Maybe I Won't Break Up With The Gay Couple After All

So I tried to break up with the gay couple today and instead was presented with what I think could be a great offer.

Earlier this week they sent me an email saying they were ready to freeze their sperm and thought we should sit down and talk through all the logistics and details together. This freaked me out to say the least. I mean, I can't even manage a regular, heterosexual, one-on-one romantic relationship, and now I'm plunging head-first into a lifetime partnership with not one but TWO men who I barely know. I wrote them back and said that to be completely honest, I was nervous that we didn't know each other for very long and that I unfortunately don't have the time to get to know them (given my advanced age and withering eggs). I told them that because of this, I am leaning towards finding a "Known Donor" rather than a Co-Parent situation. Ideally I would love to have a father (or fathers) for my child who are proper parents in the way that divorced couples are to their children; but jumping into it with strangers is like eloping after the first date with no chance of annulment if things go bad. Basically, I'm too chicken to go through with it. I did agree to meet with them to discuss it further.

When I saw them today they seemed positively heartbroken. How did I get myself into this mess? All I want is a baby and now I've gone and ruined these guys' week. They described the mental roller coaster that this journey has been and seemed really depressed. It was awkward to say the least.

Then they came at me with a new proposition. They said although it's not ideal, they would be willing to be Known Donors. Now, what this means to them exactly I'm not 100% sure but it did perk my interest. I told them that I was incredibly grateful for the offer but I KNOW that they want to be active and involved parents and I would feel incredibly guilty taking that away from them. Their response was that yes, they would prefer to be co-parents but they could probably live with being known donors. They want to have a child that badly.

In my head I am already feeling better. In this new fantasy scenario I could be a mom, have sole guardianship of my child, and give the male influences that the child needs and deserves. My child would know who his genetic father is and be loved by not one but TWO dads. I would grant as much visitation as they would want but wouldn't have to negotiate every last little decision (where does the kid go to school? How do we deal with holidays? What religion do we raise the child? What is the child's last name? etc etc.). At first glance, it actually sounds pretty darn optimal.

I know there are huge risks here. They could change their minds at any time and fight for custody. They could become more involved than I would want them to be. Frankly, the opposite could happen - what if I build up expectations and they don't end up fulfilling them? So many complications could arise but I do feel that this is still better than having an anonymous donor. I want my baby to look at his or her father in the eyes and know that there is love there.

So today I look at my gay couple with new eyes. Instead of being irritated with Alpha, I see the possibility of being a single mom without the guilt of not providing the child with a dad. That makes me feel awfully good right now. Let's see how I feel in a few days or weeks. If the euphoria lasts, I may just go for it.