Tough Times

Note - I wrote this post back in mid-November, just before Thanksgiving, but was too scared to post it until now.  After things got progressively worse over Thanksgiving, I started to come out of the fog in December and am definitely feeling more like myself. So, no need to worry about me - I will be OK. Just wanted to get this out there.

So I appear to be having some sort of mini breakdown.  I think the whole of this past year is starting to become a reality and it is weighing on me very heavily.  Also, today is the 12th anniversary of the day my mom passed away.  So, tough times.

I love Thanksgiving and every year my family (my dad, his wife and their kids) all go up to the mountains where they have a cozy cabin.  I love it up in the mountains, especially the cold, fresh air.  But this year I have ben dreading the trip.  I think it's because last year I had just started TTC and really thought that by this time around I would have a baby on my hip or at least in my belly.  Whenever I spend time up there I feel like the spinster older sister....my brothers are in their teens and they have their friends and their own social life....and my dad and his wife's friends all have kids who go to private school and are on the ski team....so I really have nothing to say to these people.  Plus, and this may seem paranoid, but I always feel like these people wonder what I am doing there - I mean, why doesn't this 41 year old woman have her own family? Or even a husband? Whether or not they think that, who knows, but I know I feel extremely self-conscious about it.  I am not one of the kids but I don't fit in with the adults, and I end up feeling pretty isolated when I'm there.  I just really had hoped that this year I would have my own family to bring.  But alas it did not happen that way.

There are some other family strains as well (ie my relationship with my father and his reaction to my TTC efforts, plus the entire family's strong negativity towards my dog, who they do not let me bring) which have made me nervous about being trapped in a house with them for 5 days.  It's a good sized house but we do all share bedrooms and there really is no privacy. 

Add to this my extreme stress about money, my anxiety about not being able to get a real job, and my huge disappointment with the two failed IVFs and multiple failed IUIs this year, and let's just say I'm not in a good headspace.

But it's wierd, up until yesterday I was able to handle all this stuff.  During work yesterday I felt really strange - very jittery, and on the verge of tears all day.  In retrospect I was working myself up to something.  Then last night I was walking the dog, when I decided to sit on the sidewalk for a moment to just breathe in the fresh night air.  It was a nice moment, just me and the dog hanging out, until a guy with two yellow labs walked up to their car about 20 feet away from me.  The labs were distracted by my dog and the man politely asked me to move my dog out of the way so that he could get his dogs into the car without them going crazy.  He wasn't really rude about it but for some reason I just burst into tears.  It's like my whole life came crashing down in that tiny moment.  Suddenly I was crying for all my failures and telling myself that my whole life has just gone so wrong.  I know, it is very random and I'm sure a sign of clinical depression.  As the night progressed, there was more crying and I developed a headache. I even went to the store to buy some ginger ale since I was starting to feel nauseous.  Then, around 11pm, I started throwing up.  For years I had an unnatural phobia of throwing up, so obviously this was scary and upsetting. 

I didn't sleep much last night but I did hope that I would feel better today. No such luck. I keep thinking I feel ok then I will randomly burst into tears. I told my family that I can't go up to the mountains today - the thought of being trapped as a passenger in a packed car for 6+ hours really scares me today. The thought of leaving my dog scares me. Basically I am just a mess and can't get it together today. 

I am going to borrow a friend's car starting tomorrow night and drive up to the mountains then.  I feel better knowing I will have my own transportation. I have been car-less since the summer and for the most part it hasn't been terrible, but it is really starting to get to me. I hate feeling so trapped and dependent on other people to go anywhere. 

So I realize that what I am describing is probably clinical depression, but I also know that it is situational in nature. I am trying like crazy to change my life and "fix" my situation but I have been hitting my head against a brick wall when it comes to finances, career and bambino, so it is frustrating to say the least. 

I am hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight. 

The Interview That Wouldn't End

I had an interview this morning for a job which I am only marginally interested in.  In fact, the job itself sounds pretty tedious, and it is located in Santa Monica, which would make my commute about an hour each way.  The reasons I would consider it are: (a) they are very dog friendly, which means I could have my dog with me all day every day, and (b) I need a more stable job with benefits if I am serious about becoming a mama.  So, I rented myself a zipcar and drove to Santa Monica for what I thought would be a simple 30-60 minute interview.

I get there and begin the interview with a young attorney.  In fairness he does warn me that he has a lot of questions for me.  However, I am totally baffled by the inanity of most of the questions. Here is a sampling:

1.  Looking back to the time up through high school (HIGH SCHOOL!), tell me who was most influential on your life.
2.  What did you like about high school?
3.  What did you not like about high school?
4.  What were your career ambitions when you were in high school? [SERIOUSLY, I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL 22 YEARS AGO, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING]
5.  Same questions repeated for college and law school.
6.  With respect to your first job out of law school, what did you like most about it?
7.  What did you like least?
8.  What were the strengths of your supervisors at that firm?
9.  What were the weaknesses of your supervisors at that firm?
10.  What were your strengths at that job?
11.  What were your weaknesses at that job?
12.  What was your starting salary at that job? Ending salary?
13. Repeat same questions regarding every job I've had since then.
14.  What are you most interested in about our company?

And on and on and on.  That conversation lasted at least 45 minutes. 

Then I met with the head legal guy, who was really nice and talked to me like a normal human being, though he was relatively long winded.  At this point I was getting nervous about the time because I had to return the zipcar by 11:30 and still had an hour's drive to get to the return spot. 

The kicker was that at the end of that conversation, he put me in a room by myself and made me review and revise a contract for 30 minutes as a "test" of my abilities.  WOW, this is one serious mother-effing interview.  At this point I finally looked at the time and it was 11:23am.  I realized I would be late returning the zipcar but I didn't want to whip out my phone and call them in front of everyone. 

Long story short about the zipcar, I returned it an hour and a half late, and spent almost $100 (including the late fee) on it.  And I didn't get to work until after 1pm.....all for a job that I really don't want but kind of need.

I don't know why, but the "test" really annoyed me.  I understand why they did it, but honestly I was caught pretty off-guard about how intense this process would be - it's a first interview after all, from a job listing on career builder.  When I left I was panicked about the car thing and annoyed at the length of it all and the inanity of the questions about high school.  C'mon, you can tell from my resume that I'm over 40 - can't you at least try to tailor your questions to my experience since law school?

The good news is that I feel like I have done something on my list for today.  I am continuing to get out into the world, meet new people and have non-ttc experiences.  And that is worth something to me right now. 

Coming Out of the Haze

So for all those who read my last blog entry, I wholeheartedly apologize.  Wow, I really take first prize in the "feeling most sorry for myself" contest.   But, I'm forcing myself to climb out of the hole.  I have even tackled one or two things from my "improve my life" list.

I have been hiking every week, which I absolutely love. Nothing makes me calmer or more content than walking with my dog through a cool, breezy mountain under the stars with my hiking group.  I have half-heartedly gotten back online, and even have a coffee date scheduled for this week.  I haven't been so good about staying off the internet but hey, one day at a time.  I'm still job hunting but am also grateful to even have this dead-end temp job, so I will stop complaining about that as well. 

I had a pumpkin carving party at my house on the day before Halloween.  It was good to be with family and friends for a few hours and not talk about myself at all.  We had contest for cutest pumpkin, scariest pumpkin and most creative pumpkin.  I am still working my way through all the candy and pumpkin seeds. 

OK so my guests didn't get quite as advanced as this, but we all still smiled real big!

This weekend I went to a friend's birthday party at the horse races in Santa Anita, which was super fun.  We got all dolled up and had a great time. I didn't know any of the guests beforehand but it didn't matter.  We all placed our $2 bets and had a blast.  We even got to meet one of the horse owners and watch a horse get saddled up for his race.  Man, those jockeys are TINY! I always knew they were small but I had no idea how small you really have to be to be a jockey. 

Bugle Serenade at the Races

So, slowly but surely, I am making my way back into the world.  Some days I do sink back into the woe-is-me moods, but I find ways to console myself, like by watching a good movie or reading a good book or walking my dog. 

I still have a long way to go, and am not even sure where I am going, but I am hoping to get there eventually. 

Super Dog on Halloween