Who is to blame? (Don't answer)

Geez, I really don't want this blog to become the most depressing place on earth.....but unfortunately I don't have good news to share.

I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.

I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.

Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.

I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.