If I wait Could I Ever Forgive Myself?

3 of my closest friends have had their babies in the last several months. My best friend of almost 30 years had hers 4 days ago. She had a really difficult pregnancy, and she HATED being pregnant as a result, so I was so happy and relieved on Tuesday when I heard that she and the baby were healthy and happy. I've been to visit her in the hospital every day since, and I'm surprised to say that the ever present green monster only roared it's head one of the days. Most of the days I was happy to sit with my friend, her husband and their beautiful baby girl. I was happy to hold the baby, watch the baby and talk about the baby. But on the third evening my jealousies came out to get me once again and I got SOOO SAD. Sad that I may not ever experience any of this. Sad that even if I did, I would be all alone. Sad that I will not have a spouse to stay with me in the hospital or at home round the clock to help me and the baby. Sad that there won't be another person to love my child as much as I do. Sad that I won't have someone to turn to when the baby does something super cute, and just smile that knowing smile of "look what we made!"

I have not heard from R about the letter I sent. It's been less than 2 weeks so I'm not surprised, but now the nightmares are starting. Every night I dream of a different way he can tell me "no". So I just wait.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this for the right reasons, but other times I doubt myself, my motives and my logic. Sometimes I think it's jealousy of my friends and acquaintances that propels the decision. Sometimes I think I just want it because everyone else has it and I don't want to feel somehow left out. Let's face it, it's easy to feel left out when your friends all have kids. Today I was invited to a birthday party but my friend who invited me said "but you probably won't want to come; I mean, it's just gonna be a bunch of families with kids". She meant well but man that stung. Then I start to doubt everything -- I'm in no financial position to support a child, it's not fair to bring a child into the world without a father, etc., etc., etc. The doubts are endless.

But then there are times where I feel in my gut I have to do it. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. I have always loved kids and they pretty much love me, too. I am in many ways a kid myself -- I still have visceral memories of what kids like, want and need. I have a natural instinct for nurturing and teaching. I feel that it is somehow a calling of mine. And at 39, I better fucking do it now or I could regret it forever.

I heard a song this morning on NPR, and the first lines went like this:

It's not right

But it's now or never

If I wait

Could I ever forgive myself?

And the answer is No.

The Letter

Dear R,

I hope you are doing well and had a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

I wanted to write to you about something really important to me. I’m not really sure how to approach the topic, so I’ll just dive right in.

As you know, I have always wanted to have children, and I have decided that I want to pursue single motherhood. Circumstances are not ideal because I haven’t found the right guy but as you know that right guy has always eluded me for one reason or another and at age 39, I just can’t wait anymore. I know in my heart that I would be a good mother and I am willing to do whatever it takes to experience pregnancy and motherhood.

This is where my letter to you comes in. I was wondering if you would be willing to consider being a sperm donor for me. I know that this is a HUGE ENORMOUS BIGGER THAN WORDS favor to ask. The most important thing for you to know is that if you agree to be a donor, you will never have any sort of financial, social or moral obligation to me or the child. I will never ask you for child support or demand anything from you.

There are several avenues that can be followed: (a) you are a sperm donor only and the child doesn’t know who his/her biological father is; (b) you are a sperm donor and are involved tangentially as a friend/uncle to the child (with no financial obligations), and the child will know at some point that you are the biological father; (c) you can be a donor and also be an active part of the child’s life as the child’s parent and even have joint custody if it is something you would want now or at any time later on; or (d) a combination of any/all of the above. I am open to absolutely anything you would want to do. I am also open to having Scott be a part of this decision and even be a co-parent if he is interested.

I want you to know that whatever you decide, I will always love you and respect your answer. We have been friends for 20 years (!) and have been through so much in our lives, both together and apart. I am so proud of everything you’ve done with your life, both personally and professionally, and I would be absolutely honored to have you be part of this process. However, if you decide not to do it, I respect your decision and will still love you and be your friend. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and most intensely in the past 6 months (since I turned 39) and I have you in mind for a million reasons. I really don’t want to have an “anonymous” donor because I want to be able to look at my child and know where his/her genetics came from. Also, because I love and respect you and our friendship so much, you are a natural first choice for me.

I know this comes from out of the blue so I do not expect you to make the decision right away (unless it is an automatic “no”), so please take your time to consider this letter. You can call or email me anytime. I will pay for all of your expenses and can walk you through the whole process and answer any questions. If you decide to do this, there will be forms for you to fill out and a sperm sample to give, and they may also require a blood test or two. If you want, I can fly out to NY to discuss everything with you and make a plan.

I have started the process of fertility testing and they tell me that there is generally a 6-month waiting period for sperm of a known donor (to give them enough time to do proper genetic testing/washing/prepping etc.). So, if you donate the sperm, I will still wait 6 months before following through with any plans and you can change your mind at any time.

I know this is a huge thing to ask of anyone and I do not take this request lightly. I truly believe that you would make a fantastic parent or donor and I would be so honored if you would join me in this journey in whatever capacity you want.

Love to you always,
N