Here We Go

Today was my first insemination!

It has been a roller coaster of a month. First I switched fertility clinics. I probably chose the wrong one (a huge, impersonal "factory" in Beverly Hills) but once I was in the door there was no turning back. That's when I found out how truly expensive this was going to be. Then, the day he was due to come to Los Angeles to donate his specimen, my Donor backed out. Like, completely. I am proud that there were barely any tears on my end, but I will admit to a guilt email and phone call to encourage him to reconsider. Then there were talks with lawyers and new agreements to draft. Then my donor came back on board (hallelujah!) and we signed the agreement. Then fertility meds. Then shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and pillls to take and a shot to trigger ovulation. Then insemination days. Today and tomorrow.

Today I was up at the crack of dawn to get myself to the clinic by 7am, and on the way there I was having all sorts of doubts and fears about going through with it. But at the ultrasound, the technician told me I have two juicy follicles ready to go, and I got a huge smile on my face!

The whole experience has been surreal. I can't even let myself think about actually being pregnant and having a baby for fear that this cycle won't "take" or if it does take, fear of a miscarriage. But then once in a while a thought creeps through and I get super giddy and excited about the possibility. Then there are the obligatory "what the hell am I thinking" moments? I would say I vascillate all day long, every day, between joy, anxiety, stress, fear and hope. The way I figure it, if there is more joy and hope than anxiety, stress and fear, then I am coming out ahead.

Mostly, though, I am exhausted. I know, I know, this is only the beginning of the exhaustion if this all works out. But let me tell you, it is only my first cycle and my life has been turned upside down by all the early morning appointments, drug protocols, financial issues etc. I don't know how people do this for multiple cycles, trying for month after month or year after year, with each procedure more invasive and expensive than the last. I know that for me, I probably won't be able to afford another cycle. I will have to wait it out and see how I feel in 2 weeks. It really is emotionally and physically quite taxing.

It's funny because for the most part I have grieved the loss of the nuclear family, and I am comfortable with the idea of raising a child on my own. But when I go to the clinic and I see all the married women with their husbands, I get those jealousy pangs again. Frankly, though, I also get jealous when a married woman shows up with her mom or her sister, since I don't have those, either. So, I suppose I will just have to get used to it, because I really want to have a baby and I know that this is pretty much my only chance.

But no pressure or anything.