I’m a big sister to three wonderful and much younger half-brothers, ages 17, 14 and 10. So for the past 17 years, I have been closer than an “aunt” but not quite the mother (obviously). For the past 8 ½ of those years, I have lived 20 minutes away from them, and have seen them no less than once a week. For several years, I helped their mother out with what I referred to as “nanny duty” – picking them up from school, taking them to their afternoon activities, and generally helping out with mom-type stuff.

I love my brothers – they are fun, strong, interesting and multi-talented. And they love me dearly, I know that.

But.

It is hard to be “nanny” to children not your own, when you are in your 30s and know that you are really kind of “faking” motherhood. By mid-30s, most women have their own husbands and children. So I find myself in a strange and awkward position when I am at their school or around their friends – I am not one of the moms, nor am I one of the nannies/babysitters. I have met several of the mothers but would not call them “friends”. I always feel like somewhat of a fraud when I’m around the other moms – it is kind of hard to explain because I don’t think there are too many of me out there. Sure, there are mixed families – but I am 30 (yes, thirty!) years older than my youngest brother, as old as (or older than) many of the other moms.

I love doing the mom stuff, and I love being around my brothers – but for some reason which I can’t exactly articulate, I always end up feeling not quite right, not quite good about myself. I always end up feeling “less than.” I look at my life and think to myself – how exactly did I end up here, an outsider in yet another world?

Yesterday was a good example. I was picking up my brother (14) from swim practice at his school. I had my dog with me (he is kind of my permanent companion these days, especially since I am unemployed). I got out of the car and realized that there are no dogs allowed on the campus. So I stayed back, watching the swim practice from a distance….hearing all the kids, coaches and parents cheer on their kids. It was an odd sensation, feeling not quite welcome (because of the dog) yet knowing that my feeling of displacement was, well, displaced. I have spent countless hours on that school campus over the years, I know my way around and probably would have even recognized some of the kids and parents. Yet I felt this strange sensation of not belonging, that I really should just go back and wait in the car.

That feeling of not belonging seems to plague me. I feel that way when I go to bars or clubs (yuck), when I go to temple (which I stopped doing a few years ago because of how out of place I felt), when I’m working in a law firm (I’m faking it, people!), and when I am on a film set (I’m older than all you people!). There is always this nagging feeling that I don’t quite belong anywhere.

And I know I could have easily just left the dog in the car and gone to participate in the swim meet. Why I didn't do that, I can't really say. I do know that I am feeling very attached to and dependent on my dog these days. I know, he doesn't speak English and isn't a person or a spouse or a child, but he has become my little companion and I don't like to be without him. Being around him (and all dogs really) gives me a sense of calm and contentment that I don't really have in the other parts of my life right now. So, instead of joining in the fun and games, I stayed back and watched from a distance.

That might be something I should work on.

Dog Alert!

Those are the two words that absolutely grate on me the most right now.

My lovely gay couple are incredibly high maintenance about their dogs. These are two perfectly well behaved dogs, yet every time we are out with them and either one of their human owners sees another dog, I hear "Dog Alert!" Then, the two of them scramble to pull their dogs aside, distract them and prevent them from barking. It is quite a system they have. It means that when we go hiking, every five seconds I hear "Dog Alert"! To make matters worse, if a dog is off leash (as MANY dogs are on hiking trails, including my own) they start yelling at said dog to BACK OFF, as if that dog is specifically out to get their dogs. In addition, there are mumbled comments about owners who keep their dogs off leash or unneutered. At dinner last week, we were talking about our lifestyles and I mentioned how I'm generally a pretty laid back person. Their response? "We are, too. DOG ALERT!" I am not kidding.

Frankly, I can't stand it.

I tried diligently to break up with them two weeks ago, but they came back with an offer to be simply Known Donors rather than co-parents. This offer was VERY tempting, as I had fantasies of me being the sole legal and physical guardian of a child, with unlimited visitation from them. The thought of having a dad(s) to love is so darned tempting and I would never want to deny a child of that right. However, their offer was quickly amended to want to have their name on the birth certificate, to maintain legal rights "for insurance reasons" and to be consulted on major decisions. They even want to sleep at my house during those first infant months to help out with feedings etc. So nothing has changed at all. I mean, the conversation included such statements/questions as "we wouldn't be happy being just Disney Dads; I mean, you wouldn't want us to be just Disney Dads, would you?" My answer was "uh, yes, that is exactly what I want". So we see where this is headed, which is nowhere good. I am going to have to break up with them again, this time for good, and man am I dreading it.

So moving on, I am having dinner tonight with Airplane Baby Daddy (ABD?). I have only met him once, and for only half an hour, so I have no idea of what his expectations are, but I will find out in about 2 hours. Trying not to get too excited or scared. There is only a potential human life on the line, after all.