My trip to SF resulted in a BFN (Big Fat Negative for you newbies). I decided to do a second "natural" try (ie Booty Call Revisited), and am in my 2 week wait for the results of that one. The last BFN barely bothered me at all, I am just so freaking used to it now.
Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby. The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun. It's the aftermath that's murky. Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious. We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to. I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook. That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still. Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch. But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.
I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.
On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn. But now I am starting to re-think the plan. I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds. However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada. Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger. If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all. I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it.
I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work. I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money. If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll. But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
IVF
I've decided that this whole IVF process is kind of a big mind-fuck. The last time I thought something was a mind-fuck was the California Bar Exam. That one was truly a mind-fuck. Maybe IVF is a mini-mind-fuck. I dunno.
The process can be brutal. Luckily (or not, depending on your perspective), medically I have been through a lot worse. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a blood disease callped TTP, which is a rare side effect of e-coli poisening. I lived on the brink in the ICU at a San Francisco hospital for 39 days, with daily bouts of plasmapheresis, dialysis, blood transfusions, chemo and all sorts of other crazy and invasive things. I'm not going to dwell on that whole experience now (save that uplifting story for another day!), but I will say that it made the IVF process, which many consider absolutely horrifyingly invasive, to be, well, not quite as horrifying.
That's not to say it didn't stress me out majorly though. The multiple early morning doctor's appointments, ultrasounds and bloodwork didn't really bother me. There were only two really terrible parts, the shots and the financial worries. But let me walk a beginner through the process:
THE SHOTS: After I had the aforementioned (in previous blog) cysts removed, they started me on teh shots. Oh the shots. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks because of the stress of giving myself the shots. At night I knew that I had to wake up in the morning at a specific time to give myself a specific shot, and there was nobody around to make sure that I didn't (a) screw it up or (b) chicken out. Well, my dog was there, and he watched with a timid curiosity, but he certainly didn't tell me if I was using the wrong needle gage or mixing my meds improperly. His role was purely cuteness support (which, by the way, cannot be underestimated).
Anyhoo, the shots really sucked. By the end I had bruises on my belly and both thighs. I was obsessed with the chart that my doctor provided to me (updated at each visit) with instructions on which meds to give myself each day. At one point I was injecting myself with four separate shots per day, plus giving myself estrogen patches, multivitamins and various other assorted hormonal thingies. Some of the meds had to be refrigerated, and others didn't. Some meds came prepackaged with needles and syringes, and others had to be put together by hand. For an English major with a fear of needles, this was not fun. My hands shook every time. I fucked up a couple of times but mostly I was able to do it. I was even a little proud of myself for the accomplishment of getting through each round.
THE APPOINTMENTS: So I went in for early morning (pre-work) ultrasounds and bloodwork every two days until I had enough mature follicles to remove. To no surprise to anyone, my follicles did not grow as quickly as the doctor would have liked, so I ended up having to take several extra days of the damn shots, and still only had 3-4 potentially decent follicles. When they finally said I was ready to go, I gave myself one last shot (HCG, to trigger ovulation), then the shots were thankfully done for the cycle. 35 hours later, I went in for the egg retrieval.
ACUPUNCTURE: In addition, I was seeing my acupuncturist once a week. I know so many people who swear by it, but I have to say I did not enjoy it. Who the hell likes to know they have needles sticking out of them all over their body? What if there was an earthquake, or I had an anxiety attack and had to puke? I definitely didn't like the feeling of being trapped on that table by myself. I did it weekly for about 2 months but then I ran out of money so it has to be the first thing to go.
FINANCES: The other stressor, which I have discussed on this blog at length, was the financial commitment. That stressor will be here long after the 2WW is over and will haunt me for years no matter what the outcome. I try not to think about it too much because at this point the credit cards have been charged and there is nothing I can do about it. I do work freelance so my temp job could end any day, and my minimum payment on my Amex is way more than I'll be able to pay this month....but honestly at this point there is simply nothing I can do other than not spend money on anything but pure necessities (though I do have plans to go to the movies tonight and tomorrow night, for the first time in MANY months - I already feel guilty but the plans are made and I can't flake on my friends). The truth is, I did the best I could by shopping around extensively for meds online - I have a 3 page spreadsheet with all the different IVF med pharmacies and the breakdown costs of each med. I even was able to get some of the meds donated. Believe me, I spent over a month researching and scraping to get the best deals and a few breaks. So I know I tried my hardest to save. Unfortuantely the tab was still well over $16k just for the IVF (well over $30k spent total in the past year).
SURGERIES: Moving along from the money woes. There were 3 major procedures involved in the process. The first was the cyst aspiration surgery which I mentioned in the last post. Other than the nerves the night before, it went very smooth and I am thankful for that! The second was the egg retrieval, which is a very similar procedure as the cyst aspiration. That one went OK as well, though I only had 3 mature eggs, which is an extremely low number. Most people have 10 or more. I think another clinic would have canceled the IVF and turned it into an IUI. The procedure itself took about 20 minutes, and I was totally out (thank you anasthesia!). I am actually kind of glad I had to have the first surgery, so I knew exactly what to expect for the egg retrival. Thankfully I recovered from both surgeries very quickly and was back to work the next day.
FERTILIZATION and EMBRYO TRANSFER: The day of the egg retrieval is also the same day as the fertilization attempt. So my baby daddy flew down to LA and gave a fresh sample that day. he also drove me to and from the clinic that day. The nurse in the recovery room said to me "he is so good looking!" which I thought was very cute.
The day after the egg retrieval my doctor called to tell me that 2 of the 3 eggs fertilized. The day after that, he called to tell me that both were dividing. We (he) decided to do a 3-day transfer (as opposed to a 5-day transfer which they would have done had there been more embryos). So on Day 3 after the egg retrieval I went in for the embryo transfer. I found out that day that one of the two was dividing more slowly than they would like to see, so it was up to me if I wanted it transfered. There is a risk that it could implant and form an abnormal embryo. In my mind I figured that if it wasn't dividing properly, it just wouldn't implant and would go away. So I took the risk and implanted both embryos. I have a picture of both sitting on my bedside table at home - what gorgeous looking cells they are!
EMBRYO TRANSFER: They give you 2 valium so that your uterus is relaxed for the transfer. At first I thought it wasn't working then next thing you know I was konked out. I was awake for the procedure (which was remarkably like an IUI except that they use ultrasound to guide where exactly to place the embryos). Easy and quick.
BED REST: After I got home I was ordered 3 days of bed rest. I was nervous about the bed rest but it honestly was a lovely break for me from all the stress of everything over the past months. I had essentially a craft service table set up next to my bed so that everything (snacks, meds, books, dvds, computers, tv, remote) were within arms reach. I had visitors. I slept a lot. My dog stayed with a friend so I literally had no responsibilities except to rest. I have to say, I really loved it. I don't think I realized quite how exhausted I was both mentally and physically from all the hormones, shots, appointments, procedures and money woes, until I forced myself to just sleep it all off.
2WW: So now I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I think this is where the mind-fuck comes in. I've been told not to exercise, so I am trying to limit my dog-walking and commute-walking to very short and slow periods. I can feel the weight piling on. My clothes don't fit. And then I get angry that this could all be for nothing. If after the 2 weeks I am not pregnant, then not only will I be saddled with 5-10 extra pounds, but I will still be broke and majorly in debt. But I try not to dwell on it because stress is not supposed to be good. My acupuncturist told me to eat the core of a pineapple to help implantation, which I did - but she also told me that those chinese herbs were "magic" and that was totally bogus, so I take it with a grain of salt.
My birthday is coming up in a few days (41, don't get me started) but I will still be in my 2ww then. I don't know if that is good or bad. Part of me just wants to KNOW one way or the other, but part of me is dreading a negative outcome. I think I have handled the other negative outcomes OK, but there is so much more at stake with this one, and I don't know how I will react. Either way I will be reminded for many years with each credit card statement.
It has been a trip to say the least. I can't wrap my mind around what will happen next. If it doesn't work, I HAVE to find a way to try again. But I just don't see how I can do it. If it does work, well, let's just wait to even think about the consequences of that.
Mean time, I am thankful every day for my adorable dog who brings a smile to my face every time I look at him. There would be a lot less smiles without his gorgeous little presence in my life.
The process can be brutal. Luckily (or not, depending on your perspective), medically I have been through a lot worse. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a blood disease callped TTP, which is a rare side effect of e-coli poisening. I lived on the brink in the ICU at a San Francisco hospital for 39 days, with daily bouts of plasmapheresis, dialysis, blood transfusions, chemo and all sorts of other crazy and invasive things. I'm not going to dwell on that whole experience now (save that uplifting story for another day!), but I will say that it made the IVF process, which many consider absolutely horrifyingly invasive, to be, well, not quite as horrifying.
That's not to say it didn't stress me out majorly though. The multiple early morning doctor's appointments, ultrasounds and bloodwork didn't really bother me. There were only two really terrible parts, the shots and the financial worries. But let me walk a beginner through the process:
THE SHOTS: After I had the aforementioned (in previous blog) cysts removed, they started me on teh shots. Oh the shots. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks because of the stress of giving myself the shots. At night I knew that I had to wake up in the morning at a specific time to give myself a specific shot, and there was nobody around to make sure that I didn't (a) screw it up or (b) chicken out. Well, my dog was there, and he watched with a timid curiosity, but he certainly didn't tell me if I was using the wrong needle gage or mixing my meds improperly. His role was purely cuteness support (which, by the way, cannot be underestimated).
Anyhoo, the shots really sucked. By the end I had bruises on my belly and both thighs. I was obsessed with the chart that my doctor provided to me (updated at each visit) with instructions on which meds to give myself each day. At one point I was injecting myself with four separate shots per day, plus giving myself estrogen patches, multivitamins and various other assorted hormonal thingies. Some of the meds had to be refrigerated, and others didn't. Some meds came prepackaged with needles and syringes, and others had to be put together by hand. For an English major with a fear of needles, this was not fun. My hands shook every time. I fucked up a couple of times but mostly I was able to do it. I was even a little proud of myself for the accomplishment of getting through each round.
THE APPOINTMENTS: So I went in for early morning (pre-work) ultrasounds and bloodwork every two days until I had enough mature follicles to remove. To no surprise to anyone, my follicles did not grow as quickly as the doctor would have liked, so I ended up having to take several extra days of the damn shots, and still only had 3-4 potentially decent follicles. When they finally said I was ready to go, I gave myself one last shot (HCG, to trigger ovulation), then the shots were thankfully done for the cycle. 35 hours later, I went in for the egg retrieval.
ACUPUNCTURE: In addition, I was seeing my acupuncturist once a week. I know so many people who swear by it, but I have to say I did not enjoy it. Who the hell likes to know they have needles sticking out of them all over their body? What if there was an earthquake, or I had an anxiety attack and had to puke? I definitely didn't like the feeling of being trapped on that table by myself. I did it weekly for about 2 months but then I ran out of money so it has to be the first thing to go.
FINANCES: The other stressor, which I have discussed on this blog at length, was the financial commitment. That stressor will be here long after the 2WW is over and will haunt me for years no matter what the outcome. I try not to think about it too much because at this point the credit cards have been charged and there is nothing I can do about it. I do work freelance so my temp job could end any day, and my minimum payment on my Amex is way more than I'll be able to pay this month....but honestly at this point there is simply nothing I can do other than not spend money on anything but pure necessities (though I do have plans to go to the movies tonight and tomorrow night, for the first time in MANY months - I already feel guilty but the plans are made and I can't flake on my friends). The truth is, I did the best I could by shopping around extensively for meds online - I have a 3 page spreadsheet with all the different IVF med pharmacies and the breakdown costs of each med. I even was able to get some of the meds donated. Believe me, I spent over a month researching and scraping to get the best deals and a few breaks. So I know I tried my hardest to save. Unfortuantely the tab was still well over $16k just for the IVF (well over $30k spent total in the past year).
SURGERIES: Moving along from the money woes. There were 3 major procedures involved in the process. The first was the cyst aspiration surgery which I mentioned in the last post. Other than the nerves the night before, it went very smooth and I am thankful for that! The second was the egg retrieval, which is a very similar procedure as the cyst aspiration. That one went OK as well, though I only had 3 mature eggs, which is an extremely low number. Most people have 10 or more. I think another clinic would have canceled the IVF and turned it into an IUI. The procedure itself took about 20 minutes, and I was totally out (thank you anasthesia!). I am actually kind of glad I had to have the first surgery, so I knew exactly what to expect for the egg retrival. Thankfully I recovered from both surgeries very quickly and was back to work the next day.
FERTILIZATION and EMBRYO TRANSFER: The day of the egg retrieval is also the same day as the fertilization attempt. So my baby daddy flew down to LA and gave a fresh sample that day. he also drove me to and from the clinic that day. The nurse in the recovery room said to me "he is so good looking!" which I thought was very cute.
The day after the egg retrieval my doctor called to tell me that 2 of the 3 eggs fertilized. The day after that, he called to tell me that both were dividing. We (he) decided to do a 3-day transfer (as opposed to a 5-day transfer which they would have done had there been more embryos). So on Day 3 after the egg retrieval I went in for the embryo transfer. I found out that day that one of the two was dividing more slowly than they would like to see, so it was up to me if I wanted it transfered. There is a risk that it could implant and form an abnormal embryo. In my mind I figured that if it wasn't dividing properly, it just wouldn't implant and would go away. So I took the risk and implanted both embryos. I have a picture of both sitting on my bedside table at home - what gorgeous looking cells they are!
EMBRYO TRANSFER: They give you 2 valium so that your uterus is relaxed for the transfer. At first I thought it wasn't working then next thing you know I was konked out. I was awake for the procedure (which was remarkably like an IUI except that they use ultrasound to guide where exactly to place the embryos). Easy and quick.
BED REST: After I got home I was ordered 3 days of bed rest. I was nervous about the bed rest but it honestly was a lovely break for me from all the stress of everything over the past months. I had essentially a craft service table set up next to my bed so that everything (snacks, meds, books, dvds, computers, tv, remote) were within arms reach. I had visitors. I slept a lot. My dog stayed with a friend so I literally had no responsibilities except to rest. I have to say, I really loved it. I don't think I realized quite how exhausted I was both mentally and physically from all the hormones, shots, appointments, procedures and money woes, until I forced myself to just sleep it all off.
2WW: So now I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I think this is where the mind-fuck comes in. I've been told not to exercise, so I am trying to limit my dog-walking and commute-walking to very short and slow periods. I can feel the weight piling on. My clothes don't fit. And then I get angry that this could all be for nothing. If after the 2 weeks I am not pregnant, then not only will I be saddled with 5-10 extra pounds, but I will still be broke and majorly in debt. But I try not to dwell on it because stress is not supposed to be good. My acupuncturist told me to eat the core of a pineapple to help implantation, which I did - but she also told me that those chinese herbs were "magic" and that was totally bogus, so I take it with a grain of salt.
My birthday is coming up in a few days (41, don't get me started) but I will still be in my 2ww then. I don't know if that is good or bad. Part of me just wants to KNOW one way or the other, but part of me is dreading a negative outcome. I think I have handled the other negative outcomes OK, but there is so much more at stake with this one, and I don't know how I will react. Either way I will be reminded for many years with each credit card statement.
It has been a trip to say the least. I can't wrap my mind around what will happen next. If it doesn't work, I HAVE to find a way to try again. But I just don't see how I can do it. If it does work, well, let's just wait to even think about the consequences of that.
Mean time, I am thankful every day for my adorable dog who brings a smile to my face every time I look at him. There would be a lot less smiles without his gorgeous little presence in my life.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
It's no surprise but I did NOT get pregnant from my crazy last minute trip to San Francisco. It was worth a try to be able to save money on IVF. Oh well, IVF here we come.
Speaking of IVF, I was about to begin when they found yet ANOTHER cyst. The doctor put me on birth control pills for 10 days since they normally go away on their own. At the same time, my acupuncturist put me back on heavy duty doses of her "magic" chinese herbs and restricted my diet considerably (no sweets, no dairy - yikes!). I did as I was told, and dutifully took all my meds and herbs for 10 days, went in for 2 acupuncture sessions, drank only green tea, and cooked all my own (healthy) meals.
Guess what? My body decided to say "EFF YOU" to me, the acupuncture, the herbs and birth control pills. Not only did it continue to grow my cyst, but it went ahead and created a new one as well.
Long story short, my doctor is going to surgically aspirate the cysts in a couple of days, at which time I will begin the IVF cycle.
I was so bummed when I found this out this morning that I started crying at my doctor's office. I'm not worried about the procedure - it is minor -- but it is going to cost me an additional $2000. I am moving heaven and earth to try to make this happen but at the same time my debt is mounting up and my body just won't give me a freaking break.
Speaking of money, I went to this company that my doctor told me to call, called MedLoan Finance, for a loan. Their website is pretty darned vague about how the process works, what their fees are etc., so I called them for clarification and they were like "It's easy! you fill out an application and we make a decision within 24 hours, then you have 60 days to accept." LIES. I filled out the application, and the next day found out that I had been tentatively approved for 2 credit cards, which were being sent to me in the mail, and that I owed them a ton of money for providing me this "service". What a scam. I looked at the fine print on the signature page of my application, and it does say (among a litany of other things) that I authorize them to send my information to credit card companies - but it doesn't say that anywhere on their website and they didn't mention it to me on the phone. They started calling me every day to collect their fee and I told them I wasn't ready to accept...but they said the cards had already been mailed to me. Wow, that is so shady. I mean, if I knew they were going to just apply for credit cards, I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF FOR NO FEE!!!! I really thought they were a legitimate loan company who finances loans for people who have medical bills. When I spoke to the credit card companies, they had all my info wrong and had never even heard of this other company.
By the way, they went ahead and took the fee without me authorizing it!!! I feel like I have been majorly scammed and I plan to let my doctor's office know about it!
This whole process is just fraught with pitfalls at every step. And now the fun really begins.
All I want is a little bambino or bambina to love and raise and take care of. Why does it have to be so hard???
Speaking of IVF, I was about to begin when they found yet ANOTHER cyst. The doctor put me on birth control pills for 10 days since they normally go away on their own. At the same time, my acupuncturist put me back on heavy duty doses of her "magic" chinese herbs and restricted my diet considerably (no sweets, no dairy - yikes!). I did as I was told, and dutifully took all my meds and herbs for 10 days, went in for 2 acupuncture sessions, drank only green tea, and cooked all my own (healthy) meals.
Guess what? My body decided to say "EFF YOU" to me, the acupuncture, the herbs and birth control pills. Not only did it continue to grow my cyst, but it went ahead and created a new one as well.
Long story short, my doctor is going to surgically aspirate the cysts in a couple of days, at which time I will begin the IVF cycle.
I was so bummed when I found this out this morning that I started crying at my doctor's office. I'm not worried about the procedure - it is minor -- but it is going to cost me an additional $2000. I am moving heaven and earth to try to make this happen but at the same time my debt is mounting up and my body just won't give me a freaking break.
Speaking of money, I went to this company that my doctor told me to call, called MedLoan Finance, for a loan. Their website is pretty darned vague about how the process works, what their fees are etc., so I called them for clarification and they were like "It's easy! you fill out an application and we make a decision within 24 hours, then you have 60 days to accept." LIES. I filled out the application, and the next day found out that I had been tentatively approved for 2 credit cards, which were being sent to me in the mail, and that I owed them a ton of money for providing me this "service". What a scam. I looked at the fine print on the signature page of my application, and it does say (among a litany of other things) that I authorize them to send my information to credit card companies - but it doesn't say that anywhere on their website and they didn't mention it to me on the phone. They started calling me every day to collect their fee and I told them I wasn't ready to accept...but they said the cards had already been mailed to me. Wow, that is so shady. I mean, if I knew they were going to just apply for credit cards, I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF FOR NO FEE!!!! I really thought they were a legitimate loan company who finances loans for people who have medical bills. When I spoke to the credit card companies, they had all my info wrong and had never even heard of this other company.
By the way, they went ahead and took the fee without me authorizing it!!! I feel like I have been majorly scammed and I plan to let my doctor's office know about it!
This whole process is just fraught with pitfalls at every step. And now the fun really begins.
All I want is a little bambino or bambina to love and raise and take care of. Why does it have to be so hard???
Sunday, February 13, 2011
If the TTC journey is filled with ups and downs, I'm definitely in a down.
I have to admit, things are not so good right now.
I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.
But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.
So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.
Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).
I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.
And that's when everything fell apart.
She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).
Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.
Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.
So basically, I'm a mess.
I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.
As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.
And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.
I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.
But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.
So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.
Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).
I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.
And that's when everything fell apart.
She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).
Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.
Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.
So basically, I'm a mess.
I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.
As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.
And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Well, it only took 8 months but I am finally just about finished with all the testing. Had the HSG and ultrasound last week - looks good and only cost over $1,000 (yikes!). Next week is the progesterone test. Of course, because my original blood tests were 8 months ago, I have to re-do them to make sure the numbers still look good.
I'm in the process of drafting an agreement for Airplane Baby Daddy and I to sign. I also hired a private investigator to do a little digging (to make sure he's not some crazy criminal). I also broke up with Alpha and Beta (by email, which I admit was a total chickenshit move, but I just couldn't bare to do it in person).
Overall, things are moving forward.
The biggest stressers are (a) finances and (b) my dad.
I am currently working very inconsistently. The job market is bad and although I am looking for something longer term and more stable, the reality is that I will probably still be a freelancer when (if) I get pregnant. Of course, once pregnant my chances of getting a full time salaried job are nil. And of course, I may have mentioned that my insurance covers NONE of these fertility tests or treatment. Zilch. I'm on my own there. So, my credit card debt is rising and my income is zero at the moment, and this is obviously hugely stressful for me. I have already spent close to two thousand bucks on tests and dr appointments, and I haven't even started TRYING to conceive yet. I am trying to stay calm, and tell myself that these things are necessary and I CANNOT wait another year to get myself financially stable. People keep telling me that there is never an ideal time to have a baby, even under the best of circumstances, and that I just have to go for it and it will work itself out. I know that I have the earning potential, I just haven't realized that potential yet. Hopefully it's not too late for me (earning potential wise and baby-making wise).
A few months ago I told my Dad my plans and it did not go well. I won't get into the specifics because he is sensitive about me posting any private information on the web. I will say that it is an ongoing stresser for me and I wish things were better in that area.
I have kind of worked myself into a tizzy over all the fears and stresses....but then I also have moments of excitement that make me realize it is the right decision for me. I can't wait to take my child to the farmers market and let him or her taste a plum for the first time. It's the little moments that give me the most encouragement. I know that I can enrich a child's life and raise a good human being. I just hope to be given the chance.
I'm in the process of drafting an agreement for Airplane Baby Daddy and I to sign. I also hired a private investigator to do a little digging (to make sure he's not some crazy criminal). I also broke up with Alpha and Beta (by email, which I admit was a total chickenshit move, but I just couldn't bare to do it in person).
Overall, things are moving forward.
The biggest stressers are (a) finances and (b) my dad.
I am currently working very inconsistently. The job market is bad and although I am looking for something longer term and more stable, the reality is that I will probably still be a freelancer when (if) I get pregnant. Of course, once pregnant my chances of getting a full time salaried job are nil. And of course, I may have mentioned that my insurance covers NONE of these fertility tests or treatment. Zilch. I'm on my own there. So, my credit card debt is rising and my income is zero at the moment, and this is obviously hugely stressful for me. I have already spent close to two thousand bucks on tests and dr appointments, and I haven't even started TRYING to conceive yet. I am trying to stay calm, and tell myself that these things are necessary and I CANNOT wait another year to get myself financially stable. People keep telling me that there is never an ideal time to have a baby, even under the best of circumstances, and that I just have to go for it and it will work itself out. I know that I have the earning potential, I just haven't realized that potential yet. Hopefully it's not too late for me (earning potential wise and baby-making wise).
A few months ago I told my Dad my plans and it did not go well. I won't get into the specifics because he is sensitive about me posting any private information on the web. I will say that it is an ongoing stresser for me and I wish things were better in that area.
I have kind of worked myself into a tizzy over all the fears and stresses....but then I also have moments of excitement that make me realize it is the right decision for me. I can't wait to take my child to the farmers market and let him or her taste a plum for the first time. It's the little moments that give me the most encouragement. I know that I can enrich a child's life and raise a good human being. I just hope to be given the chance.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)