Well, it only took 8 months but I am finally just about finished with all the testing. Had the HSG and ultrasound last week - looks good and only cost over $1,000 (yikes!). Next week is the progesterone test. Of course, because my original blood tests were 8 months ago, I have to re-do them to make sure the numbers still look good.

I'm in the process of drafting an agreement for Airplane Baby Daddy and I to sign. I also hired a private investigator to do a little digging (to make sure he's not some crazy criminal). I also broke up with Alpha and Beta (by email, which I admit was a total chickenshit move, but I just couldn't bare to do it in person).

Overall, things are moving forward.

The biggest stressers are (a) finances and (b) my dad.

I am currently working very inconsistently. The job market is bad and although I am looking for something longer term and more stable, the reality is that I will probably still be a freelancer when (if) I get pregnant. Of course, once pregnant my chances of getting a full time salaried job are nil. And of course, I may have mentioned that my insurance covers NONE of these fertility tests or treatment. Zilch. I'm on my own there. So, my credit card debt is rising and my income is zero at the moment, and this is obviously hugely stressful for me. I have already spent close to two thousand bucks on tests and dr appointments, and I haven't even started TRYING to conceive yet. I am trying to stay calm, and tell myself that these things are necessary and I CANNOT wait another year to get myself financially stable. People keep telling me that there is never an ideal time to have a baby, even under the best of circumstances, and that I just have to go for it and it will work itself out. I know that I have the earning potential, I just haven't realized that potential yet. Hopefully it's not too late for me (earning potential wise and baby-making wise).

A few months ago I told my Dad my plans and it did not go well. I won't get into the specifics because he is sensitive about me posting any private information on the web. I will say that it is an ongoing stresser for me and I wish things were better in that area.

I have kind of worked myself into a tizzy over all the fears and stresses....but then I also have moments of excitement that make me realize it is the right decision for me. I can't wait to take my child to the farmers market and let him or her taste a plum for the first time. It's the little moments that give me the most encouragement. I know that I can enrich a child's life and raise a good human being. I just hope to be given the chance.

Project Bambino

I met with Airplane Baby Daddy this past weekend and I have to say, it seems that we are on the same page. Yay for the same page!

Dinner on Friday was lovely, and we literally closed the place down. Granted, we made small talk for a good two hours before we got around to discussing the elephant in the room, but once we did, it went well. He told me that he would want to be like a grandfather or favorite uncle and that I could be the "primary" parent. I formalized this in an email yesterday, ie that I would have full legal and physical custody, and he agreed, saying essentially that he would be a Known Sperm Donor. Next step is to consult with my RE (reproductive endocrinologist), lawyer and private investigator.

There was only one, er, red flag. That is, we are both sort of in the same field of film production, and he kept trying to pitch me his script ideas. Like, at least 5 or 6 different ones. He was definitely more interested in talking shop than talking baby. This made me really nervous at first, and still does a bit. However, I am starting to see it as more of a blessing, actually, because it appears that he really is going to be quite hands off when it comes to bambino, unlike my alpha beta gay male couple who wanted to be consulted on every decision. I just hope that he isn't using the baby thing as a way to get me interested in his film career and offer to produce his movies or something. I can't help it, I'm old enough and wise enough to be cynical.

I am coming to terms with the thought of being a single mom. I am actually excited about it now. I know there will be huge financial, physical and mental challenges, but I am more excited than scared. If this works out, I will feel so grateful to ABD for giving me the gift of a child. I will be eternally happy that bambino can say "my dad lives in XXX" or "I have my dad's nose/eyes/ears/belly button". (S)he will have a father to celebrate father's day and birthdays with. But I will still be a single mom. Me, Bambino and puppy dog. And that makes me happy.