Wednesday, December 30, 2009

The Process

Today was my first real appointment to discuss my medical options. So exciting and scary and exhausting.

The first step is to find out, given my age, if I'm still even able to have children and what the status of my fertility is. There are a gazillion tests, as follows:

1. A progesterone test -- which is a blood test to be taken 7-days after ovulation. I have to go buy myself an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. The goal is to have between 3-10 nanograms of progesterone.

2. An FSH Test and estrodial test, which is a blood test which I took today (Day 3 of my cycle). I'll get results next week.

3. I will need to take a chlamydia and gonorrhea test from my regular obgyn. I will also need other blood tests such as thyroid, prolacitn, blood chemistry, STD test, chidhood antibody tests and a urinalysis.

4. HSG test -- to do next month, during days 4-8 of my cycle. I have to take antibiotics the day before, day of and day after to rpevent infection. This is the test where they insert a dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages.

5. I will need a "formal ultrasound" to be performed by a radiologist.

6. Genetics testing from a genetic counselor. There are 3 places to go -- UCLA, cedars and 1 other private place. This person looks at my family and medical history (and that of the sperm donor) and talks to me specifically about testing for cystic fibrosis and downs syndrome, including taking a CVS screening (done in the 1st trimester) and amnio (2nd trimester).

Other info I got today: The miscarriage rate of women past age of 40 is 1 in 3.

If IUI (turkey baster method) isn't going to work, they can do a Clomid IUI (clomid is a fertility drug), and then there is yet one more option before going to IVF.

I need to look into the California Cryobank, which is where they would process the sperm I end up using.

Now, all this mechanical stuff is all well and good, but if I don't have a "bio-dad" then I can't really move forward. I have a letter drafted to my friend R to ask him to be a donor but I am scared to send it. I have known and been friends with R for 20 years and I have always thought of him as a possible donor. I asked him 2 years ago and he told me that he didn't think he wanted to have kids anymore.....but I'm going to ask him again in a letter and this time offer him the option of either being involved or just being a donor. I'm scared to send the letter because I don't know what I'll do if he says no. You see, I know in my heart that I want a known donor, not an anonymous one. I want my child (should I have one) to know who his or her father is, een if there's no father-child relationship. I don't want the genetics to be a mystery. I don't care how complicated it is -- I want there to be a 2nd person involved in som way.

I'm too tired to keep writing. Not sleepy, just exhausted mentally. So much to think about and I know that my "thinking" time is running out and soon it is do or die.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dreams, Nightmares and Reality

So I've read two books so far on being a single mother by choice (SMC). Getting ready to start the next but the thing that concerns me is that every piece of writing on this subject has an agenda. The books and articles I've read that are written by these SMC's all proclaim how wonderful (though hard) it is and how their kid doesn't even really care about not having a dad. Now, the thing is, I know these people are saying this because they are defending their choice. Which is fine....but I want some REAL answers, from kids of SMCs, who talk openly about not having a father and how it has affected their lives. This is something I haven't yet been able to find.

As I read the books and listen to stories of these single moms, I find myself yearning more and more for motherhood. I have always wanted to be a mom. I love kids. Kids love me. I find myself fantasizing about living in my rented townhouse with my baby, where I would put everything, how great it is that the closest elementary school is right across the street, and how I would take the baby and dog for daily walks in the neighborhood. Of course, immediately after the fantasy comes the panic -- of "well if the 2nd bedroom is the baby's room then I can't have a roommate, and how will I afford to live here?" and "what if the dog needs to be walked at night and the baby is already asleep?" and "how will I manage financially with being a freelancer? Do I have to get a "real" job"? Then it leads me down the path until I think to myself, "why are you even thinking about this? you have no business doing this. you're just a kid yourself".

Of course, the truth is probably somewhere inbetween these fantasies and nightmares. But still, the thing about these SMC books is they all say that most SMCs are older and have set careers (ie decent income). Well, true, I am older (39) but my career and finances are more unstable than ever. Right now I can barely cover my rent. I don't know how I will support a child. But, I don't want to wait. Maybe another 6 months. Ideally my plan is to go in for testing in January '10, then get inseminated in June (the month I turn 40).

This year was very good careerwise (produced a short film and line produced 2 features) but absolutely devastating financially. The films I do don't pay much -- they are really just building blocks to find bigger, better films later on and to develop a good reputation. I know I'm good at what I do. But the film industry is so tough and every project I've been offered since then (3 so far) have been such pathetic budgets that they don't make sense to do. So, I take these temp legal jobs to pay the bills, which is fine except that right now there just aren't any. Not exactly the most stable environment to bring up a child in. Sometimes I work from home, sometimes on location, sometimes at law firms, and sometimes not at all. I actually like the lifestyle for the most part as it gives me flexibility in my own life (except for now, when panic sets in as my bills far surpass my income). But for raising a child, it's far from ideal.

So I just don't know what to do. I would love to be in a position where I can have a good career and a stable income. If that were the case I would be that much closer to pulling the trigger on the baby thing. But I'm not there. Fine if I'm 30 or 35, but I will be 40 and truly I feel the TICK TOCK TICK TOCK of that biological clock every freaking day.