Since my last post I went through another round of IVF with my own eggs. I re-tested my hormone levels and they were much better (still not "normal" but not nearly as psychotic as before). Inhibin B was 46 (should be greater than 45), FSH was 11 (should be below 10, but this is obviously way better than 17), and my antral follicle count was 12, which is higher than it has ever been before. My doctor told me that egg donation still gives me the best chance but if I were his wife he would have her go for it based on my AFC. He called it a hunch and I started injectibles that day.
I produced 5 eggs - 1 excellent quality, 2 good quality and 2 poor. The first 3 fertilized. Egg #4 (the poor one) developed a polar body on Day 2 so we fertilized it as well, and it divided. In the end, 1 egg made it to blastocyst on Day 6 and poor old #4 made it to Day 5. The others didn't make it. We implanted #s 1 and 4 11 days ago. I go in for my beta tomorrow.
I am totally flipped out. Last Friday I started having the kind of cramping I get when my period was about to start, and I spent the night a weepy mess, thinking it was all over. Then over the weekend I started to convince myself that the continued cramping could be a positive sign, not a negative one (based on some very unscientific internet research). My boobs are also super tender but that could be a result of the progesterone and/or estrogen I'm on. Basically my "symptoms" are faking me out.
When I was in summer camp growing up, our Olympic Games always came on the 8th week of camp. We knew within a few days when it would start - but the counselors almost always staged at least one Fake Out before the real Break Out. We were all on pins and needles for days, not knowing if this would be the day it all started, or if we would just get all excited for no reason.
This sort of feels like that. Except that I couldn't play sports and wasn't competitve, so I actually preferred the Fake Outs to the Breakouts, since I preferred regular camp life to Olympic Camp Life.
Ironic, huh.
I am just so terrified of bad news tomorrow. I have let my guard down a bit and gotten my hopes up that these symptoms mean I could be pregnant. I have even started to fantasize about telling people around Christmastime. I normally don't even let myself go there. These symptoms have really messed with my head this time around.
If it's bad news I will need to seriously face the music that it is over. I don't know how I"m going to process it. I do know that I will need to get back in shape and get more serious about moving my career along. I'm going to have to make those 2 things my top priority, and put baby making on a backburner or maybe even pack it away forever. I'm so not ready to do that, but I am out of money and there really is no other way to keep trying, unless I go back to trying the old-fashioned way with Mr. D. Maybe I'll do that. My doctor tells me there's a less than 1% chance but I suppose it's better than zero percent.
I'm just really scared. I can't think straight. I had what almost amounted to an anxiety attack today at work. I can't concentrate. I just keep playing computer games to try to stay busy, since I know that productivity is gone until at least Thursday.
I'm wondering if I should take tomorrow afternoon off if I get bad news. Maybe take a drive out to the beach with my dog, or go on a long hike. But I know I won't do it. I'll probably just sit in my office and cry, feel sorry for myself and sulk.
But I write all of this and I still hope, I pray, I wish, I BEG, for the news to be positive.
I know I could have tested at home starting several days ago, but I just don't want to be the bearer of my own bad news.
I just don't know how many defeats I can face.
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ttc. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
An Unlikely Affair
It appears that I am having an affair with the father of my future child. I suppose there's not too many people out there who would call this circumstance unusual, but in my very odd and sometimes backwards life, this was not part of the plan.
For those of you who know me in person and/or think of me as an asexual being, you might want to skip this post. Also this post is really long so apologies to those with short attention spans. Finally, it'd be great if whoever reads this refrains from judging me or Mr. D. Thanks :-)
It all started back in June, after my failed IVF. My Donor (Mr. D -trying out that nickname) suggested we try things the natural way before I go and blow another $20k on more treatments. I hesitated. We've known each other for a year but had never been intimate in any way, nor did we really think of each other in those terms (at least I didn't). We had in the past tried a very awkward at-home insemination at his office using a cup and needle less syringe. When it came to June, though, he balked at doing it that way again. Sort of like a guy who complains about having to use a condom (they take away all the sensation!), he complained about having to do the deed into a cup (it's so clinical and impersonal!). After only a small amount of encouragement, I agreed to go forth and multiply the natural, old-fashioned way.
When I arrived for our first official skin to skin contact session, I was a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be?). I always thought of him as good looking and kind, but I just didn't ever allow myself to think of him in a sexual way, because we had this very businesslike contract and quite a bit at stake for the future. Add to this the fact that (a) I hadn't had sex in over two years (!), (b) he was involved with someone else (more on that in a minute), (c) everyone knows that sex complicates things, and (d) if things went bad I would lose my potential Baby Daddy, and I was understandably terrified. Although I don't drink at all, I immediately took him up on an offer for a drink, and we went to a nearby watering hole where I drank half a glass of red wine and felt flushed and relaxed within minutes. Within a half hour after that, we were back at his office where he had set up music and candles. I let him initiate because I was frankly too freaked out - I mean, were we supposed to kiss? Should there be foreplay and if so, how much? Is this something we should enjoy and make tender or is it something much more businesslike?
Luckily he took very nice care of me and made it as easy, warm and as comfortable as possible given the awkward circumstances. He started with a big bear hug which led to a kiss and so on and so on. As he wrote me later, it was a very sweet and tender moment with a good purpose.
I left that day feeling more connected to him but still in a non-romantic way. When I got my BFN from that cycle, I started thinking about trying again. On my 2nd trip up, he got us a hotel room next to the airport where we frolicked with more ease and comfort than before. However, he told me that he was having problems at home because his girlfriend suspected something was up.
This was obviously a huge issue for both of us but obviously more so for him. When he first suggested sleeping together many months back, we were both single but I declined and said it was better, safer and overall healthier if we went through doctors. But when he suggested it in June, I was at the end of my rope with all the failures of IUIs and IVFs and decided it was time to give it a go. However, by then he was seeing another woman. She knew of my existence and the IVF attempt and understandably wasn't happy about any of it. She apparently had been so upset before my IVF that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks. I know for sure that she felt threatened by me, and frankly I felt threatened by her, not because of any romantic interest in her boyfriend, but because she might convince him to back out of our arrangement.
So before we slept together, I was in a moral quandry about what to do. I admit that I was blinded by my desperation from all my BFNs and probably did not use good judgment, and I am not proud of what I did. But at the time I felt that I HAD to do it. We discussed whether he would tell her and ultimately he decided not to. He repeatedly assured me that whatever happens is his responsibility 100% and I would not be to blame. I think he knew in the back of his mind that he was not fully committed to this woman, and being with me was a way to face that for himself.
Back to that hotel room in July. He told me that she must have read his emails that morning because he sensed she knew I was coming to town. He knew there would be trouble waiting for him at home that night and was starting to take more serious stock in what was happening with their relationship. I kept my distance for a while and ultimately it appears she decided to overlook her suspicions.
At that point I would say that our physical chemistry was good and we were definitely growing closer. When I got my BFN that month, I have to admit I was actually looking forward to going up there again to see him.
It's the third time that changed things for me. This time I actually drove up north, and got to his office at around 9pm. Let me tell you, this time our chemistry was sizzling hot. There was no small talk, no awkward exchanges. We just got right to the point. When I jokingly asked him "how was your day?" as we were getting dressed, he told me that he thought the girlfriend hired a private investigator or was otherwise spying on him, because she seemed to know again that I was coming to town, even though we had only made the arrangements earlier that same day. He seemed to sense that he was in big trouble and that the end was near with her.
I stayed with a friend in the city that night, and the next day, after my morning romp with Mr. D, we went to get coffee and something inside me changed. At that moment, it occurred to me that I was starting to have actual real feelings for him. Suddenly I didn't understand why I never let myself go there mentally before. I mean, we had a million things in common, got along really well, had great chemistry, and were already trying for a bambino. It also occurred to me that for the first time, I was feeling more than just threatened by the girlfriend. I was feeling jealous of her. And I was secretly hoping she did know about us so that she would break up with him. I was also feeling like a home wrecker, which made me feel a bizarre combination of guilt, mortification and giddiness.
Luckily these feelings began to fade within a few days, and I decided that I must have just been caught up in the moment of the sex, the secrecy and the uniqueness of our situation.
About two weeks later I found out that he and the girlfriend did in fact break up. He reassured me that I was not to blame, that it was 100% his fault, and that he has learned a lot about himself and what he wants from this experience. I was relieved, not just that they broke up but that I was absolved from blame. Mostly, though, I was relieved that I would not be competing for his sperm anymore, in the sense that I want to be the only Baby Mama out there until my bambino comes along.
The most devastating day for me in this whole TTC process came less than 2 weeks ago, when my RE told me about my very bad hormone levels, and suggested that I look into donor eggs. As I've written in prior blog posts, this news hit me so incredibly hard and touched on all sorts of issues relating to my parents and my life. When I reached out to Mr. D, he couldn't have been sweeter. This prompted some emails and phone calls where we decided to go on a little getaway together. Even though my RE told me that I would have less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, we decided to pretend otherwise and just get away together. He was going to fly his plane down the coast and I was going to drive up, and we would meet in the middle.
I was really looking forward to the getaway. My friends all noted that this story is turning into a romantic comedy of epic proportions, and I started to let myself get excited of the possibility of a real romantic connection between me and my newly single sperm donor.
We did in fact meet up this past weekend, and though it was lovely in some ways, I realize that trying to turn us into a couple is like putting a square peg into a round hole - it just doesn't fit. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but we just don't have a romantic connection in that way. Maybe the expectations were too high, or the girlfriend breakup is too fresh, or more likely, it just isn't meant to be. That's not to say that things are ending (whatever "things" are), but ultimately I know in my heart that this is not going to be some fairy tale ending of us living happily ever in a big house with a bambino and a great love.
In fact I admit that I came back from the trip a little bit depressed. It's that old saying "a taste of honey's worse than none at all." All this time I've been single and absolutely fine with that. But now I've gotten a little tiny taste of intimacy, and realize how much I am missing it in my life and how much I want to find it with someone I truly connect with. I know it will ultimately be up to me to try to find that in my life, and although now is definitely not the time for me, I hope that the future will allow me a bigger taste of romantic love that even finds its way to a fairytale happy ending.
And that's where things stand in my convoluted world of romance and bambino making. Stay tuned for the next chapter.
For those of you who know me in person and/or think of me as an asexual being, you might want to skip this post. Also this post is really long so apologies to those with short attention spans. Finally, it'd be great if whoever reads this refrains from judging me or Mr. D. Thanks :-)
It all started back in June, after my failed IVF. My Donor (Mr. D -trying out that nickname) suggested we try things the natural way before I go and blow another $20k on more treatments. I hesitated. We've known each other for a year but had never been intimate in any way, nor did we really think of each other in those terms (at least I didn't). We had in the past tried a very awkward at-home insemination at his office using a cup and needle less syringe. When it came to June, though, he balked at doing it that way again. Sort of like a guy who complains about having to use a condom (they take away all the sensation!), he complained about having to do the deed into a cup (it's so clinical and impersonal!). After only a small amount of encouragement, I agreed to go forth and multiply the natural, old-fashioned way.
When I arrived for our first official skin to skin contact session, I was a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be?). I always thought of him as good looking and kind, but I just didn't ever allow myself to think of him in a sexual way, because we had this very businesslike contract and quite a bit at stake for the future. Add to this the fact that (a) I hadn't had sex in over two years (!), (b) he was involved with someone else (more on that in a minute), (c) everyone knows that sex complicates things, and (d) if things went bad I would lose my potential Baby Daddy, and I was understandably terrified. Although I don't drink at all, I immediately took him up on an offer for a drink, and we went to a nearby watering hole where I drank half a glass of red wine and felt flushed and relaxed within minutes. Within a half hour after that, we were back at his office where he had set up music and candles. I let him initiate because I was frankly too freaked out - I mean, were we supposed to kiss? Should there be foreplay and if so, how much? Is this something we should enjoy and make tender or is it something much more businesslike?
Luckily he took very nice care of me and made it as easy, warm and as comfortable as possible given the awkward circumstances. He started with a big bear hug which led to a kiss and so on and so on. As he wrote me later, it was a very sweet and tender moment with a good purpose.
I left that day feeling more connected to him but still in a non-romantic way. When I got my BFN from that cycle, I started thinking about trying again. On my 2nd trip up, he got us a hotel room next to the airport where we frolicked with more ease and comfort than before. However, he told me that he was having problems at home because his girlfriend suspected something was up.
This was obviously a huge issue for both of us but obviously more so for him. When he first suggested sleeping together many months back, we were both single but I declined and said it was better, safer and overall healthier if we went through doctors. But when he suggested it in June, I was at the end of my rope with all the failures of IUIs and IVFs and decided it was time to give it a go. However, by then he was seeing another woman. She knew of my existence and the IVF attempt and understandably wasn't happy about any of it. She apparently had been so upset before my IVF that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks. I know for sure that she felt threatened by me, and frankly I felt threatened by her, not because of any romantic interest in her boyfriend, but because she might convince him to back out of our arrangement.
So before we slept together, I was in a moral quandry about what to do. I admit that I was blinded by my desperation from all my BFNs and probably did not use good judgment, and I am not proud of what I did. But at the time I felt that I HAD to do it. We discussed whether he would tell her and ultimately he decided not to. He repeatedly assured me that whatever happens is his responsibility 100% and I would not be to blame. I think he knew in the back of his mind that he was not fully committed to this woman, and being with me was a way to face that for himself.
Back to that hotel room in July. He told me that she must have read his emails that morning because he sensed she knew I was coming to town. He knew there would be trouble waiting for him at home that night and was starting to take more serious stock in what was happening with their relationship. I kept my distance for a while and ultimately it appears she decided to overlook her suspicions.
At that point I would say that our physical chemistry was good and we were definitely growing closer. When I got my BFN that month, I have to admit I was actually looking forward to going up there again to see him.
It's the third time that changed things for me. This time I actually drove up north, and got to his office at around 9pm. Let me tell you, this time our chemistry was sizzling hot. There was no small talk, no awkward exchanges. We just got right to the point. When I jokingly asked him "how was your day?" as we were getting dressed, he told me that he thought the girlfriend hired a private investigator or was otherwise spying on him, because she seemed to know again that I was coming to town, even though we had only made the arrangements earlier that same day. He seemed to sense that he was in big trouble and that the end was near with her.
I stayed with a friend in the city that night, and the next day, after my morning romp with Mr. D, we went to get coffee and something inside me changed. At that moment, it occurred to me that I was starting to have actual real feelings for him. Suddenly I didn't understand why I never let myself go there mentally before. I mean, we had a million things in common, got along really well, had great chemistry, and were already trying for a bambino. It also occurred to me that for the first time, I was feeling more than just threatened by the girlfriend. I was feeling jealous of her. And I was secretly hoping she did know about us so that she would break up with him. I was also feeling like a home wrecker, which made me feel a bizarre combination of guilt, mortification and giddiness.
Luckily these feelings began to fade within a few days, and I decided that I must have just been caught up in the moment of the sex, the secrecy and the uniqueness of our situation.
About two weeks later I found out that he and the girlfriend did in fact break up. He reassured me that I was not to blame, that it was 100% his fault, and that he has learned a lot about himself and what he wants from this experience. I was relieved, not just that they broke up but that I was absolved from blame. Mostly, though, I was relieved that I would not be competing for his sperm anymore, in the sense that I want to be the only Baby Mama out there until my bambino comes along.
The most devastating day for me in this whole TTC process came less than 2 weeks ago, when my RE told me about my very bad hormone levels, and suggested that I look into donor eggs. As I've written in prior blog posts, this news hit me so incredibly hard and touched on all sorts of issues relating to my parents and my life. When I reached out to Mr. D, he couldn't have been sweeter. This prompted some emails and phone calls where we decided to go on a little getaway together. Even though my RE told me that I would have less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, we decided to pretend otherwise and just get away together. He was going to fly his plane down the coast and I was going to drive up, and we would meet in the middle.
I was really looking forward to the getaway. My friends all noted that this story is turning into a romantic comedy of epic proportions, and I started to let myself get excited of the possibility of a real romantic connection between me and my newly single sperm donor.
We did in fact meet up this past weekend, and though it was lovely in some ways, I realize that trying to turn us into a couple is like putting a square peg into a round hole - it just doesn't fit. I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but we just don't have a romantic connection in that way. Maybe the expectations were too high, or the girlfriend breakup is too fresh, or more likely, it just isn't meant to be. That's not to say that things are ending (whatever "things" are), but ultimately I know in my heart that this is not going to be some fairy tale ending of us living happily ever in a big house with a bambino and a great love.
In fact I admit that I came back from the trip a little bit depressed. It's that old saying "a taste of honey's worse than none at all." All this time I've been single and absolutely fine with that. But now I've gotten a little tiny taste of intimacy, and realize how much I am missing it in my life and how much I want to find it with someone I truly connect with. I know it will ultimately be up to me to try to find that in my life, and although now is definitely not the time for me, I hope that the future will allow me a bigger taste of romantic love that even finds its way to a fairytale happy ending.
And that's where things stand in my convoluted world of romance and bambino making. Stay tuned for the next chapter.
 |
| Pismo Beach. |
Sunday, February 13, 2011
If the TTC journey is filled with ups and downs, I'm definitely in a down.
I have to admit, things are not so good right now.
I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.
But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.
So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.
Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).
I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.
And that's when everything fell apart.
She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).
Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.
Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.
So basically, I'm a mess.
I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.
As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.
And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.
I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.
But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.
So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.
Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).
I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.
And that's when everything fell apart.
She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).
Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.
Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.
So basically, I'm a mess.
I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.
As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.
And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Huh
OK, I SWORE that I was not going to become one of these people who become obsessed with her medical stats and speaks in sentences like "During my ttc I was hoping for a BFP but when AF arrived my HPT was BFN". Like, HUH?! What the hell.
But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.
As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:
My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.
First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.
So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.
So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!
So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.
Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!
But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.
As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:
My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.
First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.
So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.
So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!
So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.
Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!
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