I Don't Want A Soap Opera, I Just Want a Bambino

My trip to SF resulted in a BFN (Big Fat Negative for you newbies). I decided to do a second "natural" try (ie Booty Call Revisited), and am in my 2 week wait for the results of that one.  The last BFN barely bothered me at all, I am just so freaking used to it now.

Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby.  The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun.  It's the aftermath that's murky.  Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious.  We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to.  I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook.  That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still.  Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch.  But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.

I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.

On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn.  But now I am starting to re-think the plan.  I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds.  However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada.  Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger.  If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all.  I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it. 

I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work.  I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money.  If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll.  But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.

BFN

Devastated.

Who is to blame? (Don't answer)

Geez, I really don't want this blog to become the most depressing place on earth.....but unfortunately I don't have good news to share.

I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.

I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.

Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.

I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.

Huh

OK, I SWORE that I was not going to become one of these people who become obsessed with her medical stats and speaks in sentences like "During my ttc I was hoping for a BFP but when AF arrived my HPT was BFN". Like, HUH?! What the hell.

But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.

As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:

My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.

First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.

So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.

So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!

So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.

Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!

Big Fat Negative

Well, 14 days waiting, 2 pregnancy tests down, and 1 result - negative.

I know, it would have been way too easy for me to get pregnant on the first try. But still.

I was supposed to wait until this morning to take the test - but as of last night I couldn't wait any longer, so I took the test right before bed and it was negative. Then I somehow convinced myself that results are not accurate unless taken today. Even the directions on the package said that if you are taking the test before your missed period, you should take it first thing in the morning. So, I went to bed and forced myself not to pee until I was able to get up, get dressed, feed and walk the dog, drive to Rite Aid, buy a test, and drive to work. Not fun! And of course, I got here, took the test and got the same result.

I am going to keep my head up, talk to my doctor (or more likely, his nurse) today and get ready to try again.

But there is only 1 vial of sperm left from APD, so this could be my last chance unless I am able to convince him to continue donating.

I'm going to have to get serious about taking out a loan.

But first I'm gonna drink a big fat cup of caffeinated tea. And maybe eat a candy bar or two.