My trip to SF resulted in a BFN (Big Fat Negative for you newbies). I decided to do a second "natural" try (ie Booty Call Revisited), and am in my 2 week wait for the results of that one. The last BFN barely bothered me at all, I am just so freaking used to it now.
Sex always complicates things, just as we all knew it would. The first time was awkward but sweet. It was pretty much all about making a baby. The second time we were both more comfortable so it was more fun. It's the aftermath that's murky. Texts and emails have gone from pure business to a bit flirtatious. We have both caught ourselves thinking about the other person in ways we never used to. I have no illusions of jumping into a relationship with him, but it feels like that strange "it's complicated" relationship status on facebook. That's so lame. My life is not facebook. But still. Then, he is coming to town this weekend for business and I told him he could stay with me. In the past he's stayed on the couch. But now what? I mean, we've seen each other naked for goodness sake, and have already done the deed, so there's that weird slippery slope where you tell yourself it's no big deal if he sleeps over in your bed. Luckily he booked himself a hotel room (so as not to presume anything) so hopefully I dodged that moral bullet.
I know that starting something with him is the worst possible idea. There are a gazillion reasons, all of which are much too obvious to detail here. I have to keep my goal in mind. My goal is bambina.
On a separate but related note, I had originally planned to go to IVF #2 if this month resulted in another bfn. But now I am starting to re-think the plan. I have one pretty small source of money left from my old lawyering days which would just about cover the procedure and meds. However, once that money is gone, there is literally NOTHING left. No rainy day money. Nada. Given that the success rate at my age is around 15%, I just feel so scared to pull the trigger. If it doesn't work (and given that in a year I have never even had a positive pregnancy test, the chances are that it won't work), then I literally have no safety net at all. I know that I am just about out of time, and need to make a decision, but I just can't seem to do it.
I do feel that at some point I will try IVF #2, and should start thinking about my life if that doesn't work. I'll have nothing left to try again. Emotionally it is rough but for me the biggest obstacle is the money. If I had the money, I would try IVF every month for the next 2 years, no matter the physical and emotional toll. But obviously that's not an option, so I have to just decide when/if to give it my last shot.
1 comment:
I have been reading your blogs for awhile now....I am really hoping and wishing the best for you! I have always heard, as soon as you let it all go, relax and just be....that's when it happens! Sounds like you have the opportunity to do things 'the old fashioned way' , perhaps when that is no longer an option.....then the IVF? Hugs and best wishes to you my fellow mama want to be :) !
Andrea
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