Weirdest Pseudo-Date With a Prospective Known Donor Ever

What a weird life I live.

I've mentioned several times how much I struggle with the anonymous donor issue. I'm reading this fantastic book called "Knock Yourself Up", and there was one sentence in it that caught my attention and could end up changing my course. It suggested that some women find support groups to meet gay men who want to co-parent. Hmmmm......interesting approach!

So last week I did a google search for "co-parents gay los angeles" and ended up finding three websites and a meetup group, all of which allow people who want to co-parent to meet each other. The meetup group is more of a support group, while the other 3 are more like online dating sites, but for possible known donors and/or co-parents. Many of the prospective donors/co-parents are gay, and many of the donees are lesbian couples or single women.

I promptly signed up for all the websites, posted a short profile and looked for folks in the Los Angeles area who might be interested in being a known donor or co-parent. I've done the profile thing a gazillion times before, on various dating websites, but this was obviously different. I'm not really in it to impress anyone. I kept it short and simple, stating who I am (40 year old single straight woman) and what I want (known donor or co-parent in the Los Angeles area).

Turns out this is a bigger business abroad than here in the states. I understand why - in the states, you cannot contract the rights of a child, so no matter what agreement you come to with your donor or co-parent, it will not be enforceable. Very murky waters to tread. But, there are some folks out there who want to donate and/or co-parent so I found them and wrote to them.

One guy (who I refer to as The Narcissist) found me and wrote me a note. In his profile, he detailed how gorgeous and smart he is. According to his profile, he is 32 years old, 6 feet tall, very handsome, and a member of MENSA. He also made sure to mention that he has several gorgeous children created through artificial insemination. The kicker was that the picture he posted didn't seem to be a picture of a real person; it was clearly a picture of a beach model, 6 pack abs and all. Strange. Although I knew by his tone that he wouldn't be someone I would pick to be a donor, I agreed to meet him. I figured, what the hell, it's somewhere to start.

So, today was D Day. I met him for coffee at a public place (I even brought my dog, not that he would ever protect me but what the hell....plus, you can tell a lot about a person by how they handle dogs). Needless to say, he was NOT as described in his profile. First, he looked absolutely nothing like the picture he put up (which I suspected, because there was no way that picture was actually a real live person!). He was this skinny, nerdy Indian guy, pocket protector and all. Not at all bad looking but certainly not the model he described himself to be.

Now, I've been out on more blind dates than I can count, and if I do say so myself, I'm pretty good and keeping an initial conversation going for an hour or so. I assumed today's "date" would be the same. It wasn't. It was awkward, filled with weird pauses where I couldn't think of a thing to say. Asking questions about his personality seemed so silly, since I knew from the moment I saw him that he wasn't "the one". He told me that he has previously donated to another sperm bank, and he brought out all the medical tests and records from that, along with pictures of his 4 children. He also told me he wouldn't want any money from me, and is just doing this to do a favor to someone in need. Nice to hear but hard to believe.

Here's the kicker, though. When I was perusing through the results of these records, I saw his date of birth. Turns out he is born the same year as me, not 8 years later as it said on his profile. Innnnnnnteresting! That set off the hugest lightbulb of all. PEOPLE LIE ON THESE WEBSITES AND TO THE CRYOBANKS. You absolutely cannot trust one single thing people say. The only information you can rely on is the medical and genetic testing.

Today solidified in my mind the fears I've had about anonymous donors. What if I had gone onto a cryobank, seen his profile with no adult video or photograph, and decided to go with him? I would be getting something that was completely falsely advertised. Sure, he seemed like a nice enough person but he was not what he said he was.

I know I am fighting an uphill battle in terms of time (especially with the 6 month waiting period if using a known donor). But, at least for now, I just cannot wrap my head around not knowing the donor. I need to look this person in the eyes and get a feel for who he is. I know I am not marrying him or being intimate with him or (necessarily) even co-parenting with him. But I need to trust him as a person.

This co-parenting option is also something very interesting to me. I know how sketchy it seems and how ugly it could get. But, I'm going to explore it. In fact, tonight is Date #2 -- with a gay couple who wants to co-parent. Cross your fingers and who knows, I could end up being an SMC whose child has 2 daddies!

Holy Crap I'm 40

I spent my 30th birthday in a hosptial bed in the ICU in San Francisco. I had contracted a very rare and deadly blood disorder called TTP (Thrombotic Thrombocytopenia Purpura for those medical-type readers) as a result of e-coli poisoning. It was a bummer to say the least. I was in the hosptial for 39 days and by the time I got out, I had undergone blood transfusions, plasmapheresis, dialysis and chemotherapy.

That experience changed my life, to be sure. Within a year I quit my very lucrative job as a corporate attorney, and decided to become a filmmaker. I didn't know or care where I would be in 10 years. And now, 10 years later has arrived.

So when people asked how I felt about turning 40 last week, I tell them that, well, I'm alive, I'm healthy (fully recovered, thank you very much!) and I'm pursuing my dream, so really, how bad could it be?

Well......

I made a very deliberate choice to quit my job and change careers. I'm a freelancer now, which I love. What I don't love is not knowing what my paycheck will be week to week. I love being able to pick up and go to Texas, or Alaska, or Las Vegas, to shoot a movie. I don't love having to have a roommate, and sometimes having to shop for groceries at the 99 cent store. I love my friends. I don't so much love watching them get engaged, then married, then pregnant.

Until very recently, I looked at my 30s as a kind of adventure. Where would my next film take me? Who would I meet on my next project? I traveled, met lots of fascinating people, got a dog, did lots of hiking, spent time with my family, and went to film school (not in that order). All my friends were jealous because I followed my dreams.

But now, here I am, at 40. Still single, still living in a rented apartment with roommates, still struggling, still wanting a family. I look back at my 30s and can't help but wonder if it was all a bit too self-indulgent. Sure, I had a multitude of experiences both good and bad, but I don't have anything to show for them. Most people work hard and at the end of 10 years they have something....maybe a home, or a spouse, or a family, or a nest egg. I don't have diddly squat.

Needless to say, the panic has struck, my clock is ticking louder than ever, and I am realizing that all that time I thought I had is dwindling down to nothing. Financially, I am not ready for the fertility treatments or for a baby. I'm still struggling with the known vs anonymous donor issue. If I were 35, I'd continue to think. But I'm not 35. I'm 40. I don't want to lose another minute, another month, another cycle. I'm so freaking scared that it's too late for me.

I don't know how 40 crept up on me, but it did, and I have some work to do now to make my 40s count for something more than just my own selfish happiness.