I've been seeing this new acupuncturist that specializes in fertility, and like the acupuncturist before him, he prescribed me chinese herbs. This time, however, he seemed to have a specific blend of herbs in mind for me and his office filled my "prescription" cocktail especially for me. I've been avoiding making the herbs for over a week and last night finally bit the bullet.
Man, those herbs are GROSS. First of all, they take over an hour to prepare. You are not supposed to use a metallic pot to cook them, so I used a glass double boiler with no lid. You have to boil the herbs for 30 minutes, then strain the resulting tea into a glass container, then repeat the process. This creates 2 days worth of tea, of which you are supposed to drink 1 cup 3 times per day. I had some trouble straining the tea into my glass container so I ended up losing a bunch of the liquid. Ultimately I decided that it's OK, though, because there is no way in hell I can drink the stuff. I tried, I really did. You know when you walk into a low rent chinese restaurant and the place smells, well, stinky? That's what my house smelled like last night, and it's what the tea tasted like. I just couldn't do it.
I have been able to inflict all sorts of things on myself - the hormone injections, the hundreds of doctors and acupuncture appointments all before my workday begins, the swallowing of those giant prenatal vitamins, just to name a few of the unpleasantries. But drinking those chinese herbs - no can do. I guess my body and mind just draw the line somewhere, and this is where.
I really wanted to be one of those people who can turn to alternative therapies and find solace and maybe redemption. I wanted to love acupuncture, meditation and holistic herbal therapies. But, I am too firm a believer in science and truly believe that one cannot reverse time. My eggs are 41 years old and no amount of meditation, needles or disgusting chinese herbs are going to make them younger. The acupuncture is unpleasant but I can deal with it. Meditation certainly can't hurt (though I don't really have the patience for it). Chinese herbs, though - well, I can say that I tried.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
I Don't Want A Soap Opera, I Just Want a Bambino
My trip to SF resulted in a BFN (Big Fat Negative for you newbies). I decided to do a second "natural" try (ie Booty Call Revisited), and am in my 2 week wait for the results of that one. The last BFN barely bothered me at all, I am just so freaking used to it now.
Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby. The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun. It's the aftermath that's murky. Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious. We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to. I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook. That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still. Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch. But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.
I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.
On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn. But now I am starting to re-think the plan. I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds. However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada. Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger. If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all. I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it.
I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work. I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money. If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll. But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.
Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby. The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun. It's the aftermath that's murky. Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious. We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to. I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook. That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still. Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch. But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.
I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.
On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn. But now I am starting to re-think the plan. I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds. However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada. Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger. If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all. I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it.
I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work. I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money. If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll. But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.
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