Coming Out of the Haze

So for all those who read my last blog entry, I wholeheartedly apologize.  Wow, I really take first prize in the "feeling most sorry for myself" contest.   But, I'm forcing myself to climb out of the hole.  I have even tackled one or two things from my "improve my life" list.

I have been hiking every week, which I absolutely love. Nothing makes me calmer or more content than walking with my dog through a cool, breezy mountain under the stars with my hiking group.  I have half-heartedly gotten back online, and even have a coffee date scheduled for this week.  I haven't been so good about staying off the internet but hey, one day at a time.  I'm still job hunting but am also grateful to even have this dead-end temp job, so I will stop complaining about that as well. 

I had a pumpkin carving party at my house on the day before Halloween.  It was good to be with family and friends for a few hours and not talk about myself at all.  We had contest for cutest pumpkin, scariest pumpkin and most creative pumpkin.  I am still working my way through all the candy and pumpkin seeds. 

OK so my guests didn't get quite as advanced as this, but we all still smiled real big!

This weekend I went to a friend's birthday party at the horse races in Santa Anita, which was super fun.  We got all dolled up and had a great time. I didn't know any of the guests beforehand but it didn't matter.  We all placed our $2 bets and had a blast.  We even got to meet one of the horse owners and watch a horse get saddled up for his race.  Man, those jockeys are TINY! I always knew they were small but I had no idea how small you really have to be to be a jockey. 

Bugle Serenade at the Races

So, slowly but surely, I am making my way back into the world.  Some days I do sink back into the woe-is-me moods, but I find ways to console myself, like by watching a good movie or reading a good book or walking my dog. 

I still have a long way to go, and am not even sure where I am going, but I am hoping to get there eventually. 

Super Dog on Halloween

Time for Change

Well, IVF#2 was a big, fat, failure. 

What can I say? I have tried everything under the sun, and put my life on complete hold for two years (!) and have nothing to show for it.  In fact I have LESS than I did two years ago.  I have no car, and I'm stuck in a dead-end temp legal job. I haven't made a movie in a year and a half.  I have no savings, not even a 401(k).  I am still single and childless.

So things are pretty bleak.

I gave myself a bit of time to let it sink in, but it only made me feel worse. I haven't been talking to friends about it because when I do I realize how pathetic it all really sounds, and I don't need people feeling sorry for me or taking pity on me anymore than they already are.  Plus, talking about it just makes me sadder.

So, while I will continue to do an IUI or two when I can afford it (dr. gives that a 1-2% chance of working) and may continue to try the old fashioned way, the big guns are over for now. 

I am going to spend the rest of this year trying to turn the rest of my life around. 

I made a list of things to do to change my life:

1.  Focus on career - find an in-house legal job at a production company/studio, or find another film(s) to work on as producer/line producer. Or start my own entertainment law practice at home.
2.  Spend less time on Facebook and gossip web sites.
3.  Watch less tv.
4.  Lose 5-8 pounds, and hike at least once per week.
5.  Get finances in order - pay down credit card debt, put together a realistic budget for single life and life with baby.
6.  Get a car.
7.  Start dating again
8.  Begin therapy when I can afford it. 
9. Work on envy/jealousy issues (see therapy, above).
10.  Figure out a way to have a baby.

My goal is to make sure to do at least 1-2 of these things every day, and keep track of them.  For yesterday, I watched less television, and I got a potential new legal client for a small project.  Unfortunately I also ate a half a can of chocolate frosting for dinner, so that wasn't so good.  Baby steps. Wow, did I really just write that?  It's like I'm torturing myself.

Fake Out or Flip Out or Nod Out? 11dp6dt

Since my last post I went through another round of IVF with my own eggs.  I re-tested my hormone levels and they were much better (still not "normal" but not nearly as psychotic as before).  Inhibin B was 46 (should be greater than 45), FSH was 11 (should be below 10, but this is obviously way better than 17), and my antral follicle count was 12, which is higher than it has ever been before.  My doctor told me that egg donation still gives me the best chance but if I were his wife he would have her go for it based on my AFC.  He called it a hunch and I started injectibles that day. 

I produced 5 eggs - 1 excellent quality, 2 good quality and 2 poor.  The first 3 fertilized. Egg #4 (the poor one) developed a polar body on Day 2 so we fertilized it as well, and it divided.  In the end, 1 egg made it to blastocyst on Day 6 and poor old #4 made it to Day 5.  The others didn't make it.  We implanted #s 1 and 4 11 days ago.  I go in for my beta tomorrow.

I am totally flipped out.  Last Friday I started having the kind of cramping I get when my period was about to start, and I spent the night a weepy mess, thinking it was all over. Then over the weekend I started to convince myself that the continued cramping could be a positive sign, not a negative one (based on some very unscientific internet research).  My boobs are also super tender but that could be a result of the progesterone and/or estrogen I'm on.  Basically my "symptoms" are faking me out. 

When I was in summer camp growing up, our Olympic Games always came on the 8th week of camp. We knew within a few days when it would start - but the counselors almost always staged at least one Fake Out before the real Break Out.  We were all on pins and needles for days, not knowing if this would be the day it all started, or if we would just get all excited for no reason. 

This sort of feels like that.  Except that I couldn't play sports and wasn't competitve, so I actually preferred the Fake Outs to the Breakouts, since I preferred regular camp life to Olympic Camp Life.

Ironic, huh.

I am just so terrified of bad news tomorrow.  I have let my guard down a bit and gotten my hopes up that these symptoms mean I could be pregnant.  I have even started to fantasize about telling people around Christmastime.  I normally don't even let myself go there.  These symptoms have really messed with my head this time around.

If it's bad news I will need to seriously face the music that it is over.  I don't know how I"m going to process it.  I do know that I will need to get back in shape and get more serious about moving my career along.  I'm going to have to make those 2 things my top priority, and put baby making on a backburner or maybe even pack it away forever.  I'm so not ready to do that, but I am out of money and there really is no other way to keep trying, unless I go back to trying the old-fashioned way with Mr. D.  Maybe I'll do that.  My doctor tells me there's a less than 1% chance but I suppose it's better than zero percent.

I'm just really scared. I can't think straight. I had what almost amounted to an anxiety attack today at work.  I can't concentrate. I just keep playing computer games to try to stay busy, since I know that productivity is gone until at least Thursday. 

I'm wondering if I should take tomorrow afternoon off if I get bad news.  Maybe take a drive out to the beach with my dog, or go on a long hike. But I know I won't do it.  I'll probably just sit in my office and cry, feel sorry for myself and sulk.

But I write all of this and I still hope, I pray, I wish, I BEG, for the news to be positive. 

I know I could have tested at home starting several days ago, but I just don't want to be the bearer of my own bad news.

I just don't know how many defeats I can face.

An Unlikely Affair

It appears that I am having an affair with the father of my future child.  I suppose there's not too many people out there who would call this circumstance unusual, but in my very odd and sometimes backwards life, this was not part of the plan.

For those of you who know me in person and/or think of me as an asexual being, you might want to skip this post.  Also this post is really long so apologies to those with short attention spans. Finally, it'd be great if whoever reads this refrains from judging me or Mr. D.  Thanks :-)

It all started back in June, after my failed IVF.  My Donor (Mr. D -trying out that nickname) suggested we try things the natural way before I go and blow another $20k on more treatments.  I hesitated.  We've known each other for a year but had never been intimate in any way, nor did we really think of each other in those terms (at least I didn't).  We had in the past tried a very awkward at-home insemination at his office using a cup and needle less syringe. When it came to June, though, he balked at doing it that way again.  Sort of like a guy who complains about having to use a condom (they take away all the sensation!), he complained about having to do the deed into a cup (it's so clinical and impersonal!).  After only a small amount of encouragement, I agreed to go forth and multiply the natural, old-fashioned way. 

When I arrived for our first official skin to skin contact session, I was a nervous wreck (who wouldn't be?).  I always thought of him as good looking and kind, but I just didn't ever allow myself to think of him in a sexual way, because we had this very businesslike contract and quite a bit at stake for the future.  Add to this the fact that (a) I hadn't had sex in over two years (!), (b) he was involved with someone else (more on that in a minute), (c) everyone knows that sex complicates things, and (d) if things went bad I would lose my potential Baby Daddy, and I was understandably terrified.  Although I don't drink at all, I immediately took him up on an offer for a drink, and we went to a nearby watering hole where I drank half a glass of red wine and felt flushed and relaxed within minutes.  Within a half hour after that, we were back at his office where he had set up music and candles.  I let him initiate because I was frankly too freaked out - I mean, were we supposed to kiss? Should there be foreplay and if so, how much? Is this something we should enjoy and make tender or is it something much more businesslike?

Luckily he took very nice care of me and made it as easy, warm and as comfortable as possible given the awkward circumstances.  He started with a big bear hug which led to a kiss and so on and so on.  As he wrote me later, it was a very sweet and tender moment with a good purpose.

I left that day feeling more connected to him but still in a non-romantic way.  When I got my BFN from that cycle, I started thinking about trying again.  On my 2nd trip up, he got us a hotel room next to the airport where we frolicked with more ease and comfort than before.  However, he told me that he was having problems at home because his girlfriend suspected something was up. 

This was obviously a huge issue for both of us but obviously more so for him.  When he first suggested sleeping together many months back, we were both single but I declined and said it was better, safer and overall healthier if we went through doctors.  But when he suggested it in June, I was at the end of my rope with all the failures of IUIs and IVFs and decided it was time to give it a go.  However, by then he was seeing another woman.  She knew of my existence and the IVF attempt and understandably wasn't happy about any of it. She apparently had been so upset before my IVF that she couldn't sleep for 2 weeks.  I know for sure that she felt threatened by me, and frankly I felt threatened by her, not because of any romantic interest in her boyfriend, but because she might convince him to back out of our arrangement. 

So before we slept together, I was in a moral quandry about what to do. I admit that I was blinded by my desperation from all my BFNs and probably did not use good judgment, and I am not proud of what I did.  But at the time I felt that I HAD to do it.  We discussed whether he would tell her and ultimately he decided not to.  He repeatedly assured me that whatever happens is his responsibility 100% and I would not be to blame.  I think he knew in the back of his mind that he was not fully committed to this woman, and being with me was a way to face that for himself. 

Back to that hotel room in July.  He told me that she must have read his emails that morning because he sensed she knew I was coming to town.  He knew there would be trouble waiting for him at home that night and was starting to take more serious stock in what was happening with their relationship.  I kept my distance for a while and ultimately it appears she decided to overlook her suspicions.

At that point I would say that our physical chemistry was good and we were definitely growing closer. When I got my BFN that month, I have to admit I was actually looking forward to going up there again to see him.

It's the third time that changed things for me.  This time I actually drove up north, and got to his office at around 9pm. Let me tell you, this time our chemistry was sizzling hot.  There was no small talk, no awkward exchanges.  We just got right to the point.  When I jokingly asked him "how was your day?" as we were getting dressed, he told me that he thought the girlfriend hired a private investigator or was otherwise spying on him, because she seemed to know again that I was coming to town, even though we had only made the arrangements earlier that same day.  He seemed to sense that he was in big trouble and that the end was near with her. 

I stayed with a friend in the city that night, and the next day, after my morning romp with Mr. D, we went to get coffee and something inside me changed.  At that moment, it occurred to me that I was starting to have actual real feelings for him.  Suddenly I didn't understand why I never let myself go there mentally before.  I mean, we had a million things in common, got along really well, had great chemistry, and were already trying for a bambino.  It also occurred to me that for the first time, I was feeling more than just threatened by the girlfriend. I was feeling jealous of her. And I was secretly hoping she did know about us so that she would break up with him.  I was also feeling like a home wrecker, which made me feel a bizarre combination of guilt, mortification and giddiness. 

Luckily these feelings began to fade within a few days, and I decided that I must have just been caught up in the moment of the sex, the secrecy and the uniqueness of our situation. 

About two weeks later I found out that he and the girlfriend did in fact break up.  He reassured me that I was not to blame, that it was 100% his fault, and that he has learned a lot about himself and what he wants from this experience.  I was relieved, not just that they broke up but that I was absolved from blame.  Mostly, though, I was relieved that I would not be competing for his sperm anymore, in the sense that I want to be the only Baby Mama out there until my bambino comes along.

The most devastating day for me in this whole TTC process came less than 2 weeks ago, when my RE told me about my very bad hormone levels, and suggested that I look into donor eggs.  As I've written in prior blog posts, this news hit me so incredibly hard and touched on all sorts of issues relating to my parents and my life.  When I reached out to Mr. D, he couldn't have been sweeter.  This prompted some emails and phone calls where we decided to go on a little getaway together.  Even though my RE told me that I would have less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally, we decided to pretend otherwise and just get away together.  He was going to fly his plane down the coast and I was going to drive up, and we would meet in the middle.

I was really looking forward to the getaway.  My friends all noted that this story is turning into a romantic comedy of epic proportions, and I started to let myself get excited of the possibility of a real romantic connection between me and my newly single sperm donor. 

We did in fact meet up this past weekend, and though it was lovely in some ways, I realize that trying to turn us into a couple is like putting a square peg into a round hole - it just doesn't fit.  I'm not sure I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but we just don't have a romantic connection in that way.  Maybe the expectations were too high, or the girlfriend breakup is too fresh, or more likely, it just isn't meant to be.  That's not to say that things are ending (whatever "things" are), but ultimately I know in my heart that this is not going to be some fairy tale ending of us living happily ever in a big house with a bambino and a great love. 

In fact I admit that I came back from the trip a little bit depressed.  It's that old saying "a taste of honey's worse than none at all."  All this time I've been single and absolutely fine with that. But now I've gotten a little tiny taste of intimacy, and realize how much I am missing it in my life and how much I want to find it with someone I truly connect with.  I know it will ultimately be up to me to try to find that in my life, and although now is definitely not the time for me, I hope that the future will allow me a bigger taste of romantic love that even finds its way to a fairytale happy ending.

And that's where things stand in my convoluted world of romance and bambino making. Stay tuned for the next chapter.




Pismo Beach.



Starting to Face Reality That My Own Eggs Just Aren't Going to Make the Cut

I went in for my bad-news meeting on Friday and not only did my doctor confirm the high FSH result, he also told me that my AMH is 0.16 (should be greater than 1.0) and my Inhibin B is 19 (cutoff is 44; last year it was at an amazingly high 166).  He actually told me that he was surprised at how quickly my numbers have changed, and that it doesn't make complete sense to him given my high egg quality at IVF retrieval back in May.  He asked if I had been under any particular stress and at first I said "no".  I thought about it for a second, though, and then revised my answer - I have been working 90+ hours a week, and did have a car accident last month, and have been dealing with trying the old-fashioned way with a donor who lives 375 miles away.  My RE suggested that I re-test at the start of my next cycle.  If the numbers are still crappy, he will not recommend that I proceed with my own eggs.

I did lose it a little at the doctor's office. I'm sure this happens daily in his office because he has a box of tissues very strategically placed on his desk.  We talked about egg donation.  It turns out it adds an additional $15k to the cost (so approx $30k total).  He briefly explained the process and gave me a list of agencies.  However I have decided I don't want to work with an agency, because (a) it is more expensive and (b) those donors are anonymous.  Given the amount of time and energy I took to find the perfect sperm donor, I can't imagine doing anything less to find an egg donor.  I want my child to know where he/she came from, and I want it to be as open as possible.  Whether that means maintaining a relationship with an egg donor, or just keeping lines of communication open if the child has questions, I don't want there to be secrecy and I want my child to know that this person plays an important role in his/her existence.  My RE seemed a bit shocked at how open I would want it, but in that way I already know how different I am from other SMCs. 

My doctor apologized for making me cry, which was sweet.  I held most of it in until I was in my car on my way to work, when I just absolutely lost it.  I got to the parking lot at work, put my car in park, and bawled like a baby for about 5 minutes.

I was able to pick myself up in order to walk into my office building and make it up the elevator to my office, but I have to admit I didn't get much (any) work done that day.  Instead, I spent the day crying and trolling the internet for egg donors.  Within minutes I found websites with people offering to donate eggs (for a fee of course - I mean nobody is THAT generous).  I have written to several and am corresponding with a few already. 

I wrote to my donor (I still don't have a good online identity name for him!) and told him of the situation.  He is going through his own struggles in his personal life and I keep thinking he will decide to just back out.  But, he keeps staying.  He sent me a really sweet email saying how much he admires me for my attitude, persistence and devotion to this, and my hard work, and told me that he will stick with me on this.  As I told him, I am lucky to have found him as he truly is a one-of-a-kind person. 

I do have a problem keeping my personal problems to myself (I am a gossip even about my own struggles) so I have told pretty much all my friends and family that I have been trying to conceive.  Almost everyone has been very supportive.  There are a few people who I can tell think it's weird and maybe wrong, but they haven't said anything to me out loud - I can just sort of tell from the looks on their face and their follow up questions (things like "um, how exactly will it work?").  I absolutely respect their rights to their opinions and do not judge them for this.  It is a rather unconventional way to live. 

But there's one person who has expressed extreme disapproval with what I'm doing, and unfortunately it is the one person who I have always relied on the most in my past and the person I would want on my side the most.  I told this person about my plans to TTC over a year ago, and he made it very clear to me back then that he thinks what I'm doing is selfish and cruel (bringing a child into the world with no support system of a father, no financial security, and with a mother who struggles financially and has no stable income).  Since then I have not spoken to him about it, though I know that other people in my circle have relayed to him what's going on.  Anyway, the most surprising thing about my reaction to Friday's doctor's appointment is how much I wanted to talk to him about it.  This is a person who in the past has been my confidante, and to not have him to talk this through with has been jarring and upsetting to say the least.  So, in the midst of my tears I wrote him an email just laying it all out.  I told him about my donor, my IUIs, my cyst aspiration surgery, my IVF attempt and the latest disappointment with my hormone levels.  I basically just had to get it off my chest.  It did sort of jump start a conversation although he is currently out of the country so I haven't discussed it with him in person.  I think the main thing is that he doesn't understand that I am way beyond the "thinking" stage and that one way or another, I am going to become a single mom. 

I guess my point is that even though I have been upset about this for a year, I didn't realize HOW upset I really was until Friday, when he was the only person I wanted to talk to and the only person I couldn't talk to.

The hardest part about giving up a biological connection is that I won't get to see my mom live on in another generation.  My mom died 12 years ago and I'm sure in her wildest dreams she didn't think there would be no grandchildren.  I do have a brother but he is single also and who knows what will happen in his future.  I just really wanted to pass along my parents to the next generation.  My cousin had a baby girl last year, and she looks just like my cousin's dad who passed away several years ago.  My cousin said to me "you think someone's gone, then one day you have a baby and you see them again".  That's what I wanted, so so so badly.  Losing my dad's genes is difficult as well, since he is a very special man.  However, he does have 3 young boys, and I'm sure at least one of them (if not all) will live on to pass on his name and genes.  So his side of my genes are sort of covered.  For my mom's side, though, it is the end of the line, as there are no genetic grandchildren (or even nieces or nephews) for her.  This whole thing is making me grieve my mother's loss so much more.  I often wonder what she would make of my crazy life, and if my life would even be the same if she hadn't died.  I made some radical choices in the year or so after she passed away, and I am living the result of those choices to this day.  Who knows, if she hadn't died I may not have done x which led to y which led to z which led to where I am today. 

So basically, I am grieving, living in denial and trying to move on, all at the same time.

See, doctor, no stress at all!

It's Always Something

So even after 4 IUIs, 1 IVF, 1 ICI, 3 old-fashioned tries, and a 40th & 41st birthday behind me, I still want to push forward with another IVF.  I cashed out that final 401(k) from my old lawyering days and was ready to write the check and go.
But.

I mentioned to my RE that my cycle has shortened to 21 days for the past few cycles.  He immediately stopped the process and said something to the effect of "let's re-test your hormone levels, since money doesn't grow on trees and we don't want to waste it".  He put me on birth control pills to delay the cycle while we wait for the test results.  I have an appointment with him this Friday to go over the results.  However, by yesterday I couldn't wait any longer and I called the office to see if any of the results had come in.  A few of the tests had come back and they are not good.

My fsh, which is supposed to be below 10 (and always had been under 10 in the past) has spiked to 17!  This is very very bad.  Though I haven't spoken to the doctor yet, I do know that many clinics will not even consider me a candidate for IVF with an fsh this high. 

This is devastating news.

I'm really really really depressed about it. Everywhere I look it's babies! and husbands! and weddings! and home-buying! and careers! and families! Most people get to have some or all of these things.  I always knew deep down that I wouldn't have it all, but I wanted my little piece.  If I can't get the spouse, or the house, or the career, then at least I could make my own little family.  And if I had to use a donor for sperm, at least I would use a known donor so that my child could look in the mirror and know where he or she came from.  It never really occurred to me that my child would get to see the face of his biological sperm donor but would not get to see my own genes in that mirror.   

I know that I can still use an egg donor or adopt.  Yes, I know it. 

I just feel so cheated.  Everyone else gets to have all these things, and I have accepted the fact that I won't have many of those things.  I have accepted that I'm not going to have a traditional nuclear family. I have accepted that money is going to be tight.  I have accepted that I am single (and am really ok with it!).  But I have not accepted that I cannot pass along my own mom and dad to another generation. Is this selfish and egotistical? Yes....but that's how I feel.

I have made a lot of choices in my life which have led me to where I am today. Some choices have been strong, and some very weak.  Over the past year and a half I have chosen to make my own family on my own terms.  Finding a donor was a huge and life altering process, but I did it.  I've catalogued on this blog the process of finding a donor, going through all the tests and procedures, and trying traditional chinese medicine, all with money that I don't have to spare.  It was my choice and though I bitched about it, I continued to try because I thought deep down that the end result would be my own little baby with my own squinty eyes and maybe the personality and expression of my mom, dad and brothers. 

Ultimately, though, it seems I simply waited too long to start the process.  And honestly, it just sucks. 

I think one of the worst parts is the jealousy that stings in the pit of my stomach every day - I am jealous of every pregnant stranger on the street.  I am jealous of my friends and family that found love, marriage, houses, careers and/or babies. I am jealous of celebrities that I read about having babies.  It seems that I am jealous of every living human being on the planet these days.  I am aware that the jealousy thing is my achilles heel and something I need to work on.  But it is hard, because everywhere I look I am bombarded with all the things I want and can't have.

So I wait until Friday to hear the official bad news.  And I will have to find a way to move on.

Even Life Inbetween IVFs Isn't So Easy. But It's Still Better Than Stabbing Myself With Hormone Injections Daily.

It's been a nutty month or so. In a quick nutshell - my car finally died (may she rest in peace, sweet '94 MBZ with awesome automated seatbelts affectionately named Vern and George); I took over use of a family member's car; and said "new" car became the sandwich meat inside a 3-car pileup (with me and my dog inside). The dog and I are OK but the car has seen better days.  Said new car is now in the shop for what feels like an eternity. 

In other news, I am now working 2 temp jobs - last week was a 90+ hour week.  The 2nd temp job is temporary (really) so I should only have to keep up the schedule for at most another week.  I am officially leading a double life - call me Donna Draper or Clarkina Kent.  Well, except I'm not saving the world - just working on saving myself right now! 

In bambino news, I am still not pregnant after a THIRD trip to San Francisco 2 weeks ago for some implantation a naturale (s-e-x).  The s-e-x is complicating things for sure but now that I have a bit of distance I am putting that all aside for now because I'm honestly just too busy and tired to think about it.  More on that later for sure. 

But, I think it is finally hitting me that I just may be infertile.  It's only taken a YEAR of nonstop BFNs and 2 birthdays involving the number 4 for me to figure this out.  I guess when you really want something you don't let reality get in the way. Or something.  I don't know how I will cope if I can't have a baby of my own. I just don't know.

So tomorrow I go back to my RE to begin the showdown for IVF #2.  The final frontier.