One of the Biggest Cliches of Them All

Let's confront one of the biggest and baddest cliches about single mothers out there - that we all women with all-consuming, high paying, fulfilling careers that just never made time to focus on relationships.

WRONG.

We're not all straight out of an '80s movie, wearing boxy suits and one-inch pumps and trying to get ahead at the expense of the evil male coworker who wants to put us in our place. We are regular, ordinary girls who just didn't find "the one" in time.

As for me - yes, I did become a lawyer in my mid-20s and yes, I had the high paying job at a big law firm. But even then, I knew I wanted the whole package of marriage and children. I was ALWAYS ambivalent about being a lawyer - although I really and truly enjoyed law school, I never wanted to practice law and frankly, once I was in it, never enjoyed it or thought of it as my first priority.

I spent the second half of my twenties working at a corporate law firm and "semi-dating" a coworker. This guy was gorgeous, well educated, and a bit mysterious. He was a single parent at the age of 26, which actually was a huge turn on for me, as I didn't know any other young people with families and even then, I knew I wanted one. Well, it turns out he wasn't so mature, and frankly I wasn't so mature, and let's just say I spent (wasted?) a couple of years of my life pining over this totally unavailable man.

After a series of personal crises and a couple more failed relationships (let's just say my judgment in my 20s wasn't so stellar), I left the law firm life and headed back to grad school at the age of 32. Happily, the tables turned and I got more male attention than I gave, and even had a guy or two pine over ME for a change.  I met several gorgeous, smart, funny, talented guys during that time, and had several short-term relationships with men who weren't "the one".   As I approached my mid-30s, the panic set in and by age 39 I knew I was not going to find someone in time to have a baby.

As for me now, I have been TTC for the better part of two years while simultaneously trying to jump start my new career. I try to date but my heart just isn't in it. I'm actually quite content being single at the moment, and with the exception of the financial factor, am totally at peace with becoming a single mom.

My point is that we aren't all career-hungry vultures trying to break through the glass ceiling at the expense of our personal lives.  We are human women who for whatever reason haven't found a mate in time, and whether or not we all have successful careers is irrelevant to this process.  

And anyway, boxy suits just aren't my style.

Desperation Comes in the Form of Urine of Post-Menopausal Nuns

It continues to be a long road, and I am resisting the urge to post all the gory and mostly negative details on here. The brief rundown is that I have switched fertility clinics, had 2 more IUIs and 2 more negative results. I am now one of these people who injects herself with hormones and spends all her money ($15,000 so far, no joke) on fertility doctors, meds and procedures. It's been a trip to say the least.

This month I will be giving myself not one, but TWO shots each day, one of which is made from, get this, the urine of post-menopausal nuns. Yes, you read that right. Now, why post-menopausal nuns hold the secret to fertility, I will never know.

There is some irony in me injecting myself with nun urine, though. When I was a freshman in college, I became very friendly with a group of 4 other girls, all of whom were, shall we say, inexperienced in the bedroom. Basically, we were all losers in high school and none of us ever had a boyfriend. Instead of going out and partying till dawn every night, we stayed in our dorm room and made up dorky dances to Cat Stevens music. Soon enough, we became known as "The Convent." The five of us remained close friends and roommates, and still have Convent Reunions once a year. Though we have all broken the sacred convent vow of chastity, and most have gone on to have boyfriends, girlfriends and/or children, some of us (ahem, me) are still single. At this point, I may actually be a born-again virgin. Or something. So in my heart, I am still a nun and therefore could be a prime candidate for making Menapur and helping others have babies. Wait.

Huh

OK, I SWORE that I was not going to become one of these people who become obsessed with her medical stats and speaks in sentences like "During my ttc I was hoping for a BFP but when AF arrived my HPT was BFN". Like, HUH?! What the hell.

But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.

As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:

My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.

First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.

So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.

So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!

So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.

Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!

Big Fat Negative

Well, 14 days waiting, 2 pregnancy tests down, and 1 result - negative.

I know, it would have been way too easy for me to get pregnant on the first try. But still.

I was supposed to wait until this morning to take the test - but as of last night I couldn't wait any longer, so I took the test right before bed and it was negative. Then I somehow convinced myself that results are not accurate unless taken today. Even the directions on the package said that if you are taking the test before your missed period, you should take it first thing in the morning. So, I went to bed and forced myself not to pee until I was able to get up, get dressed, feed and walk the dog, drive to Rite Aid, buy a test, and drive to work. Not fun! And of course, I got here, took the test and got the same result.

I am going to keep my head up, talk to my doctor (or more likely, his nurse) today and get ready to try again.

But there is only 1 vial of sperm left from APD, so this could be my last chance unless I am able to convince him to continue donating.

I'm going to have to get serious about taking out a loan.

But first I'm gonna drink a big fat cup of caffeinated tea. And maybe eat a candy bar or two.

Waiting

They warned me that the two week wait (2WW) would be tough. But yikes, it is really tough!

Luckily I am working 7 days a week during the entire 2 weeks, so I am distracted quite a bit. Still, everytime I feel any sort of twitch in my body, I wonder. If I feel "normal" I think well, it must have failed. I notice every twitch, every possible symptom. I am trying so hard not to psych myself up for good news, but it is so hard. I am so tempted to start looking into baby names and good birthing hospitals and prices for doulas. I have thought about who I will tell during those first critical weeks (but who am I kidding, I probably won't be able to keep it secret from anyone who knows me at all).

But I know it's all so premature. I know that most people don't get pregnant on the first try. I know that there could be huge disappointment coming my way. But there is nothing I can do about it for another 8 days. So, I'm trying to relax and go on with my life as normal. Whatever that is!

I am also dangerously low on cash. I honestly don't know how I will come up with money for additional cycles. There are loan options out there that I will need to start looking into. Also, I am planning on moving to a new fertility clinic, one that treats me like a person and not a number, and one that doesn't charge me a fortune every time my Donor wants to donate. I've been really unhappy with my clinic; however, if I get pregnant on try #1 I will put it all behind me and give them only a raving review! But, one thing at a time.

I'm also looking for a higher paying job, hopefully combining my entertainment and attorney experience. I used to really want to practice entertainment law, but when I left my firm 9 years ago I swore I would never practice again. Well, that lasted for about 5 years and since then I have been switching back and forth between law firms and movie sets. Now that I am really trying to settle down and make a family, I am hoping to go back to my original plan of entertainment law. It would be a good happy medium (hopefully) for me; though I undoubtedly will miss the adrenaline rush I get from preproduction and production.

So, while I wait, I work, job hunt and catch up on my Mad Men episodes (love, love, love that show).

Here We Go

Today was my first insemination!

It has been a roller coaster of a month. First I switched fertility clinics. I probably chose the wrong one (a huge, impersonal "factory" in Beverly Hills) but once I was in the door there was no turning back. That's when I found out how truly expensive this was going to be. Then, the day he was due to come to Los Angeles to donate his specimen, my Donor backed out. Like, completely. I am proud that there were barely any tears on my end, but I will admit to a guilt email and phone call to encourage him to reconsider. Then there were talks with lawyers and new agreements to draft. Then my donor came back on board (hallelujah!) and we signed the agreement. Then fertility meds. Then shots and bloodwork and ultrasounds and pillls to take and a shot to trigger ovulation. Then insemination days. Today and tomorrow.

Today I was up at the crack of dawn to get myself to the clinic by 7am, and on the way there I was having all sorts of doubts and fears about going through with it. But at the ultrasound, the technician told me I have two juicy follicles ready to go, and I got a huge smile on my face!

The whole experience has been surreal. I can't even let myself think about actually being pregnant and having a baby for fear that this cycle won't "take" or if it does take, fear of a miscarriage. But then once in a while a thought creeps through and I get super giddy and excited about the possibility. Then there are the obligatory "what the hell am I thinking" moments? I would say I vascillate all day long, every day, between joy, anxiety, stress, fear and hope. The way I figure it, if there is more joy and hope than anxiety, stress and fear, then I am coming out ahead.

Mostly, though, I am exhausted. I know, I know, this is only the beginning of the exhaustion if this all works out. But let me tell you, it is only my first cycle and my life has been turned upside down by all the early morning appointments, drug protocols, financial issues etc. I don't know how people do this for multiple cycles, trying for month after month or year after year, with each procedure more invasive and expensive than the last. I know that for me, I probably won't be able to afford another cycle. I will have to wait it out and see how I feel in 2 weeks. It really is emotionally and physically quite taxing.

It's funny because for the most part I have grieved the loss of the nuclear family, and I am comfortable with the idea of raising a child on my own. But when I go to the clinic and I see all the married women with their husbands, I get those jealousy pangs again. Frankly, though, I also get jealous when a married woman shows up with her mom or her sister, since I don't have those, either. So, I suppose I will just have to get used to it, because I really want to have a baby and I know that this is pretty much my only chance.

But no pressure or anything.

Well, it only took 8 months but I am finally just about finished with all the testing. Had the HSG and ultrasound last week - looks good and only cost over $1,000 (yikes!). Next week is the progesterone test. Of course, because my original blood tests were 8 months ago, I have to re-do them to make sure the numbers still look good.

I'm in the process of drafting an agreement for Airplane Baby Daddy and I to sign. I also hired a private investigator to do a little digging (to make sure he's not some crazy criminal). I also broke up with Alpha and Beta (by email, which I admit was a total chickenshit move, but I just couldn't bare to do it in person).

Overall, things are moving forward.

The biggest stressers are (a) finances and (b) my dad.

I am currently working very inconsistently. The job market is bad and although I am looking for something longer term and more stable, the reality is that I will probably still be a freelancer when (if) I get pregnant. Of course, once pregnant my chances of getting a full time salaried job are nil. And of course, I may have mentioned that my insurance covers NONE of these fertility tests or treatment. Zilch. I'm on my own there. So, my credit card debt is rising and my income is zero at the moment, and this is obviously hugely stressful for me. I have already spent close to two thousand bucks on tests and dr appointments, and I haven't even started TRYING to conceive yet. I am trying to stay calm, and tell myself that these things are necessary and I CANNOT wait another year to get myself financially stable. People keep telling me that there is never an ideal time to have a baby, even under the best of circumstances, and that I just have to go for it and it will work itself out. I know that I have the earning potential, I just haven't realized that potential yet. Hopefully it's not too late for me (earning potential wise and baby-making wise).

A few months ago I told my Dad my plans and it did not go well. I won't get into the specifics because he is sensitive about me posting any private information on the web. I will say that it is an ongoing stresser for me and I wish things were better in that area.

I have kind of worked myself into a tizzy over all the fears and stresses....but then I also have moments of excitement that make me realize it is the right decision for me. I can't wait to take my child to the farmers market and let him or her taste a plum for the first time. It's the little moments that give me the most encouragement. I know that I can enrich a child's life and raise a good human being. I just hope to be given the chance.