It's Always Something

So even after 4 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 ICI, 3 old-fashioned tries, and a 40th & 41st birthday behind me, I still want to push forward with another IVF.  I cashed out that final 401(k) from my old lawyering days and was ready to write the check and go.
But.

I mentioned to my RE that my cycle has shortened to 21 days for the past few cycles.  He immediately stopped the process and said something to the effect of "let's re-test your hormone levels, since money doesn't grow on trees and we don't want to waste it".  He put me on birth control pills to delay the cycle while we wait for the test results.  I have an appointment with him this Friday to go over the results.  However, by yesterday I couldn't wait any longer and I called the office to see if any of the results had come in.  A few of the tests had come back and they are not good.

My fsh, which is supposed to be below 10 (and always had been under 10 in the past) has spiked to 17!  This is very very bad.  Though I haven't spoken to the doctor yet, I do know that many clinics will not even consider me a candidate for IVF with an fsh this high. 

This is devastating news.

I'm really really really depressed about it. Everywhere I look it's babies! and husbands! and weddings! and home-buying! and careers! and families! Most people get to have some or all of these things.  I always knew deep down that I wouldn't have it all, but I wanted my little piece.  If I can't get the spouse, or the house, or the career, then at least I could make my own little family.  And if I had to use a donor for sperm, at least I would use a known donor so that my child could look in the mirror and know where he or she came from.  It never really occurred to me that my child would get to see the face of his biological sperm donor but would not get to see my own genes in that mirror.   

I know that I can still use an egg donor or adopt.  Yes, I know it. 

I just feel so cheated.  Everyone else gets to have all these things, and I have accepted the fact that I won't have many of those things.  I have accepted that I'm not going to have a traditional nuclear family. I have accepted that money is going to be tight.  I have accepted that I am single (and am really ok with it!).  But I have not accepted that I cannot pass along my own mom and dad to another generation. Is this selfish and egotistical? Yes....but that's how I feel.

I have made a lot of choices in my life which have led me to where I am today. Some choices have been strong, and some very weak.  Over the past year and a half I have chosen to make my own family on my own terms.  Finding a donor was a huge and life altering process, but I did it.  I've catalogued on this blog the process of finding a donor, going through all the tests and procedures, and trying traditional chinese medicine, all with money that I don't have to spare.  It was my choice and though I bitched about it, I continued to try because I thought deep down that the end result would be my own little baby with my own squinty eyes and maybe the personality and expression of my mom, dad and brothers. 

Ultimately, though, it seems I simply waited too long to start the process.  And honestly, it just sucks. 

I think one of the worst parts is the jealousy that stings in the pit of my stomach every day - I am jealous of every pregnant stranger on the street.  I am jealous of my friends and family that found love, marriage, houses, careers and/or babies. I am jealous of celebrities that I read about having babies.  It seems that I am jealous of every living human being on the planet these days.  I am aware that the jealousy thing is my achilles heel and something I need to work on.  But it is hard, because everywhere I look I am bombarded with all the things I want and can't have.

So I wait until Friday to hear the official bad news.  And I will have to find a way to move on.

Jealousy and Friendship

The emotion that always stops me in my tracks is that little green monster called jealousy. I don't mean the kind where you are jealous of other girls looking at your boyfriend. I'm talking about jealousy of other people's lives. I'm unfortunately the kind of person who gets a knot in her stomach when she hears that someone is engaged, or pregnant, or just bought a house with her spouse. It's the trait about me that I am least proud of and although I try not to let it influence my friendships, it is hard.

So imagine my state of mind when I was going up north to visit my 4 best college girlfriends for the weekend, three of whom have children. We have been a "clique" since 1988 -- 22 years of friendship. These girls were at one time my very rocks of my life. We have of course all gone on to lead our own lives and although we vacation together about once a year, some of the friendships have drifted and it's partly due to this envy that I can't seem to shake. One of them lives the "perfect" All-American life -- husband, nice house in the suburbs, 2 beautiful kids, plenty of money, involved grandparents for the children on both sides, etc. etc. I love my friend but find that my jealousy makes me not want to stay in closer touch. Our friendship has become more of an acquaintance-ship. We make small talk, talk about the old days and ask each other who else we keep in touch with. And that whole exchange always makes me so sad.

So, given all of my recent baby-thinking and financial difficulties, I was not looking forward to the weekend with the girls. I just couldn't deal with the thought of watching their perfect lives unfold, and having to answer qusetions about what is new in my life. They all have homes, spouses, children, in-laws and jobs. I have none of those things and feel that I have nothing to contribute.

But, I went and I have to say, I'm glad I went.

Jealousy or not, these girls are still my home. We have the kind of friendship where we don't need to talk. We can just BE. We don't need to put on a show for each other. We don't bother to get dressed up and put on makeup. We can just be ourselves. My one "perfect" friend asked me what was new and I said "nothing" and that was the end of the conversation. I don't know if she sensed that I didn't want to talk, but either way we just moved on and enjoyed each other's company.

The funny thing is, I became the Pied Piper of all the kids. They all wanted to play with me all the time. I became their de facto leader. They loved me and they loved my dog (even the 2 young girls who were scared of dogs at the beginnign of the weekend). They held my hand when we went for a hike, and gave me a huge hug a the end of the weekend. We smiled and laughed and played and generally had a blast.

The only part of the weekend that made me sad is that this is exactly how I pictured us all growing older together. I pictured we would get together periodically with our children and all live happily ever after, drinking smoothies by the pool as our kids played. Which is exactly what we are doing. Except that I am the one who doesn't have children. The irony of course is that I am the one who always really WANTED to have children. So, I do feel a huge loss that I can't raise my kids with my friends.

So, I walked away from the weekend feeling even more determined than ever to have kids and pronto. And, I'm really glad I got to see and spent time with my ladies.