Time for Change

Well, IVF#2 was a big, fat, failure. 

What can I say? I have tried everything under the sun, and put my life on complete hold for two years (!) and have nothing to show for it.  In fact I have LESS than I did two years ago.  I have no car, and I'm stuck in a dead-end temp legal job. I haven't made a movie in a year and a half.  I have no savings, not even a 401(k).  I am still single and childless.

So things are pretty bleak.

I gave myself a bit of time to let it sink in, but it only made me feel worse. I haven't been talking to friends about it because when I do I realize how pathetic it all really sounds, and I don't need people feeling sorry for me or taking pity on me anymore than they already are.  Plus, talking about it just makes me sadder.

So, while I will continue to do an IUI or two when I can afford it (dr. gives that a 1-2% chance of working) and may continue to try the old fashioned way, the big guns are over for now. 

I am going to spend the rest of this year trying to turn the rest of my life around. 

I made a list of things to do to change my life:

1.  Focus on career - find an in-house legal job at a production company/studio, or find another film(s) to work on as producer/line producer. Or start my own entertainment law practice at home.
2.  Spend less time on Facebook and gossip web sites.
3.  Watch less tv.
4.  Lose 5-8 pounds, and hike at least once per week.
5.  Get finances in order - pay down credit card debt, put together a realistic budget for single life and life with baby.
6.  Get a car.
7.  Start dating again
8.  Begin therapy when I can afford it. 
9. Work on envy/jealousy issues (see therapy, above).
10.  Figure out a way to have a baby.

My goal is to make sure to do at least 1-2 of these things every day, and keep track of them.  For yesterday, I watched less television, and I got a potential new legal client for a small project.  Unfortunately I also ate a half a can of chocolate frosting for dinner, so that wasn't so good.  Baby steps. Wow, did I really just write that?  It's like I'm torturing myself.