Starting to Face Reality That My Own Eggs Just Aren't Going to Make the Cut

I went in for my bad-news meeting on Friday and not only did my doctor confirm the high FSH result, he also told me that my AMH is 0.16 (should be greater than 1.0) and my Inhibin B is 19 (cutoff is 44; last year it was at an amazingly high 166).  He actually told me that he was surprised at how quickly my numbers have changed, and that it doesn't make complete sense to him given my high egg quality at IVF retrieval back in May.  He asked if I had been under any particular stress and at first I said "no".  I thought about it for a second, though, and then revised my answer - I have been working 90+ hours a week, and did have a car accident last month, and have been dealing with trying the old-fashioned way with a donor who lives 375 miles away.  My RE suggested that I re-test at the start of my next cycle.  If the numbers are still crappy, he will not recommend that I proceed with my own eggs.

I did lose it a little at the doctor's office. I'm sure this happens daily in his office because he has a box of tissues very strategically placed on his desk.  We talked about egg donation.  It turns out it adds an additional $15k to the cost (so approx $30k total).  He briefly explained the process and gave me a list of agencies.  However I have decided I don't want to work with an agency, because (a) it is more expensive and (b) those donors are anonymous.  Given the amount of time and energy I took to find the perfect sperm donor, I can't imagine doing anything less to find an egg donor.  I want my child to know where he/she came from, and I want it to be as open as possible.  Whether that means maintaining a relationship with an egg donor, or just keeping lines of communication open if the child has questions, I don't want there to be secrecy and I want my child to know that this person plays an important role in his/her existence.  My RE seemed a bit shocked at how open I would want it, but in that way I already know how different I am from other SMCs. 

My doctor apologized for making me cry, which was sweet.  I held most of it in until I was in my car on my way to work, when I just absolutely lost it.  I got to the parking lot at work, put my car in park, and bawled like a baby for about 5 minutes.

I was able to pick myself up in order to walk into my office building and make it up the elevator to my office, but I have to admit I didn't get much (any) work done that day.  Instead, I spent the day crying and trolling the internet for egg donors.  Within minutes I found websites with people offering to donate eggs (for a fee of course - I mean nobody is THAT generous).  I have written to several and am corresponding with a few already. 

I wrote to my donor (I still don't have a good online identity name for him!) and told him of the situation.  He is going through his own struggles in his personal life and I keep thinking he will decide to just back out.  But, he keeps staying.  He sent me a really sweet email saying how much he admires me for my attitude, persistence and devotion to this, and my hard work, and told me that he will stick with me on this.  As I told him, I am lucky to have found him as he truly is a one-of-a-kind person. 

I do have a problem keeping my personal problems to myself (I am a gossip even about my own struggles) so I have told pretty much all my friends and family that I have been trying to conceive.  Almost everyone has been very supportive.  There are a few people who I can tell think it's weird and maybe wrong, but they haven't said anything to me out loud - I can just sort of tell from the looks on their face and their follow up questions (things like "um, how exactly will it work?").  I absolutely respect their rights to their opinions and do not judge them for this.  It is a rather unconventional way to live. 

But there's one person who has expressed extreme disapproval with what I'm doing, and unfortunately it is the one person who I have always relied on the most in my past and the person I would want on my side the most.  I told this person about my plans to TTC over a year ago, and he made it very clear to me back then that he thinks what I'm doing is selfish and cruel (bringing a child into the world with no support system of a father, no financial security, and with a mother who struggles financially and has no stable income).  Since then I have not spoken to him about it, though I know that other people in my circle have relayed to him what's going on.  Anyway, the most surprising thing about my reaction to Friday's doctor's appointment is how much I wanted to talk to him about it.  This is a person who in the past has been my confidante, and to not have him to talk this through with has been jarring and upsetting to say the least.  So, in the midst of my tears I wrote him an email just laying it all out.  I told him about my donor, my IUIs, my cyst aspiration surgery, my IVF attempt and the latest disappointment with my hormone levels.  I basically just had to get it off my chest.  It did sort of jump start a conversation although he is currently out of the country so I haven't discussed it with him in person.  I think the main thing is that he doesn't understand that I am way beyond the "thinking" stage and that one way or another, I am going to become a single mom. 

I guess my point is that even though I have been upset about this for a year, I didn't realize HOW upset I really was until Friday, when he was the only person I wanted to talk to and the only person I couldn't talk to.

The hardest part about giving up a biological connection is that I won't get to see my mom live on in another generation.  My mom died 12 years ago and I'm sure in her wildest dreams she didn't think there would be no grandchildren.  I do have a brother but he is single also and who knows what will happen in his future.  I just really wanted to pass along my parents to the next generation.  My cousin had a baby girl last year, and she looks just like my cousin's dad who passed away several years ago.  My cousin said to me "you think someone's gone, then one day you have a baby and you see them again".  That's what I wanted, so so so badly.  Losing my dad's genes is difficult as well, since he is a very special man.  However, he does have 3 young boys, and I'm sure at least one of them (if not all) will live on to pass on his name and genes.  So his side of my genes are sort of covered.  For my mom's side, though, it is the end of the line, as there are no genetic grandchildren (or even nieces or nephews) for her.  This whole thing is making me grieve my mother's loss so much more.  I often wonder what she would make of my crazy life, and if my life would even be the same if she hadn't died.  I made some radical choices in the year or so after she passed away, and I am living the result of those choices to this day.  Who knows, if she hadn't died I may not have done x which led to y which led to z which led to where I am today. 

So basically, I am grieving, living in denial and trying to move on, all at the same time.

See, doctor, no stress at all!

It's Always Something

So even after 4 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 ICI, 3 old-fashioned tries, and a 40th & 41st birthday behind me, I still want to push forward with another IVF.  I cashed out that final 401(k) from my old lawyering days and was ready to write the check and go.
But.

I mentioned to my RE that my cycle has shortened to 21 days for the past few cycles.  He immediately stopped the process and said something to the effect of "let's re-test your hormone levels, since money doesn't grow on trees and we don't want to waste it".  He put me on birth control pills to delay the cycle while we wait for the test results.  I have an appointment with him this Friday to go over the results.  However, by yesterday I couldn't wait any longer and I called the office to see if any of the results had come in.  A few of the tests had come back and they are not good.

My fsh, which is supposed to be below 10 (and always had been under 10 in the past) has spiked to 17!  This is very very bad.  Though I haven't spoken to the doctor yet, I do know that many clinics will not even consider me a candidate for IVF with an fsh this high. 

This is devastating news.

I'm really really really depressed about it. Everywhere I look it's babies! and husbands! and weddings! and home-buying! and careers! and families! Most people get to have some or all of these things.  I always knew deep down that I wouldn't have it all, but I wanted my little piece.  If I can't get the spouse, or the house, or the career, then at least I could make my own little family.  And if I had to use a donor for sperm, at least I would use a known donor so that my child could look in the mirror and know where he or she came from.  It never really occurred to me that my child would get to see the face of his biological sperm donor but would not get to see my own genes in that mirror.   

I know that I can still use an egg donor or adopt.  Yes, I know it. 

I just feel so cheated.  Everyone else gets to have all these things, and I have accepted the fact that I won't have many of those things.  I have accepted that I'm not going to have a traditional nuclear family. I have accepted that money is going to be tight.  I have accepted that I am single (and am really ok with it!).  But I have not accepted that I cannot pass along my own mom and dad to another generation. Is this selfish and egotistical? Yes....but that's how I feel.

I have made a lot of choices in my life which have led me to where I am today. Some choices have been strong, and some very weak.  Over the past year and a half I have chosen to make my own family on my own terms.  Finding a donor was a huge and life altering process, but I did it.  I've catalogued on this blog the process of finding a donor, going through all the tests and procedures, and trying traditional chinese medicine, all with money that I don't have to spare.  It was my choice and though I bitched about it, I continued to try because I thought deep down that the end result would be my own little baby with my own squinty eyes and maybe the personality and expression of my mom, dad and brothers. 

Ultimately, though, it seems I simply waited too long to start the process.  And honestly, it just sucks. 

I think one of the worst parts is the jealousy that stings in the pit of my stomach every day - I am jealous of every pregnant stranger on the street.  I am jealous of my friends and family that found love, marriage, houses, careers and/or babies. I am jealous of celebrities that I read about having babies.  It seems that I am jealous of every living human being on the planet these days.  I am aware that the jealousy thing is my achilles heel and something I need to work on.  But it is hard, because everywhere I look I am bombarded with all the things I want and can't have.

So I wait until Friday to hear the official bad news.  And I will have to find a way to move on.

Even Life Inbetween IVFs Isn't So Easy. But It's Still Better Than Stabbing Myself With Hormone Injections Daily.

It's been a nutty month or so. In a quick nutshell - my car finally died (may she rest in peace, sweet '94 MBZ with awesome automated seatbelts affectionately named Vern and George); I took over use of a family member's car; and said "new" car became the sandwich meat inside a 3-car pileup (with me and my dog inside). The dog and I are OK but the car has seen better days.  Said new car is now in the shop for what feels like an eternity. 

In other news, I am now working 2 temp jobs - last week was a 90+ hour week.  The 2nd temp job is temporary (really) so I should only have to keep up the schedule for at most another week.  I am officially leading a double life - call me Donna Draper or Clarkina Kent.  Well, except I'm not saving the world - just working on saving myself right now! 

In bambino news, I am still not pregnant after a THIRD trip to San Francisco 2 weeks ago for some implantation a naturale (s-e-x).  The s-e-x is complicating things for sure but now that I have a bit of distance I am putting that all aside for now because I'm honestly just too busy and tired to think about it.  More on that later for sure. 

But, I think it is finally hitting me that I just may be infertile.  It's only taken a YEAR of nonstop BFNs and 2 birthdays involving the number 4 for me to figure this out.  I guess when you really want something you don't let reality get in the way. Or something.  I don't know how I will cope if I can't have a baby of my own. I just don't know.

So tomorrow I go back to my RE to begin the showdown for IVF #2.  The final frontier.