OK, I SWORE that I was not going to become one of these people who become obsessed with her medical stats and speaks in sentences like "During my ttc I was hoping for a BFP but when AF arrived my HPT was BFN". Like, HUH?! What the hell.
But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.
As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:
My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.
First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.
So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.
So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!
So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.
Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Big Fat Negative
Well, 14 days waiting, 2 pregnancy tests down, and 1 result - negative.
I know, it would have been way too easy for me to get pregnant on the first try. But still.
I was supposed to wait until this morning to take the test - but as of last night I couldn't wait any longer, so I took the test right before bed and it was negative. Then I somehow convinced myself that results are not accurate unless taken today. Even the directions on the package said that if you are taking the test before your missed period, you should take it first thing in the morning. So, I went to bed and forced myself not to pee until I was able to get up, get dressed, feed and walk the dog, drive to Rite Aid, buy a test, and drive to work. Not fun! And of course, I got here, took the test and got the same result.
I am going to keep my head up, talk to my doctor (or more likely, his nurse) today and get ready to try again.
But there is only 1 vial of sperm left from APD, so this could be my last chance unless I am able to convince him to continue donating.
I'm going to have to get serious about taking out a loan.
But first I'm gonna drink a big fat cup of caffeinated tea. And maybe eat a candy bar or two.
I know, it would have been way too easy for me to get pregnant on the first try. But still.
I was supposed to wait until this morning to take the test - but as of last night I couldn't wait any longer, so I took the test right before bed and it was negative. Then I somehow convinced myself that results are not accurate unless taken today. Even the directions on the package said that if you are taking the test before your missed period, you should take it first thing in the morning. So, I went to bed and forced myself not to pee until I was able to get up, get dressed, feed and walk the dog, drive to Rite Aid, buy a test, and drive to work. Not fun! And of course, I got here, took the test and got the same result.
I am going to keep my head up, talk to my doctor (or more likely, his nurse) today and get ready to try again.
But there is only 1 vial of sperm left from APD, so this could be my last chance unless I am able to convince him to continue donating.
I'm going to have to get serious about taking out a loan.
But first I'm gonna drink a big fat cup of caffeinated tea. And maybe eat a candy bar or two.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Waiting
They warned me that the two week wait (2WW) would be tough. But yikes, it is really tough!
Luckily I am working 7 days a week during the entire 2 weeks, so I am distracted quite a bit. Still, everytime I feel any sort of twitch in my body, I wonder. If I feel "normal" I think well, it must have failed. I notice every twitch, every possible symptom. I am trying so hard not to psych myself up for good news, but it is so hard. I am so tempted to start looking into baby names and good birthing hospitals and prices for doulas. I have thought about who I will tell during those first critical weeks (but who am I kidding, I probably won't be able to keep it secret from anyone who knows me at all).
But I know it's all so premature. I know that most people don't get pregnant on the first try. I know that there could be huge disappointment coming my way. But there is nothing I can do about it for another 8 days. So, I'm trying to relax and go on with my life as normal. Whatever that is!
I am also dangerously low on cash. I honestly don't know how I will come up with money for additional cycles. There are loan options out there that I will need to start looking into. Also, I am planning on moving to a new fertility clinic, one that treats me like a person and not a number, and one that doesn't charge me a fortune every time my Donor wants to donate. I've been really unhappy with my clinic; however, if I get pregnant on try #1 I will put it all behind me and give them only a raving review! But, one thing at a time.
I'm also looking for a higher paying job, hopefully combining my entertainment and attorney experience. I used to really want to practice entertainment law, but when I left my firm 9 years ago I swore I would never practice again. Well, that lasted for about 5 years and since then I have been switching back and forth between law firms and movie sets. Now that I am really trying to settle down and make a family, I am hoping to go back to my original plan of entertainment law. It would be a good happy medium (hopefully) for me; though I undoubtedly will miss the adrenaline rush I get from preproduction and production.
So, while I wait, I work, job hunt and catch up on my Mad Men episodes (love, love, love that show).
Luckily I am working 7 days a week during the entire 2 weeks, so I am distracted quite a bit. Still, everytime I feel any sort of twitch in my body, I wonder. If I feel "normal" I think well, it must have failed. I notice every twitch, every possible symptom. I am trying so hard not to psych myself up for good news, but it is so hard. I am so tempted to start looking into baby names and good birthing hospitals and prices for doulas. I have thought about who I will tell during those first critical weeks (but who am I kidding, I probably won't be able to keep it secret from anyone who knows me at all).
But I know it's all so premature. I know that most people don't get pregnant on the first try. I know that there could be huge disappointment coming my way. But there is nothing I can do about it for another 8 days. So, I'm trying to relax and go on with my life as normal. Whatever that is!
I am also dangerously low on cash. I honestly don't know how I will come up with money for additional cycles. There are loan options out there that I will need to start looking into. Also, I am planning on moving to a new fertility clinic, one that treats me like a person and not a number, and one that doesn't charge me a fortune every time my Donor wants to donate. I've been really unhappy with my clinic; however, if I get pregnant on try #1 I will put it all behind me and give them only a raving review! But, one thing at a time.
I'm also looking for a higher paying job, hopefully combining my entertainment and attorney experience. I used to really want to practice entertainment law, but when I left my firm 9 years ago I swore I would never practice again. Well, that lasted for about 5 years and since then I have been switching back and forth between law firms and movie sets. Now that I am really trying to settle down and make a family, I am hoping to go back to my original plan of entertainment law. It would be a good happy medium (hopefully) for me; though I undoubtedly will miss the adrenaline rush I get from preproduction and production.
So, while I wait, I work, job hunt and catch up on my Mad Men episodes (love, love, love that show).
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Here We Go
Today was my first insemination!
It has been a roller coaster of a month. First I switched fertility clinics. I probably chose the wrong one (a huge, impersonal "factory" in Beverly Hills) but once I was in the door there was no turning back. That's when I found out how truly expensive this was going to be. Then, the day he was due to come to Los Angeles to donate his specimen, my Donor backed out. Like, completely. I am proud that there were barely any tears on my end, but I will admit to a guilt email and phone call to encourage him to reconsider. Then there were talks with lawyers and new agreements to draft. Then my donor came back on board (hallelujah!) and we signed the agreement. Then fertility meds. Then shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and pillls to take and a shot to trigger ovulation. Then insemination days. Today and tomorrow.
Today I was up at the crack of dawn to get myself to the clinic by 7am, and on the way there I was having all sorts of doubts and fears about going through with it. But at the ultrasound, the technician told me I have two juicy follicles ready to go, and I got a huge smile on my face!
The whole experience has been surreal. I can't even let myself think about actually being pregnant and having a baby for fear that this cycle won't "take" or if it does take, fear of a miscarriage. But then once in a while a thought creeps through and I get super giddy and excited about the possibility. Then there are the obligatory "what the hell am I thinking" moments? I would say I vascillate all day long, every day, between joy, anxiety, stress, fear and hope. The way I figure it, if there is more joy and hope than anxiety, stress and fear, then I am coming out ahead.
Mostly, though, I am exhausted. I know, I know, this is only the beginning of the exhaustion if this all works out. But let me tell you, it is only my first cycle and my life has been turned upside down by all the early morning appointments, drug protocols, financial issues etc. I don't know how people do this for multiple cycles, trying for month after month or year after year, with each procedure more invasive and expensive than the last. I know that for me, I probably won't be able to afford another cycle. I will have to wait it out and see how I feel in 2 weeks. It really is emotionally and physically quite taxing.
It's funny because for the most part I have grieved the loss of the nuclear family, and I am comfortable with the idea of raising a child on my own. But when I go to the clinic and I see all the married women with their husbands, I get those jealousy pangs again. Frankly, though, I also get jealous when a married woman shows up with her mom or her sister, since I don't have those, either. So, I suppose I will just have to get used to it, because I really want to have a baby and I know that this is pretty much my only chance.
But no pressure or anything.
It has been a roller coaster of a month. First I switched fertility clinics. I probably chose the wrong one (a huge, impersonal "factory" in Beverly Hills) but once I was in the door there was no turning back. That's when I found out how truly expensive this was going to be. Then, the day he was due to come to Los Angeles to donate his specimen, my Donor backed out. Like, completely. I am proud that there were barely any tears on my end, but I will admit to a guilt email and phone call to encourage him to reconsider. Then there were talks with lawyers and new agreements to draft. Then my donor came back on board (hallelujah!) and we signed the agreement. Then fertility meds. Then shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and pillls to take and a shot to trigger ovulation. Then insemination days. Today and tomorrow.
Today I was up at the crack of dawn to get myself to the clinic by 7am, and on the way there I was having all sorts of doubts and fears about going through with it. But at the ultrasound, the technician told me I have two juicy follicles ready to go, and I got a huge smile on my face!
The whole experience has been surreal. I can't even let myself think about actually being pregnant and having a baby for fear that this cycle won't "take" or if it does take, fear of a miscarriage. But then once in a while a thought creeps through and I get super giddy and excited about the possibility. Then there are the obligatory "what the hell am I thinking" moments? I would say I vascillate all day long, every day, between joy, anxiety, stress, fear and hope. The way I figure it, if there is more joy and hope than anxiety, stress and fear, then I am coming out ahead.
Mostly, though, I am exhausted. I know, I know, this is only the beginning of the exhaustion if this all works out. But let me tell you, it is only my first cycle and my life has been turned upside down by all the early morning appointments, drug protocols, financial issues etc. I don't know how people do this for multiple cycles, trying for month after month or year after year, with each procedure more invasive and expensive than the last. I know that for me, I probably won't be able to afford another cycle. I will have to wait it out and see how I feel in 2 weeks. It really is emotionally and physically quite taxing.
It's funny because for the most part I have grieved the loss of the nuclear family, and I am comfortable with the idea of raising a child on my own. But when I go to the clinic and I see all the married women with their husbands, I get those jealousy pangs again. Frankly, though, I also get jealous when a married woman shows up with her mom or her sister, since I don't have those, either. So, I suppose I will just have to get used to it, because I really want to have a baby and I know that this is pretty much my only chance.
But no pressure or anything.
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