Being Alone

The thing I hate most about being single is having to make all decisions alone. I have no problem doing things on my own or living alone - give me a lazy Sunday to go on a hike, make homemade brownies or go grocery shopping, and I am a happy girl. But if I have to decide on anything important, I really want to make the decision with someone else. I find myself living in a kind of limbo of not making any decisions, and therefore not moving forward on anything, for months or years at a time. I've wanted to take a vacation (to Africa or South America) for years but since there's nobody to go with, I just think about it and do nothing to make it happen. I haven't left the country in 3 years.

That said, if I have someone who is invested, I'm happy to make decisions on our behalf. The last time I did leave the country was when I traveled to Cuba with a good friend. It was my idea and once she validated it, I was able to do all the research and make all the arrangements. We had a great time and even though I know I was responsible for the trip, I couldn't have done it without her telling me it was OK and agreeing to go with me. I suppose this is a weakness of mine, which is that I don't trust my own judgment and am looking for validation from others.

So needless to say, having nobody as invested in the baby issue as I am makes it all that much harder to make decisions and take action. Nobody but me is really going to care if I DON'T become a mom, so nobody is giving me that extra push or encouragement that I need. I talk to friends about it, and they are supportive, yet they really are very disconnected. I know it's a cynical thought, but the truth is people really only care about their own lives and don't really want to get that involved in yours. This is not a judgment -- we are all the same way. I can listen to a friend's problems and give advice but when I hang up the phone or drive away, I'm back into my own world of problems.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself that I don't have anyone who REALLY will get involved and tell me what to do. I've been independent for so long that I don't even know if I have the skills to be in a relationship; yet I long for someone to lean on, someone who will help me make decisions. I fear that I'm going to sit on my butt for months and years and not make a decision until it's too late. I don't want to have regrets either way, yet whatever decision I make will ultimately be my responsibility. RESPONSIBILITY. At 40 years old, I guess I'm going to have to take some of that for myself. I didn't think I would have to do it on my own, though.