Booty Call

Another last minute crazy trip to SF.


I had planned to take off a month then go back for another round of IVF. I even met with my doctor last week and he confirmed that was a good plan. He told me that although my reserve is low, my egg qulity is excellent, so if I have the money IVF would be a good next step (though still only a 16% chance of success).

Of course, I hadn’t talked to Baby Daddy about any of this, so I wrote to him to ask him if he was willing to freeze a sample for me for one more IVF. He suggested we try it “the natural way” for a month or two before I drop another $ 20k. Makes sense (though I don’t want to wait too long, as that clock is ticking like crazy). So I started to do the math and realized that I actually should be ovulating right about then. Took a test that night and low and behold it was positive, which meant ovulation within 24-36 hours. After a series of pee-stick mishaps the next morning, I tested again (still positive) and hopped on the next flight to SF.

Baby Daddy did say that he wanted to try it the “old-fashioned” natural way, meaning you-know-what. Hmmm. I have to admit I had mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it does make things simpler, less “medical” and more, well, natural. On the other hand, sex just always complicates things and I don’t want this to be more complicated than it already is. Plus, there is a whole other can of worms relating to his personal life which, to protect his privacy, I won’t go into here. I will say that it was not a simple decision but ultimately I decided to go for it.

I wrote a whole paragraph on the details, but on second thought I am removing them. Needless to say, the deed is done and now I just have to wait and see if little Grumpy does his job and turns into a baby.

Posting Things That Make Me Happy, to Help Ease the Pain of the Sadness

It's been a really tough week, so I thought I would take this opportunity to change things up a bit. Instead of the usual frustration/sadness/life's-not-fair bit,which I am apparently getting way too good at, I'm going to post some things that make me feel happy.

My sweet dog

My little dog makes me smile every day. He is the first thing I see when I wake up (usually because he is literally waking me up) and the last thing I see when I go to bed at night. He brings me comfort and joy every day and I am lucky to have him.

The Golden Gate Bridge

San Francisco is just one of those places that makes me happy. Period.  I have lived there several times during my life and have to say that the city makes me feel ALIVE.  The cool, crisp air, the clear blue skies, even the June gloom....it brings back nostalgia of my youth and makes me feel tingly and happy.

Mom's Chocolate Cake

 What can I say about my mom's chocolate cake? It makes me think of her.  That's all.

Dim Sum

 Oh how I love Dim Sum.  Those mean little ladies pushing those fantastic carts....the shrimp har gow, barbeque pork buns, hot jasmine tea and sesame balls....heaven.

Rick Springfield

My first real girlhood crush, which lasts to this day.  I got my BFN on Friday but Saturday night I rocked out to some of my favorite music from my favorite musician.  He makes me feel like I'm 13 again. How I love him for that.

Runyon Canyon

 Ah, hiking runyon canyon.  I love when my dog runs like the wind, then comes running back to me.  I love hiking on a cool, crisp day when I can actually get to the top and feel good.  I especially love to hike after a recent rain, when everything is green and moist and delicious.

The Mountains

 I love cold weather, especially snowy weather.  I love the cold fresh air of the mountains. And I especially love being there with a giant fuzzy dog to keep me warm and cozy.

Camp Towanda

I spent my childhood summers at this gorgeous camp in rural Pennsylvania.  The camp goes back in my family several generations and I feel a sense of happy nostalgia when I'm there. I can still smell the wood of the bunks, the dewy green grass and the morning buttered rolls. 

My favorite movie of all time. The movie that made me love movies. 

 

And that's about all the happiness I can take right now. 

BFN

Devastated.

Preparing Myself

I'm going in tomorrow for my beta test. It will be 11 days past embryo transfer and 14 days past egg retrieval.

I'm really scared.

I have been trying to think of how to prepare for possible bad news. Thankfully it will be Friday so if I have to I can hide out over the weekend. I do have plans both days (mostly birthday celebrations, since my birthday was yesterday) - dim sum with a friend, mani/pedi with another friend, hanging out with a group of other friends, volunteering at a dog adoption fair, and a concert at Disney Hall with yet another friend. I'll have to figure out if I want to cancel my plans and hide, or continue on to keep myself distracted.

Either way I do have to face up to the financial realities. I have purposely ignored this stuff for the past couple of weeks for fear of stressing myself out too badly. But if I get a BFN, I will still have to take a good hard look at my financial situation to figure out how to pay off all the new credit card debt (plus the old debt) and how to possibly ever afford another try.

Obviously I will take at least a month off from TTC, probably longer due to finances. I will certainly need to try to get back in shape - I've gained 5-10 pounds in the past month and I feel really icky. I've been avoiding any strenuous exercise so I will have to start up with hiking again (good thing it's summer and it stays light out late).

I will have to come clean to all the people I've told - about 15 people, plus the people who know I'm TTC but don't know about the IVF.

I will have to look into options as to whether a different protocol might help me get more eggs out of another cycle - maybe Gonal F instead of menopur/follistim? I also have to prepare myself for my RE suggesting Donor Eggs.

I suppose there is just no preparing for the moment. I've gotten 5 BFNs before so I know the drill.

If it's BFP, I will still be cautious. I know that I am high risk for miscarriage due to my advanced maternal age.

But honestly, I can't even think about a BFP because once I start down that path I start daydreaming of baby showers, maternity clothes and sonograms. I try to prevent myself from having those daydreams, so that they don't get crushed with a one minute phone call tomorrow afternoon.