Huh

OK, I SWORE that I was not going to become one of these people who become obsessed with her medical stats and speaks in sentences like "During my ttc I was hoping for a BFP but when AF arrived my HPT was BFN". Like, HUH?! What the hell.

But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.

As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:

My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.

First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.

So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.

So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!

So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.

Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!

Big Fat Negative

Well, 14 days waiting, 2 pregnancy tests down, and 1 result - negative.

I know, it would have been way too easy for me to get pregnant on the first try. But still.

I was supposed to wait until this morning to take the test - but as of last night I couldn't wait any longer, so I took the test right before bed and it was negative. Then I somehow convinced myself that results are not accurate unless taken today. Even the directions on the package said that if you are taking the test before your missed period, you should take it first thing in the morning. So, I went to bed and forced myself not to pee until I was able to get up, get dressed, feed and walk the dog, drive to Rite Aid, buy a test, and drive to work. Not fun! And of course, I got here, took the test and got the same result.

I am going to keep my head up, talk to my doctor (or more likely, his nurse) today and get ready to try again.

But there is only 1 vial of sperm left from APD, so this could be my last chance unless I am able to convince him to continue donating.

I'm going to have to get serious about taking out a loan.

But first I'm gonna drink a big fat cup of caffeinated tea. And maybe eat a candy bar or two.

Waiting

They warned me that the two week wait (2WW) would be tough. But yikes, it is really tough!

Luckily I am working 7 days a week during the entire 2 weeks, so I am distracted quite a bit. Still, everytime I feel any sort of twitch in my body, I wonder. If I feel "normal" I think well, it must have failed. I notice every twitch, every possible symptom. I am trying so hard not to psych myself up for good news, but it is so hard. I am so tempted to start looking into baby names and good birthing hospitals and prices for doulas. I have thought about who I will tell during those first critical weeks (but who am I kidding, I probably won't be able to keep it secret from anyone who knows me at all).

But I know it's all so premature. I know that most people don't get pregnant on the first try. I know that there could be huge disappointment coming my way. But there is nothing I can do about it for another 8 days. So, I'm trying to relax and go on with my life as normal. Whatever that is!

I am also dangerously low on cash. I honestly don't know how I will come up with money for additional cycles. There are loan options out there that I will need to start looking into. Also, I am planning on moving to a new fertility clinic, one that treats me like a person and not a number, and one that doesn't charge me a fortune every time my Donor wants to donate. I've been really unhappy with my clinic; however, if I get pregnant on try #1 I will put it all behind me and give them only a raving review! But, one thing at a time.

I'm also looking for a higher paying job, hopefully combining my entertainment and attorney experience. I used to really want to practice entertainment law, but when I left my firm 9 years ago I swore I would never practice again. Well, that lasted for about 5 years and since then I have been switching back and forth between law firms and movie sets. Now that I am really trying to settle down and make a family, I am hoping to go back to my original plan of entertainment law. It would be a good happy medium (hopefully) for me; though I undoubtedly will miss the adrenaline rush I get from preproduction and production.

So, while I wait, I work, job hunt and catch up on my Mad Men episodes (love, love, love that show).

Here We Go

Today was my first insemination!

It has been a roller coaster of a month. First I switched fertility clinics. I probably chose the wrong one (a huge, impersonal "factory" in Beverly Hills) but once I was in the door there was no turning back. That's when I found out how truly expensive this was going to be. Then, the day he was due to come to Los Angeles to donate his specimen, my Donor backed out. Like, completely. I am proud that there were barely any tears on my end, but I will admit to a guilt email and phone call to encourage him to reconsider. Then there were talks with lawyers and new agreements to draft. Then my donor came back on board (hallelujah!) and we signed the agreement. Then fertility meds. Then shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and pillls to take and a shot to trigger ovulation. Then insemination days. Today and tomorrow.

Today I was up at the crack of dawn to get myself to the clinic by 7am, and on the way there I was having all sorts of doubts and fears about going through with it. But at the ultrasound, the technician told me I have two juicy follicles ready to go, and I got a huge smile on my face!

The whole experience has been surreal. I can't even let myself think about actually being pregnant and having a baby for fear that this cycle won't "take" or if it does take, fear of a miscarriage. But then once in a while a thought creeps through and I get super giddy and excited about the possibility. Then there are the obligatory "what the hell am I thinking" moments? I would say I vascillate all day long, every day, between joy, anxiety, stress, fear and hope. The way I figure it, if there is more joy and hope than anxiety, stress and fear, then I am coming out ahead.

Mostly, though, I am exhausted. I know, I know, this is only the beginning of the exhaustion if this all works out. But let me tell you, it is only my first cycle and my life has been turned upside down by all the early morning appointments, drug protocols, financial issues etc. I don't know how people do this for multiple cycles, trying for month after month or year after year, with each procedure more invasive and expensive than the last. I know that for me, I probably won't be able to afford another cycle. I will have to wait it out and see how I feel in 2 weeks. It really is emotionally and physically quite taxing.

It's funny because for the most part I have grieved the loss of the nuclear family, and I am comfortable with the idea of raising a child on my own. But when I go to the clinic and I see all the married women with their husbands, I get those jealousy pangs again. Frankly, though, I also get jealous when a married woman shows up with her mom or her sister, since I don't have those, either. So, I suppose I will just have to get used to it, because I really want to have a baby and I know that this is pretty much my only chance.

But no pressure or anything.

Well, it only took 8 months but I am finally just about finished with all the testing. Had the HSG and ultrasound last week - looks good and only cost over $1,000 (yikes!). Next week is the progesterone test. Of course, because my original blood tests were 8 months ago, I have to re-do them to make sure the numbers still look good.

I'm in the process of drafting an agreement for Airplane Baby Daddy and I to sign. I also hired a private investigator to do a little digging (to make sure he's not some crazy criminal). I also broke up with Alpha and Beta (by email, which I admit was a total chickenshit move, but I just couldn't bare to do it in person).

Overall, things are moving forward.

The biggest stressers are (a) finances and (b) my dad.

I am currently working very inconsistently. The job market is bad and although I am looking for something longer term and more stable, the reality is that I will probably still be a freelancer when (if) I get pregnant. Of course, once pregnant my chances of getting a full time salaried job are nil. And of course, I may have mentioned that my insurance covers NONE of these fertility tests or treatment. Zilch. I'm on my own there. So, my credit card debt is rising and my income is zero at the moment, and this is obviously hugely stressful for me. I have already spent close to two thousand bucks on tests and dr appointments, and I haven't even started TRYING to conceive yet. I am trying to stay calm, and tell myself that these things are necessary and I CANNOT wait another year to get myself financially stable. People keep telling me that there is never an ideal time to have a baby, even under the best of circumstances, and that I just have to go for it and it will work itself out. I know that I have the earning potential, I just haven't realized that potential yet. Hopefully it's not too late for me (earning potential wise and baby-making wise).

A few months ago I told my Dad my plans and it did not go well. I won't get into the specifics because he is sensitive about me posting any private information on the web. I will say that it is an ongoing stresser for me and I wish things were better in that area.

I have kind of worked myself into a tizzy over all the fears and stresses....but then I also have moments of excitement that make me realize it is the right decision for me. I can't wait to take my child to the farmers market and let him or her taste a plum for the first time. It's the little moments that give me the most encouragement. I know that I can enrich a child's life and raise a good human being. I just hope to be given the chance.

Project Bambino

I met with Airplane Baby Daddy this past weekend and I have to say, it seems that we are on the same page. Yay for the same page!

Dinner on Friday was lovely, and we literally closed the place down. Granted, we made small talk for a good two hours before we got around to discussing the elephant in the room, but once we did, it went well. He told me that he would want to be like a grandfather or favorite uncle and that I could be the "primary" parent. I formalized this in an email yesterday, ie that I would have full legal and physical custody, and he agreed, saying essentially that he would be a Known Sperm Donor. Next step is to consult with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist), lawyer and private investigator.

There was only one, er, red flag. That is, we are both sort of in the same field of film production, and he kept trying to pitch me his script ideas. Like, at least 5 or 6 different ones. He was definitely more interested in talking shop than talking baby. This made me really nervous at first, and still does a bit. However, I am starting to see it as more of a blessing, actually, because it appears that he really is going to be quite hands off when it comes to bambino, unlike my alpha beta gay male couple who wanted to be consulted on every decision. I just hope that he isn't using the baby thing as a way to get me interested in his film career and offer to produce his movies or something. I can't help it, I'm old enough and wise enough to be cynical.

I am coming to terms with the thought of being a single mom. I am actually excited about it now. I know there will be huge financial, physical and mental challenges, but I am more excited than scared. If this works out, I will feel so grateful to ABD for giving me the gift of a child. I will be eternally happy that bambino can say "my dad lives in XXX" or "I have my dad's nose/eyes/ears/belly button". (S)he will have a father to celebrate father's day and birthdays with. But I will still be a single mom. Me, Bambino and puppy dog. And that makes me happy.

Dog Alert!

Those are the two words that absolutely grate on me the most right now.

My lovely gay couple are incredibly high maintenance about their dogs. These are two perfectly well behaved dogs, yet every time we are out with them and either one of their human owners sees another dog, I hear "Dog Alert!" Then, the two of them scramble to pull their dogs aside, distract them and prevent them from barking. It is quite a system they have. It means that when we go hiking, every five seconds I hear "Dog Alert"! To make matters worse, if a dog is off leash (as MANY dogs are on hiking trails, including my own) they start yelling at said dog to BACK OFF, as if that dog is specifically out to get their dogs. In addition, there are mumbled comments about owners who keep their dogs off leash or unneutered. At dinner last week, we were talking about our lifestyles and I mentioned how I'm generally a pretty laid back person. Their response? "We are, too. DOG ALERT!" I am not kidding.

Frankly, I can't stand it.

I tried diligently to break up with them two weeks ago, but they came back with an offer to be simply Known Donors rather than co-parents. This offer was VERY tempting, as I had fantasies of me being the sole legal and physical guardian of a child, with unlimited visitation from them. The thought of having a dad(s) to love is so darned tempting and I would never want to deny a child of that right. However, their offer was quickly amended to want to have their name on the birth certificate, to maintain legal rights "for insurance reasons" and to be consulted on major decisions. They even want to sleep at my house during those first infant months to help out with feedings etc. So nothing has changed at all. I mean, the conversation included such statements/questions as "we wouldn't be happy being just Disney Dads; I mean, you wouldn't want us to be just Disney Dads, would you?" My answer was "uh, yes, that is exactly what I want". So we see where this is headed, which is nowhere good. I am going to have to break up with them again, this time for good, and man am I dreading it.

So moving on, I am having dinner tonight with Airplane Baby Daddy (ABD?). I have only met him once, and for only half an hour, so I have no idea of what his expectations are, but I will find out in about 2 hours. Trying not to get too excited or scared. There is only a potential human life on the line, after all.

Being Alone

The thing I hate most about being single is having to make all decisions alone. I have no problem doing things on my own or living alone - give me a lazy Sunday to go on a hike, make homemade brownies or go grocery shopping, and I am a happy girl. But if I have to decide on anything important, I really want to make the decision with someone else. I find myself living in a kind of limbo of not making any decisions, and therefore not moving forward on anything, for months or years at a time. I've wanted to take a vacation (to Africa or South America) for years but since there's nobody to go with, I just think about it and do nothing to make it happen. I haven't left the country in 3 years.

That said, if I have someone who is invested, I'm happy to make decisions on our behalf. The last time I did leave the country was when I traveled to Cuba with a good friend. It was my idea and once she validated it, I was able to do all the research and make all the arrangements. We had a great time and even though I know I was responsible for the trip, I couldn't have done it without her telling me it was OK and agreeing to go with me. I suppose this is a weakness of mine, which is that I don't trust my own judgment and am looking for validation from others.

So needless to say, having nobody as invested in the baby issue as I am makes it all that much harder to make decisions and take action. Nobody but me is really going to care if I DON'T become a mom, so nobody is giving me that extra push or encouragement that I need. I talk to friends about it, and they are supportive, yet they really are very disconnected. I know it's a cynical thought, but the truth is people really only care about their own lives and don't really want to get that involved in yours. This is not a judgment -- we are all the same way. I can listen to a friend's problems and give advice but when I hang up the phone or drive away, I'm back into my own world of problems.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself that I don't have anyone who REALLY will get involved and tell me what to do. I've been independent for so long that I don't even know if I have the skills to be in a relationship; yet I long for someone to lean on, someone who will help me make decisions. I fear that I'm going to sit on my butt for months and years and not make a decision until it's too late. I don't want to have regrets either way, yet whatever decision I make will ultimately be my responsibility. RESPONSIBILITY. At 40 years old, I guess I'm going to have to take some of that for myself. I didn't think I would have to do it on my own, though.

Maybe I Won't Break Up With The Gay Couple After All

So I tried to break up with the gay couple today and instead was presented with what I think could be a great offer.

Earlier this week they sent me an email saying they were ready to freeze their sperm and thought we should sit down and talk through all the logistics and details together. This freaked me out to say the least. I mean, I can't even manage a regular, heterosexual, one-on-one romantic relationship, and now I'm plunging head-first into a lifetime partnership with not one but TWO men who I barely know. I wrote them back and said that to be completely honest, I was nervous that we didn't know each other for very long and that I unfortunately don't have the time to get to know them (given my advanced age and withering eggs). I told them that because of this, I am leaning towards finding a "Known Donor" rather than a Co-Parent situation. Ideally I would love to have a father (or fathers) for my child who are proper parents in the way that divorced couples are to their children; but jumping into it with strangers is like eloping after the first date with no chance of annulment if things go bad. Basically, I'm too chicken to go through with it. I did agree to meet with them to discuss it further.

When I saw them today they seemed positively heartbroken. How did I get myself into this mess? All I want is a baby and now I've gone and ruined these guys' week. They described the mental roller coaster that this journey has been and seemed really depressed. It was awkward to say the least.

Then they came at me with a new proposition. They said although it's not ideal, they would be willing to be Known Donors. Now, what this means to them exactly I'm not 100% sure but it did perk my interest. I told them that I was incredibly grateful for the offer but I KNOW that they want to be active and involved parents and I would feel incredibly guilty taking that away from them. Their response was that yes, they would prefer to be co-parents but they could probably live with being known donors. They want to have a child that badly.

In my head I am already feeling better. In this new fantasy scenario I could be a mom, have sole guardianship of my child, and give the male influences that the child needs and deserves. My child would know who his genetic father is and be loved by not one but TWO dads. I would grant as much visitation as they would want but wouldn't have to negotiate every last little decision (where does the kid go to school? How do we deal with holidays? What religion do we raise the child? What is the child's last name? etc etc.). At first glance, it actually sounds pretty darn optimal.

I know there are huge risks here. They could change their minds at any time and fight for custody. They could become more involved than I would want them to be. Frankly, the opposite could happen - what if I build up expectations and they don't end up fulfilling them? So many complications could arise but I do feel that this is still better than having an anonymous donor. I want my baby to look at his or her father in the eyes and know that there is love there.

So today I look at my gay couple with new eyes. Instead of being irritated with Alpha, I see the possibility of being a single mom without the guilt of not providing the child with a dad. That makes me feel awfully good right now. Let's see how I feel in a few days or weeks. If the euphoria lasts, I may just go for it.

Jealousy and Friendship

The emotion that always stops me in my tracks is that little green monster called jealousy. I don't mean the kind where you are jealous of other girls looking at your boyfriend. I'm talking about jealousy of other people's lives. I'm unfortunately the kind of person who gets a knot in her stomach when she hears that someone is engaged, or pregnant, or just bought a house with her spouse. It's the trait about me that I am least proud of and although I try not to let it influence my friendships, it is hard.

So imagine my state of mind when I was going up north to visit my 4 best college girlfriends for the weekend, three of whom have children. We have been a "clique" since 1988 -- 22 years of friendship. These girls were at one time my very rocks of my life. We have of course all gone on to lead our own lives and although we vacation together about once a year, some of the friendships have drifted and it's partly due to this envy that I can't seem to shake. One of them lives the "perfect" All-American life -- husband, nice house in the suburbs, 2 beautiful kids, plenty of money, involved grandparents for the children on both sides, etc. etc. I love my friend but find that my jealousy makes me not want to stay in closer touch. Our friendship has become more of an acquaintance-ship. We make small talk, talk about the old days and ask each other who else we keep in touch with. And that whole exchange always makes me so sad.

So, given all of my recent baby-thinking and financial difficulties, I was not looking forward to the weekend with the girls. I just couldn't deal with the thought of watching their perfect lives unfold, and having to answer qusetions about what is new in my life. They all have homes, spouses, children, in-laws and jobs. I have none of those things and feel that I have nothing to contribute.

But, I went and I have to say, I'm glad I went.

Jealousy or not, these girls are still my home. We have the kind of friendship where we don't need to talk. We can just BE. We don't need to put on a show for each other. We don't bother to get dressed up and put on makeup. We can just be ourselves. My one "perfect" friend asked me what was new and I said "nothing" and that was the end of the conversation. I don't know if she sensed that I didn't want to talk, but either way we just moved on and enjoyed each other's company.

The funny thing is, I became the Pied Piper of all the kids. They all wanted to play with me all the time. I became their de facto leader. They loved me and they loved my dog (even the 2 young girls who were scared of dogs at the beginnign of the weekend). They held my hand when we went for a hike, and gave me a huge hug a the end of the weekend. We smiled and laughed and played and generally had a blast.

The only part of the weekend that made me sad is that this is exactly how I pictured us all growing older together. I pictured we would get together periodically with our children and all live happily ever after, drinking smoothies by the pool as our kids played. Which is exactly what we are doing. Except that I am the one who doesn't have children. The irony of course is that I am the one who always really WANTED to have children. So, I do feel a huge loss that I can't raise my kids with my friends.

So, I walked away from the weekend feeling even more determined than ever to have kids and pronto. And, I'm really glad I got to see and spent time with my ladies.

Co-Parenting as an Option

Since my last post, I have done quite a bit of research on co-parenting. I joined a support group here in LA for potential co-parents and I signed up with several websites that help you find others who want to co-parent. I've met some interesting people who want to have children and are willing to step outside the norms of the nuclear family to do so. I've also found a few weirdos.

I have spent some quality time with a gay couple that lives about 30 miles away from me. I met them through one of the co-parenting websites and they invited me to their house one evening. Based on their web profile, I instantly liked them. They are both very well educated, they own a home, have a couple of dogs and generally seem like my kind of people. The first meeting was a bit awkward, like a first date of sorts (except with not one but TWO men). Everyone was nervous. How do you go from "so, what do you do for a living" to "how would you like to share our lives for 20+ years"? without sounding like a psycho? We all talked openly about our lives and our families and what we want out of parenting. A nice evening all around but I was left feeling a bit "off". I was excited about the possibility of giving my child not one but TWO dads who love him or her. That made me so happy. They also talked about wanting to be really involved (as they put it, they don't want to be just weekend dads); they even mentioned the possibility of being the "primary" parents. That was a bit of a flag but I ignored it. Of the two, one of them (Alpha) did most of the talking and seemed super opinionated; the other (Beta) would be the biological parent (because they feel he is better looking). Beta was super quiet and shy, and seemed to have trouble finishing thoughts....he would sort of trail off and leave the end of the sentence hanging. Another small flag. Super nice but not particularly well spoken. But, it was a lovely enough evening and I liked them a lot, so we decided to get together again.

The second "date" was a gathering at their house with their family and friends. I hate going to parties, especially when I don't know anyone. Add on the pressure cooker situation of having to make an impression on all these people (including Alpha and Beta) and I was not really relaxed. I had a nice time at the BBQ and met another interesting set of co-parents. These people had a fascinating situation. It was another gay couple -- Blonde Guy and Brunette. Brunette was the biological dad and Blonde Guy's sister was the biological mother. This makes Blondie the biological dad and biological uncle. They all live happily together in the same home. I didn't ask too many questions (not wanting to pry) but they seemed like nice people and the kid seemed perfectly well-adjusted. Not exactly a Norman Rockwell painting but it seems to work for them.

The third date was at my house. By this point, I really feel like I'm in a relationship with these two guys and I'm starting to feel some pressure. By the end of that date I realized that I need to break up with them. Alpha is way too alpha for me and I don't think I could co-parent with him. I would feel judged all the time and could see all sorts of potential conflicts and possible custody issues arising. Also, it's uncomfortable that there are two of them and only one of me, which makes me feel outnumbered if there were ever a conflict.

So now I find myself needing to break up with not one, but TWO guys. Part of the reason I'm still single at the age of 40 is that I hate dating, and breakups and conflict, and I have put myself in this very twisted version of the same situation I have avoided for so many years. How's that for irony?

In the meantime, I have met another possible co-parent (Plane Guy) who so far seems very promising. He lives in another part of the state but owns his own plane so it is easy for him to come down to my area. He's tall, good looking, smart and seems to want to be a "weekend" dad. I only met him for a half an hour one time, but I think we are both interested in continuing to talk. My biggest concern with him is that I may not have enough time to wait for him. With a known donor, you have to bank the sperm for 6 months before starting the process (to test and re-test for HIV). By the time we spend some more time together and decide if we want to proceed, THEN wait 6 months, I may be 41. Yikes.

So, the journey and exploration continues. It's been a bit depressing and a bit exhilerating, depending on the day. Now I just have to figure out how to break up with 2 hippie gay guys.

Weirdest Pseudo-Date With a Prospective Known Donor Ever

What a weird life I live.

I've mentioned several times how much I struggle with the anonymous donor issue. I'm reading this fantastic book called "Knock Yourself Up", and there was one sentence in it that caught my attention and could end up changing my course. It suggested that some women find support groups to meet gay men who want to co-parent. Hmmmm......interesting approach!

So last week I did a google search for "co-parents gay los angeles" and ended up finding three websites and a meetup group, all of which allow people who want to co-parent to meet each other. The meetup group is more of a support group, while the other 3 are more like online dating sites, but for possible known donors and/or co-parents. Many of the prospective donors/co-parents are gay, and many of the donees are lesbian couples or single women.

I promptly signed up for all the websites, posted a short profile and looked for folks in the Los Angeles area who might be interested in being a known donor or co-parent. I've done the profile thing a gazillion times before, on various dating websites, but this was obviously different. I'm not really in it to impress anyone. I kept it short and simple, stating who I am (40 year old single straight woman) and what I want (known donor or co-parent in the Los Angeles area).

Turns out this is a bigger business abroad than here in the states. I understand why - in the states, you cannot contract the rights of a child, so no matter what agreement you come to with your donor or co-parent, it will not be enforceable. Very murky waters to tread. But, there are some folks out there who want to donate and/or co-parent so I found them and wrote to them.

One guy (who I refer to as The Narcissist) found me and wrote me a note. In his profile, he detailed how gorgeous and smart he is. According to his profile, he is 32 years old, 6 feet tall, very handsome, and a member of MENSA. He also made sure to mention that he has several gorgeous children created through artificial insemination. The kicker was that the picture he posted didn't seem to be a picture of a real person; it was clearly a picture of a beach model, 6 pack abs and all. Strange. Although I knew by his tone that he wouldn't be someone I would pick to be a donor, I agreed to meet him. I figured, what the hell, it's somewhere to start.

So, today was D Day. I met him for coffee at a public place (I even brought my dog, not that he would ever protect me but what the hell....plus, you can tell a lot about a person by how they handle dogs). Needless to say, he was NOT as described in his profile. First, he looked absolutely nothing like the picture he put up (which I suspected, because there was no way that picture was actually a real live person!). He was this skinny, nerdy Indian guy, pocket protector and all. Not at all bad looking but certainly not the model he described himself to be.

Now, I've been out on more blind dates than I can count, and if I do say so myself, I'm pretty good and keeping an initial conversation going for an hour or so. I assumed today's "date" would be the same. It wasn't. It was awkward, filled with weird pauses where I couldn't think of a thing to say. Asking questions about his personality seemed so silly, since I knew from the moment I saw him that he wasn't "the one". He told me that he has previously donated to another sperm bank, and he brought out all the medical tests and records from that, along with pictures of his 4 children. He also told me he wouldn't want any money from me, and is just doing this to do a favor to someone in need. Nice to hear but hard to believe.

Here's the kicker, though. When I was perusing through the results of these records, I saw his date of birth. Turns out he is born the same year as me, not 8 years later as it said on his profile. Innnnnnnteresting! That set off the hugest lightbulb of all. PEOPLE LIE ON THESE WEBSITES AND TO THE CRYOBANKS. You absolutely cannot trust one single thing people say. The only information you can rely on is the medical and genetic testing.

Today solidified in my mind the fears I've had about anonymous donors. What if I had gone onto a cryobank, seen his profile with no adult video or photograph, and decided to go with him? I would be getting something that was completely falsely advertised. Sure, he seemed like a nice enough person but he was not what he said he was.

I know I am fighting an uphill battle in terms of time (especially with the 6 month waiting period if using a known donor). But, at least for now, I just cannot wrap my head around not knowing the donor. I need to look this person in the eyes and get a feel for who he is. I know I am not marrying him or being intimate with him or (necessarily) even co-parenting with him. But I need to trust him as a person.

This co-parenting option is also something very interesting to me. I know how sketchy it seems and how ugly it could get. But, I'm going to explore it. In fact, tonight is Date #2 -- with a gay couple who wants to co-parent. Cross your fingers and who knows, I could end up being an SMC whose child has 2 daddies!

Holy Crap I'm 40

I spent my 30th birthday in a hosptial bed in the ICU in San Francisco. I had contracted a very rare and deadly blood disorder called TTP (Thrombotic Thrombocytopenia Purpura for those medical-type readers) as a result of e-coli poisoning. It was a bummer to say the least. I was in the hosptial for 39 days and by the time I got out, I had undergone blood transfusions, plasmapheresis, dialysis and chemotherapy.

That experience changed my life, to be sure. Within a year I quit my very lucrative job as a corporate attorney, and decided to become a filmmaker. I didn't know or care where I would be in 10 years. And now, 10 years later has arrived.

So when people asked how I felt about turning 40 last week, I tell them that, well, I'm alive, I'm healthy (fully recovered, thank you very much!) and I'm pursuing my dream, so really, how bad could it be?

Well......

I made a very deliberate choice to quit my job and change careers. I'm a freelancer now, which I love. What I don't love is not knowing what my paycheck will be week to week. I love being able to pick up and go to Texas, or Alaska, or Las Vegas, to shoot a movie. I don't love having to have a roommate, and sometimes having to shop for groceries at the 99 cent store. I love my friends. I don't so much love watching them get engaged, then married, then pregnant.

Until very recently, I looked at my 30s as a kind of adventure. Where would my next film take me? Who would I meet on my next project? I traveled, met lots of fascinating people, got a dog, did lots of hiking, spent time with my family, and went to film school (not in that order). All my friends were jealous because I followed my dreams.

But now, here I am, at 40. Still single, still living in a rented apartment with roommates, still struggling, still wanting a family. I look back at my 30s and can't help but wonder if it was all a bit too self-indulgent. Sure, I had a multitude of experiences both good and bad, but I don't have anything to show for them. Most people work hard and at the end of 10 years they have something....maybe a home, or a spouse, or a family, or a nest egg. I don't have diddly squat.

Needless to say, the panic has struck, my clock is ticking louder than ever, and I am realizing that all that time I thought I had is dwindling down to nothing. Financially, I am not ready for the fertility treatments or for a baby. I'm still struggling with the known vs anonymous donor issue. If I were 35, I'd continue to think. But I'm not 35. I'm 40. I don't want to lose another minute, another month, another cycle. I'm so freaking scared that it's too late for me.

I don't know how 40 crept up on me, but it did, and I have some work to do now to make my 40s count for something more than just my own selfish happiness.

Transition from Thinking to Doing

So R said "no" to being a donor, which was a big blow. I hadn't heard from him in the 4 months since I sent the letter, even after several phone calls and emails to him, so I finally sent him one last email PROMISING him that whatever his decision was would not affect our friendship. At that point I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from him in order to move on. So, he wrote back and said that he would not feel comfortable. It was a short email and didn't go into much detail, which is fine I guess because the decision was made and knew there was no negotiating or changing his mind. I promised him that our friendship was fine, and we proceeded to have a lovely brunch in NY with him and his boyfriend, where the subject didn't even come up. Wow, what a huge elephant in the room at that restaurant.

I I licked my wounds from that for a few weeks, then came up with another brilliant (or so I though) idea. Actually, I had been thinking about this plan for a while but was too chicken to do anything about it. You see, about 5 years ago I dated this boy (I call him a boy because he is 9 years younger than me) who is gorgeous, smart, well educated, from a good family etc. Good genes, right?! We have stayed friends (acquaintances, really) over the years and periodically one of us calls the other wondering why in the heck we ever broke up in the first place (I always remember after just a few minutes with him). Well I finally got up the nerve to call him. Turns out, though, that he now has a girlfriend and he told me it is getting serious and it would be disrespectful to her if he spoke to me or saw me. It was sweet, actually, to hear how traditional he is (I mean, aside from the sharp pang it caused in my gut to hear that from a former lover). I actually was pissed at myself for totally misreading how traditional he is. Of course, my fantasy at that point came crashing down. Here in the back of my head I had been thinking, HOPING, that I could find a known donor who would want to participate in some way in being a dad or a dad-figure. In order for me to move on, I need to accept that my fantasy is just that, a fantasy, and is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. The truth is, I truly am going to be alone in this journey and I am going to need to accept that if I'm going to make this happen.

And I want to make this happen.

Next step: I joined Single Mothers by Choice, an organization with thousands of members just like me. I read all the literature and daily emails. I am now looking into sperm banks and am hoping to make some serious choices in the next few weeks.

Speaking of sperm banks, the number of sperm banks and donors is kind of overwhelming, so I am trying to figure out which ones to start with. Since It is really important for me to find an "Open ID" donor, ie someone who is willing to be contacted when the child turns 18. From everything I've read, it seems that children of anonymous sperm donors seem to feel an emptiness that comes from looking in the mirror and not knowing what he is looking at. So I really want to give this person pictures and video of the donor, as well as the opportunity to find him when he/she turns 18. If it were me, I would want that option, so it's the least I can do. Not all banks have this option, though, and of those that do, only a small percentage of the donors are willing to be Open ID. So, I'm looking into which sperm banks have the most Open ID options.

More decisions to come. One of these days I may even get around to telling my own Dad my plans. Well, that struggle for another post.

If I wait Could I Ever Forgive Myself?

3 of my closest friends have had their babies in the last several months. My best friend of almost 30 years had hers 4 days ago. She had a really difficult pregnancy, and she HATED being pregnant as a result, so I was so happy and relieved on Tuesday when I heard that she and the baby were healthy and happy. I've been to visit her in the hospital every day since, and I'm surprised to say that the ever present green monster only roared it's head one of the days. Most of the days I was happy to sit with my friend, her husband and their beautiful baby girl. I was happy to hold the baby, watch the baby and talk about the baby. But on the third evening my jealousies came out to get me once again and I got SOOO SAD. Sad that I may not ever experience any of this. Sad that even if I did, I would be all alone. Sad that I will not have a spouse to stay with me in the hospital or at home round the clock to help me and the baby. Sad that there won't be another person to love my child as much as I do. Sad that I won't have someone to turn to when the baby does something super cute, and just smile that knowing smile of "look what we made!"

I have not heard from R about the letter I sent. It's been less than 2 weeks so I'm not surprised, but now the nightmares are starting. Every night I dream of a different way he can tell me "no". So I just wait.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this for the right reasons, but other times I doubt myself, my motives and my logic. Sometimes I think it's jealousy of my friends and acquaintances that propels the decision. Sometimes I think I just want it because everyone else has it and I don't want to feel somehow left out. Let's face it, it's easy to feel left out when your friends all have kids. Today I was invited to a birthday party but my friend who invited me said "but you probably won't want to come; I mean, it's just gonna be a bunch of families with kids". She meant well but man that stung. Then I start to doubt everything -- I'm in no financial position to support a child, it's not fair to bring a child into the world without a father, etc., etc., etc. The doubts are endless.

But then there are times where I feel in my gut I have to do it. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. I have always loved kids and they pretty much love me, too. I am in many ways a kid myself -- I still have visceral memories of what kids like, want and need. I have a natural instinct for nurturing and teaching. I feel that it is somehow a calling of mine. And at 39, I better fucking do it now or I could regret it forever.

I heard a song this morning on NPR, and the first lines went like this:

It's not right

But it's now or never

If I wait

Could I ever forgive myself?

And the answer is No.

The Letter

Dear R,

I hope you are doing well and had a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

I wanted to write to you about something really important to me. I’m not really sure how to approach the topic, so I’ll just dive right in.

As you know, I have always wanted to have children, and I have decided that I want to pursue single motherhood. Circumstances are not ideal because I haven’t found the right guy but as you know that right guy has always eluded me for one reason or another and at age 39, I just can’t wait anymore. I know in my heart that I would be a good mother and I am willing to do whatever it takes to experience pregnancy and motherhood.

This is where my letter to you comes in. I was wondering if you would be willing to consider being a sperm donor for me. I know that this is a HUGE ENORMOUS BIGGER THAN WORDS favor to ask. The most important thing for you to know is that if you agree to be a donor, you will never have any sort of financial, social or moral obligation to me or the child. I will never ask you for child support or demand anything from you.

There are several avenues that can be followed: (a) you are a sperm donor only and the child doesn’t know who his/her biological father is; (b) you are a sperm donor and are involved tangentially as a friend/uncle to the child (with no financial obligations), and the child will know at some point that you are the biological father; (c) you can be a donor and also be an active part of the child’s life as the child’s parent and even have joint custody if it is something you would want now or at any time later on; or (d) a combination of any/all of the above. I am open to absolutely anything you would want to do. I am also open to having Scott be a part of this decision and even be a co-parent if he is interested.

I want you to know that whatever you decide, I will always love you and respect your answer. We have been friends for 20 years (!) and have been through so much in our lives, both together and apart. I am so proud of everything you’ve done with your life, both personally and professionally, and I would be absolutely honored to have you be part of this process. However, if you decide not to do it, I respect your decision and will still love you and be your friend. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and most intensely in the past 6 months (since I turned 39) and I have you in mind for a million reasons. I really don’t want to have an “anonymous” donor because I want to be able to look at my child and know where his/her genetics came from. Also, because I love and respect you and our friendship so much, you are a natural first choice for me.

I know this comes from out of the blue so I do not expect you to make the decision right away (unless it is an automatic “no”), so please take your time to consider this letter. You can call or email me anytime. I will pay for all of your expenses and can walk you through the whole process and answer any questions. If you decide to do this, there will be forms for you to fill out and a sperm sample to give, and they may also require a blood test or two. If you want, I can fly out to NY to discuss everything with you and make a plan.

I have started the process of fertility testing and they tell me that there is generally a 6-month waiting period for sperm of a known donor (to give them enough time to do proper genetic testing/washing/prepping etc.). So, if you donate the sperm, I will still wait 6 months before following through with any plans and you can change your mind at any time.

I know this is a huge thing to ask of anyone and I do not take this request lightly. I truly believe that you would make a fantastic parent or donor and I would be so honored if you would join me in this journey in whatever capacity you want.

Love to you always,
N