I have to admit, things are not so good right now.
I've been walking around, living my life day to day, trying my best to pay my bills and get myself pregnant. For the most part I have been strong - trying not to get too down and out about things and just take it day by day/month by month.
But last week it all changed after my roommate got fed up with me and moved out.
So my roommate (who I will call Rose) and I have become very close friends. When she moved in last spring, I was just getting ready to find a donor and start the process of trying to get pregnant. She was dealing with the possible break-up of her boyfriend and re-starting her writing career in Los Angeles. We bonded immediately. We started doing everything together - hiking, eating, watching mystery shows on PBS, and going to the Sunday farmers market. During the next 7 months she became my confidante and really the only person who saw on a daily basis how exactly the TTC process was affecting me physically, emotionally and financially.
Over the last month or so, things have shifted and we were starting to get on each other's nerves and found that we weren't really connecting anymore. She was getting ready to move back home (she and her boyfriend have reconciled and are now engaged). Last Thursday afternoon we went for a hike with the dog, during the course of which we both got angry at each other (she was mad that I left the dog off the leash, and I was mad at her for walking ahead of me and not waiting for me and the dog), and upon coming home that afternoon (after a long silent car ride) she declared that she was leaving that day (2 days early).
I was stunned. I knew that I was mad at and annoyed with her, but didn't have any clue why she was so fed up with me that she had to leave immediately. So I asked her.
And that's when everything fell apart.
She laid it all out for me. Basically, she has been watching in horror as my life has unraveled over the past months, and she just couldn't sit by and take it anymore. She reminded me that I am not currently working, am having trouble paying my regular monthly bills (let alone my credit card debt) and don't have any sort of Plan B for if I don't get pregnant (or even, if I DO get pregnant). She's worried that I am not being realistic about my life and told me that she basically felt like she was getting too close and taking on too much responsibility for me (cooking me dinner so that I have proper food to eat, etc.).
Granted, I had my issues with her as well (some of which we discussed) but honestly, what she said really struck a nerve because she's right. Looking at the facts (just the facts, no judgments), I am 40 years old (41 in less than 4 months), single, unemployed, in need of a new car, broke, and in some crazy credit card debt.
Now, adding judgment to the facts - I have pissed away $15,000 (no lie) on fertility treatments over the course of the last year and have nothing to show for it. I have no savings left. Though I look for a job daily, the film jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) don't pay a living wage anyway, and the law jobs (a) don't seem to exist right now and (b) the ones that do exist don't want me because I haven't been practicing steadily for many years. I have not thought through how much longer I will try to get pregnant (and how much more $$ I am willing to spend) and what I will do if it doesn't work out.
So basically, I'm a mess.
I cried for 3 days and am now starting to come out of the fog.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself - I want to CHANGE things. I want to work, have a steady income, and get pregnant. When I was a kid I wanted fancy houses and cars and "stuff" but I really don't want that now. I just want to live my little life and have enough money to pay the bills and raise a family. I'm working on it - and know that I will eventually get work, but it is so incredibly frustrating and stressful to keep trying and have it not work out time and time again, especially when the world is telling me that I am old and pretty much a loser in life.
As for Rose, she and I are cool - I actually thanked her for giving me the tough love that nobody else has had the nerve to give me. And it was some tough love.
And now I have to figure out what to do about it all.
