Note - I wrote this post back in mid-November, just before Thanksgiving, but was too scared to post it until now. After things got progressively worse over Thanksgiving, I started to come out of the fog in December and am definitely feeling more like myself. So, no need to worry about me - I will be OK. Just wanted to get this out there.
So I appear to be having some sort of mini breakdown. I think the whole of this past year is starting to become a reality and it is weighing on me very heavily. Also, today is the 12th anniversary of the day my mom passed away. So, tough times.
I love Thanksgiving and every year my family (my dad, his wife and their kids) all go up to the mountains where they have a cozy cabin. I love it up in the mountains, especially the cold, fresh air. But this year I have ben dreading the trip. I think it's because last year I had just started TTC and really thought that by this time around I would have a baby on my hip or at least in my belly. Whenever I spend time up there I feel like the spinster older sister....my brothers are in their teens and they have their friends and their own social life....and my dad and his wife's friends all have kids who go to private school and are on the ski team....so I really have nothing to say to these people. Plus, and this may seem paranoid, but I always feel like these people wonder what I am doing there - I mean, why doesn't this 41 year old woman have her own family? Or even a husband? Whether or not they think that, who knows, but I know I feel extremely self-conscious about it. I am not one of the kids but I don't fit in with the adults, and I end up feeling pretty isolated when I'm there. I just really had hoped that this year I would have my own family to bring. But alas it did not happen that way.
There are some other family strains as well (ie my relationship with my father and his reaction to my TTC efforts, plus the entire family's strong negativity towards my dog, who they do not let me bring) which have made me nervous about being trapped in a house with them for 5 days. It's a good sized house but we do all share bedrooms and there really is no privacy.
Add to this my extreme stress about money, my anxiety about not being able to get a real job, and my huge disappointment with the two failed IVFs and multiple failed IUIs this year, and let's just say I'm not in a good headspace.
But it's wierd, up until yesterday I was able to handle all this stuff. During work yesterday I felt really strange - very jittery, and on the verge of tears all day. In retrospect I was working myself up to something. Then last night I was walking the dog, when I decided to sit on the sidewalk for a moment to just breathe in the fresh night air. It was a nice moment, just me and the dog hanging out, until a guy with two yellow labs walked up to their car about 20 feet away from me. The labs were distracted by my dog and the man politely asked me to move my dog out of the way so that he could get his dogs into the car without them going crazy. He wasn't really rude about it but for some reason I just burst into tears. It's like my whole life came crashing down in that tiny moment. Suddenly I was crying for all my failures and telling myself that my whole life has just gone so wrong. I know, it is very random and I'm sure a sign of clinical depression. As the night progressed, there was more crying and I developed a headache. I even went to the store to buy some ginger ale since I was starting to feel nauseous. Then, around 11pm, I started throwing up. For years I had an unnatural phobia of throwing up, so obviously this was scary and upsetting.
I didn't sleep much last night but I did hope that I would feel better today. No such luck. I keep thinking I feel ok then I will randomly burst into tears. I told my family that I can't go up to the mountains today - the thought of being trapped as a passenger in a packed car for 6+ hours really scares me today. The thought of leaving my dog scares me. Basically I am just a mess and can't get it together today.
I am going to borrow a friend's car starting tomorrow night and drive up to the mountains then. I feel better knowing I will have my own transportation. I have been car-less since the summer and for the most part it hasn't been terrible, but it is really starting to get to me. I hate feeling so trapped and dependent on other people to go anywhere.
So I realize that what I am describing is probably clinical depression, but I also know that it is situational in nature. I am trying like crazy to change my life and "fix" my situation but I have been hitting my head against a brick wall when it comes to finances, career and bambino, so it is frustrating to say the least.
I am hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
The Interview That Wouldn't End
I had an interview this morning for a job which I am only marginally interested in. In fact, the job itself sounds pretty tedious, and it is located in Santa Monica, which would make my commute about an hour each way. The reasons I would consider it are: (a) they are very dog friendly, which means I could have my dog with me all day every day, and (b) I need a more stable job with benefits if I am serious about becoming a mama. So, I rented myself a zipcar and drove to Santa Monica for what I thought would be a simple 30-60 minute interview.
I get there and begin the interview with a young attorney. In fairness he does warn me that he has a lot of questions for me. However, I am totally baffled by the inanity of most of the questions. Here is a sampling:
1. Looking back to the time up through high school (HIGH SCHOOL!), tell me who was most influential on your life.
2. What did you like about high school?
3. What did you not like about high school?
4. What were your career ambitions when you were in high school? [SERIOUSLY, I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL 22 YEARS AGO, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING]
5. Same questions repeated for college and law school.
6. With respect to your first job out of law school, what did you like most about it?
7. What did you like least?
8. What were the strengths of your supervisors at that firm?
9. What were the weaknesses of your supervisors at that firm?
10. What were your strengths at that job?
11. What were your weaknesses at that job?
12. What was your starting salary at that job? Ending salary?
13. Repeat same questions regarding every job I've had since then.
14. What are you most interested in about our company?
And on and on and on. That conversation lasted at least 45 minutes.
Then I met with the head legal guy, who was really nice and talked to me like a normal human being, though he was relatively long winded. At this point I was getting nervous about the time because I had to return the zipcar by 11:30 and still had an hour's drive to get to the return spot.
The kicker was that at the end of that conversation, he put me in a room by myself and made me review and revise a contract for 30 minutes as a "test" of my abilities. WOW, this is one serious mother-effing interview. At this point I finally looked at the time and it was 11:23am. I realized I would be late returning the zipcar but I didn't want to whip out my phone and call them in front of everyone.
Long story short about the zipcar, I returned it an hour and a half late, and spent almost $100 (including the late fee) on it. And I didn't get to work until after 1pm.....all for a job that I really don't want but kind of need.
I don't know why, but the "test" really annoyed me. I understand why they did it, but honestly I was caught pretty off-guard about how intense this process would be - it's a first interview after all, from a job listing on career builder. When I left I was panicked about the car thing and annoyed at the length of it all and the inanity of the questions about high school. C'mon, you can tell from my resume that I'm over 40 - can't you at least try to tailor your questions to my experience since law school?
The good news is that I feel like I have done something on my list for today. I am continuing to get out into the world, meet new people and have non-ttc experiences. And that is worth something to me right now.
I get there and begin the interview with a young attorney. In fairness he does warn me that he has a lot of questions for me. However, I am totally baffled by the inanity of most of the questions. Here is a sampling:
1. Looking back to the time up through high school (HIGH SCHOOL!), tell me who was most influential on your life.
2. What did you like about high school?
3. What did you not like about high school?
4. What were your career ambitions when you were in high school? [SERIOUSLY, I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL 22 YEARS AGO, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING]
5. Same questions repeated for college and law school.
6. With respect to your first job out of law school, what did you like most about it?
7. What did you like least?
8. What were the strengths of your supervisors at that firm?
9. What were the weaknesses of your supervisors at that firm?
10. What were your strengths at that job?
11. What were your weaknesses at that job?
12. What was your starting salary at that job? Ending salary?
13. Repeat same questions regarding every job I've had since then.
14. What are you most interested in about our company?
And on and on and on. That conversation lasted at least 45 minutes.
Then I met with the head legal guy, who was really nice and talked to me like a normal human being, though he was relatively long winded. At this point I was getting nervous about the time because I had to return the zipcar by 11:30 and still had an hour's drive to get to the return spot.
The kicker was that at the end of that conversation, he put me in a room by myself and made me review and revise a contract for 30 minutes as a "test" of my abilities. WOW, this is one serious mother-effing interview. At this point I finally looked at the time and it was 11:23am. I realized I would be late returning the zipcar but I didn't want to whip out my phone and call them in front of everyone.
Long story short about the zipcar, I returned it an hour and a half late, and spent almost $100 (including the late fee) on it. And I didn't get to work until after 1pm.....all for a job that I really don't want but kind of need.
I don't know why, but the "test" really annoyed me. I understand why they did it, but honestly I was caught pretty off-guard about how intense this process would be - it's a first interview after all, from a job listing on career builder. When I left I was panicked about the car thing and annoyed at the length of it all and the inanity of the questions about high school. C'mon, you can tell from my resume that I'm over 40 - can't you at least try to tailor your questions to my experience since law school?
The good news is that I feel like I have done something on my list for today. I am continuing to get out into the world, meet new people and have non-ttc experiences. And that is worth something to me right now.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Coming Out of the Haze
So for all those who read my last blog entry, I wholeheartedly apologize. Wow, I really take first prize in the "feeling most sorry for myself" contest. But, I'm forcing myself to climb out of the hole. I have even tackled one or two things from my "improve my life" list.
I have been hiking every week, which I absolutely love. Nothing makes me calmer or more content than walking with my dog through a cool, breezy mountain under the stars with my hiking group. I have half-heartedly gotten back online, and even have a coffee date scheduled for this week. I haven't been so good about staying off the internet but hey, one day at a time. I'm still job hunting but am also grateful to even have this dead-end temp job, so I will stop complaining about that as well.
I had a pumpkin carving party at my house on the day before Halloween. It was good to be with family and friends for a few hours and not talk about myself at all. We had contest for cutest pumpkin, scariest pumpkin and most creative pumpkin. I am still working my way through all the candy and pumpkin seeds.
This weekend I went to a friend's birthday party at the horse races in Santa Anita, which was super fun. We got all dolled up and had a great time. I didn't know any of the guests beforehand but it didn't matter. We all placed our $2 bets and had a blast. We even got to meet one of the horse owners and watch a horse get saddled up for his race. Man, those jockeys are TINY! I always knew they were small but I had no idea how small you really have to be to be a jockey.
So, slowly but surely, I am making my way back into the world. Some days I do sink back into the woe-is-me moods, but I find ways to console myself, like by watching a good movie or reading a good book or walking my dog.
I still have a long way to go, and am not even sure where I am going, but I am hoping to get there eventually.
I have been hiking every week, which I absolutely love. Nothing makes me calmer or more content than walking with my dog through a cool, breezy mountain under the stars with my hiking group. I have half-heartedly gotten back online, and even have a coffee date scheduled for this week. I haven't been so good about staying off the internet but hey, one day at a time. I'm still job hunting but am also grateful to even have this dead-end temp job, so I will stop complaining about that as well.
I had a pumpkin carving party at my house on the day before Halloween. It was good to be with family and friends for a few hours and not talk about myself at all. We had contest for cutest pumpkin, scariest pumpkin and most creative pumpkin. I am still working my way through all the candy and pumpkin seeds.
 |
| OK so my guests didn't get quite as advanced as this, but we all still smiled real big! |
This weekend I went to a friend's birthday party at the horse races in Santa Anita, which was super fun. We got all dolled up and had a great time. I didn't know any of the guests beforehand but it didn't matter. We all placed our $2 bets and had a blast. We even got to meet one of the horse owners and watch a horse get saddled up for his race. Man, those jockeys are TINY! I always knew they were small but I had no idea how small you really have to be to be a jockey.
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| Bugle Serenade at the Races |
So, slowly but surely, I am making my way back into the world. Some days I do sink back into the woe-is-me moods, but I find ways to console myself, like by watching a good movie or reading a good book or walking my dog.
I still have a long way to go, and am not even sure where I am going, but I am hoping to get there eventually.
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| Super Dog on Halloween |
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Time for Change
Well, IVF#2 was a big, fat, failure.
What can I say? I have tried everything under the sun, and put my life on complete hold for two years (!) and have nothing to show for it. In fact I have LESS than I did two years ago. I have no car, and I'm stuck in a dead-end temp legal job. I haven't made a movie in a year and a half. I have no savings, not even a 401(k). I am still single and childless.
So things are pretty bleak.
I gave myself a bit of time to let it sink in, but it only made me feel worse. I haven't been talking to friends about it because when I do I realize how pathetic it all really sounds, and I don't need people feeling sorry for me or taking pity on me anymore than they already are. Plus, talking about it just makes me sadder.
So, while I will continue to do an IUI or two when I can afford it (dr. gives that a 1-2% chance of working) and may continue to try the old fashioned way, the big guns are over for now.
I am going to spend the rest of this year trying to turn the rest of my life around.
I made a list of things to do to change my life:
1. Focus on career - find an in-house legal job at a production company/studio, or find another film(s) to work on as producer/line producer. Or start my own entertainment law practice at home.
2. Spend less time on Facebook and gossip web sites.
3. Watch less tv.
4. Lose 5-8 pounds, and hike at least once per week.
5. Get finances in order - pay down credit card debt, put together a realistic budget for single life and life with baby.
6. Get a car.
7. Start dating again
8. Begin therapy when I can afford it.
9. Work on envy/jealousy issues (see therapy, above).
10. Figure out a way to have a baby.
My goal is to make sure to do at least 1-2 of these things every day, and keep track of them. For yesterday, I watched less television, and I got a potential new legal client for a small project. Unfortunately I also ate a half a can of chocolate frosting for dinner, so that wasn't so good.Baby steps. Wow, did I really just write that? It's like I'm torturing myself.
What can I say? I have tried everything under the sun, and put my life on complete hold for two years (!) and have nothing to show for it. In fact I have LESS than I did two years ago. I have no car, and I'm stuck in a dead-end temp legal job. I haven't made a movie in a year and a half. I have no savings, not even a 401(k). I am still single and childless.
So things are pretty bleak.
I gave myself a bit of time to let it sink in, but it only made me feel worse. I haven't been talking to friends about it because when I do I realize how pathetic it all really sounds, and I don't need people feeling sorry for me or taking pity on me anymore than they already are. Plus, talking about it just makes me sadder.
So, while I will continue to do an IUI or two when I can afford it (dr. gives that a 1-2% chance of working) and may continue to try the old fashioned way, the big guns are over for now.
I am going to spend the rest of this year trying to turn the rest of my life around.
I made a list of things to do to change my life:
1. Focus on career - find an in-house legal job at a production company/studio, or find another film(s) to work on as producer/line producer. Or start my own entertainment law practice at home.
2. Spend less time on Facebook and gossip web sites.
3. Watch less tv.
4. Lose 5-8 pounds, and hike at least once per week.
5. Get finances in order - pay down credit card debt, put together a realistic budget for single life and life with baby.
6. Get a car.
7. Start dating again
8. Begin therapy when I can afford it.
9. Work on envy/jealousy issues (see therapy, above).
10. Figure out a way to have a baby.
My goal is to make sure to do at least 1-2 of these things every day, and keep track of them. For yesterday, I watched less television, and I got a potential new legal client for a small project. Unfortunately I also ate a half a can of chocolate frosting for dinner, so that wasn't so good.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Fake Out or Flip Out or Nod Out? 11dp6dt
Since my last post I went through another round of IVF with my own eggs. I re-tested my hormone levels and they were much better (still not "normal" but not nearly as psychotic as before). Inhibin B was 46 (should be greater than 45), FSH was 11 (should be below 10, but this is obviously way better than 17), and my antral follicle count was 12, which is higher than it has ever been before. My doctor told me that egg donation still gives me the best chance but if I were his wife he would have her go for it based on my AFC. He called it a hunch and I started injectibles that day.
I produced 5 eggs - 1 excellent quality, 2 good quality and 2 poor. The first 3 fertilized. Egg #4 (the poor one) developed a polar body on Day 2 so we fertilized it as well, and it divided. In the end, 1 egg made it to blastocyst on Day 6 and poor old #4 made it to Day 5. The others didn't make it. We implanted #s 1 and 4 11 days ago. I go in for my beta tomorrow.
I am totally flipped out. Last Friday I started having the kind of cramping I get when my period was about to start, and I spent the night a weepy mess, thinking it was all over. Then over the weekend I started to convince myself that the continued cramping could be a positive sign, not a negative one (based on some very unscientific internet research). My boobs are also super tender but that could be a result of the progesterone and/or estrogen I'm on. Basically my "symptoms" are faking me out.
When I was in summer camp growing up, our Olympic Games always came on the 8th week of camp. We knew within a few days when it would start - but the counselors almost always staged at least one Fake Out before the real Break Out. We were all on pins and needles for days, not knowing if this would be the day it all started, or if we would just get all excited for no reason.
This sort of feels like that. Except that I couldn't play sports and wasn't competitve, so I actually preferred the Fake Outs to the Breakouts, since I preferred regular camp life to Olympic Camp Life.
Ironic, huh.
I am just so terrified of bad news tomorrow. I have let my guard down a bit and gotten my hopes up that these symptoms mean I could be pregnant. I have even started to fantasize about telling people around Christmastime. I normally don't even let myself go there. These symptoms have really messed with my head this time around.
If it's bad news I will need to seriously face the music that it is over. I don't know how I"m going to process it. I do know that I will need to get back in shape and get more serious about moving my career along. I'm going to have to make those 2 things my top priority, and put baby making on a backburner or maybe even pack it away forever. I'm so not ready to do that, but I am out of money and there really is no other way to keep trying, unless I go back to trying the old-fashioned way with Mr. D. Maybe I'll do that. My doctor tells me there's a less than 1% chance but I suppose it's better than zero percent.
I'm just really scared. I can't think straight. I had what almost amounted to an anxiety attack today at work. I can't concentrate. I just keep playing computer games to try to stay busy, since I know that productivity is gone until at least Thursday.
I'm wondering if I should take tomorrow afternoon off if I get bad news. Maybe take a drive out to the beach with my dog, or go on a long hike. But I know I won't do it. I'll probably just sit in my office and cry, feel sorry for myself and sulk.
But I write all of this and I still hope, I pray, I wish, I BEG, for the news to be positive.
I know I could have tested at home starting several days ago, but I just don't want to be the bearer of my own bad news.
I just don't know how many defeats I can face.
I produced 5 eggs - 1 excellent quality, 2 good quality and 2 poor. The first 3 fertilized. Egg #4 (the poor one) developed a polar body on Day 2 so we fertilized it as well, and it divided. In the end, 1 egg made it to blastocyst on Day 6 and poor old #4 made it to Day 5. The others didn't make it. We implanted #s 1 and 4 11 days ago. I go in for my beta tomorrow.
I am totally flipped out. Last Friday I started having the kind of cramping I get when my period was about to start, and I spent the night a weepy mess, thinking it was all over. Then over the weekend I started to convince myself that the continued cramping could be a positive sign, not a negative one (based on some very unscientific internet research). My boobs are also super tender but that could be a result of the progesterone and/or estrogen I'm on. Basically my "symptoms" are faking me out.
When I was in summer camp growing up, our Olympic Games always came on the 8th week of camp. We knew within a few days when it would start - but the counselors almost always staged at least one Fake Out before the real Break Out. We were all on pins and needles for days, not knowing if this would be the day it all started, or if we would just get all excited for no reason.
This sort of feels like that. Except that I couldn't play sports and wasn't competitve, so I actually preferred the Fake Outs to the Breakouts, since I preferred regular camp life to Olympic Camp Life.
Ironic, huh.
I am just so terrified of bad news tomorrow. I have let my guard down a bit and gotten my hopes up that these symptoms mean I could be pregnant. I have even started to fantasize about telling people around Christmastime. I normally don't even let myself go there. These symptoms have really messed with my head this time around.
If it's bad news I will need to seriously face the music that it is over. I don't know how I"m going to process it. I do know that I will need to get back in shape and get more serious about moving my career along. I'm going to have to make those 2 things my top priority, and put baby making on a backburner or maybe even pack it away forever. I'm so not ready to do that, but I am out of money and there really is no other way to keep trying, unless I go back to trying the old-fashioned way with Mr. D. Maybe I'll do that. My doctor tells me there's a less than 1% chance but I suppose it's better than zero percent.
I'm just really scared. I can't think straight. I had what almost amounted to an anxiety attack today at work. I can't concentrate. I just keep playing computer games to try to stay busy, since I know that productivity is gone until at least Thursday.
I'm wondering if I should take tomorrow afternoon off if I get bad news. Maybe take a drive out to the beach with my dog, or go on a long hike. But I know I won't do it. I'll probably just sit in my office and cry, feel sorry for myself and sulk.
But I write all of this and I still hope, I pray, I wish, I BEG, for the news to be positive.
I know I could have tested at home starting several days ago, but I just don't want to be the bearer of my own bad news.
I just don't know how many defeats I can face.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
An Unlikely Affair
It appears that I am having an affair with the father of my future child. I suppose there's not too many people out there who would call this circumstance unusual, but in my very odd and sometimes backwards life, this was not part of the plan.
For those of you who know me in person and/or think of me as an asexual being, you might want to skip this post. Also this post is really long so apologies to those with short attention spans. Finally, it'd be great if whoever reads this refrains from judging me or Mr. D. Thanks :-)
It all started back in June, after my failed IVF. My Donor (Mr. D -trying out that nickname) suggested we try things the natural way before I go and blow another $20k on more treatments. I hesitated. We've known each other for a year but had never been intimate in any way, nor did we really think of each other in those terms (at least I didn't). We had in the past tried a very awkward at-home insemination at his office using a cup and needle less syringe. When it came to June, though, he balked at doing it that way again. Sort of like a guy who complains about having to use a condom (they take away all the sensation!), he complained about having to do the deed into a cup (it's so clinical and impersonal!). After only a small amount of encouragement, I agreed to go forth and multiply the natural, old-fashioned way.
When I arrived for our first official skin to skin contact session, I was a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be?). I always thought of him as good looking and kind, but I just didn't ever allow myself to think of him in a sexual way, because we had this very businesslike contract and quite a bit at stake for the future. Add to this the fact that (a) I hadn't had sex in over two years (!), (b) he was involved with someone else (more on that in a minute), (c) everyone knows that sex complicates things, and (d) if things went bad I would lose my potential Baby Daddy, and I was understandably terrified. Although I don't drink at all, I immediately took him up on an offer for a drink, and we went to a nearby watering hole where I drank half a glass of red wine and felt flushed and relaxed within minutes. Within a half hour after that, we were back at his office where he had set up music and candles. I let him initiate because I was frankly too freaked out - I mean, were we supposed to kiss? Should there be foreplay and if so, how much? Is this something we should enjoy and make tender or is it something much more businesslike?
Luckily he took very nice care of me and made it as easy, warm and as comfortable as possible given the awkward circumstances. He started with a big bear hug which led to a kiss and so on and so on. As he wrote me later, it was a very sweet and tender moment with a good purpose.
I left that day feeling more connected to him but still in a non-romantic way. When I got my BFN from that cycle, I started thinking about trying again. On my 2nd trip up, he got us a hotel room next to the airport where we frolicked with more ease and comfort than before. However, he told me that he was having problems at home because his girlfriend suspected something was up.
This was obviously a huge issue for both of us but obviously more so for him. When he first suggested sleeping together many months back, we were both single but I declined and said it was better, safer and overall healthier if we went through doctors. But when he suggested it in June, I was at the end of my rope with all the failures of IUIs and IVFs and decided it was time to give it a go. However, by then he was seeing another woman. She knew of my existence and the IVF attempt and understandably wasn't happy about any of it. She apparently had been so upset before my IVF that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks. I know for sure that she felt threatened by me, and frankly I felt threatened by her, not because of any romantic interest in her boyfriend, but because she might convince him to back out of our arrangement.
So before we slept together, I was in a moral quandry about what to do. I admit that I was blinded by my desperation from all my BFNs and probably did not use good judgment, and I am not proud of what I did. But at the time I felt that I HAD to do it. We discussed whether he would tell her and ultimately he decided not to. He repeatedly assured me that whatever happens is his responsibility 100% and I would not be to blame. I think he knew in the back of his mind that he was not fully committed to this woman, and being with me was a way to face that for himself.
Back to that hotel room in July. He told me that she must have read his emails that morning because he sensed she knew I was coming to town. He knew there would be trouble waiting for him at home that night and was starting to take more serious stock in what was happening with their relationship. I kept my distance for a while and ultimately it appears she decided to overlook her suspicions.
At that point I would say that our physical chemistry was good and we were definitely growing closer. When I got my BFN that month, I have to admit I was actually looking forward to going up there again to see him.
It's the third time that changed things for me. This time I actually drove up north, and got to his office at around 9pm. Let me tell you, this time our chemistry was sizzling hot. There was no small talk, no awkward exchanges. We just got right to the point. When I jokingly asked him "how was your day?" as we were getting dressed, he told me that he thought the girlfriend hired a private investigator or was otherwise spying on him, because she seemed to know again that I was coming to town, even though we had only made the arrangements earlier that same day. He seemed to sense that he was in big trouble and that the end was near with her.
I stayed with a friend in the city that night, and the next day, after my morning romp with Mr. D, we went to get coffee and something inside me changed. At that moment, it occurred to me that I was starting to have actual real feelings for him. Suddenly I didn't understand why I never let myself go there mentally before. I mean, we had a million things in common, got along really well, had great chemistry, and were already trying for a bambino. It also occurred to me that for the first time, I was feeling more than just threatened by the girlfriend. I was feeling jealous of her. And I was secretly hoping she did know about us so that she would break up with him. I was also feeling like a home wrecker, which made me feel a bizarre combination of guilt, mortification and giddiness.
Luckily these feelings began to fade within a few days, and I decided that I must have just been caught up in the moment of the sex, the secrecy and the uniqueness of our situation.
About two weeks later I found out that he and the girlfriend did in fact break up. He reassured me that I was not to blame, that it was 100% his fault, and that he has learned a lot about himself and what he wants from this experience. I was relieved, not just that they broke up but that I was absolved from blame. Mostly, though, I was relieved that I would not be competing for his sperm anymore, in the sense that I want to be the only Baby Mama out there until my bambino comes along.
The most devastating day for me in this whole TTC process came less than 2 weeks ago, when my RE told me about my very bad hormone levels, and suggested that I look into donor eggs. As I've written in prior blog posts, this news hit me so incredibly hard and touched on all sorts of issues relating to my parents and my life. When I reached out to Mr. D, he couldn't have been sweeter. This prompted some emails and phone calls where we decided to go on a little getaway together. Even though my RE told me that I would have less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, we decided to pretend otherwise and just get away together. He was going to fly his plane down the coast and I was going to drive up, and we would meet in the middle.
I was really looking forward to the getaway. My friends all noted that this story is turning into a romantic comedy of epic proportions, and I started to let myself get excited of the possibility of a real romantic connection between me and my newly single sperm donor.
We did in fact meet up this past weekend, and though it was lovely in some ways, I realize that trying to turn us into a couple is like putting a square peg into a round hole - it just doesn't fit. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but we just don't have a romantic connection in that way. Maybe the expectations were too high, or the girlfriend breakup is too fresh, or more likely, it just isn't meant to be. That's not to say that things are ending (whatever "things" are), but ultimately I know in my heart that this is not going to be some fairy tale ending of us living happily ever in a big house with a bambino and a great love.
In fact I admit that I came back from the trip a little bit depressed. It's that old saying "a taste of honey's worse than none at all." All this time I've been single and absolutely fine with that. But now I've gotten a little tiny taste of intimacy, and realize how much I am missing it in my life and how much I want to find it with someone I truly connect with. I know it will ultimately be up to me to try to find that in my life, and although now is definitely not the time for me, I hope that the future will allow me a bigger taste of romantic love that even finds its way to a fairytale happy ending.
And that's where things stand in my convoluted world of romance and bambino making. Stay tuned for the next chapter.
For those of you who know me in person and/or think of me as an asexual being, you might want to skip this post. Also this post is really long so apologies to those with short attention spans. Finally, it'd be great if whoever reads this refrains from judging me or Mr. D. Thanks :-)
It all started back in June, after my failed IVF. My Donor (Mr. D -trying out that nickname) suggested we try things the natural way before I go and blow another $20k on more treatments. I hesitated. We've known each other for a year but had never been intimate in any way, nor did we really think of each other in those terms (at least I didn't). We had in the past tried a very awkward at-home insemination at his office using a cup and needle less syringe. When it came to June, though, he balked at doing it that way again. Sort of like a guy who complains about having to use a condom (they take away all the sensation!), he complained about having to do the deed into a cup (it's so clinical and impersonal!). After only a small amount of encouragement, I agreed to go forth and multiply the natural, old-fashioned way.
When I arrived for our first official skin to skin contact session, I was a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be?). I always thought of him as good looking and kind, but I just didn't ever allow myself to think of him in a sexual way, because we had this very businesslike contract and quite a bit at stake for the future. Add to this the fact that (a) I hadn't had sex in over two years (!), (b) he was involved with someone else (more on that in a minute), (c) everyone knows that sex complicates things, and (d) if things went bad I would lose my potential Baby Daddy, and I was understandably terrified. Although I don't drink at all, I immediately took him up on an offer for a drink, and we went to a nearby watering hole where I drank half a glass of red wine and felt flushed and relaxed within minutes. Within a half hour after that, we were back at his office where he had set up music and candles. I let him initiate because I was frankly too freaked out - I mean, were we supposed to kiss? Should there be foreplay and if so, how much? Is this something we should enjoy and make tender or is it something much more businesslike?
Luckily he took very nice care of me and made it as easy, warm and as comfortable as possible given the awkward circumstances. He started with a big bear hug which led to a kiss and so on and so on. As he wrote me later, it was a very sweet and tender moment with a good purpose.
I left that day feeling more connected to him but still in a non-romantic way. When I got my BFN from that cycle, I started thinking about trying again. On my 2nd trip up, he got us a hotel room next to the airport where we frolicked with more ease and comfort than before. However, he told me that he was having problems at home because his girlfriend suspected something was up.
This was obviously a huge issue for both of us but obviously more so for him. When he first suggested sleeping together many months back, we were both single but I declined and said it was better, safer and overall healthier if we went through doctors. But when he suggested it in June, I was at the end of my rope with all the failures of IUIs and IVFs and decided it was time to give it a go. However, by then he was seeing another woman. She knew of my existence and the IVF attempt and understandably wasn't happy about any of it. She apparently had been so upset before my IVF that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks. I know for sure that she felt threatened by me, and frankly I felt threatened by her, not because of any romantic interest in her boyfriend, but because she might convince him to back out of our arrangement.
So before we slept together, I was in a moral quandry about what to do. I admit that I was blinded by my desperation from all my BFNs and probably did not use good judgment, and I am not proud of what I did. But at the time I felt that I HAD to do it. We discussed whether he would tell her and ultimately he decided not to. He repeatedly assured me that whatever happens is his responsibility 100% and I would not be to blame. I think he knew in the back of his mind that he was not fully committed to this woman, and being with me was a way to face that for himself.
Back to that hotel room in July. He told me that she must have read his emails that morning because he sensed she knew I was coming to town. He knew there would be trouble waiting for him at home that night and was starting to take more serious stock in what was happening with their relationship. I kept my distance for a while and ultimately it appears she decided to overlook her suspicions.
At that point I would say that our physical chemistry was good and we were definitely growing closer. When I got my BFN that month, I have to admit I was actually looking forward to going up there again to see him.
It's the third time that changed things for me. This time I actually drove up north, and got to his office at around 9pm. Let me tell you, this time our chemistry was sizzling hot. There was no small talk, no awkward exchanges. We just got right to the point. When I jokingly asked him "how was your day?" as we were getting dressed, he told me that he thought the girlfriend hired a private investigator or was otherwise spying on him, because she seemed to know again that I was coming to town, even though we had only made the arrangements earlier that same day. He seemed to sense that he was in big trouble and that the end was near with her.
I stayed with a friend in the city that night, and the next day, after my morning romp with Mr. D, we went to get coffee and something inside me changed. At that moment, it occurred to me that I was starting to have actual real feelings for him. Suddenly I didn't understand why I never let myself go there mentally before. I mean, we had a million things in common, got along really well, had great chemistry, and were already trying for a bambino. It also occurred to me that for the first time, I was feeling more than just threatened by the girlfriend. I was feeling jealous of her. And I was secretly hoping she did know about us so that she would break up with him. I was also feeling like a home wrecker, which made me feel a bizarre combination of guilt, mortification and giddiness.
Luckily these feelings began to fade within a few days, and I decided that I must have just been caught up in the moment of the sex, the secrecy and the uniqueness of our situation.
About two weeks later I found out that he and the girlfriend did in fact break up. He reassured me that I was not to blame, that it was 100% his fault, and that he has learned a lot about himself and what he wants from this experience. I was relieved, not just that they broke up but that I was absolved from blame. Mostly, though, I was relieved that I would not be competing for his sperm anymore, in the sense that I want to be the only Baby Mama out there until my bambino comes along.
The most devastating day for me in this whole TTC process came less than 2 weeks ago, when my RE told me about my very bad hormone levels, and suggested that I look into donor eggs. As I've written in prior blog posts, this news hit me so incredibly hard and touched on all sorts of issues relating to my parents and my life. When I reached out to Mr. D, he couldn't have been sweeter. This prompted some emails and phone calls where we decided to go on a little getaway together. Even though my RE told me that I would have less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, we decided to pretend otherwise and just get away together. He was going to fly his plane down the coast and I was going to drive up, and we would meet in the middle.
I was really looking forward to the getaway. My friends all noted that this story is turning into a romantic comedy of epic proportions, and I started to let myself get excited of the possibility of a real romantic connection between me and my newly single sperm donor.
We did in fact meet up this past weekend, and though it was lovely in some ways, I realize that trying to turn us into a couple is like putting a square peg into a round hole - it just doesn't fit. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but we just don't have a romantic connection in that way. Maybe the expectations were too high, or the girlfriend breakup is too fresh, or more likely, it just isn't meant to be. That's not to say that things are ending (whatever "things" are), but ultimately I know in my heart that this is not going to be some fairy tale ending of us living happily ever in a big house with a bambino and a great love.
In fact I admit that I came back from the trip a little bit depressed. It's that old saying "a taste of honey's worse than none at all." All this time I've been single and absolutely fine with that. But now I've gotten a little tiny taste of intimacy, and realize how much I am missing it in my life and how much I want to find it with someone I truly connect with. I know it will ultimately be up to me to try to find that in my life, and although now is definitely not the time for me, I hope that the future will allow me a bigger taste of romantic love that even finds its way to a fairytale happy ending.
And that's where things stand in my convoluted world of romance and bambino making. Stay tuned for the next chapter.
 |
| Pismo Beach. |
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Starting to Face Reality That My Own Eggs Just Aren't Going to Make the Cut
I went in for my bad-news meeting on Friday and not only did my doctor confirm the high FSH result, he also told me that my AMH is 0.16 (should be greater than 1.0) and my Inhibin B is 19 (cutoff is 44; last year it was at an amazingly high 166). He actually told me that he was surprised at how quickly my numbers have changed, and that it doesn't make complete sense to him given my high egg quality at IVF retrieval back in May. He asked if I had been under any particular stress and at first I said "no". I thought about it for a second, though, and then revised my answer - I have been working 90+ hours a week, and did have a car accident last month, and have been dealing with trying the old-fashioned way with a donor who lives 375 miles away. My RE suggested that I re-test at the start of my next cycle. If the numbers are still crappy, he will not recommend that I proceed with my own eggs.
I did lose it a little at the doctor's office. I'm sure this happens daily in his office because he has a box of tissues very strategically placed on his desk. We talked about egg donation. It turns out it adds an additional $15k to the cost (so approx $30k total). He briefly explained the process and gave me a list of agencies. However I have decided I don't want to work with an agency, because (a) it is more expensive and (b) those donors are anonymous. Given the amount of time and energy I took to find the perfect sperm donor, I can't imagine doing anything less to find an egg donor. I want my child to know where he/she came from, and I want it to be as open as possible. Whether that means maintaining a relationship with an egg donor, or just keeping lines of communication open if the child has questions, I don't want there to be secrecy and I want my child to know that this person plays an important role in his/her existence. My RE seemed a bit shocked at how open I would want it, but in that way I already know how different I am from other SMCs.
My doctor apologized for making me cry, which was sweet. I held most of it in until I was in my car on my way to work, when I just absolutely lost it. I got to the parking lot at work, put my car in park, and bawled like a baby for about 5 minutes.
I was able to pick myself up in order to walk into my office building and make it up the elevator to my office, but I have to admit I didn't get much (any) work done that day. Instead, I spent the day crying and trolling the internet for egg donors. Within minutes I found websites with people offering to donate eggs (for a fee of course - I mean nobody is THAT generous). I have written to several and am corresponding with a few already.
I wrote to my donor (I still don't have a good online identity name for him!) and told him of the situation. He is going through his own struggles in his personal life and I keep thinking he will decide to just back out. But, he keeps staying. He sent me a really sweet email saying how much he admires me for my attitude, persistence and devotion to this, and my hard work, and told me that he will stick with me on this. As I told him, I am lucky to have found him as he truly is a one-of-a-kind person.
I do have a problem keeping my personal problems to myself (I am a gossip even about my own struggles) so I have told pretty much all my friends and family that I have been trying to conceive. Almost everyone has been very supportive. There are a few people who I can tell think it's weird and maybe wrong, but they haven't said anything to me out loud - I can just sort of tell from the looks on their face and their follow up questions (things like "um, how exactly will it work?"). I absolutely respect their rights to their opinions and do not judge them for this. It is a rather unconventional way to live.
But there's one person who has expressed extreme disapproval with what I'm doing, and unfortunately it is the one person who I have always relied on the most in my past and the person I would want on my side the most. I told this person about my plans to TTC over a year ago, and he made it very clear to me back then that he thinks what I'm doing is selfish and cruel (bringing a child into the world with no support system of a father, no financial security, and with a mother who struggles financially and has no stable income). Since then I have not spoken to him about it, though I know that other people in my circle have relayed to him what's going on. Anyway, the most surprising thing about my reaction to Friday's doctor's appointment is how much I wanted to talk to him about it. This is a person who in the past has been my confidante, and to not have him to talk this through with has been jarring and upsetting to say the least. So, in the midst of my tears I wrote him an email just laying it all out. I told him about my donor, my IUIs, my cyst aspiration surgery, my IVF attempt and the latest disappointment with my hormone levels. I basically just had to get it off my chest. It did sort of jump start a conversation although he is currently out of the country so I haven't discussed it with him in person. I think the main thing is that he doesn't understand that I am way beyond the "thinking" stage and that one way or another, I am going to become a single mom.
I guess my point is that even though I have been upset about this for a year, I didn't realize HOW upset I really was until Friday, when he was the only person I wanted to talk to and the only person I couldn't talk to.
The hardest part about giving up a biological connection is that I won't get to see my mom live on in another generation. My mom died 12 years ago and I'm sure in her wildest dreams she didn't think there would be no grandchildren. I do have a brother but he is single also and who knows what will happen in his future. I just really wanted to pass along my parents to the next generation. My cousin had a baby girl last year, and she looks just like my cousin's dad who passed away several years ago. My cousin said to me "you think someone's gone, then one day you have a baby and you see them again". That's what I wanted, so so so badly. Losing my dad's genes is difficult as well, since he is a very special man. However, he does have 3 young boys, and I'm sure at least one of them (if not all) will live on to pass on his name and genes. So his side of my genes are sort of covered. For my mom's side, though, it is the end of the line, as there are no genetic grandchildren (or even nieces or nephews) for her. This whole thing is making me grieve my mother's loss so much more. I often wonder what she would make of my crazy life, and if my life would even be the same if she hadn't died. I made some radical choices in the year or so after she passed away, and I am living the result of those choices to this day. Who knows, if she hadn't died I may not have done x which led to y which led to z which led to where I am today.
So basically, I am grieving, living in denial and trying to move on, all at the same time.
See, doctor, no stress at all!
I did lose it a little at the doctor's office. I'm sure this happens daily in his office because he has a box of tissues very strategically placed on his desk. We talked about egg donation. It turns out it adds an additional $15k to the cost (so approx $30k total). He briefly explained the process and gave me a list of agencies. However I have decided I don't want to work with an agency, because (a) it is more expensive and (b) those donors are anonymous. Given the amount of time and energy I took to find the perfect sperm donor, I can't imagine doing anything less to find an egg donor. I want my child to know where he/she came from, and I want it to be as open as possible. Whether that means maintaining a relationship with an egg donor, or just keeping lines of communication open if the child has questions, I don't want there to be secrecy and I want my child to know that this person plays an important role in his/her existence. My RE seemed a bit shocked at how open I would want it, but in that way I already know how different I am from other SMCs.
My doctor apologized for making me cry, which was sweet. I held most of it in until I was in my car on my way to work, when I just absolutely lost it. I got to the parking lot at work, put my car in park, and bawled like a baby for about 5 minutes.
I was able to pick myself up in order to walk into my office building and make it up the elevator to my office, but I have to admit I didn't get much (any) work done that day. Instead, I spent the day crying and trolling the internet for egg donors. Within minutes I found websites with people offering to donate eggs (for a fee of course - I mean nobody is THAT generous). I have written to several and am corresponding with a few already.
I wrote to my donor (I still don't have a good online identity name for him!) and told him of the situation. He is going through his own struggles in his personal life and I keep thinking he will decide to just back out. But, he keeps staying. He sent me a really sweet email saying how much he admires me for my attitude, persistence and devotion to this, and my hard work, and told me that he will stick with me on this. As I told him, I am lucky to have found him as he truly is a one-of-a-kind person.
I do have a problem keeping my personal problems to myself (I am a gossip even about my own struggles) so I have told pretty much all my friends and family that I have been trying to conceive. Almost everyone has been very supportive. There are a few people who I can tell think it's weird and maybe wrong, but they haven't said anything to me out loud - I can just sort of tell from the looks on their face and their follow up questions (things like "um, how exactly will it work?"). I absolutely respect their rights to their opinions and do not judge them for this. It is a rather unconventional way to live.
But there's one person who has expressed extreme disapproval with what I'm doing, and unfortunately it is the one person who I have always relied on the most in my past and the person I would want on my side the most. I told this person about my plans to TTC over a year ago, and he made it very clear to me back then that he thinks what I'm doing is selfish and cruel (bringing a child into the world with no support system of a father, no financial security, and with a mother who struggles financially and has no stable income). Since then I have not spoken to him about it, though I know that other people in my circle have relayed to him what's going on. Anyway, the most surprising thing about my reaction to Friday's doctor's appointment is how much I wanted to talk to him about it. This is a person who in the past has been my confidante, and to not have him to talk this through with has been jarring and upsetting to say the least. So, in the midst of my tears I wrote him an email just laying it all out. I told him about my donor, my IUIs, my cyst aspiration surgery, my IVF attempt and the latest disappointment with my hormone levels. I basically just had to get it off my chest. It did sort of jump start a conversation although he is currently out of the country so I haven't discussed it with him in person. I think the main thing is that he doesn't understand that I am way beyond the "thinking" stage and that one way or another, I am going to become a single mom.
I guess my point is that even though I have been upset about this for a year, I didn't realize HOW upset I really was until Friday, when he was the only person I wanted to talk to and the only person I couldn't talk to.
The hardest part about giving up a biological connection is that I won't get to see my mom live on in another generation. My mom died 12 years ago and I'm sure in her wildest dreams she didn't think there would be no grandchildren. I do have a brother but he is single also and who knows what will happen in his future. I just really wanted to pass along my parents to the next generation. My cousin had a baby girl last year, and she looks just like my cousin's dad who passed away several years ago. My cousin said to me "you think someone's gone, then one day you have a baby and you see them again". That's what I wanted, so so so badly. Losing my dad's genes is difficult as well, since he is a very special man. However, he does have 3 young boys, and I'm sure at least one of them (if not all) will live on to pass on his name and genes. So his side of my genes are sort of covered. For my mom's side, though, it is the end of the line, as there are no genetic grandchildren (or even nieces or nephews) for her. This whole thing is making me grieve my mother's loss so much more. I often wonder what she would make of my crazy life, and if my life would even be the same if she hadn't died. I made some radical choices in the year or so after she passed away, and I am living the result of those choices to this day. Who knows, if she hadn't died I may not have done x which led to y which led to z which led to where I am today.
So basically, I am grieving, living in denial and trying to move on, all at the same time.
See, doctor, no stress at all!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
It's Always Something
So even after 4 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 ICI, 3 old-fashioned tries, and a 40th & 41st birthday behind me, I still want to push forward with another IVF. I cashed out that final 401(k) from my old lawyering days and was ready to write the check and go.
But.
I mentioned to my RE that my cycle has shortened to 21 days for the past few cycles. He immediately stopped the process and said something to the effect of "let's re-test your hormone levels, since money doesn't grow on trees and we don't want to waste it". He put me on birth control pills to delay the cycle while we wait for the test results. I have an appointment with him this Friday to go over the results. However, by yesterday I couldn't wait any longer and I called the office to see if any of the results had come in. A few of the tests had come back and they are not good.
My fsh, which is supposed to be below 10 (and always had been under 10 in the past) has spiked to 17! This is very very bad. Though I haven't spoken to the doctor yet, I do know that many clinics will not even consider me a candidate for IVF with an fsh this high.
This is devastating news.
I'm really really really depressed about it. Everywhere I look it's babies! and husbands! and weddings! and home-buying! and careers! and families! Most people get to have some or all of these things. I always knew deep down that I wouldn't have it all, but I wanted my little piece. If I can't get the spouse, or the house, or the career, then at least I could make my own little family. And if I had to use a donor for sperm, at least I would use a known donor so that my child could look in the mirror and know where he or she came from. It never really occurred to me that my child would get to see the face of his biological sperm donor but would not get to see my own genes in that mirror.
I know that I can still use an egg donor or adopt. Yes, I know it.
I just feel so cheated. Everyone else gets to have all these things, and I have accepted the fact that I won't have many of those things. I have accepted that I'm not going to have a traditional nuclear family. I have accepted that money is going to be tight. I have accepted that I am single (and am really ok with it!). But I have not accepted that I cannot pass along my own mom and dad to another generation. Is this selfish and egotistical? Yes....but that's how I feel.
I have made a lot of choices in my life which have led me to where I am today. Some choices have been strong, and some very weak. Over the past year and a half I have chosen to make my own family on my own terms. Finding a donor was a huge and life altering process, but I did it. I've catalogued on this blog the process of finding a donor, going through all the tests and procedures, and trying traditional chinese medicine, all with money that I don't have to spare. It was my choice and though I bitched about it, I continued to try because I thought deep down that the end result would be my own little baby with my own squinty eyes and maybe the personality and expression of my mom, dad and brothers.
Ultimately, though, it seems I simply waited too long to start the process. And honestly, it just sucks.
I think one of the worst parts is the jealousy that stings in the pit of my stomach every day - I am jealous of every pregnant stranger on the street. I am jealous of my friends and family that found love, marriage, houses, careers and/or babies. I am jealous of celebrities that I read about having babies. It seems that I am jealous of every living human being on the planet these days. I am aware that the jealousy thing is my achilles heel and something I need to work on. But it is hard, because everywhere I look I am bombarded with all the things I want and can't have.
So I wait until Friday to hear the official bad news. And I will have to find a way to move on.
But.
I mentioned to my RE that my cycle has shortened to 21 days for the past few cycles. He immediately stopped the process and said something to the effect of "let's re-test your hormone levels, since money doesn't grow on trees and we don't want to waste it". He put me on birth control pills to delay the cycle while we wait for the test results. I have an appointment with him this Friday to go over the results. However, by yesterday I couldn't wait any longer and I called the office to see if any of the results had come in. A few of the tests had come back and they are not good.
My fsh, which is supposed to be below 10 (and always had been under 10 in the past) has spiked to 17! This is very very bad. Though I haven't spoken to the doctor yet, I do know that many clinics will not even consider me a candidate for IVF with an fsh this high.
This is devastating news.
I'm really really really depressed about it. Everywhere I look it's babies! and husbands! and weddings! and home-buying! and careers! and families! Most people get to have some or all of these things. I always knew deep down that I wouldn't have it all, but I wanted my little piece. If I can't get the spouse, or the house, or the career, then at least I could make my own little family. And if I had to use a donor for sperm, at least I would use a known donor so that my child could look in the mirror and know where he or she came from. It never really occurred to me that my child would get to see the face of his biological sperm donor but would not get to see my own genes in that mirror.
I know that I can still use an egg donor or adopt. Yes, I know it.
I just feel so cheated. Everyone else gets to have all these things, and I have accepted the fact that I won't have many of those things. I have accepted that I'm not going to have a traditional nuclear family. I have accepted that money is going to be tight. I have accepted that I am single (and am really ok with it!). But I have not accepted that I cannot pass along my own mom and dad to another generation. Is this selfish and egotistical? Yes....but that's how I feel.
I have made a lot of choices in my life which have led me to where I am today. Some choices have been strong, and some very weak. Over the past year and a half I have chosen to make my own family on my own terms. Finding a donor was a huge and life altering process, but I did it. I've catalogued on this blog the process of finding a donor, going through all the tests and procedures, and trying traditional chinese medicine, all with money that I don't have to spare. It was my choice and though I bitched about it, I continued to try because I thought deep down that the end result would be my own little baby with my own squinty eyes and maybe the personality and expression of my mom, dad and brothers.
Ultimately, though, it seems I simply waited too long to start the process. And honestly, it just sucks.
I think one of the worst parts is the jealousy that stings in the pit of my stomach every day - I am jealous of every pregnant stranger on the street. I am jealous of my friends and family that found love, marriage, houses, careers and/or babies. I am jealous of celebrities that I read about having babies. It seems that I am jealous of every living human being on the planet these days. I am aware that the jealousy thing is my achilles heel and something I need to work on. But it is hard, because everywhere I look I am bombarded with all the things I want and can't have.
So I wait until Friday to hear the official bad news. And I will have to find a way to move on.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Even Life Inbetween IVFs Isn't So Easy. But It's Still Better Than Stabbing Myself With Hormone Injections Daily.
It's been a nutty month or so. In a quick nutshell - my car finally died (may she rest in peace, sweet '94 MBZ with awesome automated seatbelts affectionately named Vern and George); I took over use of a family member's car; and said "new" car became the sandwich meat inside a 3-car pileup (with me and my dog inside). The dog and I are OK but the car has seen better days. Said new car is now in the shop for what feels like an eternity.
In other news, I am now working 2 temp jobs - last week was a 90+ hour week. The 2nd temp job is temporary (really) so I should only have to keep up the schedule for at most another week. I am officially leading a double life - call me Donna Draper or Clarkina Kent. Well, except I'm not saving the world - just working on saving myself right now!
In bambino news, I am still not pregnant after a THIRD trip to San Francisco 2 weeks ago for some implantation a naturale (s-e-x). The s-e-x is complicating things for sure but now that I have a bit of distance I am putting that all aside for now because I'm honestly just too busy and tired to think about it. More on that later for sure.
But, I think it is finally hitting me that I just may be infertile. It's only taken a YEAR of nonstop BFNs and 2 birthdays involving the number 4 for me to figure this out. I guess when you really want something you don't let reality get in the way. Or something. I don't know how I will cope if I can't have a baby of my own. I just don't know.
So tomorrow I go back to my RE to begin the showdown for IVF #2. The final frontier.
In other news, I am now working 2 temp jobs - last week was a 90+ hour week. The 2nd temp job is temporary (really) so I should only have to keep up the schedule for at most another week. I am officially leading a double life - call me Donna Draper or Clarkina Kent. Well, except I'm not saving the world - just working on saving myself right now!
In bambino news, I am still not pregnant after a THIRD trip to San Francisco 2 weeks ago for some implantation a naturale (s-e-x). The s-e-x is complicating things for sure but now that I have a bit of distance I am putting that all aside for now because I'm honestly just too busy and tired to think about it. More on that later for sure.
But, I think it is finally hitting me that I just may be infertile. It's only taken a YEAR of nonstop BFNs and 2 birthdays involving the number 4 for me to figure this out. I guess when you really want something you don't let reality get in the way. Or something. I don't know how I will cope if I can't have a baby of my own. I just don't know.
So tomorrow I go back to my RE to begin the showdown for IVF #2. The final frontier.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Oh How I Wanted to Love You, Chinese Herbs
I've been seeing this new acupuncturist that specializes in fertility, and like the acupuncturist before him, he prescribed me chinese herbs. This time, however, he seemed to have a specific blend of herbs in mind for me and his office filled my "prescription" cocktail especially for me. I've been avoiding making the herbs for over a week and last night finally bit the bullet.
Man, those herbs are GROSS. First of all, they take over an hour to prepare. You are not supposed to use a metallic pot to cook them, so I used a glass double boiler with no lid. You have to boil the herbs for 30 minutes, then strain the resulting tea into a glass container, then repeat the process. This creates 2 days worth of tea, of which you are supposed to drink 1 cup 3 times per day. I had some trouble straining the tea into my glass container so I ended up losing a bunch of the liquid. Ultimately I decided that it's OK, though, because there is no way in hell I can drink the stuff. I tried, I really did. You know when you walk into a low rent chinese restaurant and the place smells, well, stinky? That's what my house smelled like last night, and it's what the tea tasted like. I just couldn't do it.
I have been able to inflict all sorts of things on myself - the hormone injections, the hundreds of doctors and acupuncture appointments all before my workday begins, the swallowing of those giant prenatal vitamins, just to name a few of the unpleasantries. But drinking those chinese herbs - no can do. I guess my body and mind just draw the line somewhere, and this is where.
I really wanted to be one of those people who can turn to alternative therapies and find solace and maybe redemption. I wanted to love acupuncture, meditation and holistic herbal therapies. But, I am too firm a believer in science and truly believe that one cannot reverse time. My eggs are 41 years old and no amount of meditation, needles or disgusting chinese herbs are going to make them younger. The acupuncture is unpleasant but I can deal with it. Meditation certainly can't hurt (though I don't really have the patience for it). Chinese herbs, though - well, I can say that I tried.
Man, those herbs are GROSS. First of all, they take over an hour to prepare. You are not supposed to use a metallic pot to cook them, so I used a glass double boiler with no lid. You have to boil the herbs for 30 minutes, then strain the resulting tea into a glass container, then repeat the process. This creates 2 days worth of tea, of which you are supposed to drink 1 cup 3 times per day. I had some trouble straining the tea into my glass container so I ended up losing a bunch of the liquid. Ultimately I decided that it's OK, though, because there is no way in hell I can drink the stuff. I tried, I really did. You know when you walk into a low rent chinese restaurant and the place smells, well, stinky? That's what my house smelled like last night, and it's what the tea tasted like. I just couldn't do it.
I have been able to inflict all sorts of things on myself - the hormone injections, the hundreds of doctors and acupuncture appointments all before my workday begins, the swallowing of those giant prenatal vitamins, just to name a few of the unpleasantries. But drinking those chinese herbs - no can do. I guess my body and mind just draw the line somewhere, and this is where.
I really wanted to be one of those people who can turn to alternative therapies and find solace and maybe redemption. I wanted to love acupuncture, meditation and holistic herbal therapies. But, I am too firm a believer in science and truly believe that one cannot reverse time. My eggs are 41 years old and no amount of meditation, needles or disgusting chinese herbs are going to make them younger. The acupuncture is unpleasant but I can deal with it. Meditation certainly can't hurt (though I don't really have the patience for it). Chinese herbs, though - well, I can say that I tried.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I Don't Want A Soap Opera, I Just Want a Bambino
My trip to SF resulted in a BFN (Big Fat Negative for you newbies). I decided to do a second "natural" try (ie Booty Call Revisited), and am in my 2 week wait for the results of that one. The last BFN barely bothered me at all, I am just so freaking used to it now.
Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby. The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun. It's the aftermath that's murky. Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious. We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to. I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook. That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still. Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch. But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.
I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.
On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn. But now I am starting to re-think the plan. I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds. However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada. Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger. If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all. I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it.
I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work. I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money. If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll. But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.
Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby. The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun. It's the aftermath that's murky. Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious. We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to. I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook. That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still. Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch. But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.
I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.
On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn. But now I am starting to re-think the plan. I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds. However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada. Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger. If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all. I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it.
I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work. I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money. If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll. But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Booty Call
Another last minute crazy trip to SF.
I had planned to take off a month then go back for another round of IVF. I even met with my doctor last week and he confirmed that was a good plan. He told me that although my reserve is low, my egg qulity is excellent, so if I have the money IVF would be a good next step (though still only a 16% chance of success).
Of course, I hadn’t talked to Baby Daddy about any of this, so I wrote to him to ask him if he was willing to freeze a sample for me for one more IVF. He suggested we try it “the natural way” for a month or two before I drop another $ 20k. Makes sense (though I don’t want to wait too long, as that clock is ticking like crazy). So I started to do the math and realized that I actually should be ovulating right about then. Took a test that night and low and behold it was positive, which meant ovulation within 24-36 hours. After a series of pee-stick mishaps the next morning, I tested again (still positive) and hopped on the next flight to SF.
Baby Daddy did say that he wanted to try it the “old-fashioned” natural way, meaning you-know-what. Hmmm. I have to admit I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it does make things simpler, less “medical” and more, well, natural. On the other hand, sex just always complicates things and I don’t want this to be more complicated than it already is. Plus, there is a whole other can of worms relating to his personal life which, to protect his privacy, I won’t go into here. I will say that it was not a simple decision but ultimately I decided to go for it.
I wrote a whole paragraph on the details, but on second thought I am removing them. Needless to say, the deed is done and now I just have to wait and see if little Grumpy does his job and turns into a baby.
I had planned to take off a month then go back for another round of IVF. I even met with my doctor last week and he confirmed that was a good plan. He told me that although my reserve is low, my egg qulity is excellent, so if I have the money IVF would be a good next step (though still only a 16% chance of success).
Of course, I hadn’t talked to Baby Daddy about any of this, so I wrote to him to ask him if he was willing to freeze a sample for me for one more IVF. He suggested we try it “the natural way” for a month or two before I drop another $ 20k. Makes sense (though I don’t want to wait too long, as that clock is ticking like crazy). So I started to do the math and realized that I actually should be ovulating right about then. Took a test that night and low and behold it was positive, which meant ovulation within 24-36 hours. After a series of pee-stick mishaps the next morning, I tested again (still positive) and hopped on the next flight to SF.
Baby Daddy did say that he wanted to try it the “old-fashioned” natural way, meaning you-know-what. Hmmm. I have to admit I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it does make things simpler, less “medical” and more, well, natural. On the other hand, sex just always complicates things and I don’t want this to be more complicated than it already is. Plus, there is a whole other can of worms relating to his personal life which, to protect his privacy, I won’t go into here. I will say that it was not a simple decision but ultimately I decided to go for it.
I wrote a whole paragraph on the details, but on second thought I am removing them. Needless to say, the deed is done and now I just have to wait and see if little Grumpy does his job and turns into a baby.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Posting Things That Make Me Happy, to Help Ease the Pain of the Sadness
It's been a really tough week, so I thought I would take this opportunity to change things up a bit. Instead of the usual frustration/sadness/life's-not-fair bit,which I am apparently getting way too good at, I'm going to post some things that make me feel happy.
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| My sweet dog |
My little dog makes me smile every day. He is the first thing I see when I wake up (usually because he is literally waking me up) and the last thing I see when I go to bed at night. He brings me comfort and joy every day and I am lucky to have him.
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| The Golden Gate Bridge |
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| Mom's Chocolate Cake |
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| Dim Sum |
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| Rick Springfield |
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| Runyon Canyon |
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| The Mountains |
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| Camp Towanda |
My favorite movie of all time. The movie that made me love movies.
And that's about all the happiness I can take right now.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Preparing Myself
I'm going in tomorrow for my beta test. It will be 11 days past embryo transfer and 14 days past egg retrieval.
I'm really scared.
I have been trying to think of how to prepare for possible bad news. Thankfully it will be Friday so if I have to I can hide out over the weekend. I do have plans both days (mostly birthday celebrations, since my birthday was yesterday) - dim sum with a friend, mani/pedi with another friend, hanging out with a group of other friends, volunteering at a dog adoption fair, and a concert at Disney Hall with yet another friend. I'll have to figure out if I want to cancel my plans and hide, or continue on to keep myself distracted.
Either way I do have to face up to the financial realities. I have purposely ignored this stuff for the past couple of weeks for fear of stressing myself out too badly. But if I get a BFN, I will still have to take a good hard look at my financial situation to figure out how to pay off all the new credit card debt (plus the old debt) and how to possibly ever afford another try.
Obviously I will take at least a month off from TTC, probably longer due to finances. I will certainly need to try to get back in shape - I've gained 5-10 pounds in the past month and I feel really icky. I've been avoiding any strenuous exercise so I will have to start up with hiking again (good thing it's summer and it stays light out late).
I will have to come clean to all the people I've told - about 15 people, plus the people who know I'm TTC but don't know about the IVF.
I will have to look into options as to whether a different protocol might help me get more eggs out of another cycle - maybe Gonal F instead of menopur/follistim? I also have to prepare myself for my RE suggesting Donor Eggs.
I suppose there is just no preparing for the moment. I've gotten 5 BFNs before so I know the drill.
If it's BFP, I will still be cautious. I know that I am high risk for miscarriage due to my advanced maternal age.
But honestly, I can't even think about a BFP because once I start down that path I start daydreaming of baby showers, maternity clothes and sonograms. I try to prevent myself from having those daydreams, so that they don't get crushed with a one minute phone call tomorrow afternoon.
I'm really scared.
I have been trying to think of how to prepare for possible bad news. Thankfully it will be Friday so if I have to I can hide out over the weekend. I do have plans both days (mostly birthday celebrations, since my birthday was yesterday) - dim sum with a friend, mani/pedi with another friend, hanging out with a group of other friends, volunteering at a dog adoption fair, and a concert at Disney Hall with yet another friend. I'll have to figure out if I want to cancel my plans and hide, or continue on to keep myself distracted.
Either way I do have to face up to the financial realities. I have purposely ignored this stuff for the past couple of weeks for fear of stressing myself out too badly. But if I get a BFN, I will still have to take a good hard look at my financial situation to figure out how to pay off all the new credit card debt (plus the old debt) and how to possibly ever afford another try.
Obviously I will take at least a month off from TTC, probably longer due to finances. I will certainly need to try to get back in shape - I've gained 5-10 pounds in the past month and I feel really icky. I've been avoiding any strenuous exercise so I will have to start up with hiking again (good thing it's summer and it stays light out late).
I will have to come clean to all the people I've told - about 15 people, plus the people who know I'm TTC but don't know about the IVF.
I will have to look into options as to whether a different protocol might help me get more eggs out of another cycle - maybe Gonal F instead of menopur/follistim? I also have to prepare myself for my RE suggesting Donor Eggs.
I suppose there is just no preparing for the moment. I've gotten 5 BFNs before so I know the drill.
If it's BFP, I will still be cautious. I know that I am high risk for miscarriage due to my advanced maternal age.
But honestly, I can't even think about a BFP because once I start down that path I start daydreaming of baby showers, maternity clothes and sonograms. I try to prevent myself from having those daydreams, so that they don't get crushed with a one minute phone call tomorrow afternoon.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
IVF
I've decided that this whole IVF process is kind of a big mind-fuck. The last time I thought something was a mind-fuck was the California Bar Exam. That one was truly a mind-fuck. Maybe IVF is a mini-mind-fuck. I dunno.
The process can be brutal. Luckily (or not, depending on your perspective), medically I have been through a lot worse. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a blood disease callped TTP, which is a rare side effect of e-coli poisening. I lived on the brink in the ICU at a San Francisco hospital for 39 days, with daily bouts of plasmapheresis, dialysis, blood transfusions, chemo and all sorts of other crazy and invasive things. I'm not going to dwell on that whole experience now (save that uplifting story for another day!), but I will say that it made the IVF process, which many consider absolutely horrifyingly invasive, to be, well, not quite as horrifying.
That's not to say it didn't stress me out majorly though. The multiple early morning doctor's appointments, ultrasounds and bloodwork didn't really bother me. There were only two really terrible parts, the shots and the financial worries. But let me walk a beginner through the process:
THE SHOTS: After I had the aforementioned (in previous blog) cysts removed, they started me on teh shots. Oh the shots. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks because of the stress of giving myself the shots. At night I knew that I had to wake up in the morning at a specific time to give myself a specific shot, and there was nobody around to make sure that I didn't (a) screw it up or (b) chicken out. Well, my dog was there, and he watched with a timid curiosity, but he certainly didn't tell me if I was using the wrong needle gage or mixing my meds improperly. His role was purely cuteness support (which, by the way, cannot be underestimated).
Anyhoo, the shots really sucked. By the end I had bruises on my belly and both thighs. I was obsessed with the chart that my doctor provided to me (updated at each visit) with instructions on which meds to give myself each day. At one point I was injecting myself with four separate shots per day, plus giving myself estrogen patches, multivitamins and various other assorted hormonal thingies. Some of the meds had to be refrigerated, and others didn't. Some meds came prepackaged with needles and syringes, and others had to be put together by hand. For an English major with a fear of needles, this was not fun. My hands shook every time. I fucked up a couple of times but mostly I was able to do it. I was even a little proud of myself for the accomplishment of getting through each round.
THE APPOINTMENTS: So I went in for early morning (pre-work) ultrasounds and bloodwork every two days until I had enough mature follicles to remove. To no surprise to anyone, my follicles did not grow as quickly as the doctor would have liked, so I ended up having to take several extra days of the damn shots, and still only had 3-4 potentially decent follicles. When they finally said I was ready to go, I gave myself one last shot (HCG, to trigger ovulation), then the shots were thankfully done for the cycle. 35 hours later, I went in for the egg retrieval.
ACUPUNCTURE: In addition, I was seeing my acupuncturist once a week. I know so many people who swear by it, but I have to say I did not enjoy it. Who the hell likes to know they have needles sticking out of them all over their body? What if there was an earthquake, or I had an anxiety attack and had to puke? I definitely didn't like the feeling of being trapped on that table by myself. I did it weekly for about 2 months but then I ran out of money so it has to be the first thing to go.
FINANCES: The other stressor, which I have discussed on this blog at length, was the financial commitment. That stressor will be here long after the 2WW is over and will haunt me for years no matter what the outcome. I try not to think about it too much because at this point the credit cards have been charged and there is nothing I can do about it. I do work freelance so my temp job could end any day, and my minimum payment on my Amex is way more than I'll be able to pay this month....but honestly at this point there is simply nothing I can do other than not spend money on anything but pure necessities (though I do have plans to go to the movies tonight and tomorrow night, for the first time in MANY months - I already feel guilty but the plans are made and I can't flake on my friends). The truth is, I did the best I could by shopping around extensively for meds online - I have a 3 page spreadsheet with all the different IVF med pharmacies and the breakdown costs of each med. I even was able to get some of the meds donated. Believe me, I spent over a month researching and scraping to get the best deals and a few breaks. So I know I tried my hardest to save. Unfortuantely the tab was still well over $16k just for the IVF (well over $30k spent total in the past year).
SURGERIES: Moving along from the money woes. There were 3 major procedures involved in the process. The first was the cyst aspiration surgery which I mentioned in the last post. Other than the nerves the night before, it went very smooth and I am thankful for that! The second was the egg retrieval, which is a very similar procedure as the cyst aspiration. That one went OK as well, though I only had 3 mature eggs, which is an extremely low number. Most people have 10 or more. I think another clinic would have canceled the IVF and turned it into an IUI. The procedure itself took about 20 minutes, and I was totally out (thank you anasthesia!). I am actually kind of glad I had to have the first surgery, so I knew exactly what to expect for the egg retrival. Thankfully I recovered from both surgeries very quickly and was back to work the next day.
FERTILIZATION and EMBRYO TRANSFER: The day of the egg retrieval is also the same day as the fertilization attempt. So my baby daddy flew down to LA and gave a fresh sample that day. he also drove me to and from the clinic that day. The nurse in the recovery room said to me "he is so good looking!" which I thought was very cute.
The day after the egg retrieval my doctor called to tell me that 2 of the 3 eggs fertilized. The day after that, he called to tell me that both were dividing. We (he) decided to do a 3-day transfer (as opposed to a 5-day transfer which they would have done had there been more embryos). So on Day 3 after the egg retrieval I went in for the embryo transfer. I found out that day that one of the two was dividing more slowly than they would like to see, so it was up to me if I wanted it transfered. There is a risk that it could implant and form an abnormal embryo. In my mind I figured that if it wasn't dividing properly, it just wouldn't implant and would go away. So I took the risk and implanted both embryos. I have a picture of both sitting on my bedside table at home - what gorgeous looking cells they are!
EMBRYO TRANSFER: They give you 2 valium so that your uterus is relaxed for the transfer. At first I thought it wasn't working then next thing you know I was konked out. I was awake for the procedure (which was remarkably like an IUI except that they use ultrasound to guide where exactly to place the embryos). Easy and quick.
BED REST: After I got home I was ordered 3 days of bed rest. I was nervous about the bed rest but it honestly was a lovely break for me from all the stress of everything over the past months. I had essentially a craft service table set up next to my bed so that everything (snacks, meds, books, dvds, computers, tv, remote) were within arms reach. I had visitors. I slept a lot. My dog stayed with a friend so I literally had no responsibilities except to rest. I have to say, I really loved it. I don't think I realized quite how exhausted I was both mentally and physically from all the hormones, shots, appointments, procedures and money woes, until I forced myself to just sleep it all off.
2WW: So now I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I think this is where the mind-fuck comes in. I've been told not to exercise, so I am trying to limit my dog-walking and commute-walking to very short and slow periods. I can feel the weight piling on. My clothes don't fit. And then I get angry that this could all be for nothing. If after the 2 weeks I am not pregnant, then not only will I be saddled with 5-10 extra pounds, but I will still be broke and majorly in debt. But I try not to dwell on it because stress is not supposed to be good. My acupuncturist told me to eat the core of a pineapple to help implantation, which I did - but she also told me that those chinese herbs were "magic" and that was totally bogus, so I take it with a grain of salt.
My birthday is coming up in a few days (41, don't get me started) but I will still be in my 2ww then. I don't know if that is good or bad. Part of me just wants to KNOW one way or the other, but part of me is dreading a negative outcome. I think I have handled the other negative outcomes OK, but there is so much more at stake with this one, and I don't know how I will react. Either way I will be reminded for many years with each credit card statement.
It has been a trip to say the least. I can't wrap my mind around what will happen next. If it doesn't work, I HAVE to find a way to try again. But I just don't see how I can do it. If it does work, well, let's just wait to even think about the consequences of that.
Mean time, I am thankful every day for my adorable dog who brings a smile to my face every time I look at him. There would be a lot less smiles without his gorgeous little presence in my life.
The process can be brutal. Luckily (or not, depending on your perspective), medically I have been through a lot worse. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a blood disease callped TTP, which is a rare side effect of e-coli poisening. I lived on the brink in the ICU at a San Francisco hospital for 39 days, with daily bouts of plasmapheresis, dialysis, blood transfusions, chemo and all sorts of other crazy and invasive things. I'm not going to dwell on that whole experience now (save that uplifting story for another day!), but I will say that it made the IVF process, which many consider absolutely horrifyingly invasive, to be, well, not quite as horrifying.
That's not to say it didn't stress me out majorly though. The multiple early morning doctor's appointments, ultrasounds and bloodwork didn't really bother me. There were only two really terrible parts, the shots and the financial worries. But let me walk a beginner through the process:
THE SHOTS: After I had the aforementioned (in previous blog) cysts removed, they started me on teh shots. Oh the shots. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks because of the stress of giving myself the shots. At night I knew that I had to wake up in the morning at a specific time to give myself a specific shot, and there was nobody around to make sure that I didn't (a) screw it up or (b) chicken out. Well, my dog was there, and he watched with a timid curiosity, but he certainly didn't tell me if I was using the wrong needle gage or mixing my meds improperly. His role was purely cuteness support (which, by the way, cannot be underestimated).
Anyhoo, the shots really sucked. By the end I had bruises on my belly and both thighs. I was obsessed with the chart that my doctor provided to me (updated at each visit) with instructions on which meds to give myself each day. At one point I was injecting myself with four separate shots per day, plus giving myself estrogen patches, multivitamins and various other assorted hormonal thingies. Some of the meds had to be refrigerated, and others didn't. Some meds came prepackaged with needles and syringes, and others had to be put together by hand. For an English major with a fear of needles, this was not fun. My hands shook every time. I fucked up a couple of times but mostly I was able to do it. I was even a little proud of myself for the accomplishment of getting through each round.
THE APPOINTMENTS: So I went in for early morning (pre-work) ultrasounds and bloodwork every two days until I had enough mature follicles to remove. To no surprise to anyone, my follicles did not grow as quickly as the doctor would have liked, so I ended up having to take several extra days of the damn shots, and still only had 3-4 potentially decent follicles. When they finally said I was ready to go, I gave myself one last shot (HCG, to trigger ovulation), then the shots were thankfully done for the cycle. 35 hours later, I went in for the egg retrieval.
ACUPUNCTURE: In addition, I was seeing my acupuncturist once a week. I know so many people who swear by it, but I have to say I did not enjoy it. Who the hell likes to know they have needles sticking out of them all over their body? What if there was an earthquake, or I had an anxiety attack and had to puke? I definitely didn't like the feeling of being trapped on that table by myself. I did it weekly for about 2 months but then I ran out of money so it has to be the first thing to go.
FINANCES: The other stressor, which I have discussed on this blog at length, was the financial commitment. That stressor will be here long after the 2WW is over and will haunt me for years no matter what the outcome. I try not to think about it too much because at this point the credit cards have been charged and there is nothing I can do about it. I do work freelance so my temp job could end any day, and my minimum payment on my Amex is way more than I'll be able to pay this month....but honestly at this point there is simply nothing I can do other than not spend money on anything but pure necessities (though I do have plans to go to the movies tonight and tomorrow night, for the first time in MANY months - I already feel guilty but the plans are made and I can't flake on my friends). The truth is, I did the best I could by shopping around extensively for meds online - I have a 3 page spreadsheet with all the different IVF med pharmacies and the breakdown costs of each med. I even was able to get some of the meds donated. Believe me, I spent over a month researching and scraping to get the best deals and a few breaks. So I know I tried my hardest to save. Unfortuantely the tab was still well over $16k just for the IVF (well over $30k spent total in the past year).
SURGERIES: Moving along from the money woes. There were 3 major procedures involved in the process. The first was the cyst aspiration surgery which I mentioned in the last post. Other than the nerves the night before, it went very smooth and I am thankful for that! The second was the egg retrieval, which is a very similar procedure as the cyst aspiration. That one went OK as well, though I only had 3 mature eggs, which is an extremely low number. Most people have 10 or more. I think another clinic would have canceled the IVF and turned it into an IUI. The procedure itself took about 20 minutes, and I was totally out (thank you anasthesia!). I am actually kind of glad I had to have the first surgery, so I knew exactly what to expect for the egg retrival. Thankfully I recovered from both surgeries very quickly and was back to work the next day.
FERTILIZATION and EMBRYO TRANSFER: The day of the egg retrieval is also the same day as the fertilization attempt. So my baby daddy flew down to LA and gave a fresh sample that day. he also drove me to and from the clinic that day. The nurse in the recovery room said to me "he is so good looking!" which I thought was very cute.
The day after the egg retrieval my doctor called to tell me that 2 of the 3 eggs fertilized. The day after that, he called to tell me that both were dividing. We (he) decided to do a 3-day transfer (as opposed to a 5-day transfer which they would have done had there been more embryos). So on Day 3 after the egg retrieval I went in for the embryo transfer. I found out that day that one of the two was dividing more slowly than they would like to see, so it was up to me if I wanted it transfered. There is a risk that it could implant and form an abnormal embryo. In my mind I figured that if it wasn't dividing properly, it just wouldn't implant and would go away. So I took the risk and implanted both embryos. I have a picture of both sitting on my bedside table at home - what gorgeous looking cells they are!
EMBRYO TRANSFER: They give you 2 valium so that your uterus is relaxed for the transfer. At first I thought it wasn't working then next thing you know I was konked out. I was awake for the procedure (which was remarkably like an IUI except that they use ultrasound to guide where exactly to place the embryos). Easy and quick.
BED REST: After I got home I was ordered 3 days of bed rest. I was nervous about the bed rest but it honestly was a lovely break for me from all the stress of everything over the past months. I had essentially a craft service table set up next to my bed so that everything (snacks, meds, books, dvds, computers, tv, remote) were within arms reach. I had visitors. I slept a lot. My dog stayed with a friend so I literally had no responsibilities except to rest. I have to say, I really loved it. I don't think I realized quite how exhausted I was both mentally and physically from all the hormones, shots, appointments, procedures and money woes, until I forced myself to just sleep it all off.
2WW: So now I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I think this is where the mind-fuck comes in. I've been told not to exercise, so I am trying to limit my dog-walking and commute-walking to very short and slow periods. I can feel the weight piling on. My clothes don't fit. And then I get angry that this could all be for nothing. If after the 2 weeks I am not pregnant, then not only will I be saddled with 5-10 extra pounds, but I will still be broke and majorly in debt. But I try not to dwell on it because stress is not supposed to be good. My acupuncturist told me to eat the core of a pineapple to help implantation, which I did - but she also told me that those chinese herbs were "magic" and that was totally bogus, so I take it with a grain of salt.
My birthday is coming up in a few days (41, don't get me started) but I will still be in my 2ww then. I don't know if that is good or bad. Part of me just wants to KNOW one way or the other, but part of me is dreading a negative outcome. I think I have handled the other negative outcomes OK, but there is so much more at stake with this one, and I don't know how I will react. Either way I will be reminded for many years with each credit card statement.
It has been a trip to say the least. I can't wrap my mind around what will happen next. If it doesn't work, I HAVE to find a way to try again. But I just don't see how I can do it. If it does work, well, let's just wait to even think about the consequences of that.
Mean time, I am thankful every day for my adorable dog who brings a smile to my face every time I look at him. There would be a lot less smiles without his gorgeous little presence in my life.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
It's no surprise but I did NOT get pregnant from my crazy last minute trip to San Francisco. It was worth a try to be able to save money on IVF. Oh well, IVF here we come.
Speaking of IVF, I was about to begin when they found yet ANOTHER cyst. The doctor put me on birth control pills for 10 days since they normally go away on their own. At the same time, my acupuncturist put me back on heavy duty doses of her "magic" chinese herbs and restricted my diet considerably (no sweets, no dairy - yikes!). I did as I was told, and dutifully took all my meds and herbs for 10 days, went in for 2 acupuncture sessions, drank only green tea, and cooked all my own (healthy) meals.
Guess what? My body decided to say "EFF YOU" to me, the acupuncture, the herbs and birth control pills. Not only did it continue to grow my cyst, but it went ahead and created a new one as well.
Long story short, my doctor is going to surgically aspirate the cysts in a couple of days, at which time I will begin the IVF cycle.
I was so bummed when I found this out this morning that I started crying at my doctor's office. I'm not worried about the procedure - it is minor -- but it is going to cost me an additional $2000. I am moving heaven and earth to try to make this happen but at the same time my debt is mounting up and my body just won't give me a freaking break.
Speaking of money, I went to this company that my doctor told me to call, called MedLoan Finance, for a loan. Their website is pretty darned vague about how the process works, what their fees are etc., so I called them for clarification and they were like "It's easy! you fill out an application and we make a decision within 24 hours, then you have 60 days to accept." LIES. I filled out the application, and the next day found out that I had been tentatively approved for 2 credit cards, which were being sent to me in the mail, and that I owed them a ton of money for providing me this "service". What a scam. I looked at the fine print on the signature page of my application, and it does say (among a litany of other things) that I authorize them to send my information to credit card companies - but it doesn't say that anywhere on their website and they didn't mention it to me on the phone. They started calling me every day to collect their fee and I told them I wasn't ready to accept...but they said the cards had already been mailed to me. Wow, that is so shady. I mean, if I knew they were going to just apply for credit cards, I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF FOR NO FEE!!!! I really thought they were a legitimate loan company who finances loans for people who have medical bills. When I spoke to the credit card companies, they had all my info wrong and had never even heard of this other company.
By the way, they went ahead and took the fee without me authorizing it!!! I feel like I have been majorly scammed and I plan to let my doctor's office know about it!
This whole process is just fraught with pitfalls at every step. And now the fun really begins.
All I want is a little bambino or bambina to love and raise and take care of. Why does it have to be so hard???
Speaking of IVF, I was about to begin when they found yet ANOTHER cyst. The doctor put me on birth control pills for 10 days since they normally go away on their own. At the same time, my acupuncturist put me back on heavy duty doses of her "magic" chinese herbs and restricted my diet considerably (no sweets, no dairy - yikes!). I did as I was told, and dutifully took all my meds and herbs for 10 days, went in for 2 acupuncture sessions, drank only green tea, and cooked all my own (healthy) meals.
Guess what? My body decided to say "EFF YOU" to me, the acupuncture, the herbs and birth control pills. Not only did it continue to grow my cyst, but it went ahead and created a new one as well.
Long story short, my doctor is going to surgically aspirate the cysts in a couple of days, at which time I will begin the IVF cycle.
I was so bummed when I found this out this morning that I started crying at my doctor's office. I'm not worried about the procedure - it is minor -- but it is going to cost me an additional $2000. I am moving heaven and earth to try to make this happen but at the same time my debt is mounting up and my body just won't give me a freaking break.
Speaking of money, I went to this company that my doctor told me to call, called MedLoan Finance, for a loan. Their website is pretty darned vague about how the process works, what their fees are etc., so I called them for clarification and they were like "It's easy! you fill out an application and we make a decision within 24 hours, then you have 60 days to accept." LIES. I filled out the application, and the next day found out that I had been tentatively approved for 2 credit cards, which were being sent to me in the mail, and that I owed them a ton of money for providing me this "service". What a scam. I looked at the fine print on the signature page of my application, and it does say (among a litany of other things) that I authorize them to send my information to credit card companies - but it doesn't say that anywhere on their website and they didn't mention it to me on the phone. They started calling me every day to collect their fee and I told them I wasn't ready to accept...but they said the cards had already been mailed to me. Wow, that is so shady. I mean, if I knew they were going to just apply for credit cards, I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF FOR NO FEE!!!! I really thought they were a legitimate loan company who finances loans for people who have medical bills. When I spoke to the credit card companies, they had all my info wrong and had never even heard of this other company.
By the way, they went ahead and took the fee without me authorizing it!!! I feel like I have been majorly scammed and I plan to let my doctor's office know about it!
This whole process is just fraught with pitfalls at every step. And now the fun really begins.
All I want is a little bambino or bambina to love and raise and take care of. Why does it have to be so hard???
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Note: This posted was originally written on Wednesday April 6
This is officially the fucking weirdest day of my life.
I am sitting in an office in San Francisco while my donor jerks off in the other room.
I am taking this month “off” from IUI/IVF due to a cyst, but figured maybe we could try an at-home insemination. I have been taking those at-home ovulation kits and yesterday tested positive. Generally that means you have about 24-48 hours to try to get pregnant. Soooooo I took the day off work and flew to San Francisco, where I met my donor for a quick drink and then we’re OFF.
Let me start from this morning.
First I had my now-weekly acupuncture appointment, where my acupuncturist hooked up weird electrical circuits to the needles to create a pulsing sensation near my ovaries. When I asked her what is in those Chinese herbs she prescribed to me, she said “magic”. Hmmm. I asked again. She said they work to heal the kidney and blood and organs and loosen the cyst. Yes, I said, but what are they made out of? The answer I got was “Chinese Herbs”. Very helpful.
Then it was off to see my Dr. I took a urine test then went in to the Dr’s office. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, though he did provide me with a cup and syringe and told me to let the semen liquefy for 30 minutes before injecting it. When I was about to leave, we asked the nurse about my urine test and she said it was negative…..which makes no sense because it was DEFINITELY positive yesterday (I took 2 different tests, the store brand test and the fancy brand). So they asked me to give another urine sample. Um, I’m kind of pee shy and I was pretty much empty from peeing a few minutes earlier. So I sat in the waiting room and in the bathroom, sucking down tea and water and trying to focus on peeing (but not focus too much because that didn’t seem to work either). I swear I sat there for like an hour. At several points I knew I had to go but couldn’t because of the pressure. Anyhoo, after a tortuous hour I finally gave them my sample and this one tested, well, undetermined. Sort of positive though the lines were faint. Well, I decided to go ahead and do it anyway. Oh, and the dr charged me $240. For basically NOTHING. I’m kinda pissed but I don’t have time to think about it.
I get home only to find out that my flight has been canceled. CANCELED! That wasn’t stressful at all! Haha, yes, it was very stressful. I had to call Southwest to get a refund, then immediately book a flight on United (which cost $422 by the way, if you ever want to fly LA to SF on a couple of hours’ notice).
Finally a chance to walk the dog and get ready to go. Oh but I must mention the maintenance man, who I asked to come check out a problem in my bathroom. BECAUSE…….
About 2 hours after I left I got a call from my neighbor that she found my dog wandering along the street in front of my apartment complex! He must have gotten out when the maintenance guy was at my house. All I know is that he was definitely there when I left the house. Thank goodness for nice neighbors – I will bake her some cookies this weekend as a Thank You. If something happened to my dog I would just die.
Cut to several hours later, I finally arrived in SF, took the BART to the city and met my donor. We immediately went for a drink (well, he drank, I don’t drink) and are now back at his office (romantic, huh) where he just gave me his sperm in a cup. I am now waiting the required 30 minutes (OK I might cheat it to 15) then up up and away it goes.
More later.
This is officially the fucking weirdest day of my life.
I am sitting in an office in San Francisco while my donor jerks off in the other room.
I am taking this month “off” from IUI/IVF due to a cyst, but figured maybe we could try an at-home insemination. I have been taking those at-home ovulation kits and yesterday tested positive. Generally that means you have about 24-48 hours to try to get pregnant. Soooooo I took the day off work and flew to San Francisco, where I met my donor for a quick drink and then we’re OFF.
Let me start from this morning.
First I had my now-weekly acupuncture appointment, where my acupuncturist hooked up weird electrical circuits to the needles to create a pulsing sensation near my ovaries. When I asked her what is in those Chinese herbs she prescribed to me, she said “magic”. Hmmm. I asked again. She said they work to heal the kidney and blood and organs and loosen the cyst. Yes, I said, but what are they made out of? The answer I got was “Chinese Herbs”. Very helpful.
Then it was off to see my Dr. I took a urine test then went in to the Dr’s office. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, though he did provide me with a cup and syringe and told me to let the semen liquefy for 30 minutes before injecting it. When I was about to leave, we asked the nurse about my urine test and she said it was negative…..which makes no sense because it was DEFINITELY positive yesterday (I took 2 different tests, the store brand test and the fancy brand). So they asked me to give another urine sample. Um, I’m kind of pee shy and I was pretty much empty from peeing a few minutes earlier. So I sat in the waiting room and in the bathroom, sucking down tea and water and trying to focus on peeing (but not focus too much because that didn’t seem to work either). I swear I sat there for like an hour. At several points I knew I had to go but couldn’t because of the pressure. Anyhoo, after a tortuous hour I finally gave them my sample and this one tested, well, undetermined. Sort of positive though the lines were faint. Well, I decided to go ahead and do it anyway. Oh, and the dr charged me $240. For basically NOTHING. I’m kinda pissed but I don’t have time to think about it.
I get home only to find out that my flight has been canceled. CANCELED! That wasn’t stressful at all! Haha, yes, it was very stressful. I had to call Southwest to get a refund, then immediately book a flight on United (which cost $422 by the way, if you ever want to fly LA to SF on a couple of hours’ notice).
Finally a chance to walk the dog and get ready to go. Oh but I must mention the maintenance man, who I asked to come check out a problem in my bathroom. BECAUSE…….
About 2 hours after I left I got a call from my neighbor that she found my dog wandering along the street in front of my apartment complex! He must have gotten out when the maintenance guy was at my house. All I know is that he was definitely there when I left the house. Thank goodness for nice neighbors – I will bake her some cookies this weekend as a Thank You. If something happened to my dog I would just die.
Cut to several hours later, I finally arrived in SF, took the BART to the city and met my donor. We immediately went for a drink (well, he drank, I don’t drink) and are now back at his office (romantic, huh) where he just gave me his sperm in a cup. I am now waiting the required 30 minutes (OK I might cheat it to 15) then up up and away it goes.
More later.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Well I finally got some good news. Not on the baby front, but still, good news is always welcome!! A film that I co-produced last year had it's world premiere at a major film festival a few weeks ago, and it ended up doing REALLY well. Like, REALLY well! We won almost all the awards, including the Grand Jury Award and the Audience Award. This was a micro-budget film shot in a small Texas town with nothing but blood, sweat and tears, so it was so nice to get such a positive response. The best part was getting to meet Roger Ebert, who was on the jury and loved the film. He gave me (or the film) a big thumbs up and has really championed the film at the festival and on his twitter feed. I even got to take a picture with him! We also got a really good review in Variety. Variety!
After all these months of just spending money with no good results, it felt so amazing to just get away from it all and focus on something else. The festival was a lot of fun and I saw a lot of really good movies. I think I needed a kick in the pants to remind me that I still do love movies. What happens next with the film is anyone's guess, but either way it was very validating to be a part of a film that I can actually be proud of (I've made some real stinkers in the past).
Oh, and in order to make sure my head doesn't get too big, I came back to LA and straight to my boring temp job in a windowless room. But I don't care, because it's a job and it's money and I'm beyond thankful to have it.
OK, back to baby stuff. IUI #4 was a bust, so I'm moving on to IVF. A few minor obstacles, however:
1. $$$$. 'Nuff said.
2. I have a cyst so my doctor wants me to wait another month before beginning. He says that with time the cyst should dissolve, and if it doesn't he will have to drain it (more $$ and time, ugh). It is so frustrating! I'll be 41 in 2 months so every month lost feels like a freaking lifetime.
3. My Known Donor (I call him Airplane Baby Daddy since he owns his own airplane) told me yesterday that he has a new girlfriend.
Let's go back to #3, shall we? Yes, a new girlfriend who wants to have her own kids. He told me that he intends to continue on with me......but I know how it goes. Once he gets serious enough with her, and she tells him she's uncomfortable with the arrangement, it's Bye Bye Baby Daddy. Unfortunately I used up all of his samples on IUI #4 so there is nothing in the bank. The doctor wants to use a fresh (rather than frozen) sample this time, which means having to wait until mid-May at the earliest to get him into town and get his sample. Which gives him that much more time to back out! So, I'm trying not to freak out about this. There's nothing I can do if he changes his mind. I guess I'm going to start looking at "backup" anonymous donors just in case.
Oh and just to add another layer of ridiculousness, today I decided to treat myself to a candy bar (Bit O Honey). Chewy, chewy, chewy. Next thing know, I lost half a tooth.
Yup.
After all these months of just spending money with no good results, it felt so amazing to just get away from it all and focus on something else. The festival was a lot of fun and I saw a lot of really good movies. I think I needed a kick in the pants to remind me that I still do love movies. What happens next with the film is anyone's guess, but either way it was very validating to be a part of a film that I can actually be proud of (I've made some real stinkers in the past).
Oh, and in order to make sure my head doesn't get too big, I came back to LA and straight to my boring temp job in a windowless room. But I don't care, because it's a job and it's money and I'm beyond thankful to have it.
OK, back to baby stuff. IUI #4 was a bust, so I'm moving on to IVF. A few minor obstacles, however:
1. $$$$. 'Nuff said.
2. I have a cyst so my doctor wants me to wait another month before beginning. He says that with time the cyst should dissolve, and if it doesn't he will have to drain it (more $$ and time, ugh). It is so frustrating! I'll be 41 in 2 months so every month lost feels like a freaking lifetime.
3. My Known Donor (I call him Airplane Baby Daddy since he owns his own airplane) told me yesterday that he has a new girlfriend.
Let's go back to #3, shall we? Yes, a new girlfriend who wants to have her own kids. He told me that he intends to continue on with me......but I know how it goes. Once he gets serious enough with her, and she tells him she's uncomfortable with the arrangement, it's Bye Bye Baby Daddy. Unfortunately I used up all of his samples on IUI #4 so there is nothing in the bank. The doctor wants to use a fresh (rather than frozen) sample this time, which means having to wait until mid-May at the earliest to get him into town and get his sample. Which gives him that much more time to back out! So, I'm trying not to freak out about this. There's nothing I can do if he changes his mind. I guess I'm going to start looking at "backup" anonymous donors just in case.
Oh and just to add another layer of ridiculousness, today I decided to treat myself to a candy bar (Bit O Honey). Chewy, chewy, chewy. Next thing know, I lost half a tooth.
Yup.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I’m a big sister to three wonderful and much younger half-brothers, ages 17, 14 and 10. So for the past 17 years, I have been closer than an “aunt” but not quite the mother (obviously). For the past 8 ½ of those years, I have lived 20 minutes away from them, and have seen them no less than once a week. For several years, I helped their mother out with what I referred to as “nanny duty” – picking them up from school, taking them to their afternoon activities, and generally helping out with mom-type stuff.
I love my brothers – they are fun, strong, interesting and multi-talented. And they love me dearly, I know that.
But.
It is hard to be “nanny” to children not your own, when you are in your 30s and know that you are really kind of “faking” motherhood. By mid-30s, most women have their own husbands and children. So I find myself in a strange and awkward position when I am at their school or around their friends – I am not one of the moms, nor am I one of the nannies/babysitters. I have met several of the mothers but would not call them “friends”. I always feel like somewhat of a fraud when I’m around the other moms – it is kind of hard to explain because I don’t think there are too many of me out there. Sure, there are mixed families – but I am 30 (yes, thirty!) years older than my youngest brother, as old as (or older than) many of the other moms.
I love doing the mom stuff, and I love being around my brothers – but for some reason which I can’t exactly articulate, I always end up feeling not quite right, not quite good about myself. I always end up feeling “less than.” I look at my life and think to myself – how exactly did I end up here, an outsider in yet another world?
Yesterday was a good example. I was picking up my brother (14) from swim practice at his school. I had my dog with me (he is kind of my permanent companion these days, especially since I am unemployed). I got out of the car and realized that there are no dogs allowed on the campus. So I stayed back, watching the swim practice from a distance….hearing all the kids, coaches and parents cheer on their kids. It was an odd sensation, feeling not quite welcome (because of the dog) yet knowing that my feeling of displacement was, well, displaced. I have spent countless hours on that school campus over the years, I know my way around and probably would have even recognized some of the kids and parents. Yet I felt this strange sensation of not belonging, that I really should just go back and wait in the car.
That feeling of not belonging seems to plague me. I feel that way when I go to bars or clubs (yuck), when I go to temple (which I stopped doing a few years ago because of how out of place I felt), when I’m working in a law firm (I’m faking it, people!), and when I am on a film set (I’m older than all you people!). There is always this nagging feeling that I don’t quite belong anywhere.
And I know I could have easily just left the dog in the car and gone to participate in the swim meet. Why I didn't do that, I can't really say. I do know that I am feeling very attached to and dependent on my dog these days. I know, he doesn't speak English and isn't a person or a spouse or a child, but he has become my little companion and I don't like to be without him. Being around him (and all dogs really) gives me a sense of calm and contentment that I don't really have in the other parts of my life right now. So, instead of joining in the fun and games, I stayed back and watched from a distance.
That might be something I should work on.
I love my brothers – they are fun, strong, interesting and multi-talented. And they love me dearly, I know that.
But.
It is hard to be “nanny” to children not your own, when you are in your 30s and know that you are really kind of “faking” motherhood. By mid-30s, most women have their own husbands and children. So I find myself in a strange and awkward position when I am at their school or around their friends – I am not one of the moms, nor am I one of the nannies/babysitters. I have met several of the mothers but would not call them “friends”. I always feel like somewhat of a fraud when I’m around the other moms – it is kind of hard to explain because I don’t think there are too many of me out there. Sure, there are mixed families – but I am 30 (yes, thirty!) years older than my youngest brother, as old as (or older than) many of the other moms.
I love doing the mom stuff, and I love being around my brothers – but for some reason which I can’t exactly articulate, I always end up feeling not quite right, not quite good about myself. I always end up feeling “less than.” I look at my life and think to myself – how exactly did I end up here, an outsider in yet another world?
Yesterday was a good example. I was picking up my brother (14) from swim practice at his school. I had my dog with me (he is kind of my permanent companion these days, especially since I am unemployed). I got out of the car and realized that there are no dogs allowed on the campus. So I stayed back, watching the swim practice from a distance….hearing all the kids, coaches and parents cheer on their kids. It was an odd sensation, feeling not quite welcome (because of the dog) yet knowing that my feeling of displacement was, well, displaced. I have spent countless hours on that school campus over the years, I know my way around and probably would have even recognized some of the kids and parents. Yet I felt this strange sensation of not belonging, that I really should just go back and wait in the car.
That feeling of not belonging seems to plague me. I feel that way when I go to bars or clubs (yuck), when I go to temple (which I stopped doing a few years ago because of how out of place I felt), when I’m working in a law firm (I’m faking it, people!), and when I am on a film set (I’m older than all you people!). There is always this nagging feeling that I don’t quite belong anywhere.
And I know I could have easily just left the dog in the car and gone to participate in the swim meet. Why I didn't do that, I can't really say. I do know that I am feeling very attached to and dependent on my dog these days. I know, he doesn't speak English and isn't a person or a spouse or a child, but he has become my little companion and I don't like to be without him. Being around him (and all dogs really) gives me a sense of calm and contentment that I don't really have in the other parts of my life right now. So, instead of joining in the fun and games, I stayed back and watched from a distance.
That might be something I should work on.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Who is to blame? (Don't answer)
Geez, I really don't want this blog to become the most depressing place on earth.....but unfortunately I don't have good news to share.
I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.
I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.
Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.
I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.
I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.
I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.
Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.
I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
If the TTC journey is filled with ups and downs, I'm definitely in a down.
I have to admit, things are not so good right now.
I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.
But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.
So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.
Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).
I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.
And that's when everything fell apart.
She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).
Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.
Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.
So basically, I'm a mess.
I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.
As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.
And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.
I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.
But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.
So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.
Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).
I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.
And that's when everything fell apart.
She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).
Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.
Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.
So basically, I'm a mess.
I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.
As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.
And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
One of the Biggest Cliches of Them All
Let's confront one of the biggest and baddest cliches about single mothers out there - that we all women with all-consuming, high paying, fulfilling careers that just never made time to focus on relationships.
WRONG.
We're not all straight out of an '80s movie, wearing boxy suits and one-inch pumps and trying to get ahead at the expense of the evil male coworker who wants to put us in our place. We are regular, ordinary girls who just didn't find "the one" in time.
As for me - yes, I did become a lawyer in my mid-20s and yes, I had the high paying job at a big law firm. But even then, I knew I wanted the whole package of marriage and children. I was ALWAYS ambivalent about being a lawyer - although I really and truly enjoyed law school, I never wanted to practice law and frankly, once I was in it, never enjoyed it or thought of it as my first priority.
I spent the second half of my twenties working at a corporate law firm and "semi-dating" a coworker. This guy was gorgeous, well educated, and a bit mysterious. He was a single parent at the age of 26, which actually was a huge turn on for me, as I didn't know any other young people with families and even then, I knew I wanted one. Well, it turns out he wasn't so mature, and frankly I wasn't so mature, and let's just say I spent (wasted?) a couple of years of my life pining over this totally unavailable man.
After a series of personal crises and a couple more failed relationships (let's just say my judgment in my 20s wasn't so stellar), I left the law firm life and headed back to grad school at the age of 32. Happily, the tables turned and I got more male attention than I gave, and even had a guy or two pine over ME for a change. I met several gorgeous, smart, funny, talented guys during that time, and had several short-term relationships with men who weren't "the one". As I approached my mid-30s, the panic set in and by age 39 I knew I was not going to find someone in time to have a baby.
As for me now, I have been TTC for the better part of two years while simultaneously trying to jump start my new career. I try to date but my heart just isn't in it. I'm actually quite content being single at the moment, and with the exception of the financial factor, am totally at peace with becoming a single mom.
My point is that we aren't all career-hungry vultures trying to break through the glass ceiling at the expense of our personal lives. We are human women who for whatever reason haven't found a mate in time, and whether or not we all have successful careers is irrelevant to this process.
And anyway, boxy suits just aren't my style.
WRONG.
We're not all straight out of an '80s movie, wearing boxy suits and one-inch pumps and trying to get ahead at the expense of the evil male coworker who wants to put us in our place. We are regular, ordinary girls who just didn't find "the one" in time.
As for me - yes, I did become a lawyer in my mid-20s and yes, I had the high paying job at a big law firm. But even then, I knew I wanted the whole package of marriage and children. I was ALWAYS ambivalent about being a lawyer - although I really and truly enjoyed law school, I never wanted to practice law and frankly, once I was in it, never enjoyed it or thought of it as my first priority.
I spent the second half of my twenties working at a corporate law firm and "semi-dating" a coworker. This guy was gorgeous, well educated, and a bit mysterious. He was a single parent at the age of 26, which actually was a huge turn on for me, as I didn't know any other young people with families and even then, I knew I wanted one. Well, it turns out he wasn't so mature, and frankly I wasn't so mature, and let's just say I spent (wasted?) a couple of years of my life pining over this totally unavailable man.
After a series of personal crises and a couple more failed relationships (let's just say my judgment in my 20s wasn't so stellar), I left the law firm life and headed back to grad school at the age of 32. Happily, the tables turned and I got more male attention than I gave, and even had a guy or two pine over ME for a change. I met several gorgeous, smart, funny, talented guys during that time, and had several short-term relationships with men who weren't "the one". As I approached my mid-30s, the panic set in and by age 39 I knew I was not going to find someone in time to have a baby.
As for me now, I have been TTC for the better part of two years while simultaneously trying to jump start my new career. I try to date but my heart just isn't in it. I'm actually quite content being single at the moment, and with the exception of the financial factor, am totally at peace with becoming a single mom.
My point is that we aren't all career-hungry vultures trying to break through the glass ceiling at the expense of our personal lives. We are human women who for whatever reason haven't found a mate in time, and whether or not we all have successful careers is irrelevant to this process.
And anyway, boxy suits just aren't my style.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Desperation Comes in the Form of Urine of Post-Menopausal Nuns
It continues to be a long road, and I am resisting the urge to post all the gory and mostly negative details on here. The brief rundown is that I have switched fertility clinics, had 2 more IUIs and 2 more negative results. I am now one of these people who injects herself with hormones and spends all her money ($15,000 so far, no joke) on fertility doctors, meds and procedures. It's been a trip to say the least.
This month I will be giving myself not one, but TWO shots each day, one of which is made from, get this, the urine of post-menopausal nuns. Yes, you read that right. Now, why post-menopausal nuns hold the secret to fertility, I will never know.
There is some irony in me injecting myself with nun urine, though. When I was a freshman in college, I became very friendly with a group of 4 other girls, all of whom were, shall we say, inexperienced in the bedroom. Basically, we were all losers in high school and none of us ever had a boyfriend. Instead of going out and partying till dawn every night, we stayed in our dorm room and made up dorky dances to Cat Stevens music. Soon enough, we became known as "The Convent." The five of us remained close friends and roommates, and still have Convent Reunions once a year. Though we have all broken the sacred convent vow of chastity, and most have gone on to have boyfriends, girlfriends and/or children, some of us (ahem, me) are still single. At this point, I may actually be a born-again virgin. Or something. So in my heart, I am still a nun and therefore could be a prime candidate for making Menapur and helping others have babies. Wait.
This month I will be giving myself not one, but TWO shots each day, one of which is made from, get this, the urine of post-menopausal nuns. Yes, you read that right. Now, why post-menopausal nuns hold the secret to fertility, I will never know.
There is some irony in me injecting myself with nun urine, though. When I was a freshman in college, I became very friendly with a group of 4 other girls, all of whom were, shall we say, inexperienced in the bedroom. Basically, we were all losers in high school and none of us ever had a boyfriend. Instead of going out and partying till dawn every night, we stayed in our dorm room and made up dorky dances to Cat Stevens music. Soon enough, we became known as "The Convent." The five of us remained close friends and roommates, and still have Convent Reunions once a year. Though we have all broken the sacred convent vow of chastity, and most have gone on to have boyfriends, girlfriends and/or children, some of us (ahem, me) are still single. At this point, I may actually be a born-again virgin. Or something. So in my heart, I am still a nun and therefore could be a prime candidate for making Menapur and helping others have babies. Wait.
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