Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Journey Continues

It's been well over a year since I've updated here. I suppose I needed time away from the whole process.  Since that time several things have transpired with respect to Project Bambino:

(1) I did one more medicated IUI (failed);
(2) I found an egg donor; and
(3) I have reverted back to being just friends with Mr. D. 

In my professional life, I Line Produced a very large project last summer and Production Supervised 2 other studio-type (yet still low budget) projects.  For 7 straight months, from April through November, I was working 14+ hour days doing work I love.  I really did savor every minute of immersing myself in that world, though by the end I was physically and mentally quite exhausted. Luckily now I am back working as a contract attorney in a law firm, in an "easy" 40-hour a week job. It has been a nice break actually (though I am already looking for new film type opportunities as I am getting antsy to get back in).

The truth is, I was happy to be so busy and have a break from thinking about Bambino for the better part of a year.  I needed to get out of my own head.

That said, the major reason I have taken a break is that I am still paying off a butt load of debt related to my failed IVFs and IUIs (and will be for years).  The straw broke on that poor camel's back and I just couldn't do it any longer.  I still want to proceed but am feeling more financially insecure than ever and with the distance of time am feeling like the whole things is harder to justify.  Even if I were to scrape up enough money and credit (approx $25k) to do IVF with an egg donor, I don't know how I would pay for pregnancy, childbirth and everything involved in child rearing. I guess I'm starting to believe what my father told me, which is that having a baby at my age and in my financial position would be selfish and irresponsible. 


I know that I want kids.  It is one of the only things I have always known.  Dogs and kids.  I'm now 42 (and a half!) years old. To do it, I need to act now. Time is not on my side. Even though I will be using an egg donor, age matters. I don't want to be too old to rear a child. My mother died at 56. I was 29 years old at the time, and thought I was way too young to lose a parent. I wouldn't want a child of mine to have to face that early in life, especially without having a 2nd parent. 

What I would ideally like is to find another woman or couple who is looking for an egg donor, and share eggs with them, thus splitting the costs.  I have told my RE and OBGYN to keep an eye out, but so far no luck. I even posted online ads and tried to spread the word. 

I found the most perfect egg donor.  She's smart, musically talented, pretty and just adorable.  I constantly worry that she'll change her mind, since it is so much to ask of someone.  But we have stayed in touch for over a year so I'm hoping it will happen. 

Ultimately, if it happens I know my life will change and I know it will be hard, and yes I am still as scared as ever.  How this will all transpire, if at all, I have no clue.  But I'm just here to let the world know that my journey continues.


No comments: