Well I finally got some good news. Not on the baby front, but still, good news is always welcome!! A film that I co-produced last year had it's world premiere at a major film festival a few weeks ago, and it ended up doing REALLY well. Like, REALLY well! We won almost all the awards, including the Grand Jury Award and the Audience Award. This was a micro-budget film shot in a small Texas town with nothing but blood, sweat and tears, so it was so nice to get such a positive response. The best part was getting to meet Roger Ebert, who was on the jury and loved the film. He gave me (or the film) a big thumbs up and has really championed the film at the festival and on his twitter feed. I even got to take a picture with him! We also got a really good review in Variety. Variety!
After all these months of just spending money with no good results, it felt so amazing to just get away from it all and focus on something else. The festival was a lot of fun and I saw a lot of really good movies. I think I needed a kick in the pants to remind me that I still do love movies. What happens next with the film is anyone's guess, but either way it was very validating to be a part of a film that I can actually be proud of (I've made some real stinkers in the past).
Oh, and in order to make sure my head doesn't get too big, I came back to LA and straight to my boring temp job in a windowless room. But I don't care, because it's a job and it's money and I'm beyond thankful to have it.
OK, back to baby stuff. IUI #4 was a bust, so I'm moving on to IVF. A few minor obstacles, however:
1. $$$$. 'Nuff said.
2. I have a cyst so my doctor wants me to wait another month before beginning. He says that with time the cyst should dissolve, and if it doesn't he will have to drain it (more $$ and time, ugh). It is so frustrating! I'll be 41 in 2 months so every month lost feels like a freaking lifetime.
3. My Known Donor (I call him Airplane Baby Daddy since he owns his own airplane) told me yesterday that he has a new girlfriend.
Let's go back to #3, shall we? Yes, a new girlfriend who wants to have her own kids. He told me that he intends to continue on with me......but I know how it goes. Once he gets serious enough with her, and she tells him she's uncomfortable with the arrangement, it's Bye Bye Baby Daddy. Unfortunately I used up all of his samples on IUI #4 so there is nothing in the bank. The doctor wants to use a fresh (rather than frozen) sample this time, which means having to wait until mid-May at the earliest to get him into town and get his sample. Which gives him that much more time to back out! So, I'm trying not to freak out about this. There's nothing I can do if he changes his mind. I guess I'm going to start looking at "backup" anonymous donors just in case.
Oh and just to add another layer of ridiculousness, today I decided to treat myself to a candy bar (Bit O Honey). Chewy, chewy, chewy. Next thing know, I lost half a tooth.
Yup.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I’m a big sister to three wonderful and much younger half-brothers, ages 17, 14 and 10. So for the past 17 years, I have been closer than an “aunt” but not quite the mother (obviously). For the past 8 ½ of those years, I have lived 20 minutes away from them, and have seen them no less than once a week. For several years, I helped their mother out with what I referred to as “nanny duty” – picking them up from school, taking them to their afternoon activities, and generally helping out with mom-type stuff.
I love my brothers – they are fun, strong, interesting and multi-talented. And they love me dearly, I know that.
But.
It is hard to be “nanny” to children not your own, when you are in your 30s and know that you are really kind of “faking” motherhood. By mid-30s, most women have their own husbands and children. So I find myself in a strange and awkward position when I am at their school or around their friends – I am not one of the moms, nor am I one of the nannies/babysitters. I have met several of the mothers but would not call them “friends”. I always feel like somewhat of a fraud when I’m around the other moms – it is kind of hard to explain because I don’t think there are too many of me out there. Sure, there are mixed families – but I am 30 (yes, thirty!) years older than my youngest brother, as old as (or older than) many of the other moms.
I love doing the mom stuff, and I love being around my brothers – but for some reason which I can’t exactly articulate, I always end up feeling not quite right, not quite good about myself. I always end up feeling “less than.” I look at my life and think to myself – how exactly did I end up here, an outsider in yet another world?
Yesterday was a good example. I was picking up my brother (14) from swim practice at his school. I had my dog with me (he is kind of my permanent companion these days, especially since I am unemployed). I got out of the car and realized that there are no dogs allowed on the campus. So I stayed back, watching the swim practice from a distance….hearing all the kids, coaches and parents cheer on their kids. It was an odd sensation, feeling not quite welcome (because of the dog) yet knowing that my feeling of displacement was, well, displaced. I have spent countless hours on that school campus over the years, I know my way around and probably would have even recognized some of the kids and parents. Yet I felt this strange sensation of not belonging, that I really should just go back and wait in the car.
That feeling of not belonging seems to plague me. I feel that way when I go to bars or clubs (yuck), when I go to temple (which I stopped doing a few years ago because of how out of place I felt), when I’m working in a law firm (I’m faking it, people!), and when I am on a film set (I’m older than all you people!). There is always this nagging feeling that I don’t quite belong anywhere.
And I know I could have easily just left the dog in the car and gone to participate in the swim meet. Why I didn't do that, I can't really say. I do know that I am feeling very attached to and dependent on my dog these days. I know, he doesn't speak English and isn't a person or a spouse or a child, but he has become my little companion and I don't like to be without him. Being around him (and all dogs really) gives me a sense of calm and contentment that I don't really have in the other parts of my life right now. So, instead of joining in the fun and games, I stayed back and watched from a distance.
That might be something I should work on.
I love my brothers – they are fun, strong, interesting and multi-talented. And they love me dearly, I know that.
But.
It is hard to be “nanny” to children not your own, when you are in your 30s and know that you are really kind of “faking” motherhood. By mid-30s, most women have their own husbands and children. So I find myself in a strange and awkward position when I am at their school or around their friends – I am not one of the moms, nor am I one of the nannies/babysitters. I have met several of the mothers but would not call them “friends”. I always feel like somewhat of a fraud when I’m around the other moms – it is kind of hard to explain because I don’t think there are too many of me out there. Sure, there are mixed families – but I am 30 (yes, thirty!) years older than my youngest brother, as old as (or older than) many of the other moms.
I love doing the mom stuff, and I love being around my brothers – but for some reason which I can’t exactly articulate, I always end up feeling not quite right, not quite good about myself. I always end up feeling “less than.” I look at my life and think to myself – how exactly did I end up here, an outsider in yet another world?
Yesterday was a good example. I was picking up my brother (14) from swim practice at his school. I had my dog with me (he is kind of my permanent companion these days, especially since I am unemployed). I got out of the car and realized that there are no dogs allowed on the campus. So I stayed back, watching the swim practice from a distance….hearing all the kids, coaches and parents cheer on their kids. It was an odd sensation, feeling not quite welcome (because of the dog) yet knowing that my feeling of displacement was, well, displaced. I have spent countless hours on that school campus over the years, I know my way around and probably would have even recognized some of the kids and parents. Yet I felt this strange sensation of not belonging, that I really should just go back and wait in the car.
That feeling of not belonging seems to plague me. I feel that way when I go to bars or clubs (yuck), when I go to temple (which I stopped doing a few years ago because of how out of place I felt), when I’m working in a law firm (I’m faking it, people!), and when I am on a film set (I’m older than all you people!). There is always this nagging feeling that I don’t quite belong anywhere.
And I know I could have easily just left the dog in the car and gone to participate in the swim meet. Why I didn't do that, I can't really say. I do know that I am feeling very attached to and dependent on my dog these days. I know, he doesn't speak English and isn't a person or a spouse or a child, but he has become my little companion and I don't like to be without him. Being around him (and all dogs really) gives me a sense of calm and contentment that I don't really have in the other parts of my life right now. So, instead of joining in the fun and games, I stayed back and watched from a distance.
That might be something I should work on.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Who is to blame? (Don't answer)
Geez, I really don't want this blog to become the most depressing place on earth.....but unfortunately I don't have good news to share.
I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.
I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.
Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.
I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.
I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.
I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.
Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.
I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.
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