Jealousy and Friendship

The emotion that always stops me in my tracks is that little green monster called jealousy. I don't mean the kind where you are jealous of other girls looking at your boyfriend. I'm talking about jealousy of other people's lives. I'm unfortunately the kind of person who gets a knot in her stomach when she hears that someone is engaged, or pregnant, or just bought a house with her spouse. It's the trait about me that I am least proud of and although I try not to let it influence my friendships, it is hard.

So imagine my state of mind when I was going up north to visit my 4 best college girlfriends for the weekend, three of whom have children. We have been a "clique" since 1988 -- 22 years of friendship. These girls were at one time my very rocks of my life. We have of course all gone on to lead our own lives and although we vacation together about once a year, some of the friendships have drifted and it's partly due to this envy that I can't seem to shake. One of them lives the "perfect" All-American life -- husband, nice house in the suburbs, 2 beautiful kids, plenty of money, involved grandparents for the children on both sides, etc. etc. I love my friend but find that my jealousy makes me not want to stay in closer touch. Our friendship has become more of an acquaintance-ship. We make small talk, talk about the old days and ask each other who else we keep in touch with. And that whole exchange always makes me so sad.

So, given all of my recent baby-thinking and financial difficulties, I was not looking forward to the weekend with the girls. I just couldn't deal with the thought of watching their perfect lives unfold, and having to answer qusetions about what is new in my life. They all have homes, spouses, children, in-laws and jobs. I have none of those things and feel that I have nothing to contribute.

But, I went and I have to say, I'm glad I went.

Jealousy or not, these girls are still my home. We have the kind of friendship where we don't need to talk. We can just BE. We don't need to put on a show for each other. We don't bother to get dressed up and put on makeup. We can just be ourselves. My one "perfect" friend asked me what was new and I said "nothing" and that was the end of the conversation. I don't know if she sensed that I didn't want to talk, but either way we just moved on and enjoyed each other's company.

The funny thing is, I became the Pied Piper of all the kids. They all wanted to play with me all the time. I became their de facto leader. They loved me and they loved my dog (even the 2 young girls who were scared of dogs at the beginnign of the weekend). They held my hand when we went for a hike, and gave me a huge hug a the end of the weekend. We smiled and laughed and played and generally had a blast.

The only part of the weekend that made me sad is that this is exactly how I pictured us all growing older together. I pictured we would get together periodically with our children and all live happily ever after, drinking smoothies by the pool as our kids played. Which is exactly what we are doing. Except that I am the one who doesn't have children. The irony of course is that I am the one who always really WANTED to have children. So, I do feel a huge loss that I can't raise my kids with my friends.

So, I walked away from the weekend feeling even more determined than ever to have kids and pronto. And, I'm really glad I got to see and spent time with my ladies.