Tough Times

Note - I wrote this post back in mid-November, just before Thanksgiving, but was too scared to post it until now.  After things got progressively worse over Thanksgiving, I started to come out of the fog in December and am definitely feeling more like myself. So, no need to worry about me - I will be OK. Just wanted to get this out there.

So I appear to be having some sort of mini breakdown.  I think the whole of this past year is starting to become a reality and it is weighing on me very heavily.  Also, today is the 12th anniversary of the day my mom passed away.  So, tough times.

I love Thanksgiving and every year my family (my dad, his wife and their kids) all go up to the mountains where they have a cozy cabin.  I love it up in the mountains, especially the cold, fresh air.  But this year I have ben dreading the trip.  I think it's because last year I had just started TTC and really thought that by this time around I would have a baby on my hip or at least in my belly.  Whenever I spend time up there I feel like the spinster older sister....my brothers are in their teens and they have their friends and their own social life....and my dad and his wife's friends all have kids who go to private school and are on the ski team....so I really have nothing to say to these people.  Plus, and this may seem paranoid, but I always feel like these people wonder what I am doing there - I mean, why doesn't this 41 year old woman have her own family? Or even a husband? Whether or not they think that, who knows, but I know I feel extremely self-conscious about it.  I am not one of the kids but I don't fit in with the adults, and I end up feeling pretty isolated when I'm there.  I just really had hoped that this year I would have my own family to bring.  But alas it did not happen that way.

There are some other family strains as well (ie my relationship with my father and his reaction to my TTC efforts, plus the entire family's strong negativity towards my dog, who they do not let me bring) which have made me nervous about being trapped in a house with them for 5 days.  It's a good sized house but we do all share bedrooms and there really is no privacy. 

Add to this my extreme stress about money, my anxiety about not being able to get a real job, and my huge disappointment with the two failed IVFs and multiple failed IUIs this year, and let's just say I'm not in a good headspace.

But it's wierd, up until yesterday I was able to handle all this stuff.  During work yesterday I felt really strange - very jittery, and on the verge of tears all day.  In retrospect I was working myself up to something.  Then last night I was walking the dog, when I decided to sit on the sidewalk for a moment to just breathe in the fresh night air.  It was a nice moment, just me and the dog hanging out, until a guy with two yellow labs walked up to their car about 20 feet away from me.  The labs were distracted by my dog and the man politely asked me to move my dog out of the way so that he could get his dogs into the car without them going crazy.  He wasn't really rude about it but for some reason I just burst into tears.  It's like my whole life came crashing down in that tiny moment.  Suddenly I was crying for all my failures and telling myself that my whole life has just gone so wrong.  I know, it is very random and I'm sure a sign of clinical depression.  As the night progressed, there was more crying and I developed a headache. I even went to the store to buy some ginger ale since I was starting to feel nauseous.  Then, around 11pm, I started throwing up.  For years I had an unnatural phobia of throwing up, so obviously this was scary and upsetting. 

I didn't sleep much last night but I did hope that I would feel better today. No such luck. I keep thinking I feel ok then I will randomly burst into tears. I told my family that I can't go up to the mountains today - the thought of being trapped as a passenger in a packed car for 6+ hours really scares me today. The thought of leaving my dog scares me. Basically I am just a mess and can't get it together today. 

I am going to borrow a friend's car starting tomorrow night and drive up to the mountains then.  I feel better knowing I will have my own transportation. I have been car-less since the summer and for the most part it hasn't been terrible, but it is really starting to get to me. I hate feeling so trapped and dependent on other people to go anywhere. 

So I realize that what I am describing is probably clinical depression, but I also know that it is situational in nature. I am trying like crazy to change my life and "fix" my situation but I have been hitting my head against a brick wall when it comes to finances, career and bambino, so it is frustrating to say the least. 

I am hoping to get a good night's sleep tonight.