Fake Out or Flip Out or Nod Out? 11dp6dt

Since my last post I went through another round of IVF with my own eggs.  I re-tested my hormone levels and they were much better (still not "normal" but not nearly as psychotic as before).  Inhibin B was 46 (should be greater than 45), FSH was 11 (should be below 10, but this is obviously way better than 17), and my antral follicle count was 12, which is higher than it has ever been before.  My doctor told me that egg donation still gives me the best chance but if I were his wife he would have her go for it based on my AFC.  He called it a hunch and I started injectibles that day. 

I produced 5 eggs - 1 excellent quality, 2 good quality and 2 poor.  The first 3 fertilized. Egg #4 (the poor one) developed a polar body on Day 2 so we fertilized it as well, and it divided.  In the end, 1 egg made it to blastocyst on Day 6 and poor old #4 made it to Day 5.  The others didn't make it.  We implanted #s 1 and 4 11 days ago.  I go in for my beta tomorrow.

I am totally flipped out.  Last Friday I started having the kind of cramping I get when my period was about to start, and I spent the night a weepy mess, thinking it was all over. Then over the weekend I started to convince myself that the continued cramping could be a positive sign, not a negative one (based on some very unscientific internet research).  My boobs are also super tender but that could be a result of the progesterone and/or estrogen I'm on.  Basically my "symptoms" are faking me out. 

When I was in summer camp growing up, our Olympic Games always came on the 8th week of camp. We knew within a few days when it would start - but the counselors almost always staged at least one Fake Out before the real Break Out.  We were all on pins and needles for days, not knowing if this would be the day it all started, or if we would just get all excited for no reason. 

This sort of feels like that.  Except that I couldn't play sports and wasn't competitve, so I actually preferred the Fake Outs to the Breakouts, since I preferred regular camp life to Olympic Camp Life.

Ironic, huh.

I am just so terrified of bad news tomorrow.  I have let my guard down a bit and gotten my hopes up that these symptoms mean I could be pregnant.  I have even started to fantasize about telling people around Christmastime.  I normally don't even let myself go there.  These symptoms have really messed with my head this time around.

If it's bad news I will need to seriously face the music that it is over.  I don't know how I"m going to process it.  I do know that I will need to get back in shape and get more serious about moving my career along.  I'm going to have to make those 2 things my top priority, and put baby making on a backburner or maybe even pack it away forever.  I'm so not ready to do that, but I am out of money and there really is no other way to keep trying, unless I go back to trying the old-fashioned way with Mr. D.  Maybe I'll do that.  My doctor tells me there's a less than 1% chance but I suppose it's better than zero percent.

I'm just really scared. I can't think straight. I had what almost amounted to an anxiety attack today at work.  I can't concentrate. I just keep playing computer games to try to stay busy, since I know that productivity is gone until at least Thursday. 

I'm wondering if I should take tomorrow afternoon off if I get bad news.  Maybe take a drive out to the beach with my dog, or go on a long hike. But I know I won't do it.  I'll probably just sit in my office and cry, feel sorry for myself and sulk.

But I write all of this and I still hope, I pray, I wish, I BEG, for the news to be positive. 

I know I could have tested at home starting several days ago, but I just don't want to be the bearer of my own bad news.

I just don't know how many defeats I can face.

I Don't Want A Soap Opera, I Just Want a Bambino

My trip to SF resulted in a BFN (Big Fat Negative for you newbies). I decided to do a second "natural" try (ie Booty Call Revisited), and am in my 2 week wait for the results of that one.  The last BFN barely bothered me at all, I am just so freaking used to it now.

Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby.  The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun.  It's the aftermath that's murky.  Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious.  We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to.  I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook.  That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still.  Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch.  But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.

I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.

On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn.  But now I am starting to re-think the plan.  I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds.  However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada.  Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger.  If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all.  I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it. 

I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work.  I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money.  If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll.  But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.

Waiting

They warned me that the two week wait (2WW) would be tough. But yikes, it is really tough!

Luckily I am working 7 days a week during the entire 2 weeks, so I am distracted quite a bit. Still, everytime I feel any sort of twitch in my body, I wonder. If I feel "normal" I think well, it must have failed. I notice every twitch, every possible symptom. I am trying so hard not to psych myself up for good news, but it is so hard. I am so tempted to start looking into baby names and good birthing hospitals and prices for doulas. I have thought about who I will tell during those first critical weeks (but who am I kidding, I probably won't be able to keep it secret from anyone who knows me at all).

But I know it's all so premature. I know that most people don't get pregnant on the first try. I know that there could be huge disappointment coming my way. But there is nothing I can do about it for another 8 days. So, I'm trying to relax and go on with my life as normal. Whatever that is!

I am also dangerously low on cash. I honestly don't know how I will come up with money for additional cycles. There are loan options out there that I will need to start looking into. Also, I am planning on moving to a new fertility clinic, one that treats me like a person and not a number, and one that doesn't charge me a fortune every time my Donor wants to donate. I've been really unhappy with my clinic; however, if I get pregnant on try #1 I will put it all behind me and give them only a raving review! But, one thing at a time.

I'm also looking for a higher paying job, hopefully combining my entertainment and attorney experience. I used to really want to practice entertainment law, but when I left my firm 9 years ago I swore I would never practice again. Well, that lasted for about 5 years and since then I have been switching back and forth between law firms and movie sets. Now that I am really trying to settle down and make a family, I am hoping to go back to my original plan of entertainment law. It would be a good happy medium (hopefully) for me; though I undoubtedly will miss the adrenaline rush I get from preproduction and production.

So, while I wait, I work, job hunt and catch up on my Mad Men episodes (love, love, love that show).