The Letter

Dear R,

I hope you are doing well and had a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

I wanted to write to you about something really important to me. I’m not really sure how to approach the topic, so I’ll just dive right in.

As you know, I have always wanted to have children, and I have decided that I want to pursue single motherhood. Circumstances are not ideal because I haven’t found the right guy but as you know that right guy has always eluded me for one reason or another and at age 39, I just can’t wait anymore. I know in my heart that I would be a good mother and I am willing to do whatever it takes to experience pregnancy and motherhood.

This is where my letter to you comes in. I was wondering if you would be willing to consider being a sperm donor for me. I know that this is a HUGE ENORMOUS BIGGER THAN WORDS favor to ask. The most important thing for you to know is that if you agree to be a donor, you will never have any sort of financial, social or moral obligation to me or the child. I will never ask you for child support or demand anything from you.

There are several avenues that can be followed: (a) you are a sperm donor only and the child doesn’t know who his/her biological father is; (b) you are a sperm donor and are involved tangentially as a friend/uncle to the child (with no financial obligations), and the child will know at some point that you are the biological father; (c) you can be a donor and also be an active part of the child’s life as the child’s parent and even have joint custody if it is something you would want now or at any time later on; or (d) a combination of any/all of the above. I am open to absolutely anything you would want to do. I am also open to having Scott be a part of this decision and even be a co-parent if he is interested.

I want you to know that whatever you decide, I will always love you and respect your answer. We have been friends for 20 years (!) and have been through so much in our lives, both together and apart. I am so proud of everything you’ve done with your life, both personally and professionally, and I would be absolutely honored to have you be part of this process. However, if you decide not to do it, I respect your decision and will still love you and be your friend. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and most intensely in the past 6 months (since I turned 39) and I have you in mind for a million reasons. I really don’t want to have an “anonymous” donor because I want to be able to look at my child and know where his/her genetics came from. Also, because I love and respect you and our friendship so much, you are a natural first choice for me.

I know this comes from out of the blue so I do not expect you to make the decision right away (unless it is an automatic “no”), so please take your time to consider this letter. You can call or email me anytime. I will pay for all of your expenses and can walk you through the whole process and answer any questions. If you decide to do this, there will be forms for you to fill out and a sperm sample to give, and they may also require a blood test or two. If you want, I can fly out to NY to discuss everything with you and make a plan.

I have started the process of fertility testing and they tell me that there is generally a 6-month waiting period for sperm of a known donor (to give them enough time to do proper genetic testing/washing/prepping etc.). So, if you donate the sperm, I will still wait 6 months before following through with any plans and you can change your mind at any time.

I know this is a huge thing to ask of anyone and I do not take this request lightly. I truly believe that you would make a fantastic parent or donor and I would be so honored if you would join me in this journey in whatever capacity you want.

Love to you always,
N