If I wait Could I Ever Forgive Myself?

3 of my closest friends have had their babies in the last several months. My best friend of almost 30 years had hers 4 days ago. She had a really difficult pregnancy, and she HATED being pregnant as a result, so I was so happy and relieved on Tuesday when I heard that she and the baby were healthy and happy. I've been to visit her in the hospital every day since, and I'm surprised to say that the ever present green monster only roared it's head one of the days. Most of the days I was happy to sit with my friend, her husband and their beautiful baby girl. I was happy to hold the baby, watch the baby and talk about the baby. But on the third evening my jealousies came out to get me once again and I got SOOO SAD. Sad that I may not ever experience any of this. Sad that even if I did, I would be all alone. Sad that I will not have a spouse to stay with me in the hospital or at home round the clock to help me and the baby. Sad that there won't be another person to love my child as much as I do. Sad that I won't have someone to turn to when the baby does something super cute, and just smile that knowing smile of "look what we made!"

I have not heard from R about the letter I sent. It's been less than 2 weeks so I'm not surprised, but now the nightmares are starting. Every night I dream of a different way he can tell me "no". So I just wait.

Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this for the right reasons, but other times I doubt myself, my motives and my logic. Sometimes I think it's jealousy of my friends and acquaintances that propels the decision. Sometimes I think I just want it because everyone else has it and I don't want to feel somehow left out. Let's face it, it's easy to feel left out when your friends all have kids. Today I was invited to a birthday party but my friend who invited me said "but you probably won't want to come; I mean, it's just gonna be a bunch of families with kids". She meant well but man that stung. Then I start to doubt everything -- I'm in no financial position to support a child, it's not fair to bring a child into the world without a father, etc., etc., etc. The doubts are endless.

But then there are times where I feel in my gut I have to do it. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. I have always loved kids and they pretty much love me, too. I am in many ways a kid myself -- I still have visceral memories of what kids like, want and need. I have a natural instinct for nurturing and teaching. I feel that it is somehow a calling of mine. And at 39, I better fucking do it now or I could regret it forever.

I heard a song this morning on NPR, and the first lines went like this:

It's not right

But it's now or never

If I wait

Could I ever forgive myself?

And the answer is No.