Fake Out or Flip Out or Nod Out? 11dp6dt

Since my last post I went through another round of IVF with my own eggs.  I re-tested my hormone levels and they were much better (still not "normal" but not nearly as psychotic as before).  Inhibin B was 46 (should be greater than 45), FSH was 11 (should be below 10, but this is obviously way better than 17), and my antral follicle count was 12, which is higher than it has ever been before.  My doctor told me that egg donation still gives me the best chance but if I were his wife he would have her go for it based on my AFC.  He called it a hunch and I started injectibles that day. 

I produced 5 eggs - 1 excellent quality, 2 good quality and 2 poor.  The first 3 fertilized. Egg #4 (the poor one) developed a polar body on Day 2 so we fertilized it as well, and it divided.  In the end, 1 egg made it to blastocyst on Day 6 and poor old #4 made it to Day 5.  The others didn't make it.  We implanted #s 1 and 4 11 days ago.  I go in for my beta tomorrow.

I am totally flipped out.  Last Friday I started having the kind of cramping I get when my period was about to start, and I spent the night a weepy mess, thinking it was all over. Then over the weekend I started to convince myself that the continued cramping could be a positive sign, not a negative one (based on some very unscientific internet research).  My boobs are also super tender but that could be a result of the progesterone and/or estrogen I'm on.  Basically my "symptoms" are faking me out. 

When I was in summer camp growing up, our Olympic Games always came on the 8th week of camp. We knew within a few days when it would start - but the counselors almost always staged at least one Fake Out before the real Break Out.  We were all on pins and needles for days, not knowing if this would be the day it all started, or if we would just get all excited for no reason. 

This sort of feels like that.  Except that I couldn't play sports and wasn't competitve, so I actually preferred the Fake Outs to the Breakouts, since I preferred regular camp life to Olympic Camp Life.

Ironic, huh.

I am just so terrified of bad news tomorrow.  I have let my guard down a bit and gotten my hopes up that these symptoms mean I could be pregnant.  I have even started to fantasize about telling people around Christmastime.  I normally don't even let myself go there.  These symptoms have really messed with my head this time around.

If it's bad news I will need to seriously face the music that it is over.  I don't know how I"m going to process it.  I do know that I will need to get back in shape and get more serious about moving my career along.  I'm going to have to make those 2 things my top priority, and put baby making on a backburner or maybe even pack it away forever.  I'm so not ready to do that, but I am out of money and there really is no other way to keep trying, unless I go back to trying the old-fashioned way with Mr. D.  Maybe I'll do that.  My doctor tells me there's a less than 1% chance but I suppose it's better than zero percent.

I'm just really scared. I can't think straight. I had what almost amounted to an anxiety attack today at work.  I can't concentrate. I just keep playing computer games to try to stay busy, since I know that productivity is gone until at least Thursday. 

I'm wondering if I should take tomorrow afternoon off if I get bad news.  Maybe take a drive out to the beach with my dog, or go on a long hike. But I know I won't do it.  I'll probably just sit in my office and cry, feel sorry for myself and sulk.

But I write all of this and I still hope, I pray, I wish, I BEG, for the news to be positive. 

I know I could have tested at home starting several days ago, but I just don't want to be the bearer of my own bad news.

I just don't know how many defeats I can face.

Huh

OK, I SWORE that I was not going to become one of these people who become obsessed with her medical stats and speaks in sentences like "During my ttc I was hoping for a BFP but when AF arrived my HPT was BFN". Like, HUH?! What the hell.

But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.

As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:

My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.

First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.

So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.

So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!

So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.

Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!