Since my last post, I have done quite a bit of research on co-parenting. I joined a support group here in LA for potential co-parents and I signed up with several websites that help you find others who want to co-parent. I've met some interesting people who want to have children and are willing to step outside the norms of the nuclear family to do so. I've also found a few weirdos.
I have spent some quality time with a gay couple that lives about 30 miles away from me. I met them through one of the co-parenting websites and they invited me to their house one evening. Based on their web profile, I instantly liked them. They are both very well educated, they own a home, have a couple of dogs and generally seem like my kind of people. The first meeting was a bit awkward, like a first date of sorts (except with not one but TWO men). Everyone was nervous. How do you go from "so, what do you do for a living" to "how would you like to share our lives for 20+ years"? without sounding like a psycho? We all talked openly about our lives and our families and what we want out of parenting. A nice evening all around but I was left feeling a bit "off". I was excited about the possibility of giving my child not one but TWO dads who love him or her. That made me so happy. They also talked about wanting to be really involved (as they put it, they don't want to be just weekend dads); they even mentioned the possibility of being the "primary" parents. That was a bit of a flag but I ignored it. Of the two, one of them (Alpha) did most of the talking and seemed super opinionated; the other (Beta) would be the biological parent (because they feel he is better looking). Beta was super quiet and shy, and seemed to have trouble finishing thoughts....he would sort of trail off and leave the end of the sentence hanging. Another small flag. Super nice but not particularly well spoken. But, it was a lovely enough evening and I liked them a lot, so we decided to get together again.
The second "date" was a gathering at their house with their family and friends. I hate going to parties, especially when I don't know anyone. Add on the pressure cooker situation of having to make an impression on all these people (including Alpha and Beta) and I was not really relaxed. I had a nice time at the BBQ and met another interesting set of co-parents. These people had a fascinating situation. It was another gay couple -- Blonde Guy and Brunette. Brunette was the biological dad and Blonde Guy's sister was the biological mother. This makes Blondie the biological dad and biological uncle. They all live happily together in the same home. I didn't ask too many questions (not wanting to pry) but they seemed like nice people and the kid seemed perfectly well-adjusted. Not exactly a Norman Rockwell painting but it seems to work for them.
The third date was at my house. By this point, I really feel like I'm in a relationship with these two guys and I'm starting to feel some pressure. By the end of that date I realized that I need to break up with them. Alpha is way too alpha for me and I don't think I could co-parent with him. I would feel judged all the time and could see all sorts of potential conflicts and possible custody issues arising. Also, it's uncomfortable that there are two of them and only one of me, which makes me feel outnumbered if there were ever a conflict.
So now I find myself needing to break up with not one, but TWO guys. Part of the reason I'm still single at the age of 40 is that I hate dating, and breakups and conflict, and I have put myself in this very twisted version of the same situation I have avoided for so many years. How's that for irony?
In the meantime, I have met another possible co-parent (Plane Guy) who so far seems very promising. He lives in another part of the state but owns his own plane so it is easy for him to come down to my area. He's tall, good looking, smart and seems to want to be a "weekend" dad. I only met him for a half an hour one time, but I think we are both interested in continuing to talk. My biggest concern with him is that I may not have enough time to wait for him. With a known donor, you have to bank the sperm for 6 months before starting the process (to test and re-test for HIV). By the time we spend some more time together and decide if we want to proceed, THEN wait 6 months, I may be 41. Yikes.
So, the journey and exploration continues. It's been a bit depressing and a bit exhilerating, depending on the day. Now I just have to figure out how to break up with 2 hippie gay guys.
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