The Letter

Dear R,

I hope you are doing well and had a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

I wanted to write to you about something really important to me. I’m not really sure how to approach the topic, so I’ll just dive right in.

As you know, I have always wanted to have children, and I have decided that I want to pursue single motherhood. Circumstances are not ideal because I haven’t found the right guy but as you know that right guy has always eluded me for one reason or another and at age 39, I just can’t wait anymore. I know in my heart that I would be a good mother and I am willing to do whatever it takes to experience pregnancy and motherhood.

This is where my letter to you comes in. I was wondering if you would be willing to consider being a sperm donor for me. I know that this is a HUGE ENORMOUS BIGGER THAN WORDS favor to ask. The most important thing for you to know is that if you agree to be a donor, you will never have any sort of financial, social or moral obligation to me or the child. I will never ask you for child support or demand anything from you.

There are several avenues that can be followed: (a) you are a sperm donor only and the child doesn’t know who his/her biological father is; (b) you are a sperm donor and are involved tangentially as a friend/uncle to the child (with no financial obligations), and the child will know at some point that you are the biological father; (c) you can be a donor and also be an active part of the child’s life as the child’s parent and even have joint custody if it is something you would want now or at any time later on; or (d) a combination of any/all of the above. I am open to absolutely anything you would want to do. I am also open to having Scott be a part of this decision and even be a co-parent if he is interested.

I want you to know that whatever you decide, I will always love you and respect your answer. We have been friends for 20 years (!) and have been through so much in our lives, both together and apart. I am so proud of everything you’ve done with your life, both personally and professionally, and I would be absolutely honored to have you be part of this process. However, if you decide not to do it, I respect your decision and will still love you and be your friend. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and most intensely in the past 6 months (since I turned 39) and I have you in mind for a million reasons. I really don’t want to have an “anonymous” donor because I want to be able to look at my child and know where his/her genetics came from. Also, because I love and respect you and our friendship so much, you are a natural first choice for me.

I know this comes from out of the blue so I do not expect you to make the decision right away (unless it is an automatic “no”), so please take your time to consider this letter. You can call or email me anytime. I will pay for all of your expenses and can walk you through the whole process and answer any questions. If you decide to do this, there will be forms for you to fill out and a sperm sample to give, and they may also require a blood test or two. If you want, I can fly out to NY to discuss everything with you and make a plan.

I have started the process of fertility testing and they tell me that there is generally a 6-month waiting period for sperm of a known donor (to give them enough time to do proper genetic testing/washing/prepping etc.). So, if you donate the sperm, I will still wait 6 months before following through with any plans and you can change your mind at any time.

I know this is a huge thing to ask of anyone and I do not take this request lightly. I truly believe that you would make a fantastic parent or donor and I would be so honored if you would join me in this journey in whatever capacity you want.

Love to you always,
N

The Process

Today was my first real appointment to discuss my medical options. So exciting and scary and exhausting.

The first step is to find out, given my age, if I'm still even able to have children and what the status of my fertility is. There are a gazillion tests, as follows:

1. A progesterone test -- which is a blood test to be taken 7-days after ovulation. I have to go buy myself an over the counter ovulation predictor kit. The goal is to have between 3-10 nanograms of progesterone.

2. An FSH Test and estrodial test, which is a blood test which I took today (Day 3 of my cycle). I'll get results next week.

3. I will need to take a chlamydia and gonorrhea test from my regular obgyn. I will also need other blood tests such as thyroid, prolacitn, blood chemistry, STD test, chidhood antibody tests and a urinalysis.

4. HSG test -- to do next month, during days 4-8 of my cycle. I have to take antibiotics the day before, day of and day after to rpevent infection. This is the test where they insert a dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there are any blockages.

5. I will need a "formal ultrasound" to be performed by a radiologist.

6. Genetics testing from a genetic counselor. There are 3 places to go -- UCLA, cedars and 1 other private place. This person looks at my family and medical history (and that of the sperm donor) and talks to me specifically about testing for cystic fibrosis and downs syndrome, including taking a CVS screening (done in the 1st trimester) and amnio (2nd trimester).

Other info I got today: The miscarriage rate of women past age of 40 is 1 in 3.

If IUI (turkey baster method) isn't going to work, they can do a Clomid IUI (clomid is a fertility drug), and then there is yet one more option before going to IVF.

I need to look into the California Cryobank, which is where they would process the sperm I end up using.

Now, all this mechanical stuff is all well and good, but if I don't have a "bio-dad" then I can't really move forward. I have a letter drafted to my friend R to ask him to be a donor but I am scared to send it. I have known and been friends with R for 20 years and I have always thought of him as a possible donor. I asked him 2 years ago and he told me that he didn't think he wanted to have kids anymore.....but I'm going to ask him again in a letter and this time offer him the option of either being involved or just being a donor. I'm scared to send the letter because I don't know what I'll do if he says no. You see, I know in my heart that I want a known donor, not an anonymous one. I want my child (should I have one) to know who his or her father is, een if there's no father-child relationship. I don't want the genetics to be a mystery. I don't care how complicated it is -- I want there to be a 2nd person involved in som way.

I'm too tired to keep writing. Not sleepy, just exhausted mentally. So much to think about and I know that my "thinking" time is running out and soon it is do or die.

Dreams, Nightmares and Reality

So I've read two books so far on being a single mother by choice (SMC). Getting ready to start the next but the thing that concerns me is that every piece of writing on this subject has an agenda. The books and articles I've read that are written by these SMC's all proclaim how wonderful (though hard) it is and how their kid doesn't even really care about not having a dad. Now, the thing is, I know these people are saying this because they are defending their choice. Which is fine....but I want some REAL answers, from kids of SMCs, who talk openly about not having a father and how it has affected their lives. This is something I haven't yet been able to find.

As I read the books and listen to stories of these single moms, I find myself yearning more and more for motherhood. I have always wanted to be a mom. I love kids. Kids love me. I find myself fantasizing about living in my rented townhouse with my baby, where I would put everything, how great it is that the closest elementary school is right across the street, and how I would take the baby and dog for daily walks in the neighborhood. Of course, immediately after the fantasy comes the panic -- of "well if the 2nd bedroom is the baby's room then I can't have a roommate, and how will I afford to live here?" and "what if the dog needs to be walked at night and the baby is already asleep?" and "how will I manage financially with being a freelancer? Do I have to get a "real" job"? Then it leads me down the path until I think to myself, "why are you even thinking about this? you have no business doing this. you're just a kid yourself".

Of course, the truth is probably somewhere inbetween these fantasies and nightmares. But still, the thing about these SMC books is they all say that most SMCs are older and have set careers (ie decent income). Well, true, I am older (39) but my career and finances are more unstable than ever. Right now I can barely cover my rent. I don't know how I will support a child. But, I don't want to wait. Maybe another 6 months. Ideally my plan is to go in for testing in January '10, then get inseminated in June (the month I turn 40).

This year was very good careerwise (produced a short film and line produced 2 features) but absolutely devastating financially. The films I do don't pay much -- they are really just building blocks to find bigger, better films later on and to develop a good reputation. I know I'm good at what I do. But the film industry is so tough and every project I've been offered since then (3 so far) have been such pathetic budgets that they don't make sense to do. So, I take these temp legal jobs to pay the bills, which is fine except that right now there just aren't any. Not exactly the most stable environment to bring up a child in. Sometimes I work from home, sometimes on location, sometimes at law firms, and sometimes not at all. I actually like the lifestyle for the most part as it gives me flexibility in my own life (except for now, when panic sets in as my bills far surpass my income). But for raising a child, it's far from ideal.

So I just don't know what to do. I would love to be in a position where I can have a good career and a stable income. If that were the case I would be that much closer to pulling the trigger on the baby thing. But I'm not there. Fine if I'm 30 or 35, but I will be 40 and truly I feel the TICK TOCK TICK TOCK of that biological clock every freaking day.

A New Beginning??

Nobody knows about this blog and so obviously nobody reads it but me. Which is good because then it can be more like a personl diary and I can say what I want.

So here's what I want.

I want a baby.

I am 39 years old. I am single. I have never been in a long term relationship. I am facing the reality that it is just not going to happen for me in time to have a baby.

I have always wanted kids. When I was a kid I wanted to be a mom. I used to love to babysit. I don't so much love babies, per se, as kids. I am great with children. I have 3 little brothers who I have essentially helped raise. They are now 16, 13 and 8. I am lucky to have them in my life. And now I want my own.

I am now facing the reality of having a baby on my own. By myself.

I am terrified.

I have been thinking about this for years but it is starting to form itself into a reality. I have been thinking a lot about what it means to raise a child who has no father. This is tearing me up. I am really close with my dad and couldn't imagine not having a dad. This has been the main hindrence in my decision. There is so much to think about and my head is swirling and I feel really good and relieved and really scared all at the same time. There is much to write about. I feel instinctively that this is the beginning of a whole new journey.

More to come.

oh, crap

See, I'm such an LA Cliche that I am too flaky to update my blog. I suck.

I'm going out on yet another blind date with yet another dude who I could care less about. The streets off Hollywood are littered with the bodies of the bad blind dates I've been on this year. It's getting kind of ridiculous actually.

Dog Party

How's this for an LA Cliche? I am housesitting for a friend and her boyfriend who live up in the Hollywood Hills.....a sprawling ranch house with lots of big windows and minimalist decor. I'm thrilled to do it because they have 3 dogs! Add my dog to the mix and it's a venerable 4-dog house party.... There've been a few fights (over food and such) but mostly it's been really fun -- I'm only a few miles from home but I feel like I'm on a luxurious vacation -- reading, watching bad cable tv, playing with the dogs, napping, sitting in their big backyard next to the orange tree....really, what could be better? Oh and I also ate an entire pint of ben n jerry's ice cream for breakfast. Good thing we're close to Runyon Canyon, as we'll be taking a big hike later in the day to work it all off.

Sicko

I just got home from the movies, and I have one thing to say: THANK YOU MICHAEL MOORE.

Although I agree with Michael Moore's politics, I find his films to be too one-sided and propagandistic. However, I had personal reasons for wanting to see SICKO and boy am I glad I did.

Let's start with the background. My mother, a Beverly Hills divorcee, died from cancer 8 years ago, in no small part due to problems with getting health insurance. My mom spent her 20s and 30s being a housewife and mother, and after her divorce from my dad she had lots of problems adjusting to being a modern single woman. Used to being "Mrs. Dr. XXX", she suddenly was just "Sandy" and she had to try to find a way to make it on her own. Not as easy as on a television sitcom or in the movies. She tried her hand at retail, then she became a travel agent, got involved in a scheme in the early 90s to sell ATM machines, then finally went into real estate.

Bad move. Just when she got her license, the housing market collapsed. My mom couldn't sell a house or condo to save her soul. She also didn't have health insurance, as she was paid solely on commission. So, not only did she not have health insurance, she basically had no income. Once child support and alimony ran out, her situation became even more dire. She moved from a large house in Westwood which she and my dad owned, to a small house in Westwood which she owned alone, to a ranch house in Brentwood which she rented (she had to sell the other house because she couldn't afford payments anymore), to a rented townhouse in West LA, to a one-bedroom apartment in Beverly Hills Adjacent, to her brother's condo. A horrible downward spiral for a woman who drove a Mercedes, shopped at Gelsons and Saks, and sent her kids to the best private schools in Los Angeles.

Over time, she noticed a birthmark on her arm start to turn black. Not a good sign but denial and the bank prevented her from getting treatment. Finally, after much too long, she borrowed money from her brother to get the birthmark removed. It was melanoma and it had spread to her lymph nodes. What I didn't know at the time, but later discovered, was that they recommended a course of chemotherapy as follow up. As far as I know, she did not do any follow up for the next five years, and she was also completely unable to get health insurance from then on because of her now preexisting condition.

My mother went about her life as usual over the next several years, trying unsuccessfully to build a career as a real estate agent and get her life back together. Unfortunately it was not to be. In February 1999 she suffered a seizure out of the blue. The doctors told her that the melanoma had been spreading for all these years.....it had traveled to her brain and lungs...stage IV.....and that they could not treat her because she didn't have health insurance.

My mom, the former wife of a prominent Los Angeles veterinarian, had to get treatment from LA/USC County Hospital, a place I liken to a third world prison. In the ER, patients from the local jails and prisons were shackled to their gurneys. Waits were interminable. Getting an appointment involved a complicated maze of telephone calls and beaurocracy, and even once we had an appointment we would wait all day in a government issued waiting room and only got to see a doctor if we were lucky enough to be one of the first to arrive on our given day.

Ultimately I was able to get my mother some sort of "emergency" health care, paid for by cigarette taxes (the ultimate irony considering the several packs my mother smoked her entire life) with a lifetime cap of something like $70,000. It didn't matter, though, because I knew that she would die before the cap was met. From then on, we had reasonable health care and were treated by doctors at private hospitals such as USC Norris. Unfortunately, it was several years too late. My mom died in November 1999 at her brother's condo, with me at her side, as a result of melanoma originating from a small birthmark on her forearm.

Because of this very personal life experience (and another which I'll write about some other time), the issue of health care has alway been a particularly sensitive one for me. I will NEVER go one day without health care. I currently pay over $400 month for very poor insurance coverage. My deductible is $2000 per year. I only go to the doctor once a year for the OBGYN, once a year for the dermatologist, and once a year for my GP. Other than that, I only go in cases of severe emergency.

To say that I am thankful for Michael Moore's work on this subject is an understatement. He is bringing attention to this issue which is long overdue. Whether anything will change as result of this film is uncertain, and probably unlikely. People have always been aware that health care companies are like phone companies, cable companies and IT centers.....beaurocracies which seem to exist to give customers the runaround.....but to see a documentary like Sicko which is filled with anectodes, comparisons to other countries (which I am aware are not really accurate, but they get the point across nonetheless) and evidence of government and private corruption.....well, it gives one hope that maybe someday enough people will care about this issue to make a difference. Look at the difference "An Inconvenient Truth" is making. A huge impact on an issue we have all known about for years but ignored because it was too annoying to have to recycle, or electronic cars were too ugly, or it was inconvenient to try to live "green". Al Gore has made it "fashionable" to care about the earth. Maybe SICKO can do the same for healthcare. If only it had been made 15 years ago.