Big Fat Negative

Well, 14 days waiting, 2 pregnancy tests down, and 1 result - negative.

I know, it would have been way too easy for me to get pregnant on the first try. But still.

I was supposed to wait until this morning to take the test - but as of last night I couldn't wait any longer, so I took the test right before bed and it was negative. Then I somehow convinced myself that results are not accurate unless taken today. Even the directions on the package said that if you are taking the test before your missed period, you should take it first thing in the morning. So, I went to bed and forced myself not to pee until I was able to get up, get dressed, feed and walk the dog, drive to Rite Aid, buy a test, and drive to work. Not fun! And of course, I got here, took the test and got the same result.

I am going to keep my head up, talk to my doctor (or more likely, his nurse) today and get ready to try again.

But there is only 1 vial of sperm left from APD, so this could be my last chance unless I am able to convince him to continue donating.

I'm going to have to get serious about taking out a loan.

But first I'm gonna drink a big fat cup of caffeinated tea. And maybe eat a candy bar or two.

Waiting

They warned me that the two week wait (2WW) would be tough. But yikes, it is really tough!

Luckily I am working 7 days a week during the entire 2 weeks, so I am distracted quite a bit. Still, everytime I feel any sort of twitch in my body, I wonder. If I feel "normal" I think well, it must have failed. I notice every twitch, every possible symptom. I am trying so hard not to psych myself up for good news, but it is so hard. I am so tempted to start looking into baby names and good birthing hospitals and prices for doulas. I have thought about who I will tell during those first critical weeks (but who am I kidding, I probably won't be able to keep it secret from anyone who knows me at all).

But I know it's all so premature. I know that most people don't get pregnant on the first try. I know that there could be huge disappointment coming my way. But there is nothing I can do about it for another 8 days. So, I'm trying to relax and go on with my life as normal. Whatever that is!

I am also dangerously low on cash. I honestly don't know how I will come up with money for additional cycles. There are loan options out there that I will need to start looking into. Also, I am planning on moving to a new fertility clinic, one that treats me like a person and not a number, and one that doesn't charge me a fortune every time my Donor wants to donate. I've been really unhappy with my clinic; however, if I get pregnant on try #1 I will put it all behind me and give them only a raving review! But, one thing at a time.

I'm also looking for a higher paying job, hopefully combining my entertainment and attorney experience. I used to really want to practice entertainment law, but when I left my firm 9 years ago I swore I would never practice again. Well, that lasted for about 5 years and since then I have been switching back and forth between law firms and movie sets. Now that I am really trying to settle down and make a family, I am hoping to go back to my original plan of entertainment law. It would be a good happy medium (hopefully) for me; though I undoubtedly will miss the adrenaline rush I get from preproduction and production.

So, while I wait, I work, job hunt and catch up on my Mad Men episodes (love, love, love that show).

Here We Go

Today was my first insemination!

It has been a roller coaster of a month. First I switched fertility clinics. I probably chose the wrong one (a huge, impersonal "factory" in Beverly Hills) but once I was in the door there was no turning back. That's when I found out how truly expensive this was going to be. Then, the day he was due to come to Los Angeles to donate his specimen, my Donor backed out. Like, completely. I am proud that there were barely any tears on my end, but I will admit to a guilt email and phone call to encourage him to reconsider. Then there were talks with lawyers and new agreements to draft. Then my donor came back on board (hallelujah!) and we signed the agreement. Then fertility meds. Then shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and pillls to take and a shot to trigger ovulation. Then insemination days. Today and tomorrow.

Today I was up at the crack of dawn to get myself to the clinic by 7am, and on the way there I was having all sorts of doubts and fears about going through with it. But at the ultrasound, the technician told me I have two juicy follicles ready to go, and I got a huge smile on my face!

The whole experience has been surreal. I can't even let myself think about actually being pregnant and having a baby for fear that this cycle won't "take" or if it does take, fear of a miscarriage. But then once in a while a thought creeps through and I get super giddy and excited about the possibility. Then there are the obligatory "what the hell am I thinking" moments? I would say I vascillate all day long, every day, between joy, anxiety, stress, fear and hope. The way I figure it, if there is more joy and hope than anxiety, stress and fear, then I am coming out ahead.

Mostly, though, I am exhausted. I know, I know, this is only the beginning of the exhaustion if this all works out. But let me tell you, it is only my first cycle and my life has been turned upside down by all the early morning appointments, drug protocols, financial issues etc. I don't know how people do this for multiple cycles, trying for month after month or year after year, with each procedure more invasive and expensive than the last. I know that for me, I probably won't be able to afford another cycle. I will have to wait it out and see how I feel in 2 weeks. It really is emotionally and physically quite taxing.

It's funny because for the most part I have grieved the loss of the nuclear family, and I am comfortable with the idea of raising a child on my own. But when I go to the clinic and I see all the married women with their husbands, I get those jealousy pangs again. Frankly, though, I also get jealous when a married woman shows up with her mom or her sister, since I don't have those, either. So, I suppose I will just have to get used to it, because I really want to have a baby and I know that this is pretty much my only chance.

But no pressure or anything.

Well, it only took 8 months but I am finally just about finished with all the testing. Had the HSG and ultrasound last week - looks good and only cost over $1,000 (yikes!). Next week is the progesterone test. Of course, because my original blood tests were 8 months ago, I have to re-do them to make sure the numbers still look good.

I'm in the process of drafting an agreement for Airplane Baby Daddy and I to sign. I also hired a private investigator to do a little digging (to make sure he's not some crazy criminal). I also broke up with Alpha and Beta (by email, which I admit was a total chickenshit move, but I just couldn't bare to do it in person).

Overall, things are moving forward.

The biggest stressers are (a) finances and (b) my dad.

I am currently working very inconsistently. The job market is bad and although I am looking for something longer term and more stable, the reality is that I will probably still be a freelancer when (if) I get pregnant. Of course, once pregnant my chances of getting a full time salaried job are nil. And of course, I may have mentioned that my insurance covers NONE of these fertility tests or treatment. Zilch. I'm on my own there. So, my credit card debt is rising and my income is zero at the moment, and this is obviously hugely stressful for me. I have already spent close to two thousand bucks on tests and dr appointments, and I haven't even started TRYING to conceive yet. I am trying to stay calm, and tell myself that these things are necessary and I CANNOT wait another year to get myself financially stable. People keep telling me that there is never an ideal time to have a baby, even under the best of circumstances, and that I just have to go for it and it will work itself out. I know that I have the earning potential, I just haven't realized that potential yet. Hopefully it's not too late for me (earning potential wise and baby-making wise).

A few months ago I told my Dad my plans and it did not go well. I won't get into the specifics because he is sensitive about me posting any private information on the web. I will say that it is an ongoing stresser for me and I wish things were better in that area.

I have kind of worked myself into a tizzy over all the fears and stresses....but then I also have moments of excitement that make me realize it is the right decision for me. I can't wait to take my child to the farmers market and let him or her taste a plum for the first time. It's the little moments that give me the most encouragement. I know that I can enrich a child's life and raise a good human being. I just hope to be given the chance.

Project Bambino

I met with Airplane Baby Daddy this past weekend and I have to say, it seems that we are on the same page. Yay for the same page!

Dinner on Friday was lovely, and we literally closed the place down. Granted, we made small talk for a good two hours before we got around to discussing the elephant in the room, but once we did, it went well. He told me that he would want to be like a grandfather or favorite uncle and that I could be the "primary" parent. I formalized this in an email yesterday, ie that I would have full legal and physical custody, and he agreed, saying essentially that he would be a Known Sperm Donor. Next step is to consult with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist), lawyer and private investigator.

There was only one, er, red flag. That is, we are both sort of in the same field of film production, and he kept trying to pitch me his script ideas. Like, at least 5 or 6 different ones. He was definitely more interested in talking shop than talking baby. This made me really nervous at first, and still does a bit. However, I am starting to see it as more of a blessing, actually, because it appears that he really is going to be quite hands off when it comes to bambino, unlike my alpha beta gay male couple who wanted to be consulted on every decision. I just hope that he isn't using the baby thing as a way to get me interested in his film career and offer to produce his movies or something. I can't help it, I'm old enough and wise enough to be cynical.

I am coming to terms with the thought of being a single mom. I am actually excited about it now. I know there will be huge financial, physical and mental challenges, but I am more excited than scared. If this works out, I will feel so grateful to ABD for giving me the gift of a child. I will be eternally happy that bambino can say "my dad lives in XXX" or "I have my dad's nose/eyes/ears/belly button". (S)he will have a father to celebrate father's day and birthdays with. But I will still be a single mom. Me, Bambino and puppy dog. And that makes me happy.

Dog Alert!

Those are the two words that absolutely grate on me the most right now.

My lovely gay couple are incredibly high maintenance about their dogs. These are two perfectly well behaved dogs, yet every time we are out with them and either one of their human owners sees another dog, I hear "Dog Alert!" Then, the two of them scramble to pull their dogs aside, distract them and prevent them from barking. It is quite a system they have. It means that when we go hiking, every five seconds I hear "Dog Alert"! To make matters worse, if a dog is off leash (as MANY dogs are on hiking trails, including my own) they start yelling at said dog to BACK OFF, as if that dog is specifically out to get their dogs. In addition, there are mumbled comments about owners who keep their dogs off leash or unneutered. At dinner last week, we were talking about our lifestyles and I mentioned how I'm generally a pretty laid back person. Their response? "We are, too. DOG ALERT!" I am not kidding.

Frankly, I can't stand it.

I tried diligently to break up with them two weeks ago, but they came back with an offer to be simply Known Donors rather than co-parents. This offer was VERY tempting, as I had fantasies of me being the sole legal and physical guardian of a child, with unlimited visitation from them. The thought of having a dad(s) to love is so darned tempting and I would never want to deny a child of that right. However, their offer was quickly amended to want to have their name on the birth certificate, to maintain legal rights "for insurance reasons" and to be consulted on major decisions. They even want to sleep at my house during those first infant months to help out with feedings etc. So nothing has changed at all. I mean, the conversation included such statements/questions as "we wouldn't be happy being just Disney Dads; I mean, you wouldn't want us to be just Disney Dads, would you?" My answer was "uh, yes, that is exactly what I want". So we see where this is headed, which is nowhere good. I am going to have to break up with them again, this time for good, and man am I dreading it.

So moving on, I am having dinner tonight with Airplane Baby Daddy (ABD?). I have only met him once, and for only half an hour, so I have no idea of what his expectations are, but I will find out in about 2 hours. Trying not to get too excited or scared. There is only a potential human life on the line, after all.

Being Alone

The thing I hate most about being single is having to make all decisions alone. I have no problem doing things on my own or living alone - give me a lazy Sunday to go on a hike, make homemade brownies or go grocery shopping, and I am a happy girl. But if I have to decide on anything important, I really want to make the decision with someone else. I find myself living in a kind of limbo of not making any decisions, and therefore not moving forward on anything, for months or years at a time. I've wanted to take a vacation (to Africa or South America) for years but since there's nobody to go with, I just think about it and do nothing to make it happen. I haven't left the country in 3 years.

That said, if I have someone who is invested, I'm happy to make decisions on our behalf. The last time I did leave the country was when I traveled to Cuba with a good friend. It was my idea and once she validated it, I was able to do all the research and make all the arrangements. We had a great time and even though I know I was responsible for the trip, I couldn't have done it without her telling me it was OK and agreeing to go with me. I suppose this is a weakness of mine, which is that I don't trust my own judgment and am looking for validation from others.

So needless to say, having nobody as invested in the baby issue as I am makes it all that much harder to make decisions and take action. Nobody but me is really going to care if I DON'T become a mom, so nobody is giving me that extra push or encouragement that I need. I talk to friends about it, and they are supportive, yet they really are very disconnected. I know it's a cynical thought, but the truth is people really only care about their own lives and don't really want to get that involved in yours. This is not a judgment -- we are all the same way. I can listen to a friend's problems and give advice but when I hang up the phone or drive away, I'm back into my own world of problems.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself that I don't have anyone who REALLY will get involved and tell me what to do. I've been independent for so long that I don't even know if I have the skills to be in a relationship; yet I long for someone to lean on, someone who will help me make decisions. I fear that I'm going to sit on my butt for months and years and not make a decision until it's too late. I don't want to have regrets either way, yet whatever decision I make will ultimately be my responsibility. RESPONSIBILITY. At 40 years old, I guess I'm going to have to take some of that for myself. I didn't think I would have to do it on my own, though.