For those of you who know me in person and/or think of me as an asexual being, you might want to skip this post. Also this post is really long so apologies to those with short attention spans. Finally, it'd be great if whoever reads this refrains from judging me or Mr. D. Thanks :-)
It all started back in June, after my failed IVF. My Donor (Mr. D -trying out that nickname) suggested we try things the natural way before I go and blow another $20k on more treatments. I hesitated. We've known each other for a year but had never been intimate in any way, nor did we really think of each other in those terms (at least I didn't). We had in the past tried a very awkward at-home insemination at his office using a cup and needle less syringe. When it came to June, though, he balked at doing it that way again. Sort of like a guy who complains about having to use a condom (they take away all the sensation!), he complained about having to do the deed into a cup (it's so clinical and impersonal!). After only a small amount of encouragement, I agreed to go forth and multiply the natural, old-fashioned way.
When I arrived for our first official skin to skin contact session, I was a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be?). I always thought of him as good looking and kind, but I just didn't ever allow myself to think of him in a sexual way, because we had this very businesslike contract and quite a bit at stake for the future. Add to this the fact that (a) I hadn't had sex in over two years (!), (b) he was involved with someone else (more on that in a minute), (c) everyone knows that sex complicates things, and (d) if things went bad I would lose my potential Baby Daddy, and I was understandably terrified. Although I don't drink at all, I immediately took him up on an offer for a drink, and we went to a nearby watering hole where I drank half a glass of red wine and felt flushed and relaxed within minutes. Within a half hour after that, we were back at his office where he had set up music and candles. I let him initiate because I was frankly too freaked out - I mean, were we supposed to kiss? Should there be foreplay and if so, how much? Is this something we should enjoy and make tender or is it something much more businesslike?
Luckily he took very nice care of me and made it as easy, warm and as comfortable as possible given the awkward circumstances. He started with a big bear hug which led to a kiss and so on and so on. As he wrote me later, it was a very sweet and tender moment with a good purpose.
I left that day feeling more connected to him but still in a non-romantic way. When I got my BFN from that cycle, I started thinking about trying again. On my 2nd trip up, he got us a hotel room next to the airport where we frolicked with more ease and comfort than before. However, he told me that he was having problems at home because his girlfriend suspected something was up.
This was obviously a huge issue for both of us but obviously more so for him. When he first suggested sleeping together many months back, we were both single but I declined and said it was better, safer and overall healthier if we went through doctors. But when he suggested it in June, I was at the end of my rope with all the failures of IUIs and IVFs and decided it was time to give it a go. However, by then he was seeing another woman. She knew of my existence and the IVF attempt and understandably wasn't happy about any of it. She apparently had been so upset before my IVF that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks. I know for sure that she felt threatened by me, and frankly I felt threatened by her, not because of any romantic interest in her boyfriend, but because she might convince him to back out of our arrangement.
So before we slept together, I was in a moral quandry about what to do. I admit that I was blinded by my desperation from all my BFNs and probably did not use good judgment, and I am not proud of what I did. But at the time I felt that I HAD to do it. We discussed whether he would tell her and ultimately he decided not to. He repeatedly assured me that whatever happens is his responsibility 100% and I would not be to blame. I think he knew in the back of his mind that he was not fully committed to this woman, and being with me was a way to face that for himself.
Back to that hotel room in July. He told me that she must have read his emails that morning because he sensed she knew I was coming to town. He knew there would be trouble waiting for him at home that night and was starting to take more serious stock in what was happening with their relationship. I kept my distance for a while and ultimately it appears she decided to overlook her suspicions.
At that point I would say that our physical chemistry was good and we were definitely growing closer. When I got my BFN that month, I have to admit I was actually looking forward to going up there again to see him.
It's the third time that changed things for me. This time I actually drove up north, and got to his office at around 9pm. Let me tell you, this time our chemistry was sizzling hot. There was no small talk, no awkward exchanges. We just got right to the point. When I jokingly asked him "how was your day?" as we were getting dressed, he told me that he thought the girlfriend hired a private investigator or was otherwise spying on him, because she seemed to know again that I was coming to town, even though we had only made the arrangements earlier that same day. He seemed to sense that he was in big trouble and that the end was near with her.
I stayed with a friend in the city that night, and the next day, after my morning romp with Mr. D, we went to get coffee and something inside me changed. At that moment, it occurred to me that I was starting to have actual real feelings for him. Suddenly I didn't understand why I never let myself go there mentally before. I mean, we had a million things in common, got along really well, had great chemistry, and were already trying for a bambino. It also occurred to me that for the first time, I was feeling more than just threatened by the girlfriend. I was feeling jealous of her. And I was secretly hoping she did know about us so that she would break up with him. I was also feeling like a home wrecker, which made me feel a bizarre combination of guilt, mortification and giddiness.
Luckily these feelings began to fade within a few days, and I decided that I must have just been caught up in the moment of the sex, the secrecy and the uniqueness of our situation.
About two weeks later I found out that he and the girlfriend did in fact break up. He reassured me that I was not to blame, that it was 100% his fault, and that he has learned a lot about himself and what he wants from this experience. I was relieved, not just that they broke up but that I was absolved from blame. Mostly, though, I was relieved that I would not be competing for his sperm anymore, in the sense that I want to be the only Baby Mama out there until my bambino comes along.
The most devastating day for me in this whole TTC process came less than 2 weeks ago, when my RE told me about my very bad hormone levels, and suggested that I look into donor eggs. As I've written in prior blog posts, this news hit me so incredibly hard and touched on all sorts of issues relating to my parents and my life. When I reached out to Mr. D, he couldn't have been sweeter. This prompted some emails and phone calls where we decided to go on a little getaway together. Even though my RE told me that I would have less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, we decided to pretend otherwise and just get away together. He was going to fly his plane down the coast and I was going to drive up, and we would meet in the middle.
I was really looking forward to the getaway. My friends all noted that this story is turning into a romantic comedy of epic proportions, and I started to let myself get excited of the possibility of a real romantic connection between me and my newly single sperm donor.
We did in fact meet up this past weekend, and though it was lovely in some ways, I realize that trying to turn us into a couple is like putting a square peg into a round hole - it just doesn't fit. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but we just don't have a romantic connection in that way. Maybe the expectations were too high, or the girlfriend breakup is too fresh, or more likely, it just isn't meant to be. That's not to say that things are ending (whatever "things" are), but ultimately I know in my heart that this is not going to be some fairy tale ending of us living happily ever in a big house with a bambino and a great love.
In fact I admit that I came back from the trip a little bit depressed. It's that old saying "a taste of honey's worse than none at all." All this time I've been single and absolutely fine with that. But now I've gotten a little tiny taste of intimacy, and realize how much I am missing it in my life and how much I want to find it with someone I truly connect with. I know it will ultimately be up to me to try to find that in my life, and although now is definitely not the time for me, I hope that the future will allow me a bigger taste of romantic love that even finds its way to a fairytale happy ending.
And that's where things stand in my convoluted world of romance and bambino making. Stay tuned for the next chapter.
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| Pismo Beach. |
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