Starting to Face Reality That My Own Eggs Just Aren't Going to Make the Cut

I went in for my bad-news meeting on Friday and not only did my doctor confirm the high FSH result, he also told me that my AMH is 0.16 (should be greater than 1.0) and my Inhibin B is 19 (cutoff is 44; last year it was at an amazingly high 166).  He actually told me that he was surprised at how quickly my numbers have changed, and that it doesn't make complete sense to him given my high egg quality at IVF retrieval back in May.  He asked if I had been under any particular stress and at first I said "no".  I thought about it for a second, though, and then revised my answer - I have been working 90+ hours a week, and did have a car accident last month, and have been dealing with trying the old-fashioned way with a donor who lives 375 miles away.  My RE suggested that I re-test at the start of my next cycle.  If the numbers are still crappy, he will not recommend that I proceed with my own eggs.

I did lose it a little at the doctor's office. I'm sure this happens daily in his office because he has a box of tissues very strategically placed on his desk.  We talked about egg donation.  It turns out it adds an additional $15k to the cost (so approx $30k total).  He briefly explained the process and gave me a list of agencies.  However I have decided I don't want to work with an agency, because (a) it is more expensive and (b) those donors are anonymous.  Given the amount of time and energy I took to find the perfect sperm donor, I can't imagine doing anything less to find an egg donor.  I want my child to know where he/she came from, and I want it to be as open as possible.  Whether that means maintaining a relationship with an egg donor, or just keeping lines of communication open if the child has questions, I don't want there to be secrecy and I want my child to know that this person plays an important role in his/her existence.  My RE seemed a bit shocked at how open I would want it, but in that way I already know how different I am from other SMCs. 

My doctor apologized for making me cry, which was sweet.  I held most of it in until I was in my car on my way to work, when I just absolutely lost it.  I got to the parking lot at work, put my car in park, and bawled like a baby for about 5 minutes.

I was able to pick myself up in order to walk into my office building and make it up the elevator to my office, but I have to admit I didn't get much (any) work done that day.  Instead, I spent the day crying and trolling the internet for egg donors.  Within minutes I found websites with people offering to donate eggs (for a fee of course - I mean nobody is THAT generous).  I have written to several and am corresponding with a few already. 

I wrote to my donor (I still don't have a good online identity name for him!) and told him of the situation.  He is going through his own struggles in his personal life and I keep thinking he will decide to just back out.  But, he keeps staying.  He sent me a really sweet email saying how much he admires me for my attitude, persistence and devotion to this, and my hard work, and told me that he will stick with me on this.  As I told him, I am lucky to have found him as he truly is a one-of-a-kind person. 

I do have a problem keeping my personal problems to myself (I am a gossip even about my own struggles) so I have told pretty much all my friends and family that I have been trying to conceive.  Almost everyone has been very supportive.  There are a few people who I can tell think it's weird and maybe wrong, but they haven't said anything to me out loud - I can just sort of tell from the looks on their face and their follow up questions (things like "um, how exactly will it work?").  I absolutely respect their rights to their opinions and do not judge them for this.  It is a rather unconventional way to live. 

But there's one person who has expressed extreme disapproval with what I'm doing, and unfortunately it is the one person who I have always relied on the most in my past and the person I would want on my side the most.  I told this person about my plans to TTC over a year ago, and he made it very clear to me back then that he thinks what I'm doing is selfish and cruel (bringing a child into the world with no support system of a father, no financial security, and with a mother who struggles financially and has no stable income).  Since then I have not spoken to him about it, though I know that other people in my circle have relayed to him what's going on.  Anyway, the most surprising thing about my reaction to Friday's doctor's appointment is how much I wanted to talk to him about it.  This is a person who in the past has been my confidante, and to not have him to talk this through with has been jarring and upsetting to say the least.  So, in the midst of my tears I wrote him an email just laying it all out.  I told him about my donor, my IUIs, my cyst aspiration surgery, my IVF attempt and the latest disappointment with my hormone levels.  I basically just had to get it off my chest.  It did sort of jump start a conversation although he is currently out of the country so I haven't discussed it with him in person.  I think the main thing is that he doesn't understand that I am way beyond the "thinking" stage and that one way or another, I am going to become a single mom. 

I guess my point is that even though I have been upset about this for a year, I didn't realize HOW upset I really was until Friday, when he was the only person I wanted to talk to and the only person I couldn't talk to.

The hardest part about giving up a biological connection is that I won't get to see my mom live on in another generation.  My mom died 12 years ago and I'm sure in her wildest dreams she didn't think there would be no grandchildren.  I do have a brother but he is single also and who knows what will happen in his future.  I just really wanted to pass along my parents to the next generation.  My cousin had a baby girl last year, and she looks just like my cousin's dad who passed away several years ago.  My cousin said to me "you think someone's gone, then one day you have a baby and you see them again".  That's what I wanted, so so so badly.  Losing my dad's genes is difficult as well, since he is a very special man.  However, he does have 3 young boys, and I'm sure at least one of them (if not all) will live on to pass on his name and genes.  So his side of my genes are sort of covered.  For my mom's side, though, it is the end of the line, as there are no genetic grandchildren (or even nieces or nephews) for her.  This whole thing is making me grieve my mother's loss so much more.  I often wonder what she would make of my crazy life, and if my life would even be the same if she hadn't died.  I made some radical choices in the year or so after she passed away, and I am living the result of those choices to this day.  Who knows, if she hadn't died I may not have done x which led to y which led to z which led to where I am today. 

So basically, I am grieving, living in denial and trying to move on, all at the same time.

See, doctor, no stress at all!