So I've read two books so far on being a single mother by choice (SMC). Getting ready to start the next but the thing that concerns me is that every piece of writing on this subject has an agenda. The books and articles I've read that are written by these SMC's all proclaim how wonderful (though hard) it is and how their kid doesn't even really care about not having a dad. Now, the thing is, I know these people are saying this because they are defending their choice. Which is fine....but I want some REAL answers, from kids of SMCs, who talk openly about not having a father and how it has affected their lives. This is something I haven't yet been able to find.
As I read the books and listen to stories of these single moms, I find myself yearning more and more for motherhood. I have always wanted to be a mom. I love kids. Kids love me. I find myself fantasizing about living in my rented townhouse with my baby, where I would put everything, how great it is that the closest elementary school is right across the street, and how I would take the baby and dog for daily walks in the neighborhood. Of course, immediately after the fantasy comes the panic -- of "well if the 2nd bedroom is the baby's room then I can't have a roommate, and how will I afford to live here?" and "what if the dog needs to be walked at night and the baby is already asleep?" and "how will I manage financially with being a freelancer? Do I have to get a "real" job"? Then it leads me down the path until I think to myself, "why are you even thinking about this? you have no business doing this. you're just a kid yourself".
Of course, the truth is probably somewhere inbetween these fantasies and nightmares. But still, the thing about these SMC books is they all say that most SMCs are older and have set careers (ie decent income). Well, true, I am older (39) but my career and finances are more unstable than ever. Right now I can barely cover my rent. I don't know how I will support a child. But, I don't want to wait. Maybe another 6 months. Ideally my plan is to go in for testing in January '10, then get inseminated in June (the month I turn 40).
This year was very good careerwise (produced a short film and line produced 2 features) but absolutely devastating financially. The films I do don't pay much -- they are really just building blocks to find bigger, better films later on and to develop a good reputation. I know I'm good at what I do. But the film industry is so tough and every project I've been offered since then (3 so far) have been such pathetic budgets that they don't make sense to do. So, I take these temp legal jobs to pay the bills, which is fine except that right now there just aren't any. Not exactly the most stable environment to bring up a child in. Sometimes I work from home, sometimes on location, sometimes at law firms, and sometimes not at all. I actually like the lifestyle for the most part as it gives me flexibility in my own life (except for now, when panic sets in as my bills far surpass my income). But for raising a child, it's far from ideal.
So I just don't know what to do. I would love to be in a position where I can have a good career and a stable income. If that were the case I would be that much closer to pulling the trigger on the baby thing. But I'm not there. Fine if I'm 30 or 35, but I will be 40 and truly I feel the TICK TOCK TICK TOCK of that biological clock every freaking day.
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