Transition from Thinking to Doing

So R said "no" to being a donor, which was a big blow. I hadn't heard from him in the 4 months since I sent the letter, even after several phone calls and emails to him, so I finally sent him one last email PROMISING him that whatever his decision was would not affect our friendship. At that point I already knew the answer, but I needed to hear it from him in order to move on. So, he wrote back and said that he would not feel comfortable. It was a short email and didn't go into much detail, which is fine I guess because the decision was made and knew there was no negotiating or changing his mind. I promised him that our friendship was fine, and we proceeded to have a lovely brunch in NY with him and his boyfriend, where the subject didn't even come up. Wow, what a huge elephant in the room at that restaurant.

I I licked my wounds from that for a few weeks, then came up with another brilliant (or so I though) idea. Actually, I had been thinking about this plan for a while but was too chicken to do anything about it. You see, about 5 years ago I dated this boy (I call him a boy because he is 9 years younger than me) who is gorgeous, smart, well educated, from a good family etc. Good genes, right?! We have stayed friends (acquaintances, really) over the years and periodically one of us calls the other wondering why in the heck we ever broke up in the first place (I always remember after just a few minutes with him). Well I finally got up the nerve to call him. Turns out, though, that he now has a girlfriend and he told me it is getting serious and it would be disrespectful to her if he spoke to me or saw me. It was sweet, actually, to hear how traditional he is (I mean, aside from the sharp pang it caused in my gut to hear that from a former lover). I actually was pissed at myself for totally misreading how traditional he is. Of course, my fantasy at that point came crashing down. Here in the back of my head I had been thinking, HOPING, that I could find a known donor who would want to participate in some way in being a dad or a dad-figure. In order for me to move on, I need to accept that my fantasy is just that, a fantasy, and is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. The truth is, I truly am going to be alone in this journey and I am going to need to accept that if I'm going to make this happen.

And I want to make this happen.

Next step: I joined Single Mothers by Choice, an organization with thousands of members just like me. I read all the literature and daily emails. I am now looking into sperm banks and am hoping to make some serious choices in the next few weeks.

Speaking of sperm banks, the number of sperm banks and donors is kind of overwhelming, so I am trying to figure out which ones to start with. Since It is really important for me to find an "Open ID" donor, ie someone who is willing to be contacted when the child turns 18. From everything I've read, it seems that children of anonymous sperm donors seem to feel an emptiness that comes from looking in the mirror and not knowing what he is looking at. So I really want to give this person pictures and video of the donor, as well as the opportunity to find him when he/she turns 18. If it were me, I would want that option, so it's the least I can do. Not all banks have this option, though, and of those that do, only a small percentage of the donors are willing to be Open ID. So, I'm looking into which sperm banks have the most Open ID options.

More decisions to come. One of these days I may even get around to telling my own Dad my plans. Well, that struggle for another post.