Dog Alert!

Those are the two words that absolutely grate on me the most right now.

My lovely gay couple are incredibly high maintenance about their dogs. These are two perfectly well behaved dogs, yet every time we are out with them and either one of their human owners sees another dog, I hear "Dog Alert!" Then, the two of them scramble to pull their dogs aside, distract them and prevent them from barking. It is quite a system they have. It means that when we go hiking, every five seconds I hear "Dog Alert"! To make matters worse, if a dog is off leash (as MANY dogs are on hiking trails, including my own) they start yelling at said dog to BACK OFF, as if that dog is specifically out to get their dogs. In addition, there are mumbled comments about owners who keep their dogs off leash or unneutered. At dinner last week, we were talking about our lifestyles and I mentioned how I'm generally a pretty laid back person. Their response? "We are, too. DOG ALERT!" I am not kidding.

Frankly, I can't stand it.

I tried diligently to break up with them two weeks ago, but they came back with an offer to be simply Known Donors rather than co-parents. This offer was VERY tempting, as I had fantasies of me being the sole legal and physical guardian of a child, with unlimited visitation from them. The thought of having a dad(s) to love is so darned tempting and I would never want to deny a child of that right. However, their offer was quickly amended to want to have their name on the birth certificate, to maintain legal rights "for insurance reasons" and to be consulted on major decisions. They even want to sleep at my house during those first infant months to help out with feedings etc. So nothing has changed at all. I mean, the conversation included such statements/questions as "we wouldn't be happy being just Disney Dads; I mean, you wouldn't want us to be just Disney Dads, would you?" My answer was "uh, yes, that is exactly what I want". So we see where this is headed, which is nowhere good. I am going to have to break up with them again, this time for good, and man am I dreading it.

So moving on, I am having dinner tonight with Airplane Baby Daddy (ABD?). I have only met him once, and for only half an hour, so I have no idea of what his expectations are, but I will find out in about 2 hours. Trying not to get too excited or scared. There is only a potential human life on the line, after all.

Being Alone

The thing I hate most about being single is having to make all decisions alone. I have no problem doing things on my own or living alone - give me a lazy Sunday to go on a hike, make homemade brownies or go grocery shopping, and I am a happy girl. But if I have to decide on anything important, I really want to make the decision with someone else. I find myself living in a kind of limbo of not making any decisions, and therefore not moving forward on anything, for months or years at a time. I've wanted to take a vacation (to Africa or South America) for years but since there's nobody to go with, I just think about it and do nothing to make it happen. I haven't left the country in 3 years.

That said, if I have someone who is invested, I'm happy to make decisions on our behalf. The last time I did leave the country was when I traveled to Cuba with a good friend. It was my idea and once she validated it, I was able to do all the research and make all the arrangements. We had a great time and even though I know I was responsible for the trip, I couldn't have done it without her telling me it was OK and agreeing to go with me. I suppose this is a weakness of mine, which is that I don't trust my own judgment and am looking for validation from others.

So needless to say, having nobody as invested in the baby issue as I am makes it all that much harder to make decisions and take action. Nobody but me is really going to care if I DON'T become a mom, so nobody is giving me that extra push or encouragement that I need. I talk to friends about it, and they are supportive, yet they really are very disconnected. I know it's a cynical thought, but the truth is people really only care about their own lives and don't really want to get that involved in yours. This is not a judgment -- we are all the same way. I can listen to a friend's problems and give advice but when I hang up the phone or drive away, I'm back into my own world of problems.

I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself that I don't have anyone who REALLY will get involved and tell me what to do. I've been independent for so long that I don't even know if I have the skills to be in a relationship; yet I long for someone to lean on, someone who will help me make decisions. I fear that I'm going to sit on my butt for months and years and not make a decision until it's too late. I don't want to have regrets either way, yet whatever decision I make will ultimately be my responsibility. RESPONSIBILITY. At 40 years old, I guess I'm going to have to take some of that for myself. I didn't think I would have to do it on my own, though.

Maybe I Won't Break Up With The Gay Couple After All

So I tried to break up with the gay couple today and instead was presented with what I think could be a great offer.

Earlier this week they sent me an email saying they were ready to freeze their sperm and thought we should sit down and talk through all the logistics and details together. This freaked me out to say the least. I mean, I can't even manage a regular, heterosexual, one-on-one romantic relationship, and now I'm plunging head-first into a lifetime partnership with not one but TWO men who I barely know. I wrote them back and said that to be completely honest, I was nervous that we didn't know each other for very long and that I unfortunately don't have the time to get to know them (given my advanced age and withering eggs). I told them that because of this, I am leaning towards finding a "Known Donor" rather than a Co-Parent situation. Ideally I would love to have a father (or fathers) for my child who are proper parents in the way that divorced couples are to their children; but jumping into it with strangers is like eloping after the first date with no chance of annulment if things go bad. Basically, I'm too chicken to go through with it. I did agree to meet with them to discuss it further.

When I saw them today they seemed positively heartbroken. How did I get myself into this mess? All I want is a baby and now I've gone and ruined these guys' week. They described the mental roller coaster that this journey has been and seemed really depressed. It was awkward to say the least.

Then they came at me with a new proposition. They said although it's not ideal, they would be willing to be Known Donors. Now, what this means to them exactly I'm not 100% sure but it did perk my interest. I told them that I was incredibly grateful for the offer but I KNOW that they want to be active and involved parents and I would feel incredibly guilty taking that away from them. Their response was that yes, they would prefer to be co-parents but they could probably live with being known donors. They want to have a child that badly.

In my head I am already feeling better. In this new fantasy scenario I could be a mom, have sole guardianship of my child, and give the male influences that the child needs and deserves. My child would know who his genetic father is and be loved by not one but TWO dads. I would grant as much visitation as they would want but wouldn't have to negotiate every last little decision (where does the kid go to school? How do we deal with holidays? What religion do we raise the child? What is the child's last name? etc etc.). At first glance, it actually sounds pretty darn optimal.

I know there are huge risks here. They could change their minds at any time and fight for custody. They could become more involved than I would want them to be. Frankly, the opposite could happen - what if I build up expectations and they don't end up fulfilling them? So many complications could arise but I do feel that this is still better than having an anonymous donor. I want my baby to look at his or her father in the eyes and know that there is love there.

So today I look at my gay couple with new eyes. Instead of being irritated with Alpha, I see the possibility of being a single mom without the guilt of not providing the child with a dad. That makes me feel awfully good right now. Let's see how I feel in a few days or weeks. If the euphoria lasts, I may just go for it.

Jealousy and Friendship

The emotion that always stops me in my tracks is that little green monster called jealousy. I don't mean the kind where you are jealous of other girls looking at your boyfriend. I'm talking about jealousy of other people's lives. I'm unfortunately the kind of person who gets a knot in her stomach when she hears that someone is engaged, or pregnant, or just bought a house with her spouse. It's the trait about me that I am least proud of and although I try not to let it influence my friendships, it is hard.

So imagine my state of mind when I was going up north to visit my 4 best college girlfriends for the weekend, three of whom have children. We have been a "clique" since 1988 -- 22 years of friendship. These girls were at one time my very rocks of my life. We have of course all gone on to lead our own lives and although we vacation together about once a year, some of the friendships have drifted and it's partly due to this envy that I can't seem to shake. One of them lives the "perfect" All-American life -- husband, nice house in the suburbs, 2 beautiful kids, plenty of money, involved grandparents for the children on both sides, etc. etc. I love my friend but find that my jealousy makes me not want to stay in closer touch. Our friendship has become more of an acquaintance-ship. We make small talk, talk about the old days and ask each other who else we keep in touch with. And that whole exchange always makes me so sad.

So, given all of my recent baby-thinking and financial difficulties, I was not looking forward to the weekend with the girls. I just couldn't deal with the thought of watching their perfect lives unfold, and having to answer qusetions about what is new in my life. They all have homes, spouses, children, in-laws and jobs. I have none of those things and feel that I have nothing to contribute.

But, I went and I have to say, I'm glad I went.

Jealousy or not, these girls are still my home. We have the kind of friendship where we don't need to talk. We can just BE. We don't need to put on a show for each other. We don't bother to get dressed up and put on makeup. We can just be ourselves. My one "perfect" friend asked me what was new and I said "nothing" and that was the end of the conversation. I don't know if she sensed that I didn't want to talk, but either way we just moved on and enjoyed each other's company.

The funny thing is, I became the Pied Piper of all the kids. They all wanted to play with me all the time. I became their de facto leader. They loved me and they loved my dog (even the 2 young girls who were scared of dogs at the beginnign of the weekend). They held my hand when we went for a hike, and gave me a huge hug a the end of the weekend. We smiled and laughed and played and generally had a blast.

The only part of the weekend that made me sad is that this is exactly how I pictured us all growing older together. I pictured we would get together periodically with our children and all live happily ever after, drinking smoothies by the pool as our kids played. Which is exactly what we are doing. Except that I am the one who doesn't have children. The irony of course is that I am the one who always really WANTED to have children. So, I do feel a huge loss that I can't raise my kids with my friends.

So, I walked away from the weekend feeling even more determined than ever to have kids and pronto. And, I'm really glad I got to see and spent time with my ladies.

Co-Parenting as an Option

Since my last post, I have done quite a bit of research on co-parenting. I joined a support group here in LA for potential co-parents and I signed up with several websites that help you find others who want to co-parent. I've met some interesting people who want to have children and are willing to step outside the norms of the nuclear family to do so. I've also found a few weirdos.

I have spent some quality time with a gay couple that lives about 30 miles away from me. I met them through one of the co-parenting websites and they invited me to their house one evening. Based on their web profile, I instantly liked them. They are both very well educated, they own a home, have a couple of dogs and generally seem like my kind of people. The first meeting was a bit awkward, like a first date of sorts (except with not one but TWO men). Everyone was nervous. How do you go from "so, what do you do for a living" to "how would you like to share our lives for 20+ years"? without sounding like a psycho? We all talked openly about our lives and our families and what we want out of parenting. A nice evening all around but I was left feeling a bit "off". I was excited about the possibility of giving my child not one but TWO dads who love him or her. That made me so happy. They also talked about wanting to be really involved (as they put it, they don't want to be just weekend dads); they even mentioned the possibility of being the "primary" parents. That was a bit of a flag but I ignored it. Of the two, one of them (Alpha) did most of the talking and seemed super opinionated; the other (Beta) would be the biological parent (because they feel he is better looking). Beta was super quiet and shy, and seemed to have trouble finishing thoughts....he would sort of trail off and leave the end of the sentence hanging. Another small flag. Super nice but not particularly well spoken. But, it was a lovely enough evening and I liked them a lot, so we decided to get together again.

The second "date" was a gathering at their house with their family and friends. I hate going to parties, especially when I don't know anyone. Add on the pressure cooker situation of having to make an impression on all these people (including Alpha and Beta) and I was not really relaxed. I had a nice time at the BBQ and met another interesting set of co-parents. These people had a fascinating situation. It was another gay couple -- Blonde Guy and Brunette. Brunette was the biological dad and Blonde Guy's sister was the biological mother. This makes Blondie the biological dad and biological uncle. They all live happily together in the same home. I didn't ask too many questions (not wanting to pry) but they seemed like nice people and the kid seemed perfectly well-adjusted. Not exactly a Norman Rockwell painting but it seems to work for them.

The third date was at my house. By this point, I really feel like I'm in a relationship with these two guys and I'm starting to feel some pressure. By the end of that date I realized that I need to break up with them. Alpha is way too alpha for me and I don't think I could co-parent with him. I would feel judged all the time and could see all sorts of potential conflicts and possible custody issues arising. Also, it's uncomfortable that there are two of them and only one of me, which makes me feel outnumbered if there were ever a conflict.

So now I find myself needing to break up with not one, but TWO guys. Part of the reason I'm still single at the age of 40 is that I hate dating, and breakups and conflict, and I have put myself in this very twisted version of the same situation I have avoided for so many years. How's that for irony?

In the meantime, I have met another possible co-parent (Plane Guy) who so far seems very promising. He lives in another part of the state but owns his own plane so it is easy for him to come down to my area. He's tall, good looking, smart and seems to want to be a "weekend" dad. I only met him for a half an hour one time, but I think we are both interested in continuing to talk. My biggest concern with him is that I may not have enough time to wait for him. With a known donor, you have to bank the sperm for 6 months before starting the process (to test and re-test for HIV). By the time we spend some more time together and decide if we want to proceed, THEN wait 6 months, I may be 41. Yikes.

So, the journey and exploration continues. It's been a bit depressing and a bit exhilerating, depending on the day. Now I just have to figure out how to break up with 2 hippie gay guys.