Well I finally got some good news. Not on the baby front, but still, good news is always welcome!! A film that I co-produced last year had it's world premiere at a major film festival a few weeks ago, and it ended up doing REALLY well. Like, REALLY well! We won almost all the awards, including the Grand Jury Award and the Audience Award. This was a micro-budget film shot in a small Texas town with nothing but blood, sweat and tears, so it was so nice to get such a positive response. The best part was getting to meet Roger Ebert, who was on the jury and loved the film. He gave me (or the film) a big thumbs up and has really championed the film at the festival and on his twitter feed. I even got to take a picture with him! We also got a really good review in Variety. Variety!

After all these months of just spending money with no good results, it felt so amazing to just get away from it all and focus on something else. The festival was a lot of fun and I saw a lot of really good movies. I think I needed a kick in the pants to remind me that I still do love movies. What happens next with the film is anyone's guess, but either way it was very validating to be a part of a film that I can actually be proud of (I've made some real stinkers in the past).

Oh, and in order to make sure my head doesn't get too big, I came back to LA and straight to my boring temp job in a windowless room. But I don't care, because it's a job and it's money and I'm beyond thankful to have it.

OK, back to baby stuff. IUI #4 was a bust, so I'm moving on to IVF. A few minor obstacles, however:

1. $$$$. 'Nuff said.

2. I have a cyst so my doctor wants me to wait another month before beginning. He says that with time the cyst should dissolve, and if it doesn't he will have to drain it (more $$ and time, ugh). It is so frustrating! I'll be 41 in 2 months so every month lost feels like a freaking lifetime.

3. My Known Donor (I call him Airplane Baby Daddy since he owns his own airplane) told me yesterday that he has a new girlfriend.

Let's go back to #3, shall we? Yes, a new girlfriend who wants to have her own kids. He told me that he intends to continue on with me......but I know how it goes. Once he gets serious enough with her, and she tells him she's uncomfortable with the arrangement, it's Bye Bye Baby Daddy. Unfortunately I used up all of his samples on IUI #4 so there is nothing in the bank. The doctor wants to use a fresh (rather than frozen) sample this time, which means having to wait until mid-May at the earliest to get him into town and get his sample. Which gives him that much more time to back out! So, I'm trying not to freak out about this. There's nothing I can do if he changes his mind. I guess I'm going to start looking at "backup" anonymous donors just in case.

Oh and just to add another layer of ridiculousness, today I decided to treat myself to a candy bar (Bit O Honey). Chewy, chewy, chewy. Next thing know, I lost half a tooth.

Yup.

I’m a big sister to three wonderful and much younger half-brothers, ages 17, 14 and 10. So for the past 17 years, I have been closer than an “aunt” but not quite the mother (obviously). For the past 8 ½ of those years, I have lived 20 minutes away from them, and have seen them no less than once a week. For several years, I helped their mother out with what I referred to as “nanny duty” – picking them up from school, taking them to their afternoon activities, and generally helping out with mom-type stuff.

I love my brothers – they are fun, strong, interesting and multi-talented. And they love me dearly, I know that.

But.

It is hard to be “nanny” to children not your own, when you are in your 30s and know that you are really kind of “faking” motherhood. By mid-30s, most women have their own husbands and children. So I find myself in a strange and awkward position when I am at their school or around their friends – I am not one of the moms, nor am I one of the nannies/babysitters. I have met several of the mothers but would not call them “friends”. I always feel like somewhat of a fraud when I’m around the other moms – it is kind of hard to explain because I don’t think there are too many of me out there. Sure, there are mixed families – but I am 30 (yes, thirty!) years older than my youngest brother, as old as (or older than) many of the other moms.

I love doing the mom stuff, and I love being around my brothers – but for some reason which I can’t exactly articulate, I always end up feeling not quite right, not quite good about myself. I always end up feeling “less than.” I look at my life and think to myself – how exactly did I end up here, an outsider in yet another world?

Yesterday was a good example. I was picking up my brother (14) from swim practice at his school. I had my dog with me (he is kind of my permanent companion these days, especially since I am unemployed). I got out of the car and realized that there are no dogs allowed on the campus. So I stayed back, watching the swim practice from a distance….hearing all the kids, coaches and parents cheer on their kids. It was an odd sensation, feeling not quite welcome (because of the dog) yet knowing that my feeling of displacement was, well, displaced. I have spent countless hours on that school campus over the years, I know my way around and probably would have even recognized some of the kids and parents. Yet I felt this strange sensation of not belonging, that I really should just go back and wait in the car.

That feeling of not belonging seems to plague me. I feel that way when I go to bars or clubs (yuck), when I go to temple (which I stopped doing a few years ago because of how out of place I felt), when I’m working in a law firm (I’m faking it, people!), and when I am on a film set (I’m older than all you people!). There is always this nagging feeling that I don’t quite belong anywhere.

And I know I could have easily just left the dog in the car and gone to participate in the swim meet. Why I didn't do that, I can't really say. I do know that I am feeling very attached to and dependent on my dog these days. I know, he doesn't speak English and isn't a person or a spouse or a child, but he has become my little companion and I don't like to be without him. Being around him (and all dogs really) gives me a sense of calm and contentment that I don't really have in the other parts of my life right now. So, instead of joining in the fun and games, I stayed back and watched from a distance.

That might be something I should work on.

Who is to blame? (Don't answer)

Geez, I really don't want this blog to become the most depressing place on earth.....but unfortunately I don't have good news to share.

I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.

I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.

Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.

I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.

If the TTC journey is filled with ups and downs, I'm definitely in a down.

I have to admit, things are not so good right now.

I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.

But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.

So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.

Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).

I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.

And that's when everything fell apart.

She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).

Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.

Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.

So basically, I'm a mess.

I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.

As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.

And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.

One of the Biggest Cliches of Them All

Let's confront one of the biggest and baddest cliches about single mothers out there - that we all women with all-consuming, high paying, fulfilling careers that just never made time to focus on relationships.

WRONG.

We're not all straight out of an '80s movie, wearing boxy suits and one-inch pumps and trying to get ahead at the expense of the evil male coworker who wants to put us in our place. We are regular, ordinary girls who just didn't find "the one" in time.

As for me - yes, I did become a lawyer in my mid-20s and yes, I had the high paying job at a big law firm. But even then, I knew I wanted the whole package of marriage and children. I was ALWAYS ambivalent about being a lawyer - although I really and truly enjoyed law school, I never wanted to practice law and frankly, once I was in it, never enjoyed it or thought of it as my first priority.

I spent the second half of my twenties working at a corporate law firm and "semi-dating" a coworker. This guy was gorgeous, well educated, and a bit mysterious. He was a single parent at the age of 26, which actually was a huge turn on for me, as I didn't know any other young people with families and even then, I knew I wanted one. Well, it turns out he wasn't so mature, and frankly I wasn't so mature, and let's just say I spent (wasted?) a couple of years of my life pining over this totally unavailable man.

After a series of personal crises and a couple more failed relationships (let's just say my judgment in my 20s wasn't so stellar), I left the law firm life and headed back to grad school at the age of 32. Happily, the tables turned and I got more male attention than I gave, and even had a guy or two pine over ME for a change.  I met several gorgeous, smart, funny, talented guys during that time, and had several short-term relationships with men who weren't "the one".   As I approached my mid-30s, the panic set in and by age 39 I knew I was not going to find someone in time to have a baby.

As for me now, I have been TTC for the better part of two years while simultaneously trying to jump start my new career. I try to date but my heart just isn't in it. I'm actually quite content being single at the moment, and with the exception of the financial factor, am totally at peace with becoming a single mom.

My point is that we aren't all career-hungry vultures trying to break through the glass ceiling at the expense of our personal lives.  We are human women who for whatever reason haven't found a mate in time, and whether or not we all have successful careers is irrelevant to this process.  

And anyway, boxy suits just aren't my style.

Desperation Comes in the Form of Urine of Post-Menopausal Nuns

It continues to be a long road, and I am resisting the urge to post all the gory and mostly negative details on here. The brief rundown is that I have switched fertility clinics, had 2 more IUIs and 2 more negative results. I am now one of these people who injects herself with hormones and spends all her money ($15,000 so far, no joke) on fertility doctors, meds and procedures. It's been a trip to say the least.

This month I will be giving myself not one, but TWO shots each day, one of which is made from, get this, the urine of post-menopausal nuns. Yes, you read that right. Now, why post-menopausal nuns hold the secret to fertility, I will never know.

There is some irony in me injecting myself with nun urine, though. When I was a freshman in college, I became very friendly with a group of 4 other girls, all of whom were, shall we say, inexperienced in the bedroom. Basically, we were all losers in high school and none of us ever had a boyfriend. Instead of going out and partying till dawn every night, we stayed in our dorm room and made up dorky dances to Cat Stevens music. Soon enough, we became known as "The Convent." The five of us remained close friends and roommates, and still have Convent Reunions once a year. Though we have all broken the sacred convent vow of chastity, and most have gone on to have boyfriends, girlfriends and/or children, some of us (ahem, me) are still single. At this point, I may actually be a born-again virgin. Or something. So in my heart, I am still a nun and therefore could be a prime candidate for making Menapur and helping others have babies. Wait.

Huh

OK, I SWORE that I was not going to become one of these people who become obsessed with her medical stats and speaks in sentences like "During my ttc I was hoping for a BFP but when AF arrived my HPT was BFN". Like, HUH?! What the hell.

But I unfortunately know way too much about all these acronyms now.

As I mentioned in my last post, my pregnancy test was negative (BFN in fertility speak). So today I went in for my baseline bloodwork and ultrasound in order to start the process over again. But a strange thing resulted:

My ultrasound showed found 5 cysts. And my estrogen level is off the charts high (it is over 1400, normal is less than 60!). This is highly unusual.

First my dr. said that there was a possibility I could actually be pregnant. That would be amazing! What a great story to tell -- "2 negative pregnancy tests plus I had my period, but it turns out I was pregnant the whole time!". I immediately went to the nearest drugstore and took a pregnancy test (HPT in fertility speak) and the result was (as I should have predicted) negative. So that's 3 negative pregnancy tests, plus an active period (AF, for Aunt Flow, which is an expression I despise) = no way am I pregnant.

So what do these 5 follicles/cysts mean? It's unclear. Either (a) I have 5 follicles that are just about ready for insemination or (b) they are left over cysts from the last cycle and I will have to take birth control pills for a month (bc - yuck, these acronyms are making me sick) in order to get them to disappear, then try again the following month. Obviously I hope it's the first option. But it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I asked the dr. and his nurse but the answer was unclear. All I got out of it was that it could have something to do with the clomid I took last month.

So, hm. Not sure what any of this means. And does my doctor remember that he had me on super high doses of estrogen up until a few days ago? That could explain the estrogen surge. And google isn't helping much!

So now I have to start taking daily ovulation predictor kit tests (OPKs - ack!) to see if I am ready to ovulate. I dunno what to think. It could be a really good thing, or it could be a really bad thing. Dr. doesn't know what's going on. I don't know what's going on. Nobody knows squat.

Nothing like medical experts to clarify everything for you!