The Process

Today was my first real appointment to discuss my medical options. So exciting and scary and exhausting.

The first step is to find out, given my age, if I'm still even able to have children and what the status of my fertility is. There are a gazillion tests, as follows:

1. A progesterone test -- which is a blood test to be taken 7-days after ovulation. I have to go buy myself an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. The goal is to have between 3-10 nanograms of progesterone.

2. An FSH Test and estrodial test, which is a blood test which I took today (Day 3 of my cycle). I'll get results next week.

3. I will need to take a chlamydia and gonorrhea test from my regular obgyn. I will also need other blood tests such as thyroid, prolacitn, blood chemistry, STD test, chidhood antibody tests and a urinalysis.

4. HSG test -- to do next month, during days 4-8 of my cycle. I have to take antibiotics the day before, day of and day after to rpevent infection. This is the test where they insert a dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages.

5. I will need a "formal ultrasound" to be performed by a radiologist.

6. Genetics testing from a genetic counselor. There are 3 places to go -- UCLA, cedars and 1 other private place. This person looks at my family and medical history (and that of the sperm donor) and talks to me specifically about testing for cystic fibrosis and downs syndrome, including taking a CVS screening (done in the 1st trimester) and amnio (2nd trimester).

Other info I got today: The miscarriage rate of women past age of 40 is 1 in 3.

If IUI (turkey baster method) isn't going to work, they can do a Clomid IUI (clomid is a fertility drug), and then there is yet one more option before going to IVF.

I need to look into the California Cryobank, which is where they would process the sperm I end up using.

Now, all this mechanical stuff is all well and good, but if I don't have a "bio-dad" then I can't really move forward. I have a letter drafted to my friend R to ask him to be a donor but I am scared to send it. I have known and been friends with R for 20 years and I have always thought of him as a possible donor. I asked him 2 years ago and he told me that he didn't think he wanted to have kids anymore.....but I'm going to ask him again in a letter and this time offer him the option of either being involved or just being a donor. I'm scared to send the letter because I don't know what I'll do if he says no. You see, I know in my heart that I want a known donor, not an anonymous one. I want my child (should I have one) to know who his or her father is, een if there's no father-child relationship. I don't want the genetics to be a mystery. I don't care how complicated it is -- I want there to be a 2nd person involved in som way.

I'm too tired to keep writing. Not sleepy, just exhausted mentally. So much to think about and I know that my "thinking" time is running out and soon it is do or die.