It's been a nutty month or so. In a quick nutshell - my car finally died (may she rest in peace, sweet '94 MBZ with awesome automated seatbelts affectionately named Vern and George); I took over use of a family member's car; and said "new" car became the sandwich meat inside a 3-car pileup (with me and my dog inside). The dog and I are OK but the car has seen better days. Said new car is now in the shop for what feels like an eternity.
In other news, I am now working 2 temp jobs - last week was a 90+ hour week. The 2nd temp job is temporary (really) so I should only have to keep up the schedule for at most another week. I am officially leading a double life - call me Donna Draper or Clarkina Kent. Well, except I'm not saving the world - just working on saving myself right now!
In bambino news, I am still not pregnant after a THIRD trip to San Francisco 2 weeks ago for some implantation a naturale (s-e-x). The s-e-x is complicating things for sure but now that I have a bit of distance I am putting that all aside for now because I'm honestly just too busy and tired to think about it. More on that later for sure.
But, I think it is finally hitting me that I just may be infertile. It's only taken a YEAR of nonstop BFNs and 2 birthdays involving the number 4 for me to figure this out. I guess when you really want something you don't let reality get in the way. Or something. I don't know how I will cope if I can't have a baby of my own. I just don't know.
So tomorrow I go back to my RE to begin the showdown for IVF #2. The final frontier.
Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Who is to blame? (Don't answer)
Geez, I really don't want this blog to become the most depressing place on earth.....but unfortunately I don't have good news to share.
I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.
I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.
Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.
I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.
I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.
I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.
Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.
I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Desperation Comes in the Form of Urine of Post-Menopausal Nuns
It continues to be a long road, and I am resisting the urge to post all the gory and mostly negative details on here. The brief rundown is that I have switched fertility clinics, had 2 more IUIs and 2 more negative results. I am now one of these people who injects herself with hormones and spends all her money ($15,000 so far, no joke) on fertility doctors, meds and procedures. It's been a trip to say the least.
This month I will be giving myself not one, but TWO shots each day, one of which is made from, get this, the urine of post-menopausal nuns. Yes, you read that right. Now, why post-menopausal nuns hold the secret to fertility, I will never know.
There is some irony in me injecting myself with nun urine, though. When I was a freshman in college, I became very friendly with a group of 4 other girls, all of whom were, shall we say, inexperienced in the bedroom. Basically, we were all losers in high school and none of us ever had a boyfriend. Instead of going out and partying till dawn every night, we stayed in our dorm room and made up dorky dances to Cat Stevens music. Soon enough, we became known as "The Convent." The five of us remained close friends and roommates, and still have Convent Reunions once a year. Though we have all broken the sacred convent vow of chastity, and most have gone on to have boyfriends, girlfriends and/or children, some of us (ahem, me) are still single. At this point, I may actually be a born-again virgin. Or something. So in my heart, I am still a nun and therefore could be a prime candidate for making Menapur and helping others have babies. Wait.
This month I will be giving myself not one, but TWO shots each day, one of which is made from, get this, the urine of post-menopausal nuns. Yes, you read that right. Now, why post-menopausal nuns hold the secret to fertility, I will never know.
There is some irony in me injecting myself with nun urine, though. When I was a freshman in college, I became very friendly with a group of 4 other girls, all of whom were, shall we say, inexperienced in the bedroom. Basically, we were all losers in high school and none of us ever had a boyfriend. Instead of going out and partying till dawn every night, we stayed in our dorm room and made up dorky dances to Cat Stevens music. Soon enough, we became known as "The Convent." The five of us remained close friends and roommates, and still have Convent Reunions once a year. Though we have all broken the sacred convent vow of chastity, and most have gone on to have boyfriends, girlfriends and/or children, some of us (ahem, me) are still single. At this point, I may actually be a born-again virgin. Or something. So in my heart, I am still a nun and therefore could be a prime candidate for making Menapur and helping others have babies. Wait.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
The Process
Today was my first real appointment to discuss my medical options. So exciting and scary and exhausting.
The first step is to find out, given my age, if I'm still even able to have children and what the status of my fertility is. There are a gazillion tests, as follows:
1. A progesterone test -- which is a blood test to be taken 7-days after ovulation. I have to go buy myself an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. The goal is to have between 3-10 nanograms of progesterone.
2. An FSH Test and estrodial test, which is a blood test which I took today (Day 3 of my cycle). I'll get results next week.
3. I will need to take a chlamydia and gonorrhea test from my regular obgyn. I will also need other blood tests such as thyroid, prolacitn, blood chemistry, STD test, chidhood antibody tests and a urinalysis.
4. HSG test -- to do next month, during days 4-8 of my cycle. I have to take antibiotics the day before, day of and day after to rpevent infection. This is the test where they insert a dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages.
5. I will need a "formal ultrasound" to be performed by a radiologist.
6. Genetics testing from a genetic counselor. There are 3 places to go -- UCLA, cedars and 1 other private place. This person looks at my family and medical history (and that of the sperm donor) and talks to me specifically about testing for cystic fibrosis and downs syndrome, including taking a CVS screening (done in the 1st trimester) and amnio (2nd trimester).
Other info I got today: The miscarriage rate of women past age of 40 is 1 in 3.
If IUI (turkey baster method) isn't going to work, they can do a Clomid IUI (clomid is a fertility drug), and then there is yet one more option before going to IVF.
I need to look into the California Cryobank, which is where they would process the sperm I end up using.
Now, all this mechanical stuff is all well and good, but if I don't have a "bio-dad" then I can't really move forward. I have a letter drafted to my friend R to ask him to be a donor but I am scared to send it. I have known and been friends with R for 20 years and I have always thought of him as a possible donor. I asked him 2 years ago and he told me that he didn't think he wanted to have kids anymore.....but I'm going to ask him again in a letter and this time offer him the option of either being involved or just being a donor. I'm scared to send the letter because I don't know what I'll do if he says no. You see, I know in my heart that I want a known donor, not an anonymous one. I want my child (should I have one) to know who his or her father is, een if there's no father-child relationship. I don't want the genetics to be a mystery. I don't care how complicated it is -- I want there to be a 2nd person involved in som way.
I'm too tired to keep writing. Not sleepy, just exhausted mentally. So much to think about and I know that my "thinking" time is running out and soon it is do or die.
The first step is to find out, given my age, if I'm still even able to have children and what the status of my fertility is. There are a gazillion tests, as follows:
1. A progesterone test -- which is a blood test to be taken 7-days after ovulation. I have to go buy myself an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. The goal is to have between 3-10 nanograms of progesterone.
2. An FSH Test and estrodial test, which is a blood test which I took today (Day 3 of my cycle). I'll get results next week.
3. I will need to take a chlamydia and gonorrhea test from my regular obgyn. I will also need other blood tests such as thyroid, prolacitn, blood chemistry, STD test, chidhood antibody tests and a urinalysis.
4. HSG test -- to do next month, during days 4-8 of my cycle. I have to take antibiotics the day before, day of and day after to rpevent infection. This is the test where they insert a dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages.
5. I will need a "formal ultrasound" to be performed by a radiologist.
6. Genetics testing from a genetic counselor. There are 3 places to go -- UCLA, cedars and 1 other private place. This person looks at my family and medical history (and that of the sperm donor) and talks to me specifically about testing for cystic fibrosis and downs syndrome, including taking a CVS screening (done in the 1st trimester) and amnio (2nd trimester).
Other info I got today: The miscarriage rate of women past age of 40 is 1 in 3.
If IUI (turkey baster method) isn't going to work, they can do a Clomid IUI (clomid is a fertility drug), and then there is yet one more option before going to IVF.
I need to look into the California Cryobank, which is where they would process the sperm I end up using.
Now, all this mechanical stuff is all well and good, but if I don't have a "bio-dad" then I can't really move forward. I have a letter drafted to my friend R to ask him to be a donor but I am scared to send it. I have known and been friends with R for 20 years and I have always thought of him as a possible donor. I asked him 2 years ago and he told me that he didn't think he wanted to have kids anymore.....but I'm going to ask him again in a letter and this time offer him the option of either being involved or just being a donor. I'm scared to send the letter because I don't know what I'll do if he says no. You see, I know in my heart that I want a known donor, not an anonymous one. I want my child (should I have one) to know who his or her father is, een if there's no father-child relationship. I don't want the genetics to be a mystery. I don't care how complicated it is -- I want there to be a 2nd person involved in som way.
I'm too tired to keep writing. Not sleepy, just exhausted mentally. So much to think about and I know that my "thinking" time is running out and soon it is do or die.
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