IVF

I've decided that this whole IVF process is kind of a big mind-fuck. The last time I thought something was a mind-fuck was the California Bar Exam. That one was truly a mind-fuck. Maybe IVF is a mini-mind-fuck. I dunno.

The process can be brutal. Luckily (or not, depending on your perspective), medically I have been through a lot worse. 11 years ago I was diagnosed with a blood disease callped TTP, which is a rare side effect of e-coli poisening. I lived on the brink in the ICU at a San Francisco hospital for 39 days, with daily bouts of plasmapheresis, dialysis, blood transfusions, chemo and all sorts of other crazy and invasive things. I'm not going to dwell on that whole experience now (save that uplifting story for another day!), but I will say that it made the IVF process, which many consider absolutely horrifyingly invasive, to be, well, not quite as horrifying.

That's not to say it didn't stress me out majorly though. The multiple early morning doctor's appointments, ultrasounds and bloodwork didn't really bother me. There were only two really terrible parts, the shots and the financial worries. But let me walk a beginner through the process:

THE SHOTS: After I had the aforementioned (in previous blog) cysts removed, they started me on teh shots. Oh the shots. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks because of the stress of giving myself the shots. At night I knew that I had to wake up in the morning at a specific time to give myself a specific shot, and there was nobody around to make sure that I didn't (a) screw it up or (b) chicken out. Well, my dog was there, and he watched with a timid curiosity, but he certainly didn't tell me if I was using the wrong needle gage or mixing my meds improperly. His role was purely cuteness support (which, by the way, cannot be underestimated).

Anyhoo, the shots really sucked. By the end I had bruises on my belly and both thighs. I was obsessed with the chart that my doctor provided to me (updated at each visit) with instructions on which meds to give myself each day. At one point I was injecting myself with four separate shots per day, plus giving myself estrogen patches, multivitamins and various other assorted hormonal thingies. Some of the meds had to be refrigerated, and others didn't. Some meds came prepackaged with needles and syringes, and others had to be put together by hand. For an English major with a fear of needles, this was not fun. My hands shook every time. I fucked up a couple of times but mostly I was able to do it. I was even a little proud of myself for the accomplishment of getting through each round.

THE APPOINTMENTS: So I went in for early morning (pre-work) ultrasounds and bloodwork every two days until I had enough mature follicles to remove. To no surprise to anyone, my follicles did not grow as quickly as the doctor would have liked, so I ended up having to take several extra days of the damn shots, and still only had 3-4 potentially decent follicles. When they finally said I was ready to go, I gave myself one last shot (HCG, to trigger ovulation), then the shots were thankfully done for the cycle. 35 hours later, I went in for the egg retrieval.

ACUPUNCTURE: In addition, I was seeing my acupuncturist once a week. I know so many people who swear by it, but I have to say I did not enjoy it. Who the hell likes to know they have needles sticking out of them all over their body? What if there was an earthquake, or I had an anxiety attack and had to puke? I definitely didn't like the feeling of being trapped on that table by myself. I did it weekly for about 2 months but then I ran out of money so it has to be the first thing to go.

FINANCES: The other stressor, which I have discussed on this blog at length, was the financial commitment. That stressor will be here long after the 2WW is over and will haunt me for years no matter what the outcome. I try not to think about it too much because at this point the credit cards have been charged and there is nothing I can do about it. I do work freelance so my temp job could end any day, and my minimum payment on my Amex is way more than I'll be able to pay this month....but honestly at this point there is simply nothing I can do other than not spend money on anything but pure necessities (though I do have plans to go to the movies tonight and tomorrow night, for the first time in MANY months - I already feel guilty but the plans are made and I can't flake on my friends). The truth is, I did the best I could by shopping around extensively for meds online - I have a 3 page spreadsheet with all the different IVF med pharmacies and the breakdown costs of each med. I even was able to get some of the meds donated. Believe me, I spent over a month researching and scraping to get the best deals and a few breaks. So I know I tried my hardest to save. Unfortuantely the tab was still well over $16k just for the IVF (well over $30k spent total in the past year).

SURGERIES: Moving along from the money woes. There were 3 major procedures involved in the process. The first was the cyst aspiration surgery which I mentioned in the last post. Other than the nerves the night before, it went very smooth and I am thankful for that! The second was the egg retrieval, which is a very similar procedure as the cyst aspiration. That one went OK as well, though I only had 3 mature eggs, which is an extremely low number. Most people have 10 or more. I think another clinic would have canceled the IVF and turned it into an IUI. The procedure itself took about 20 minutes, and I was totally out (thank you anasthesia!). I am actually kind of glad I had to have the first surgery, so I knew exactly what to expect for the egg retrival. Thankfully I recovered from both surgeries very quickly and was back to work the next day.

FERTILIZATION and EMBRYO TRANSFER: The day of the egg retrieval is also the same day as the fertilization attempt. So my baby daddy flew down to LA and gave a fresh sample that day. he also drove me to and from the clinic that day. The nurse in the recovery room said to me "he is so good looking!" which I thought was very cute.

The day after the egg retrieval my doctor called to tell me that 2 of the 3 eggs fertilized. The day after that, he called to tell me that both were dividing. We (he) decided to do a 3-day transfer (as opposed to a 5-day transfer which they would have done had there been more embryos). So on Day 3 after the egg retrieval I went in for the embryo transfer. I found out that day that one of the two was dividing more slowly than they would like to see, so it was up to me if I wanted it transfered. There is a risk that it could implant and form an abnormal embryo. In my mind I figured that if it wasn't dividing properly, it just wouldn't implant and would go away. So I took the risk and implanted both embryos. I have a picture of both sitting on my bedside table at home - what gorgeous looking cells they are!

EMBRYO TRANSFER: They give you 2 valium so that your uterus is relaxed for the transfer. At first I thought it wasn't working then next thing you know I was konked out. I was awake for the procedure (which was remarkably like an IUI except that they use ultrasound to guide where exactly to place the embryos). Easy and quick.

BED REST: After I got home I was ordered 3 days of bed rest. I was nervous about the bed rest but it honestly was a lovely break for me from all the stress of everything over the past months. I had essentially a craft service table set up next to my bed so that everything (snacks, meds, books, dvds, computers, tv, remote) were within arms reach. I had visitors. I slept a lot. My dog stayed with a friend so I literally had no responsibilities except to rest. I have to say, I really loved it. I don't think I realized quite how exhausted I was both mentally and physically from all the hormones, shots, appointments, procedures and money woes, until I forced myself to just sleep it all off.

2WW: So now I'm in the midst of the two week wait. I think this is where the mind-fuck comes in. I've been told not to exercise, so I am trying to limit my dog-walking and commute-walking to very short and slow periods. I can feel the weight piling on. My clothes don't fit. And then I get angry that this could all be for nothing. If after the 2 weeks I am not pregnant, then not only will I be saddled with 5-10 extra pounds, but I will still be broke and majorly in debt. But I try not to dwell on it because stress is not supposed to be good. My acupuncturist told me to eat the core of a pineapple to help implantation, which I did - but she also told me that those chinese herbs were "magic" and that was totally bogus, so I take it with a grain of salt.

My birthday is coming up in a few days (41, don't get me started) but I will still be in my 2ww then. I don't know if that is good or bad. Part of me just wants to KNOW one way or the other, but part of me is dreading a negative outcome. I think I have handled the other negative outcomes OK, but there is so much more at stake with this one, and I don't know how I will react. Either way I will be reminded for many years with each credit card statement.

It has been a trip to say the least. I can't wrap my mind around what will happen next. If it doesn't work, I HAVE to find a way to try again. But I just don't see how I can do it. If it does work, well, let's just wait to even think about the consequences of that.

Mean time, I am thankful every day for my adorable dog who brings a smile to my face every time I look at him. There would be a lot less smiles without his gorgeous little presence in my life.

It's no surprise but I did NOT get pregnant from my crazy last minute trip to San Francisco. It was worth a try to be able to save money on IVF. Oh well, IVF here we come.

Speaking of IVF, I was about to begin when they found yet ANOTHER cyst. The doctor put me on birth control pills for 10 days since they normally go away on their own. At the same time, my acupuncturist put me back on heavy duty doses of her "magic" chinese herbs and restricted my diet considerably (no sweets, no dairy - yikes!). I did as I was told, and dutifully took all my meds and herbs for 10 days, went in for 2 acupuncture sessions, drank only green tea, and cooked all my own (healthy) meals.

Guess what? My body decided to say "EFF YOU" to me, the acupuncture, the herbs and birth control pills. Not only did it continue to grow my cyst, but it went ahead and created a new one as well.

Long story short, my doctor is going to surgically aspirate the cysts in a couple of days, at which time I will begin the IVF cycle.

I was so bummed when I found this out this morning that I started crying at my doctor's office. I'm not worried about the procedure - it is minor -- but it is going to cost me an additional $2000. I am moving heaven and earth to try to make this happen but at the same time my debt is mounting up and my body just won't give me a freaking break.

Speaking of money, I went to this company that my doctor told me to call, called MedLoan Finance, for a loan. Their website is pretty darned vague about how the process works, what their fees are etc., so I called them for clarification and they were like "It's easy! you fill out an application and we make a decision within 24 hours, then you have 60 days to accept." LIES. I filled out the application, and the next day found out that I had been tentatively approved for 2 credit cards, which were being sent to me in the mail, and that I owed them a ton of money for providing me this "service". What a scam. I looked at the fine print on the signature page of my application, and it does say (among a litany of other things) that I authorize them to send my information to credit card companies - but it doesn't say that anywhere on their website and they didn't mention it to me on the phone. They started calling me every day to collect their fee and I told them I wasn't ready to accept...but they said the cards had already been mailed to me. Wow, that is so shady. I mean, if I knew they were going to just apply for credit cards, I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF FOR NO FEE!!!! I really thought they were a legitimate loan company who finances loans for people who have medical bills. When I spoke to the credit card companies, they had all my info wrong and had never even heard of this other company.

By the way, they went ahead and took the fee without me authorizing it!!! I feel like I have been majorly scammed and I plan to let my doctor's office know about it!

This whole process is just fraught with pitfalls at every step. And now the fun really begins.

All I want is a little bambino or bambina to love and raise and take care of. Why does it have to be so hard???

Note: This posted was originally written on Wednesday April 6

This is officially the fucking weirdest day of my life.

I am sitting in an office in San Francisco while my donor jerks off in the other room.

I am taking this month “off” from IUI/IVF due to a cyst, but figured maybe we could try an at-home insemination. I have been taking those at-home ovulation kits and yesterday tested positive. Generally that means you have about 24-48 hours to try to get pregnant. Soooooo I took the day off work and flew to San Francisco, where I met my donor for a quick drink and then we’re OFF.

Let me start from this morning.

First I had my now-weekly acupuncture appointment, where my acupuncturist hooked up weird electrical circuits to the needles to create a pulsing sensation near my ovaries. When I asked her what is in those Chinese herbs she prescribed to me, she said “magic”. Hmmm. I asked again. She said they work to heal the kidney and blood and organs and loosen the cyst. Yes, I said, but what are they made out of? The answer I got was “Chinese Herbs”. Very helpful.

Then it was off to see my Dr. I took a urine test then went in to the Dr’s office. He didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, though he did provide me with a cup and syringe and told me to let the semen liquefy for 30 minutes before injecting it. When I was about to leave, we asked the nurse about my urine test and she said it was negative…..which makes no sense because it was DEFINITELY positive yesterday (I took 2 different tests, the store brand test and the fancy brand). So they asked me to give another urine sample. Um, I’m kind of pee shy and I was pretty much empty from peeing a few minutes earlier. So I sat in the waiting room and in the bathroom, sucking down tea and water and trying to focus on peeing (but not focus too much because that didn’t seem to work either). I swear I sat there for like an hour. At several points I knew I had to go but couldn’t because of the pressure. Anyhoo, after a tortuous hour I finally gave them my sample and this one tested, well, undetermined. Sort of positive though the lines were faint. Well, I decided to go ahead and do it anyway. Oh, and the dr charged me $240. For basically NOTHING. I’m kinda pissed but I don’t have time to think about it.

I get home only to find out that my flight has been canceled. CANCELED! That wasn’t stressful at all! Haha, yes, it was very stressful. I had to call Southwest to get a refund, then immediately book a flight on United (which cost $422 by the way, if you ever want to fly LA to SF on a couple of hours’ notice).

Finally a chance to walk the dog and get ready to go. Oh but I must mention the maintenance man, who I asked to come check out a problem in my bathroom. BECAUSE…….

About 2 hours after I left I got a call from my neighbor that she found my dog wandering along the street in front of my apartment complex! He must have gotten out when the maintenance guy was at my house. All I know is that he was definitely there when I left the house. Thank goodness for nice neighbors – I will bake her some cookies this weekend as a Thank You. If something happened to my dog I would just die.

Cut to several hours later, I finally arrived in SF, took the BART to the city and met my donor. We immediately went for a drink (well, he drank, I don’t drink) and are now back at his office (romantic, huh) where he just gave me his sperm in a cup. I am now waiting the required 30 minutes (OK I might cheat it to 15) then up up and away it goes.

More later.

Well I finally got some good news. Not on the baby front, but still, good news is always welcome!! A film that I co-produced last year had it's world premiere at a major film festival a few weeks ago, and it ended up doing REALLY well. Like, REALLY well! We won almost all the awards, including the Grand Jury Award and the Audience Award. This was a micro-budget film shot in a small Texas town with nothing but blood, sweat and tears, so it was so nice to get such a positive response. The best part was getting to meet Roger Ebert, who was on the jury and loved the film. He gave me (or the film) a big thumbs up and has really championed the film at the festival and on his twitter feed. I even got to take a picture with him! We also got a really good review in Variety. Variety!

After all these months of just spending money with no good results, it felt so amazing to just get away from it all and focus on something else. The festival was a lot of fun and I saw a lot of really good movies. I think I needed a kick in the pants to remind me that I still do love movies. What happens next with the film is anyone's guess, but either way it was very validating to be a part of a film that I can actually be proud of (I've made some real stinkers in the past).

Oh, and in order to make sure my head doesn't get too big, I came back to LA and straight to my boring temp job in a windowless room. But I don't care, because it's a job and it's money and I'm beyond thankful to have it.

OK, back to baby stuff. IUI #4 was a bust, so I'm moving on to IVF. A few minor obstacles, however:

1. $$$$. 'Nuff said.

2. I have a cyst so my doctor wants me to wait another month before beginning. He says that with time the cyst should dissolve, and if it doesn't he will have to drain it (more $$ and time, ugh). It is so frustrating! I'll be 41 in 2 months so every month lost feels like a freaking lifetime.

3. My Known Donor (I call him Airplane Baby Daddy since he owns his own airplane) told me yesterday that he has a new girlfriend.

Let's go back to #3, shall we? Yes, a new girlfriend who wants to have her own kids. He told me that he intends to continue on with me......but I know how it goes. Once he gets serious enough with her, and she tells him she's uncomfortable with the arrangement, it's Bye Bye Baby Daddy. Unfortunately I used up all of his samples on IUI #4 so there is nothing in the bank. The doctor wants to use a fresh (rather than frozen) sample this time, which means having to wait until mid-May at the earliest to get him into town and get his sample. Which gives him that much more time to back out! So, I'm trying not to freak out about this. There's nothing I can do if he changes his mind. I guess I'm going to start looking at "backup" anonymous donors just in case.

Oh and just to add another layer of ridiculousness, today I decided to treat myself to a candy bar (Bit O Honey). Chewy, chewy, chewy. Next thing know, I lost half a tooth.

Yup.

I’m a big sister to three wonderful and much younger half-brothers, ages 17, 14 and 10. So for the past 17 years, I have been closer than an “aunt” but not quite the mother (obviously). For the past 8 ½ of those years, I have lived 20 minutes away from them, and have seen them no less than once a week. For several years, I helped their mother out with what I referred to as “nanny duty” – picking them up from school, taking them to their afternoon activities, and generally helping out with mom-type stuff.

I love my brothers – they are fun, strong, interesting and multi-talented. And they love me dearly, I know that.

But.

It is hard to be “nanny” to children not your own, when you are in your 30s and know that you are really kind of “faking” motherhood. By mid-30s, most women have their own husbands and children. So I find myself in a strange and awkward position when I am at their school or around their friends – I am not one of the moms, nor am I one of the nannies/babysitters. I have met several of the mothers but would not call them “friends”. I always feel like somewhat of a fraud when I’m around the other moms – it is kind of hard to explain because I don’t think there are too many of me out there. Sure, there are mixed families – but I am 30 (yes, thirty!) years older than my youngest brother, as old as (or older than) many of the other moms.

I love doing the mom stuff, and I love being around my brothers – but for some reason which I can’t exactly articulate, I always end up feeling not quite right, not quite good about myself. I always end up feeling “less than.” I look at my life and think to myself – how exactly did I end up here, an outsider in yet another world?

Yesterday was a good example. I was picking up my brother (14) from swim practice at his school. I had my dog with me (he is kind of my permanent companion these days, especially since I am unemployed). I got out of the car and realized that there are no dogs allowed on the campus. So I stayed back, watching the swim practice from a distance….hearing all the kids, coaches and parents cheer on their kids. It was an odd sensation, feeling not quite welcome (because of the dog) yet knowing that my feeling of displacement was, well, displaced. I have spent countless hours on that school campus over the years, I know my way around and probably would have even recognized some of the kids and parents. Yet I felt this strange sensation of not belonging, that I really should just go back and wait in the car.

That feeling of not belonging seems to plague me. I feel that way when I go to bars or clubs (yuck), when I go to temple (which I stopped doing a few years ago because of how out of place I felt), when I’m working in a law firm (I’m faking it, people!), and when I am on a film set (I’m older than all you people!). There is always this nagging feeling that I don’t quite belong anywhere.

And I know I could have easily just left the dog in the car and gone to participate in the swim meet. Why I didn't do that, I can't really say. I do know that I am feeling very attached to and dependent on my dog these days. I know, he doesn't speak English and isn't a person or a spouse or a child, but he has become my little companion and I don't like to be without him. Being around him (and all dogs really) gives me a sense of calm and contentment that I don't really have in the other parts of my life right now. So, instead of joining in the fun and games, I stayed back and watched from a distance.

That might be something I should work on.

Who is to blame? (Don't answer)

Geez, I really don't want this blog to become the most depressing place on earth.....but unfortunately I don't have good news to share.

I got another BFN (Big Fat Negative)....my fourth IUI. I'm totally tapped out of money, and since I'm not working, can't get a loan. I think I've decided to take this month off and (hopefully, if I can get a job and a loan) go to IVF in April. Oy, $15,000 per cycle just puts even that much more pressure on. Of course, my Dr. tells me that with IVF there is a 10% chance of success....higher than the IUIs but wow those are not good odds. I've already spent $15,000 this past year (well, there are still some unpaid bills but in total it all adds up to $15k) and to double that in just one month is soooo scary. And of course, if it doesn't work, I will still have to pay it off over time, and that will be soooo depressing.

I just feel so at the end of my rope. If I were younger I would stop for a while to regroup....but I'll be 41 in June (3 months!) so I don't have that option.

Mostly I am just so mad at myself for waiting so long to get started. At 37 I talked to a single mom by choice who told me in no uncertain terms to get started asap....and of course I waited 2 more years. One of my close friends had fertility problems in her early 30s and ended up adopting. I don't know why I have been in such denial about the whole thing. I guess I must have just subconsciously figured that since I didn't feel like a grown up, I must not be aging. I know, it makes no sense. Go figure. I also think that society screams at well educated women all day long that it is ok to wait, that lots of women have babies in their 40s, and that has become the new norm for many career women.

I guess I don't really have society to blame, though it would be quite convenient to do so. Ultimately it comes down to ME, and the time I've wasted in my 30s and in my life.

If the TTC journey is filled with ups and downs, I'm definitely in a down.

I have to admit, things are not so good right now.

I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.

But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.

So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.

Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).

I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.

And that's when everything fell apart.

She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).

Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.

Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.

So basically, I'm a mess.

I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.

I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.

As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.

And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.