Time for Change

Well, IVF#2 was a big, fat, failure. 

What can I say? I have tried everything under the sun, and put my life on complete hold for two years (!) and have nothing to show for it.  In fact I have LESS than I did two years ago.  I have no car, and I'm stuck in a dead-end temp legal job. I haven't made a movie in a year and a half.  I have no savings, not even a 401(k).  I am still single and childless.

So things are pretty bleak.

I gave myself a bit of time to let it sink in, but it only made me feel worse. I haven't been talking to friends about it because when I do I realize how pathetic it all really sounds, and I don't need people feeling sorry for me or taking pity on me anymore than they already are.  Plus, talking about it just makes me sadder.

So, while I will continue to do an IUI or two when I can afford it (dr. gives that a 1-2% chance of working) and may continue to try the old fashioned way, the big guns are over for now. 

I am going to spend the rest of this year trying to turn the rest of my life around. 

I made a list of things to do to change my life:

1.  Focus on career - find an in-house legal job at a production company/studio, or find another film(s) to work on as producer/line producer. Or start my own entertainment law practice at home.
2.  Spend less time on Facebook and gossip web sites.
3.  Watch less tv.
4.  Lose 5-8 pounds, and hike at least once per week.
5.  Get finances in order - pay down credit card debt, put together a realistic budget for single life and life with baby.
6.  Get a car.
7.  Start dating again
8.  Begin therapy when I can afford it. 
9. Work on envy/jealousy issues (see therapy, above).
10.  Figure out a way to have a baby.

My goal is to make sure to do at least 1-2 of these things every day, and keep track of them.  For yesterday, I watched less television, and I got a potential new legal client for a small project.  Unfortunately I also ate a half a can of chocolate frosting for dinner, so that wasn't so good.  Baby steps. Wow, did I really just write that?  It's like I'm torturing myself.

Fake Out or Flip Out or Nod Out? 11dp6dt

Since my last post I went through another round of IVF with my own eggs.  I re-tested my hormone levels and they were much better (still not "normal" but not nearly as psychotic as before).  Inhibin B was 46 (should be greater than 45), FSH was 11 (should be below 10, but this is obviously way better than 17), and my antral follicle count was 12, which is higher than it has ever been before.  My doctor told me that egg donation still gives me the best chance but if I were his wife he would have her go for it based on my AFC.  He called it a hunch and I started injectibles that day. 

I produced 5 eggs - 1 excellent quality, 2 good quality and 2 poor.  The first 3 fertilized. Egg #4 (the poor one) developed a polar body on Day 2 so we fertilized it as well, and it divided.  In the end, 1 egg made it to blastocyst on Day 6 and poor old #4 made it to Day 5.  The others didn't make it.  We implanted #s 1 and 4 11 days ago.  I go in for my beta tomorrow.

I am totally flipped out.  Last Friday I started having the kind of cramping I get when my period was about to start, and I spent the night a weepy mess, thinking it was all over. Then over the weekend I started to convince myself that the continued cramping could be a positive sign, not a negative one (based on some very unscientific internet research).  My boobs are also super tender but that could be a result of the progesterone and/or estrogen I'm on.  Basically my "symptoms" are faking me out. 

When I was in summer camp growing up, our Olympic Games always came on the 8th week of camp. We knew within a few days when it would start - but the counselors almost always staged at least one Fake Out before the real Break Out.  We were all on pins and needles for days, not knowing if this would be the day it all started, or if we would just get all excited for no reason. 

This sort of feels like that.  Except that I couldn't play sports and wasn't competitve, so I actually preferred the Fake Outs to the Breakouts, since I preferred regular camp life to Olympic Camp Life.

Ironic, huh.

I am just so terrified of bad news tomorrow.  I have let my guard down a bit and gotten my hopes up that these symptoms mean I could be pregnant.  I have even started to fantasize about telling people around Christmastime.  I normally don't even let myself go there.  These symptoms have really messed with my head this time around.

If it's bad news I will need to seriously face the music that it is over.  I don't know how I"m going to process it.  I do know that I will need to get back in shape and get more serious about moving my career along.  I'm going to have to make those 2 things my top priority, and put baby making on a backburner or maybe even pack it away forever.  I'm so not ready to do that, but I am out of money and there really is no other way to keep trying, unless I go back to trying the old-fashioned way with Mr. D.  Maybe I'll do that.  My doctor tells me there's a less than 1% chance but I suppose it's better than zero percent.

I'm just really scared. I can't think straight. I had what almost amounted to an anxiety attack today at work.  I can't concentrate. I just keep playing computer games to try to stay busy, since I know that productivity is gone until at least Thursday. 

I'm wondering if I should take tomorrow afternoon off if I get bad news.  Maybe take a drive out to the beach with my dog, or go on a long hike. But I know I won't do it.  I'll probably just sit in my office and cry, feel sorry for myself and sulk.

But I write all of this and I still hope, I pray, I wish, I BEG, for the news to be positive. 

I know I could have tested at home starting several days ago, but I just don't want to be the bearer of my own bad news.

I just don't know how many defeats I can face.