Preparing Myself

I'm going in tomorrow for my beta test. It will be 11 days past embryo transfer and 14 days past egg retrieval.

I'm really scared.

I have been trying to think of how to prepare for possible bad news. Thankfully it will be Friday so if I have to I can hide out over the weekend. I do have plans both days (mostly birthday celebrations, since my birthday was yesterday) - dim sum with a friend, mani/pedi with another friend, hanging out with a group of other friends, volunteering at a dog adoption fair, and a concert at Disney Hall with yet another friend. I'll have to figure out if I want to cancel my plans and hide, or continue on to keep myself distracted.

Either way I do have to face up to the financial realities. I have purposely ignored this stuff for the past couple of weeks for fear of stressing myself out too badly. But if I get a BFN, I will still have to take a good hard look at my financial situation to figure out how to pay off all the new credit card debt (plus the old debt) and how to possibly ever afford another try.

Obviously I will take at least a month off from TTC, probably longer due to finances. I will certainly need to try to get back in shape - I've gained 5-10 pounds in the past month and I feel really icky. I've been avoiding any strenuous exercise so I will have to start up with hiking again (good thing it's summer and it stays light out late).

I will have to come clean to all the people I've told - about 15 people, plus the people who know I'm TTC but don't know about the IVF.

I will have to look into options as to whether a different protocol might help me get more eggs out of another cycle - maybe Gonal F instead of menopur/follistim? I also have to prepare myself for my RE suggesting Donor Eggs.

I suppose there is just no preparing for the moment. I've gotten 5 BFNs before so I know the drill.

If it's BFP, I will still be cautious. I know that I am high risk for miscarriage due to my advanced maternal age.

But honestly, I can't even think about a BFP because once I start down that path I start daydreaming of baby showers, maternity clothes and sonograms. I try to prevent myself from having those daydreams, so that they don't get crushed with a one minute phone call tomorrow afternoon.